Did it

Well, we did it. We broke up.
It helped that YouTube fed me this: https://youtu.be/sRDP2CI9Ivk?si=qD_Gf0wKW7F_5yIL
(Matt Kahn from Hurt to Happiness) and there was a part that talked about how we keep making excuses for people. I have made so many excuses for Ryan. Even now, I asked him what he decided - if he wanted to be friends (he said 2 days ago that he'd tell me yesterday or today). And he said he wanted to keep with our "current arrangement". "Arrangement". That word. I asked him what it meant and he said "boyfriend and girlfriend", but it was not with love. And he doesn't respond to me with love. He never answers my questions or texts on Telegram anymore. He is rude and puts me down every chance he gets. Tonight he was telling me that I'm essentially retarded and have no social or emotional skills and it makes sense that no one liked me in school. He said he wanted to keep with our current arrangement until our next fight and then he'd reconsider again. Stringing me along. Keeping me in fear of upsetting him. He likes our current arrangement because he was getting 2-3 blowjobs a night and I was cooking for him and cleaning and didn't ask for anything in return (I mean... yeah, his friendship and time. Watch Jeopardy and football and you don't need to consider my feelings or needs...take your time...blah blah.) 

Tonight he was saying that there's nothing wrong with him... it took a while to remind him of how he said he was "damaged goods" and he said he was "perfectly happy" living like a hermit. He lies to himself so much. And he blames everyone else. And he says I'M not an empath but he is. I'd say that I am much more empathic, sympathetic, and compassionate. I try to see things from his point of view and try to soothe and help him. But it's pointless. He likes to live in the state of sympathetic dominance he's in. He won't hear from anyone else, especially me or anyone that I recommend that he might consider self-help. He's closed hearted and closed-minded and we won't get anywhere this way. I can't change him ... I can't love him to love me. I just get to love myself. And feel what comes up. And it's okay. I'm grateful for Matt Kahn and the YouTube that I can watch that can encourage and entertain me. I'm going to be okay. I am my own unicorn. And I am my own friend and lover and parent and I am enough.

I'm grateful for this time with Ryan. I learned so much. His lies and belittling and abusive comments roll right off my back because they aren't true. I know I'm good and loving and kind and generous. I know I tried so hard. And I also know that I deserve to be treated well. And he isn't capable of that. He's not capable of honesty with himself, let alone me. He has to turn everything around and pin it on me. I wish I had recorded it... it always boggles my mind. 

Anyway, I'm going to choose happiness and life and joy and ME. Meditation and my crystals and God and self-care and health and now all I need to focus on is me. I'm tired of taking care of Ryan. It was SO UNreciprocated. He was a taker too. But I experienced deep attraction and sexual enjoyment that opened me up to a new level of possibility. And the desire to be pretty and dress up and more feminine and humble (in response to a real man). And my appreciation for a handy man. Yep. It was a great learning experience.

I loved him and my heart and soul are sad and will miss him. Maybe he'll have a breakthrough, but if I'm honest, it's unlikely. He's so hardened and egotistical. I tried to soften it for him too. I should have just let him storm out... but I needed the softer let-down and the hug goodbye. My heart and soul hugged my guy and we felt the love that we share. We share a powerful connection and I'm lucky to have experienced it here in this plane. Maybe next life (if I choose to come back), we can mop things up. Or maybe this WAS us mopping and we can have coffee and walk the dogs together in heaven and laugh and talk. It feels so ouchy now. I am losing my best friend.

But I need to in order to rekindle my REAL best friend, ME.

Walk the dogs more. Do kind things for others. Take care of myself. Go to the movies. EnJOY life.

I love YOU, Carissa. I love YOU. Ryan doesn't see or get or appreciate you. He's not the guy. Just like the addictions were trying to kill you, this addiction to Ryan is trying to kill you too... to take you out. It's not healthy. You are so beautiful and you will find a healthy loving relationship when the time is right - but first, find a healthy, loving relationship with yourself.

Get some sleep dear one. You have to get up early tomorrow for work. Sweet dreams beloved.