Do I disconnect from other spiritual inputs in order to discover my own? Am I being programmed by others ideas which *resonate*? What part of me does it resonate with? The victim? The hero? The princess? The villain?
Ryan’s abusive behavior comes from his own dysfunction and unregulated nervous system and trauma. He will need to address that himself if he ever chooses to. But in the meantime, is being in this energy good for me? I DO feel like he helps me identify areas that I need to improve in myself. How can I be more feminine, focused, present, and clear?
He likes it when I say stuff like “f-you”… he prefers to be spoken to with abuse. And his best example of a good relationship is his Dad and Dee and he doesn’t respect them. He doesn’t respect anyone, or look for learning opportunities or conversations with anyone. Maybe Mr. Gray is speaking some truth into his world. Maybe I am modeling it some, but he writes everything I say and do and think off as crazy.
Obviously I’m still wanting to stay in it. Addicted to the drama and excitement? Trauma bonds? The thrill of the chase? He’s not much of a catch. I just like and long for him. I think his soul is a catch, maybe. Or part of my “mission”? I consciously thought I was experiencing “mission failure” when we broke up briefly the other day.
I am a witness of his bad behavior. I wonder if that helps on some layer of reality.
Ryan’s abusive behavior comes from his own dysfunction and unregulated nervous system and trauma. He will need to address that himself if he ever chooses to. But in the meantime, is being in this energy good for me? I DO feel like he helps me identify areas that I need to improve in myself. How can I be more feminine, focused, present, and clear?
He likes it when I say stuff like “f-you”… he prefers to be spoken to with abuse. And his best example of a good relationship is his Dad and Dee and he doesn’t respect them. He doesn’t respect anyone, or look for learning opportunities or conversations with anyone. Maybe Mr. Gray is speaking some truth into his world. Maybe I am modeling it some, but he writes everything I say and do and think off as crazy.
Obviously I’m still wanting to stay in it. Addicted to the drama and excitement? Trauma bonds? The thrill of the chase? He’s not much of a catch. I just like and long for him. I think his soul is a catch, maybe. Or part of my “mission”? I consciously thought I was experiencing “mission failure” when we broke up briefly the other day.
I am a witness of his bad behavior. I wonder if that helps on some layer of reality.
What is reality?
________
Looking at Ryan’s “ patterns “ on the pattern app, I think we are going to break up . He has the call and potential to go through a massive awakening in the next year and a half or so. I won’t be helpful to him during that period.
I’m going through a lot too - learning to be attractive, softening, release and advance, etc. We’ll see what God has in store
I’m going through a lot too - learning to be attractive, softening, release and advance, etc. We’ll see what God has in store
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Note to Jennifer:
12:13 PM (1 hour ago) |
Thank you for writing to me!!! I loved every drop!
The Low and Slow buffet is $25 per person - just a head's up. But if you eat enough, it's a better value. We got there as they were breaking it down so we got to take extra home too.
Panera sounds perfect!!! I'm craving some carbs and sugar (probably because I'm so hungry) and I love their crusty breads. What did you choose to eat? I'd like to get a half and half meal with a sandwich and a soup (although I really like the soup in a bread bowl...though there's never enough soup).
I'm with David on buffets, by the way. Golden Corral is especially fun because it's a feast for your eyes too!
My parents are coming from Florida and brothers and their family are coming from Texas and we will all meet at my sisters' homes in Raleigh. I'll be there Christmas morning (and all days 24-27). At some point over the 2 days that my brothers will be here, they will come see my "new" house. One of my brothers is going to stay at my house too!
I think I've finished all my shopping... except to buy the honey from you. I wish I could use a card. I might ask Bryant.
Our family does something called "Secret Chef" which is like "Secret Santa" but we cook something for one another. My person is my 3 year old nephew. I wanted to make him animal crackers but couldn't find tiny cookie cutters in that size. I found some larger ones that are farm themed so I'm going to make that kind of dough and make him farm/animal cookies and put them in a tractor (I hope... if it works... I got it on Amazon). So I need to get the stuff for that and make it. I'm also going to make a family recipe called "mail cookies" for our work celebration on Wednesday.
For Ryan I got him an egg cooker to make hard-boiled eggs. He thinks he can't cook anything and can't do the carnivore diet without me, but we'll get him started with that. I also got him a pyrex bowl set which he won't want, but he'll need something to put the eggs in when they come out of the cooker. I also got him some "couples conversation/question" cards and some Beats headphones. (I alllllso got him some photos and a couple picture frames... one that I put a bunch of our photos in so he can remember our love, but I couldn't wait and gave that to him this weekend.) What did you get David?
I DIDN'T get anything for my furry babies, but now I want to. They need something because they keep tearing up my stuff. Hmmm. Yeah. Good point. Do you get stuff for all your kids?? Anything fun for your son?
OH! And I love your thoughts about the alien overlords and ants thing. I especially love the circus sideshow/zoo! Lol! Yeah. If space and the Universe is what we're told it is, then it seems impossible that we would be the only "life". I have had so many thoughts and beliefs around "reality", but I'm currently in a phase of trying to dismantle the house of cards that is my BS (belief system) which is based on what others have told me. I want to discover "truth" based on my own findings. But how can we do that? I'm torn. Right now I use *resonance* and *discernment* to determine what I believe, but what part of me is doing the discernment? The victim part of me? The princess part of me? The villian part of me? The hero part of me? I might need to go sit in a cave on the top of a mountain to work it out.
It's FUN to have beliefs though... and I'm weird so I like to share in ideas that are "out there", but not sure if I'm perpetuating things that create harm on any level (even of my consciousness).
Oh this is so fun to think and talk about...but it's LUNCHTIME, so I'll send this!
Oh this is so fun to think and talk about...but it's LUNCHTIME, so I'll send this!
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I look at everything through a lens of “what’s the better way to do it” which keeps me stuck feeling like nothing is good enough. Never satisfied.
I lie to myself and think so highly of myself. I need to not think lowly of myself either.
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Geomancy is the study of the Cosmic, Solar, Stellar and Planetary energy bodies, and how these collective energetic forces are configured within our bodies consciousness and within the planet, as well as the practice of interacting and communicating with this living intelligent energy matrix.
THAT is what I like to study/learn. My "BS" ...or how I try to develop them...the lens.... (bs= belief systems)
I am here where I am with Ryan because of my negative ego... i have so much negative ego work to still do. This is the gift...to learn and feel the hard stuff with Ryan, his parents, Steve, work people, etc.
NEGATIVE EGO CLEARING
"As a part of serving the Cosmic Christos family, we learn that this esoteric energy field and spiritual current is the way to ground the Seven Higher Heavens into the Earthly plane, enabling the planetary consciousness and human race to ascend."
See the forces trying to distract and turn off my consciousness to remove consciousness from the earth... the jab and distraction are all here to take me offline. Follow God.
This stuff with Ryan is a mirror to show me where I still have (SO MUCH) to heal and clear. So much ego, gaslighting, lying, fear, etc. I don't feel like I'm being deeply harmed by his abuse, like I'm strong enough but I don't want to be decieved either. I think I am learning and have some space (tri-wave energy, I think. Neutrality) that lets me be an observer. It hurts when things dont go as I'd like (unity) and there is a draw and an addiction type of cording... but there are lessons in all of it.
"Through the acknowledgment of our interconnection with all life and the Universe, we recognize the necessary liberation of our essential spiritual nature as the goal for all human beings.When we reach this level of self-realization, the Planetary Logos will communicate with our consciousness and help to direct us to specific locations of geography and geomantic structures. We can unlock our Consciousness from being trapped or oppressed by directly interacting and meditating with these sacred and holy sites on the earth and by directly working with energy configurations in our body and with the many different vortex points on the planetary body that hold geomantic form"
Just talking about this with Rosemary last week:
"Holographic Geography can be thought of as somewhat similar to a sound recording of the intelligent energy of the earth. These sound field recordings, made throughout the timelines of history, are created from vibrating matter, like musical instruments or vocal cords. They are encoded in such a way that they can be reproduced later, without the presence of the original vibrating matter. When we have developed Higher Sensory Perception and have devoted ourselves to serve the planet, our consciousness can discern or decipher the many different kinds of imprints made in the holographic geography throughout time. "
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Feeling a strong pull to use a substance- sugar and carbs - today to help with tiredness, lack of clarity, and soothing.
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