Dear John Letter

This is a good letter.

Dear Ryan,

I’d love for us to be friends.

I care about you very much.

But I don’t want to love you and give my life to you anymore. 

I want to save my love and life to give to someone who wants to reciprocate it.

I think you’re awesome and hope we can remain in one another’s lives. I’m looking forward to continue walking dogs and snuggling cats and going on adventures… maybe to the movies and definitely to the salt water tank and if you ever want to go to the gym, lol. But let’s take a load off and do all this as friends.

I understand I am surrendering you to the POF ladies and all the other app ladies and porn and all that… but I can’t compete. And don’t want to. The guy who wants to be with me won’t want to also be with other people. Like you said, you’re not “in-love” with me. And that just is what it is. I can’t force it or earn it or change it. 

I wish I could help you stay on the carnivore diet (and will any way I can) but it sounds like you’re going to have to figure it out for yourself. (Like you said.) It’s not reasonable for a friend to come over and eat every day. We’re going to have to peel our lives away from one another to make room for healing and new friends.

For the record, I think that carnivore, or keto, or a low-carb/no-sugar diet is the way to go. Processed stew and Mac & Cheese won’t cut it. (But if you’re on a mission to die, then that’s the way.)

Here’s the link to https://e2mfitness.com/ 

If you want to do this, I’ll do it with you. Let me know. 

Long story short - you know it - I’ve said it a lot - I love you. Supernaturally. I have a heart, body, mind, and soul full of love for you. I don’t understand it, but it has provided me with a wealth of forgiveness and patience and willingness to grow. I will look on our time together as one of the richest times/experiences and know that I’m better for it. 

I wish happiness, fulfillment, and peace for you, dear one. I look forward to our next chapter as friends. 

Love,

Carissa

Appropriate time. Today is 12/13 (Unification of masculine and feminine). 

Ryan working on his Dad's truck is bookends of our time together. 

He has said a couple times that he wants to get his taxes in order. That's a big deal. He is moving through the sludge. Ever so slightly, lol, but he's doing it. He's making progress on thinking about his dream of starting his own business. 

And what am I making progress on. Accepting that I live alone. Thinking about taking responsibility for my own home projects. Breaking out of a toxic relationship. Loving myself. 

____

Wrote during Jury Duty

Relationship with Ryan had taught me to observe my dissociation in times of stress as as well as to push through- to get used to it in a way. I still feel a bit of the dizziness and confusion but I’ve had practice staying with it - even in the face of his SEVERE disregulation. 

We are definitely working with trauma bonds. It’s so interesting. Thank you God for the lessons.

Do I let it naturally unfold or put an end to it?

——

During juror break- I called Ryan and his voice lit up my life!

Of course it’s 4pm and The only thing he’s done today… and he hasn’t yet… is he's going to do an oil change on his car. He’s at the auto parts store now.

Can we work through our trauma bond?

And... I love him. Back to that. Don't want to break up. I want us to make it work.

___

Suuuuuuch a nice night with Ryan.... eating, talking, playing. He checked my oil, fixed my door, took apart our waffle maker, we watched jeopardy, had 2 bjs and sex, and talked frankly about everything, including being friends. We love each other. But he might need the break to see whether he misses me or not. And maybe I want a chance to find my "unicorn" if Ryan isn't it. He uses that phrase and says he isn't it... that I want a prince charming or rom-com guy. Which I do. But could Ryan be my prince? I sure like to do life with him. To have the challenges and talk through them.

I talked to him about trauma bonds. He thinks it's hooey. He thinks everything is hooey though... that he knows better. And he thinks that I have errant perception about childhood neglect. But we had a nice...a really nice night. He took the garbage out at the end of the night too. Just a nice night. And I went to his house to get him earlier... so... yeah. It was perfect. 

We'll see what's next.