A dick and a user

Ryan is a dick and a user. I always end up with the same person - the taker. And he's taking more and more and more... and I'm tired and I STILL keep trying. I'm so stupid.

I'm frustrated that I've had to cook every meal for the last 6 weeks... that I buy most of them too. And have done the dishes all but maybe twice. He expects it, comes in and acts like a jerk, and is rude. He calls me a poor conversationalist when when I TRY to talk to him, he insults me and puts me down and calls me dumb. He purposely intends me to wilt, not blossom. He is selfish, self-centered, rude, and gross. He had all week off and he couldn't make time for me to do anything I wanted to do (shopping at Costco, go to the movies). He DID come help me move 6 bales of hay (taking 10 minutes total of his time). I took his trash to the dump for the second time in a row. He is a taker. He takes in the bedroom and takes in the house and kitchen. I want a partner. I need someone to split bills with. I'm in debt. I need HELP. I need someone to BELIEVE in me and say NICE THINGS to me. I have a boyfriend who's sole purpose is to break me down to make himself feel better and stronger. He has torn me apart and I'm tired and I am done. Just waiting for it to melt away. I was holding out for 12/23 or some breakthrough or Christmas or all of the above, but I just need to let him go. I wanted him to help put my sink in. He said he was going to help with so much with my house but he doesn't. He sleeps and watches TV and masturbates and sometimes goes to work and sometimes helps his dad - also a token. But I don't even get a token anymore. And he wants blowjobs but doesn't give me much, if any, attention. 

I knew it was ending. And it has to. It's so toxic and unhealthy. I knew he was looking for a fight. He just complains about everything.  His stomach hurts now. He's not well. He takes tylenol every day to live and pepcid AC. He's balding, fat, and can't get it up. He's not well. His fire is out of balance. He's not honest. He blames everyone else. And he has to learn to sit with it. He can't see. And I thought that I could help him, but I can't. Only he can and I need to help myself. 

I want a good, loving, equitable relationship. And that won't happen with Ryan unless... no. It won't happen with him. He's not the guy. 

I need to love myself enough and focus on myself and maybe I will have someone to share a life with, but maybe not, but I need to get okay with it just being me.

It's Hazel's 2nd birthday. 12/21/23 I called her... 

I'm so distracted from connecting deeply with my true friends and family who care about me... I've fallen into this sickness... I saw 9:11 again this morning...woke to it...and tonight... it's all over. It's time to break free. Choose to break the chains. 

Listening to this now...thank you God for the reminder:

https://drsuemorter.com/Solstice-23-replay/

It's time to let go. 

For realz.

I can distract myself with maybe dating... but I need to be by myself... learn to love and care for myself. If I want to go to the movies, go. 
I don't want to have a rude, entitled, terrorist in my home and life.

There have been so many lessons, and I have so much growing and healing to do...but Ryan isn't a PARTNER or even a true FRIEND to do it with. He doesn't accept me for who I am. He doesn't encourage me to express myself. He uses me and abuses me and it's time to break free.

I'm nervous about being alone and doing all this alone...but I'm not alone. God is with me and I have friends and family. I need to break up with him. I think I'll just ghost him. There's nothing else to say. I'm tired of the rollercoaster. He knows how to hook my hope and it brings me back for more...but he IS feeding on my energy... he hates the concept of loosh so much because his demons are ALL IN with that shit.

I am a spiritual and connected being. Do not shut myself off or down for the sake of earning a man's attention. 

He's not the guy for me. I want to get steaks. I want to feed myself. Probably carnivore diet is the best for me. Maybe. Maybe carnivore with some veggies. Definitely work out. But I don't need the burden of taking care of Ryan and feeding him and waiting on him and cleaning up after him and paying him and giving him pleasure. FTHAT. I want to take care of ME. 

It's a NEW SEASON. The season of CARISSA LOVE. Ryan's out. I'm in.

Please sweet girl. Save YOURSELF.

______

12/22/1:22am I am a bonafide stalker. I had a transcendant time doing that Winter Solstice meditation and then I walked over to Ryan's who had closed his curtains so I went around back to peek at him and could have gotten myself shot (if he had a gun) or arrested (if he had a mind to do so). I ended up getting to give him a lonnnnnng bj but it was kinda bad. I need to reflect and see myself. Tomorrow. Tonight I need a shower and probably a release.

Ryan is not well

Ryan is NOT well. Narcissist doesn't touch it. 

Tonight he lost his cool and went off the ledge insulting me in every way and angle he could as we were talking about "reality". I have no idea what his angle was (other than to try to "prove me wrong") when I wasn't trying to oppose him. Only trying to add that everyone has different perceptions and I find it interesting to see how the programming they take in skews their perception of reality. 

He is always just trying to call everyone crazy and stupid, except for himself (and his mom) who are apparently the only smart ones in the world. 

He expends so much energy creating webs of confusion to try to trap me and insult me and my choices and perceptions. He insults everything I do and the people I love. Jannelle, Michael, everyone... 

God, you see. I pray that you see and show him if it's Thy will, and in DRT.

I'm tired. 

____

ps. Good/interesting talk with Sasha today about mind and heart... 1hr 6 min.

pss. I like me. And I have great co-workers. Especially Jennifer. And I do think Ryan has the potential to have great, open-minded conversations. His ego is just out of control. And mine too. The way I was trying to be understood ... to convince him of something... no need. But isn't that the fun and point of friendship and conversation?? I AM a consciousness explorer and I'm glad to be continuing to learn. I'm more into human behavior, emotion, feeling, and how it plays out in "reality". Ryan is more interested in facts and labels and trivia, which is neat and I respect it a lot. 

psss. I found out Mr. Casey is in hospice today. :( I went over there and sat with him, Josh, and Barbie for a little less than an hour. 

I'm glad to be back on the forum. 
And I think that God will take this Ryan relationship...  that meme that I saw yesterday with Jesus bending down to a child asking her to give him her teddy bear and to trust him and he had a bigger teddy bear behind his back to give to her spoke to me. 



I do fear that I'm getting lots of my inspiration from memes and instagram videos which is a form of programming too. I'm back reading Ascension Glossary and forum posts and others stuff... popping back through to that. And Ryan would not approve. Is it true, God, that I believe everything I read? I don't think so... but maybe I give it more power than I should? I don't know. I don't think I "believe" much... or don't HOLD to it as a "belief"... maybe a temporary holding place for a belief but not something solid. I'm learning.

But obviously Ryan is a mirror. I saw another meme about that and feel it's so true. 

Grateful for the experience. Grateful for my jobs. Grateful for my family and friends and interests and dogs and horse and chickens and home and bed and shower and washer and all the love that surrounds me. Grateful for what's now and what's next. I was going to try to find an acupuncturist for Ryan but he's got to take responsibility for himself. And he is going to have to take responsibility for his diet and cooking too. I can't do it for him and I need to do it for me. And I'm trying to earn his love by helping him and I want someone who wants to be with me...

Ryan might have compatible architecture, but the timing doesn't seem right. But maybe it's right and these are my lessons. God will show me what to do and when. Right now I need to do my best to watch with eyes and heart open... to learn and be a compassionate witness. I need to start praying for him and doing more meditations and clearings for me. 

Tomorrow is the winter solstice, thanks be to God! The longest day in the dark. And I'm going to sleep in. And see Jannelle and do a winter solstice mediation, God-willing. We'll see. It's Hazel's birthday too. My sister-niece. 

Note, I saw 9:11 tonight...twice... once on the fast clock and once on the slow... definitely felt like a message. 

... Well well well, Ryan just called at 11pm and apologized for getting heated and losing his cool. I accepted his apology and we said we loved each other and good nights. He wanted to get it off his chest tonight... that was growth and huge and I'm grateful to get to play this role and learn and hold space, even if he would make fun of me for saying it. (He heckles me about using "buzz words" which are really just words that I have grown to enjoy as labels for my ever-changing understanding and experience... i.e. consciousness explorer. It's fine. He doesn't need to be on that page with me.)

More emailed notes

Had a nice night with Ryan... some chores, bouncing around, baked the mail cookies for work, he was patient (mostly), but why does he have to insult everything I do or care about... including the mail cookies- he just said awful things about them the whole time. And we gorged at Buffalo Wild Wings - my fault. And had a sort-of weird sexual encounter...some fun sex and he was so sweet to care about Sioux, it's 19/11:19 and he was worried about her being cold so we brushed her and put her blanket on her. And he's good to the dogs. He pushed Moses kind of hard when he was stepping on his stomach. But he apologized. I wish things weren't so difficult for us. But I think we're making progress on our own paths so that's good. 

I shouldn't have eaten that mail cookie tonight. (I had to try it and then I felt emotional and ate the rest of it.) But it wasn't as bad, or it was just as bad as all that sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings. 

Anyway, here are some emails that I sent myself today when I was pondering things while in the pesticide school event.

Oh, and Paul wrote back "thank you." So that's good. 

Oh and Ryan sent me a PubMed article and had been reading about something about nutrition and the body... so HE was responding to my heart's cry that I be with someone teachable. He had to throw it in my face that he's always willing to learn and that I'm not...which was weird but I just observed it ... I'm getting so much education on Narcissism through him too. More layers to peel back on my own wounds and behaviors. We are very similar and I believe we can heal in and through love. God's will be done. 

______

I must feel the trauma bond with Matt Stevens too. I’m a stalker - looked at his FB page. He’s very sticky. That connection/energy. He probably has that effect on others too. I am daydreaming about reaching out, which is bad. And I’m not going to do it.

I’m in a room of mostly men - these rugged landscaper men - taking the pesticide course and exam. I love Ryan but don’t see a future with him unless something major changes. He’s egotistical, selfish, and a taker. Even the gift he gave me yesterday was written out to him as well and he said if we broke up, he was going to keep it. (Waffle maker.) 

He expects me to cook for him (and cleanup- though yesterday I left the mess and expect it will still be there tonight). I come to his house, I give him love and sexual favors. What does he do for me - he lets me snuggle with him and watch football with him. He is usually mean and picks on me and puts me down and life surrounds his inclinations and schedule.

No empathy or understanding that I have 2 jobs, the house and animals to care for, and need sleep and help.

It’s just not healthy.
But it has purpose and I’m learning! God, please keep guiding and showing me my heart.

I left a message for Paul again today and that’s going to be it. I tried. 

I have to stop letting people use and cord me with their aloofness.

I feel bad, like I’m betraying Ryan who doesn’t want me to talk to Paul. So I need to stop. For Ryan and for me.

__________

I am super attracted to Ryan - he’s the height and build I love. He is smart, and we have the ability to have great conversations. We like to travel and explore together. I like being close to him.

If only he wasn’t such a jerk sometimes!

I wish he were open to learning and change and growth and healing. Maybe one day.

Emailed notes to self today

Do I disconnect from other spiritual inputs in order to discover my own? Am I being programmed by others ideas which *resonate*? What part of me does it resonate with? The victim? The hero? The princess? The villain?

Ryan’s abusive behavior comes from his own dysfunction and unregulated nervous system and trauma. He will need to address that himself if he ever chooses to. But in the meantime, is being in this energy good for me? I DO feel like he helps me identify areas that I need to improve in myself. How can I be more feminine, focused, present, and clear?

He likes it when I say stuff like “f-you”… he prefers to be spoken to with abuse. And his best example of a good relationship is his Dad and Dee and he doesn’t respect them. He doesn’t respect anyone, or look for learning opportunities or conversations with anyone. Maybe Mr. Gray is speaking some truth into his world. Maybe I am modeling it some, but he writes everything I say and do and think off as crazy.

Obviously I’m still wanting to stay in it. Addicted to the drama and excitement? Trauma bonds? The thrill of the chase? He’s not much of a catch. I just like and long for him. I think his soul is a catch, maybe. Or part of my “mission”? I consciously thought I was experiencing “mission failure” when we broke up briefly the other day.

I am a witness of his bad behavior. I wonder if that helps on some layer of reality.

What is reality?

________

Looking at Ryan’s “ patterns “ on the pattern app, I think we are going to break up . He has the call and potential to go through a massive awakening in the next year and a half or so. I won’t be helpful to him during that period.

I’m going through a lot too - learning to be attractive, softening, release and advance, etc. We’ll see what God has in store

__________

Note to Jennifer:

12:13 PM (1 hour ago)

Thank you for writing to me!!! I loved every drop!

The Low and Slow buffet is $25 per person - just a head's up. But if you eat enough, it's a better value. We got there as they were breaking it down so we got to take extra home too.

Panera sounds perfect!!! I'm craving some carbs and sugar (probably because I'm so hungry) and I love their crusty breads. What did you choose to eat? I'd like to get a half and half meal with a sandwich and a soup (although I really like the soup in a bread bowl...though there's never enough soup). 

I'm with David on buffets, by the way. Golden Corral is especially fun because it's a feast for your eyes too!

My parents are coming from Florida and brothers and their family are coming from Texas and we will all meet at my sisters' homes in Raleigh. I'll be there Christmas morning (and all days 24-27). At some point over the 2 days that my brothers will be here, they will come see my "new" house. One of my brothers is going to stay at my house too!

I think I've finished all my shopping... except to buy the honey from you. I wish I could use a card. I might ask Bryant.

Our family does something called "Secret Chef" which is like "Secret Santa" but we cook something for one another. My person is my 3 year old nephew. I wanted to make him animal crackers but couldn't find tiny cookie cutters in that size. I found some larger ones that are farm themed so I'm going to make that kind of dough and make him farm/animal cookies and put them in a tractor (I hope... if it works... I got it on Amazon). So I need to get the stuff for that and make it. I'm also going to make a family recipe called "mail cookies" for our work celebration on Wednesday. 

For Ryan I got him an egg cooker to make hard-boiled eggs. He thinks he can't cook anything and can't do the carnivore diet without me, but we'll get him started with that. I also got him a pyrex bowl set which he won't want, but he'll need something to put the eggs in when they come out of the cooker. I also got him some "couples conversation/question" cards and some Beats headphones. (I alllllso got him some photos and a couple picture frames... one that I put a bunch of our photos in so he can remember our love, but I couldn't wait and gave that to him this weekend.) What did you get David?

I DIDN'T get anything for my furry babies, but now I want to. They need something because they keep tearing up my stuff. Hmmm. Yeah. Good point. Do you get stuff for all your kids?? Anything fun for your son?

OH! And I love your thoughts about the alien overlords and ants thing. I especially love the circus sideshow/zoo! Lol! Yeah. If space and the Universe is what we're told it is, then it seems impossible that we would be the only "life". I have had so many thoughts and beliefs around "reality", but I'm currently in a phase of trying to dismantle the house of cards that is my BS (belief system) which is based on what others have told me. I want to discover "truth" based on my own findings. But how can we do that? I'm torn. Right now I use *resonance* and *discernment* to determine what I believe, but what part of me is doing the discernment? The victim part of me? The princess part of me? The villian part of me? The hero part of me? I might need to go sit in a cave on the top of a mountain to work it out. 

It's FUN to have beliefs though... and I'm weird so I like to share in ideas that are "out there", but not sure if I'm perpetuating things that create harm on any level (even of my consciousness).

Oh this is so fun to think and talk about...but it's LUNCHTIME, so I'll send this! 

_______

I need to learn to just BE with Ryan and not try to change or fix him or anything else. 

I look at everything through a lens of “what’s the better way to do it” which keeps me stuck feeling like nothing is good enough. Never satisfied.

I lie to myself and think so highly of myself. I need to not think lowly of myself either.

__________

Random:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/White_Crystal_Key

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Geomancy

Geomancy is the study of the Cosmic, Solar, Stellar and Planetary energy bodies, and how these collective energetic forces are configured within our bodies consciousness and within the planet, as well as the practice of interacting and communicating with this living intelligent energy matrix.

THAT is what I like to study/learn. My "BS" ...or how I try to develop them...the lens.... (bs= belief systems)

I am here where I am with Ryan because of my negative ego... i have so much negative ego work to still do. This is the gift...to learn and feel the hard stuff with Ryan, his parents, Steve, work people, etc.

NEGATIVE EGO CLEARING

"As a part of serving the Cosmic Christos family, we learn that this esoteric energy field and spiritual current is the way to ground the Seven Higher Heavens into the Earthly plane, enabling the planetary consciousness and human race to ascend."

See the forces trying to distract and turn off my consciousness to remove consciousness from the earth... the jab and distraction are all here to take me offline. Follow God.

This stuff with Ryan is a mirror to show me where I still have (SO MUCH) to heal and clear. So much ego, gaslighting, lying, fear, etc. I don't feel like I'm being deeply harmed by his abuse, like I'm strong enough but I don't want to be decieved either. I think I am learning and have some space (tri-wave energy, I think. Neutrality) that lets me be an observer. It hurts when things dont go as I'd like (unity) and there is a draw and an addiction type of cording... but there are lessons in all of it. 

"Through the acknowledgment of our interconnection with all life and the Universe, we recognize the necessary liberation of our essential spiritual nature as the goal for all human beings.When we reach this level of self-realization, the Planetary Logos will communicate with our consciousness and help to direct us to specific locations of geography and geomantic structures. We can unlock our Consciousness from being trapped or oppressed by directly interacting and meditating with these sacred and holy sites on the earth and by directly working with energy configurations in our body and with the many different vortex points on the planetary body that hold geomantic form"

Just talking about this with Rosemary last week:

"Holographic Geography can be thought of as somewhat similar to a sound recording of the intelligent energy of the earth. These sound field recordings, made throughout the timelines of history, are created from vibrating matter, like musical instruments or vocal cords. They are encoded in such a way that they can be reproduced later, without the presence of the original vibrating matter. When we have developed Higher Sensory Perception and have devoted ourselves to serve the planet, our consciousness can discern or decipher the many different kinds of imprints made in the holographic geography throughout time. "

______

 Feeling a strong pull to use a substance- sugar and carbs - today to help with tiredness, lack of clarity, and soothing.

Baack Together

I couldn't hold it for more than a half day. I longed for him and hatched a plan to piggy back off my "make photos of us" plan and while I was picking them up, I got some frames for him too and put a beautiful collage together and went over to remind him of how happy we were. He was hurt and upset that I broke up with him and we decided to "get back together". Trauma bond anyone? We had an amazing date at Low and Slow - felt like the Universe smiled on us with the wonderful food, service, and company. He only lashed out at me once for talking to the server too long when he was trying to sit down. We spent the night at his house. (Of course I have to take care of all my animals and life and then go and take care of his home and making us cozy. He just lives his life, I try to fit into and make his life better while also upholding my responsibilities.) How come he doesn't rub me much. How come it's up to me to rub his cock and back and if I ask, he will sometimes give me a shoulder rub or whatever, but I don't ask much. Tonight we were waiting to go to his Dads and I remembered to call Corie for her birthday and in the call made it known I was with Ryan and talked about "Mark Twaining" and he wished her a happy birthday. Afterwards he blew up at me about how I was so rude to invite him in and I tried to explain that I thought I was being kind and he said I was deflecting because I was WRONG to do that and I was making excuses and that I never take responsibility even though I WAS because I said "now that I know that, I won't do it again because I care about how you feel", but he cut me off to say that I should have already known and that he told me that a long time ago... anyway...his point was he wanted to make me BAD and WRONG. He seemed to have shift earlier than that too when we were beginning to eat... he just wanted to blame me and ... yeah. Hyde just came to the forefront. 

So, I don't need to break up with him, but I do need to take space. Remember how he treats me. Learn to walk away. Learn to ask questions. Continue to take responsibility for hurting or upsetting him. (I tried in this case too. "I'm sorry that I embarassed you"... etc.) When he gets like that, there's just no reasoning with him. 

He's not conscious or willing to learn and grow. His soul needs to decide that and it hasn't... it does for a minute but then backs out.

I want someone mature who can admit that they have to work on things too... that we can have safe conversations about how we might hurt one another and our goal is to NOT hurt eachother. Not make excuses about it. He said I'm sensitive about him calling me names like Bitch and stuff... much worse than that too... but you don't talk that way to someone you love. He wouldn't talk that way to Munkey. That's a good measuring stick. Munkey is someone he loves, respects, and cherishes. I am not. 

Okay, the Bills are playing. I want to go watch them. At Jim's with Ryan.

____

And then we were good. The Bills played great and it was good. I got in trouble for saying that he keeps his house at 85. And something else... he's just always on me. But we had a nice dinner (except I think I said something wrong) and then a very good sexual experience. I like sex with him a lot. I think our physical connection is great. I wish he'd be more kind and open to a fair and open and fun emotional ane mental connection... but we're not on the same wavelength usually. 

We'll see what's right... but I know I sure do like him - even the abuse. Which is terrible. But it's interesting to me. Addictive, I'm guessing. 

I have to be at work at 6:30 so I need to go towards bed. MUAH!

Did it

Well, we did it. We broke up.
It helped that YouTube fed me this: https://youtu.be/sRDP2CI9Ivk?si=qD_Gf0wKW7F_5yIL
(Matt Kahn from Hurt to Happiness) and there was a part that talked about how we keep making excuses for people. I have made so many excuses for Ryan. Even now, I asked him what he decided - if he wanted to be friends (he said 2 days ago that he'd tell me yesterday or today). And he said he wanted to keep with our "current arrangement". "Arrangement". That word. I asked him what it meant and he said "boyfriend and girlfriend", but it was not with love. And he doesn't respond to me with love. He never answers my questions or texts on Telegram anymore. He is rude and puts me down every chance he gets. Tonight he was telling me that I'm essentially retarded and have no social or emotional skills and it makes sense that no one liked me in school. He said he wanted to keep with our current arrangement until our next fight and then he'd reconsider again. Stringing me along. Keeping me in fear of upsetting him. He likes our current arrangement because he was getting 2-3 blowjobs a night and I was cooking for him and cleaning and didn't ask for anything in return (I mean... yeah, his friendship and time. Watch Jeopardy and football and you don't need to consider my feelings or needs...take your time...blah blah.) 

Tonight he was saying that there's nothing wrong with him... it took a while to remind him of how he said he was "damaged goods" and he said he was "perfectly happy" living like a hermit. He lies to himself so much. And he blames everyone else. And he says I'M not an empath but he is. I'd say that I am much more empathic, sympathetic, and compassionate. I try to see things from his point of view and try to soothe and help him. But it's pointless. He likes to live in the state of sympathetic dominance he's in. He won't hear from anyone else, especially me or anyone that I recommend that he might consider self-help. He's closed hearted and closed-minded and we won't get anywhere this way. I can't change him ... I can't love him to love me. I just get to love myself. And feel what comes up. And it's okay. I'm grateful for Matt Kahn and the YouTube that I can watch that can encourage and entertain me. I'm going to be okay. I am my own unicorn. And I am my own friend and lover and parent and I am enough.

I'm grateful for this time with Ryan. I learned so much. His lies and belittling and abusive comments roll right off my back because they aren't true. I know I'm good and loving and kind and generous. I know I tried so hard. And I also know that I deserve to be treated well. And he isn't capable of that. He's not capable of honesty with himself, let alone me. He has to turn everything around and pin it on me. I wish I had recorded it... it always boggles my mind. 

Anyway, I'm going to choose happiness and life and joy and ME. Meditation and my crystals and God and self-care and health and now all I need to focus on is me. I'm tired of taking care of Ryan. It was SO UNreciprocated. He was a taker too. But I experienced deep attraction and sexual enjoyment that opened me up to a new level of possibility. And the desire to be pretty and dress up and more feminine and humble (in response to a real man). And my appreciation for a handy man. Yep. It was a great learning experience.

I loved him and my heart and soul are sad and will miss him. Maybe he'll have a breakthrough, but if I'm honest, it's unlikely. He's so hardened and egotistical. I tried to soften it for him too. I should have just let him storm out... but I needed the softer let-down and the hug goodbye. My heart and soul hugged my guy and we felt the love that we share. We share a powerful connection and I'm lucky to have experienced it here in this plane. Maybe next life (if I choose to come back), we can mop things up. Or maybe this WAS us mopping and we can have coffee and walk the dogs together in heaven and laugh and talk. It feels so ouchy now. I am losing my best friend.

But I need to in order to rekindle my REAL best friend, ME.

Walk the dogs more. Do kind things for others. Take care of myself. Go to the movies. EnJOY life.

I love YOU, Carissa. I love YOU. Ryan doesn't see or get or appreciate you. He's not the guy. Just like the addictions were trying to kill you, this addiction to Ryan is trying to kill you too... to take you out. It's not healthy. You are so beautiful and you will find a healthy loving relationship when the time is right - but first, find a healthy, loving relationship with yourself.

Get some sleep dear one. You have to get up early tomorrow for work. Sweet dreams beloved.  

Dear John Letter

This is a good letter.

Dear Ryan,

I’d love for us to be friends.

I care about you very much.

But I don’t want to love you and give my life to you anymore. 

I want to save my love and life to give to someone who wants to reciprocate it.

I think you’re awesome and hope we can remain in one another’s lives. I’m looking forward to continue walking dogs and snuggling cats and going on adventures… maybe to the movies and definitely to the salt water tank and if you ever want to go to the gym, lol. But let’s take a load off and do all this as friends.

I understand I am surrendering you to the POF ladies and all the other app ladies and porn and all that… but I can’t compete. And don’t want to. The guy who wants to be with me won’t want to also be with other people. Like you said, you’re not “in-love” with me. And that just is what it is. I can’t force it or earn it or change it. 

I wish I could help you stay on the carnivore diet (and will any way I can) but it sounds like you’re going to have to figure it out for yourself. (Like you said.) It’s not reasonable for a friend to come over and eat every day. We’re going to have to peel our lives away from one another to make room for healing and new friends.

For the record, I think that carnivore, or keto, or a low-carb/no-sugar diet is the way to go. Processed stew and Mac & Cheese won’t cut it. (But if you’re on a mission to die, then that’s the way.)

Here’s the link to https://e2mfitness.com/ 

If you want to do this, I’ll do it with you. Let me know. 

Long story short - you know it - I’ve said it a lot - I love you. Supernaturally. I have a heart, body, mind, and soul full of love for you. I don’t understand it, but it has provided me with a wealth of forgiveness and patience and willingness to grow. I will look on our time together as one of the richest times/experiences and know that I’m better for it. 

I wish happiness, fulfillment, and peace for you, dear one. I look forward to our next chapter as friends. 

Love,

Carissa

Appropriate time. Today is 12/13 (Unification of masculine and feminine). 

Ryan working on his Dad's truck is bookends of our time together. 

He has said a couple times that he wants to get his taxes in order. That's a big deal. He is moving through the sludge. Ever so slightly, lol, but he's doing it. He's making progress on thinking about his dream of starting his own business. 

And what am I making progress on. Accepting that I live alone. Thinking about taking responsibility for my own home projects. Breaking out of a toxic relationship. Loving myself. 

____

Wrote during Jury Duty

Relationship with Ryan had taught me to observe my dissociation in times of stress as as well as to push through- to get used to it in a way. I still feel a bit of the dizziness and confusion but I’ve had practice staying with it - even in the face of his SEVERE disregulation. 

We are definitely working with trauma bonds. It’s so interesting. Thank you God for the lessons.

Do I let it naturally unfold or put an end to it?

——

During juror break- I called Ryan and his voice lit up my life!

Of course it’s 4pm and The only thing he’s done today… and he hasn’t yet… is he's going to do an oil change on his car. He’s at the auto parts store now.

Can we work through our trauma bond?

And... I love him. Back to that. Don't want to break up. I want us to make it work.

___

Suuuuuuch a nice night with Ryan.... eating, talking, playing. He checked my oil, fixed my door, took apart our waffle maker, we watched jeopardy, had 2 bjs and sex, and talked frankly about everything, including being friends. We love each other. But he might need the break to see whether he misses me or not. And maybe I want a chance to find my "unicorn" if Ryan isn't it. He uses that phrase and says he isn't it... that I want a prince charming or rom-com guy. Which I do. But could Ryan be my prince? I sure like to do life with him. To have the challenges and talk through them.

I talked to him about trauma bonds. He thinks it's hooey. He thinks everything is hooey though... that he knows better. And he thinks that I have errant perception about childhood neglect. But we had a nice...a really nice night. He took the garbage out at the end of the night too. Just a nice night. And I went to his house to get him earlier... so... yeah. It was perfect. 

We'll see what's next. 

Come back to ME

 I'm too tired to recount much but it seems like 2 relatively okay nights with Ryan. We probably fought yesterday and he probably yelled at me but we recovered and had a great night watching the Titans beat the Dolphins and ate dinner and I gave him THREE bjs!! Which was fun.

Tonight he came over to eat. He doesn't like to help or do the dishes. We sat on the couch afterwards and it was weird. I keep seeing blue light in my right eye/side .... tonight is the new moon in Saggitarius. Ryan went home early. I watched "Four Christmases", a rom-com with Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon.

I want to be happy and find my person...someone that WANTS to be with me and make a life with me. I don't want to be unsettled anymore. I don't want to always feel like I'm to blame for everything anymore. I like to learn and explore how to be better, but I want to do it in love. 

I haven't contacted Paul out of respect for Ryan but I felt really guilty. Corie also said that if I have to close myself off, it's probably not good. But there are lines... but I don't think Ryan really cares about me or wants the best for me. He just doesn't want me to talk to Paul and I don't need to but I felt bad, like I failed him. So tonight I called and I left a message and now I feel like I failed Ryan. Like I betrayed him and was going behind his back. I just want to be free to be me. And I don't see a future with Ryan. He's not the guy. Unless something radically changes in him (and that's not going to happen anytime soon), he's not the guy. He's closed, lazy, selfish, self-centered, dishonest, and abusive. He's also discerning, smart, and has tremendous potential. But he isn't choosing life. He isn't choosing health. And he certainly isn't choosing me. And I don't want the burden of trying to convince him. If it's not natural to him, then it is what it is.

I don't want the responsibility of feeding him anymore. Let him figure it out. 

I wrote this tonight:

So sparse. No affection from Ryan. He loves on the dogs but sits there holding his own hands together while I rub him and hold him and squeeze him.

It doesn’t feel good.

Time to let him go.

Move on.

Heal my own heart.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0txFXtOy5-/?igshid=N2ViNmM2MDRjNw== (on point IG reel)

Be with the uncomfortable feelings.

Set boundaries.

Choose other ways to spend my time.

He wouldn’t help with dishes. Eventually he cleaned the waffle maker after “joking” about not doing it.

He’s not partner material.

Stop wasting my heart.

I need to rip off the bandage. I thought I should wait until the 23rd. Give him a chance to figure it out. But that’s futile. He won’t choose me. And I don’t want him. He’s not motivated to create a nice life together. Today he said he hopes and plans to die well before retirement. He smokes and would love to do drugs. He’s a junkie and a liar and gaslighter and blamer and hurts me daily. Close up shop in your heart sweet girl.

__

Focus on loving myself. Exercise. Learn about makeup and hair. Buy new nice clothes for myself. Feel good and feel like a woman. 

Do what makes me feel good. He's not my best friend. He's the one that I have given myself and my time and my heart to, but he doesn't actually care about me. How long have I been asking him to check my oil? How long has he known I'm scared alone and scared of storms and did he check on me during that scary storm? Does he think of me? No. Only that I am a vex. I am needy. And he is resisty. 

God has sent Rosemary, Misha, and now Kiran from ES ...they are all witnessing my story and saying that I'm confused. 

I want to come back to the LIGHT. I DO want to merge my heart and mind IN LOVE. 

All the O'Malleys are egotists who think they are better than everyone else and who think I'm crazy, etc. I don't need that. I AM LOVE.

Coincidences and el stupido

 I wrote this to myself

Begin forwarded message:

From: Carissa Wages <crwages@gmail.com>

Date: December 11, 2023 at 12:49:33 PM EST

To: Carissa Wages <crwages@gmail.com>

I wish I’d listen to myself.
Why do I miss Ryan and wish he would apologize and come around?
But the question is will I apologize and take all the blame to keep him /the peace?
How can I restore my consciousness and wisdom and self?

Just tuck in and take care of ME.

Follow my own heart and my own beat of my own drummer.

Love on my doggies and animals and rest and take care of ME

...and Ryan sent a Telegram literally 5 minutes later at 12:54. WTH?

Someone from the Town of Selma just wrote back and called me too. Sounds like I need to do some sort of voluntary annexation into the city limits of Selma so I can get utilities. Okay. 

But WHY am I so dumb with Ryan. I just read that amazing post I wrote yesterday. So honest. But I just melt at the thought of maybe getting to talk to Ryan. Ugh. I should call and see if he wants to walk the dogs with me. 

Doesn't Do What He Says - (*A great post. Remember this one.)

He's going to eat desserts tonight even though we said that we were going back on the diet today (Sunday) if he took a day of on his birthday (Saturday). We also went out Friday night, so ... yeah... the point is that I watched him make excuses, be critical and blaming energy toward ME because he was going to do what he said he wouldn't. He is not trustworthy.

Also, he was suuuuuper mean to me today. Blaming me and me taking blame, but the truth is, he is purely selfish. It's all about him. And all about his narrative. And he is a narcissistic gaslighter and I need to see and experience what I have been. But I don't need to keep doing this. 

I saw today so clearly how it IS the same with me and my parents... how I knew they said they "loved me but they don't like me very much"... and that's the same with Ryan. He's not "in love" love with me, but he "loves me very much" and proceeds to tear apart every bit of me, barely giving me a tiny bit of kindness now and then, when it suits his needs. When I do things to knock his socks off.

He gets so excited to see Munky and squeezes and hugs and loves on him, but walks right by me. He doesn't have the capacity to love me... or doesn't choose it. Or some part of him (the strongest part) won't let him. But I don't even care anymore. He's not worth it.

Today he just wanted me to make him food... I could go and get it and bring it back... but he didn't want to participate and he threatened me that he was going to eat mac and cheese and stew... and he'll figure it out. And it's time to let him. I liked him depending on me for that because it caused him to need me...but he still didn't show much, if any, appreciation. 

It hurts me that he doesn't see me. It hurts me that he and his family think that I'M the crazy one. I am crazy for putting up with Ryan's abuse for so long. I need to take myself back. I almost stayed at his house under his nasty attitude for another football game (I was there for half of the Bills game and I like the Bills..and I tried to make the most of it... I cooked us dinner and tried to rub him... his shoulders and his cock...) ...but he was still cold, sarcastic, closed, and blaming. 

We just don't have a good relationship. And it makes me feel really bad. I should be here with my BOYS who DO want to be with me. And I can watch heart-warming stories and .... do I break up with him or let it slide and see if he comes around? How much longer do I want to deal with this? I am tired of the drama. 

When I left, I was waiting for him to invite me... even when we were outside so he could smoke, he usually says "shall we?" to walk back inside and he said "you coming?".... it's just his heart and he can't see. 

I was trying to keep him to myself... trying to love him enough to not want anyone else... but the truth is, he's not good for me. He doesn't love me. I need to let him be with anyone and everyone else. So that I can want to be with someone else. 

Today when I came to your house to spend the day with you and you said I could go make food and bring it back for you, that didn't feel good. That didn't feel like we were a team.

When I called to see if you wanted anything from the store (to guage our food situation), and you turned it around on me that I was thwarting our plans to be together, that didn't feel good to me.

When we were on the porch so you could smoke, when you come back in, you usually say "shall we?"...and you said "you coming?"...that didn't feel good to me. When we were inside and you said "what are you doing?" when you usually say "come on over here!" or something, that didn't feel good to me.
 

When you see Munkey, you kiss and hug him enthusiastically. When you see me, what do you do?

This is blamey and not necessary. I think I just know the answer and can just let him be. I don't need to control it. I can control ME. And love myself. And care for myself. And that's what I'm going to do. 

Ryan is his own miserable person and I can leave him to that. I choose life! And I don't need a man in it now. I need to get my own head and heart right. And I know I was in the right today... I had a light and generous heart and just wanted to be with Ryan. But he's not my person... he doesn't want to be with me. And he's not much of a catch. Selfish. Angry. Doesn't want to get me a Christmas present. Egotistical. Lazy. Poverty consciousness. Addict. Rude. Crass. And he IS balding, fat, and doesn't know how to use his dick or care about my pleasure ("you get yours"). Not moving toward moving in together. Sleeps half the day. Smokes. Wastes so much of his money on cigarettes. His prized possession is an 8-year-old car that I like that he likes but it's not my style. He's just a loser. On top of that he's a porn addict, and would rather jack off in front of his giant TV (all he has in his camper are a bed with a TV and a chair with a TV) than be with a real woman. He is a liar, a cheater, and angry/belligerent/narcissistic man who refuses to take responsibility for himself.

Who do I want to be?
I want to be kind, lighthearted, generous, hardworking, humble, pretty, loving, fun, and real. I want to attract someone who will appreciate me and that I can love well and that will love me back. That we can dream, create, and build a life together .... and a home. 

Ryan's not the guy. 
I thought he was, but he hasn't chosen TRUTH yet. He thinks he has, but he doesn't even know what that is. He gaslights the crap out of me and has twisted me all up to think that I'm the messed up one and that he does everything right (even though I know he doesn't... but I observe it and send it to God). 

I can't call Paul yet. Not until Ryan and I are officially over. But we are over. We knew that we'd know by December 23rd. And we do. He doesn't like my family. He doesn't like people. (For the record, I think he has the capacity and gifts to like people very much, but he hasn't chosen that now.)

Let me be honest. 
I don't like RYAN. I don't like the way he acts (egotistical, entitled, rude), thinks (same), or what he does (nothing unless he has to....but he smokes and sleeps and picks on me). 

I let him off the hook for finishing my house by Christmas (the trim, etc.).... and he took it... he's done so much of NOTHING for many days. And he's blamed me for stealing his Sundays all year...when he's spent MUCH time sleeping and watching football on Sundays, Mondays, and some Thursdays. He's just always looking for someone to blame.

I need to get recentered in my own life. Read my own books. Hang out with my own friends. And spend time with my own dogs. 

When Ryan is apologetic and charming he turns me around, but I need to just steer clear. Stay busy. Not have time for him. I used to want to try to keep him as a boyfriend but I don't anymore. God's will be done. Not mine. 

I give him. I'm done being used and hurt. 
I learned a lot. I went backward and had the MOST abusive boyfriend I've ever had (other than, maybe Joe... but Joe was committed to me too). I learned and practiced more service, humility, and surrender. I experienced being submissive to a man....and super attracted to one. 

But I'm going to be happy. Myself. Go to the gym. Do yoga. I did a coffee enema today. Get myself aligned with God. Focus on my work and my family here. 

I started this with a title "Doesn't do what he says"....but do I? No. I keep saying that I'm going to take myself back but I don't. So will I do what I say?? I sure hope so. I'm a stupid romantic and hope for love to win. 

And it does. But it's MY TRUE LOVE that wins. Period. Ryan's love is defiled. Untrue. And not for me. He doesn't love himself so he can't love me. Do I love myself? I am learning... but need to love me more. My resonance will draw in my person. So focus on that. Okay, Love? I know this is so hard for you. I am with you. 

Read. Journal. You're spinning. His energy rubs off on you. It's not healthy. Come back to center, beloved. I AM HERE WITH YOU. It's ME and you, Love. 

You don't need to "win" Ryan. You won't. God showed you. He lured you in and then has been using you to feed his narcissistic ego and pain body ever since. He's a pawn to his demons. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWRsgZuwf_8

(Imagine Dragons - Demons)

When I left, he made sure I heard him slam the lock closed. And turned off the light. Was he hurt that I left even though he wouldn't be honest...just blame blame blame and all I wanted to do was be with him. He's a tortured soul. He's out of alignment. I'm out of coherence. I am coming back to me. Do this book. (The Holistic Psychologist book... there were some questions... I'll write it in my paper journal from bed when I finish Malai work.)

Time to stop putting all my focus on healing energy on Ryan and put it back on myself. Back to self-work and self-care. STAR THIS!

I fall in love too easily. I give myself away too easily.

10/9:23

Grateful for my voice notes. 

I've been battling this since at least June. Known it was wrong but kept going. Because I "loved him". Stupid. But I see how I was, indeed, working with my childhood wound of trying to earn my parents' love.

Gotta go work with that book. "How to Be the Love that You Seek".
The way the O'Malley's talk to Micheal... discounting him as crazy too. I mean, I also think he's off his rocker some, but I want to be respectful. And they think I'm crazy. Okay. 

I am a peacemaker. I am a polarity integrator. I AM. I AM LOVE. (I am supposed to be anyway... but I've given myself to the lust of the flesh, the lust of Ryan, which has taken me off of my game.)

Getting back to it now... thank you God!

Options for Ryan and What I Want

I wrote this email today... I think it makes good points.

Could Ryan be someone who could meet my desires for a partner?

The way I see it, we have 3 options. Can you come up with more?

1. Go our separate ways and don’t talk other than friendly neighbors conversation. I am still friends with your parents so we will see each other. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide away from me when I am around. 

- note: I’m not a fan of that … feels like an  uncomfortable living environment. 

2. Remain besties. Share and talk and make plans to get together for game nights or meals when we have space in our lives to share time together. 

3. Romantic relationship. Continue to keep chipping away at our own dysfunctional behaviors in order to attain love, peace and joy together as a couple.

Important to me:

That we learn to respect, trust, and communicate effectively.

Traits I am looking for in a partner -

- Animal & Nature Lover - wants to spend time with/in both.

- Likes adventure/exploration 

- Wants to share life with their person when they find them (respecting that the processes of discovery takes time).

- Open-minded, interested in learning new things - likes to read, teachable, open to hearing my perspective and sharing theirs, knowing that everything changes and it’s the sharing of knowledge, experience, and ideas that spurs deeper understanding and inspires insight that ultimately drives one’s ever-changing perspectives.

- Forgiving and flexible - knowing that humans make mistakes which fuels growth. Working through challenges makes us stronger.

- Compassionate. Feeling the soft squishiness of humanity and recognizing that people aren’t perfect. (Also, one person’s perfect is different from another’s.)

- Fun, likes to laugh, play, work, explore, snuggle, make love, watch movies, watch sports games, watch documentaries, talk an and dream about the things we learn, etc.

- Trustworthy, honest, kind

I asked him to consider what he wanted and write them down. I wonder if he'll do it. 

Do we think the worst of each other?

I also wrote this note to Paul that I was going to run past Ryan for his thoughts.

Thinking of writing this to Paul

Dear Paul, You've been on my heart and mind all week, of course. I am worried about you and hope that you have found someone to talk to. I sincerely care about you and pray for your healing (body, mind, and soul). Please don't forget that God hears you and responds. I remember how you reached out to God for the first time in a while when your car broke down and God sent Ryan to help you. Michael sent this short and moving clip the other day... another example.

God is love. Satan is not. Choose love.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I imagine it felt bad to need a friend and I trust you can feel my heart and know that I care about you, so it was probably confusing how I asked you to pay what you owe me. (Of course, if we are honest, you probably owe me more, considering the large investment I made in you to bring you and your belongings from Alaska and Oklahoma. But I chalk that up to experience. The items of mine that you kept when you moved out, I have also replaced or let go of as well. But in your heart of hearts, I know you know that you did me wrong.) That said, I STILL keep giving... even after you moved out, leaving me to pay your July rent, I still tried to show you love and was there for you when you were struggling (i.e. bought you food, let you use my laundry machine, offered to help with Manson, etc.). 

Ryan has seen this pattern and has been frustrated that I keep giving and giving to my ex-boyfriend who has been taking and taking from the getgo. I know you have excuses/reasons for why you feel justified in that, but all that aside, the truth is the truth. 

Ryan helped you with your car, twice. You hardly acknowledged it. You wouldn't let him come to our apartment, so for 3-4 months, I was paying for rent and not able to LIVE there. I could come and go, but I put your feelings first. And I understand that this is the fallout from a broken relationship. I hate that our relationship broke. I tried so dang hard and it wasn't enough. You were waiting for me to meet your expectations of servitude, humility, and honor without doing the personal work to earn or reciprocate that. 

I digress. So I wanted to let you know that the reason I put that out there (for you to pay me what you owe), was because again, you were wanting something from me (my care and concern and ear) and I, as always, would willingly give it. But when I told Ryan about it, he wanted to protect me - he sees how I keep giving myself to you and you keep taking. He thinks I am ridiculous and I guess I am...but I DO care about you!

Anyway, he suggested I say that and it DID end up showing me your heart. You have been rolling in money and you know that I'm over my head and in debt and you didn't choose to do the right thing to indemnify me. (I honestly expected you to drop a big chunk of change to help me out considering how generous I was with you... but you won't even pay what you literally owe.)

I should just let it go... I see your heart... but I also SEE YOUR HEART and want to help you identify this selfish, entitled, and ungrateful behavior so that you can ask God to show you the truth (whatever it is...heck, I could be wrong!) But if you are sick, then maybe something is out of whack in your body, mind, or soul, and identifying and releasing it may be the best medicine.

So that's it. 

Also, do you think the carnivore diet caused the issue? I got back on it a couple weeks ago but if it made you sick, I would like to know so I don't take the same road. It's confusing because last time I saw you when you bought your car, you looked better than you have as long as I've known you. 

Thanks for taking the time to listen.

I am praying for you.

Love,

Carissa

I love my work team... so kind and interesting. Today I learned that Kaena's dad killed himself - shot himself - last summer. And a bunch of us, including Bryant, were talking about guns.

They harvested the soybeans today!! There is the biggest combine I've ever seen sitting outside!!!

____

Yeah, Ryan sent me a note at lunch with an orange heart. It's over. He doesn't love me.
And I don't know why I keep resisting it. 
Right now it's 6:14 and I haven't heard from him and I'm worried and he knew it and he said he'd call me right back and I said he didn't have to and he actually DIDN'T. But if he knew that I was worried and wrote him all these messages and had all these questions, why didn't he? And I don't trust him. Maybe he called his Aunt Ronnie, but maybe he's talking to one of these girls that he's been farming the interwebs for? He's charming when he wants to be and he plays the game... but I have to remember that he's got to go through his process in order to do what he wants to do (soulwise) and maybe Misha is right, that losing me is the lesson. How many years will it take? And does it make a difference if he decides or I do? But how can I trust him? He has told me he isn't attracted to me, doesn't love me, and that it won't work between us. Why don't I take that at face value?

I need to not be so needy. I need to let go. My desire for him makes him push me away. 

____

Okay, false alarm. He was just working late. 

See how I get worked up?

Amazing!!! Right on Time!

Look at the Pattern App I got today....

This is nuts. I mean, Ryan swooped into my life, it's been intense and such a powerful and educational experience, and then swooped out. Perfectly timed. 

We were together 9 months.

So crazy!

Yesterday (before he broke up with me), I was reflecting on how I felt I had been going through the fire with him/this... and just now I saw Ayla's page open on my computer screen "FIRE | FIRE" and that's what I see... both of us, as mirrors, going through the fire. Thank you God! What a gift! I am grateful!!

So, God, let's see what's next on this ride!!!

___

Yeah, it's been a rollercoaster. I was almost giddy when I got that message because it gave me a reason for the pain. But I crashed and burned ... fire... burning off the dross... so so so much crying this afternoon. I sent myself a voice note about how interesting my crying was... I took a bath and cried and cried and cried and it was almost like an orgasm... the way you can touch all the different areas in the vagina different ways and get different feels... I felt like I was touching all these emotional pools inside of me... I cried different ways... moaning, screaming, mewing, etc... just lots of different feelings coming up... anger, frustration, sadness, etc... and it was like my body and head were like an energetic vagina where I was feeling into these pockets of pain for release. 

I saw 16:16/6 and 17:17 (and 16:17/6 if that's anything). I went to the gym briefly. I waffle between comforting myself and hoping that Ryan will come around. Daydreaming about all the scenarios. Right now I'm convinced he's out meeting another woman. How can he not want me when I TRIED SO HARD! I thought I did everything right! I didn't want to harm him and he wanted me to. It's his pain body. He's not in the same head or heartspace as me. He said my heart is like a lump of coal. And that I'm a liar. He said a lot of things. Some point to a truth, but it's hard to hear when he's calling me a fucking psycho bitch who is passive-aggressive because I asked him to try the food I made for him. 

Tuck in. God's in charge. God's will be done. And Ryan's. But he is obviously not choosing me or this path. And that's surely better for me... it just hurts right now. Same for when Joe and I broke up and he didn't choose me.... look at what my life would have been...20 years of dealing with his alcoholism and all that goes with it. Frankly this is Ryan's issue too.... he hasn't dealt with himself. He thinks he has, but he hasn't. And he says my self-work and journaling isn't useful... but I definitely feel like I move the needle.

Thanks for sending my friend Yeff to call.
Note that after that pattern app was on point, I checked my connections on there and there was one so I talked to him briefly and he was a lie....I saw through his bitcoin crap. I don't want to date people online. I want to date myself, love myself, take care of myself, and let God bring me my true beloved.

I thought it was Ryan. Fuck. But I don't want to be the person that says fuck. It's unintelligent. He thinks he's so smart, but all he does is put other people down and swear and smoke and sometimes he helps other people out. He has a good heart but it's buried under a pile of hurt that he refuses to address.

I can't hear him well when he's Hyde... I try but it's harder to hear through the pain body trickery. 

Miracles are upon us. Just wait. You are so loved, Carissa.

Ryan not only doesn't like Nahko Bear, but he HATES him (because I like him. Paul was the same.)... this is what I need to look for...someone who resonates with Nahko. That would be a good measurement.

Just got 18:18 too... working this piece I guess.

____

I just sit here hoping that he'll come over. I'm pathetic. I miss my best friend. :(

____

It's the end. I just need to come to terms with it. 
Stop hoping. 
Stop daydreaming.
If he ever comes. Just be kind, but I need to let him go. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love himself and he does what I do where we punish other people because we feel bad inside of ourselves. He's got so much pain and trauma and until he faces that himself, he won't be good. Maybe he has to try on other girlfriends and relationships and figure it out... maybe he won't ever choose this path... but I HAVE chosen it and I want to heal and see and feel and BE LOVE. I want to do that with a partner. I want to learn how to love better...how to make love and give love and take love and all the things.... I need someone honest and willing to do the work. He has said that I don't do any of that, but that's gaslighting because the truth is that HE belittles and ridicules that kind of thing. 

God bless and help him. Send angels. Send help. Send love. Send light and energy and power and healing to soothe my beloved's soul and open his mind and heart. And I know he may not be my earth beloved, but he is my soul beloved and I will always think that of him. I feel that. And I wanted to help him. 

Part of the Problem - Nahko.... very much speaking to me about me and my situation... Good heart off to a bad start. What about all that shit I did for love, maybe it wasn't love....

___

Another breakthrough and so many tears and snot...  I see how broken I am and how I try so hard to earn love and it's misguided and not pure... I'm trying to GET. It's vampiric... trying to earn affection and committment.

"all these things take time" - needtobreathe's HANG ON. 2nd time today... this is the song that always told me to hang on to Ryan. But I need to hang on to myself. And find my own love for myself... my own happiness within.  I can't get it from anyone else.

I'm so sick. I blew my nose in case he came over. I keep hoping. I'm sick.

Some notes I emailed myself today:

10:39:

That Pattern App is freaky! 
I mean, Ryan broke up with me right before midnight on the day this 9 month pattern ended.
Birthing myself - new experience and understanding and freedom from doctrine and perceptions that were snaring me.

I see more of my strengths. Have a new job and friends and hope for the future. I have a new home and my boys - doggie loves. Rue left me at the beginning of this cycle and Ryan helped with her exit and Sunny’s entrance.

Miracles!!

12:18:

It had to end like that.
Someday maaaaaay Ryan will see what he threw away.

I wasn’t resonant for him. He may be a “genetic equal”, but he is on his own timeline for “waking up”. I want to come back to myself- to love and crystals and trees and nature and meditation and healing and growth. This has been excellent practice and “dark arts training”.

2:37: 

A cry about work. Crystal is gone. I'm tired. I've been going for a week straight. My heart is so sad. I lost my best friend. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend. He was who I looked forward to seeing every night. I wanted to share my life with him. He is so mean and sarcastic and jekyll and hyde. When he's nice he's the best, when he's mean, he's the worst. 

I need to let him go. It's time for me to choose me. So feel the pain. Distract myself. Mourn the loss. And let him go. 

This one is from 2 days ago... December 4th at 10:39am:

Football is more important than me. He’s resentful because I interrupted his football day. He had at least 5 days off (one of which he spent helping at my house- put in the sinks in my bathroom and strip on my counter. But he has had a lot of downtime. He is very poor with time management, accomplishing tasks, and has an ego the size of Texas. Sweats and blames everyone else. He thinks he’s so smart- and he is - but he is also not an open minded thinker. He asks Google or Siri to feed him answers. He can be charming but he doesn’t expend his energy on that for me anymore- he thinks he has me in the bag. He said the other day that he didn’t want to keep me from my friends but he heckles me about them. He is controlling and I know he’s trying to find his groove with masculinity and dominance but he’s quite mean with it now. He belittles and blames me. And I keep loving him. And I’m definitely learning and observing and growing. But it doesn’t appear to have a future. The abuse is getting old. And he lost my trust with the cheating. I see his character. Why did I not remember that he was so mad at me for a long time because I didn’t want to be a liar. And then he turned it around on me as though I were a liar. It was delusional BUT there is something to all of it. He sees layers below the surface- below the show. And I like that he calls me to feel and see it too.

I need to watch this every day:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/326363663472593

On point. I'm trying to re-write the story of my neglectful parents and I keep choosing people that are bad for me.

God is getting me out of this one by making Ryan break up with me. It hurts like a bitch, but we are feeling it and choose not to hold onto the pain but to allow it to transmute into healing and love for my Cristy.

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19:11 - so much of this lately. What does it mean?

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Note from the next day:
I saw 9:11 again this morning! And 5:55 just now. Healing NRG stuff.

Ryan came over at 8 last night (when I was about to go to bed....and we talked and hung out until 11:30ish. It didn't seem like we made great progress but it seems like our souls love eachother... I could tell he missed me when he came in and we hugged... but then we started talking and everything got ego-y. It's our dang egos. Both of us. 

But then I offered him a BJ and we had a faaaaantastic time. We left on good terms.