A dick and a user

Ryan is a dick and a user. I always end up with the same person - the taker. And he's taking more and more and more... and I'm tired and I STILL keep trying. I'm so stupid.

I'm frustrated that I've had to cook every meal for the last 6 weeks... that I buy most of them too. And have done the dishes all but maybe twice. He expects it, comes in and acts like a jerk, and is rude. He calls me a poor conversationalist when when I TRY to talk to him, he insults me and puts me down and calls me dumb. He purposely intends me to wilt, not blossom. He is selfish, self-centered, rude, and gross. He had all week off and he couldn't make time for me to do anything I wanted to do (shopping at Costco, go to the movies). He DID come help me move 6 bales of hay (taking 10 minutes total of his time). I took his trash to the dump for the second time in a row. He is a taker. He takes in the bedroom and takes in the house and kitchen. I want a partner. I need someone to split bills with. I'm in debt. I need HELP. I need someone to BELIEVE in me and say NICE THINGS to me. I have a boyfriend who's sole purpose is to break me down to make himself feel better and stronger. He has torn me apart and I'm tired and I am done. Just waiting for it to melt away. I was holding out for 12/23 or some breakthrough or Christmas or all of the above, but I just need to let him go. I wanted him to help put my sink in. He said he was going to help with so much with my house but he doesn't. He sleeps and watches TV and masturbates and sometimes goes to work and sometimes helps his dad - also a token. But I don't even get a token anymore. And he wants blowjobs but doesn't give me much, if any, attention. 

I knew it was ending. And it has to. It's so toxic and unhealthy. I knew he was looking for a fight. He just complains about everything.  His stomach hurts now. He's not well. He takes tylenol every day to live and pepcid AC. He's balding, fat, and can't get it up. He's not well. His fire is out of balance. He's not honest. He blames everyone else. And he has to learn to sit with it. He can't see. And I thought that I could help him, but I can't. Only he can and I need to help myself. 

I want a good, loving, equitable relationship. And that won't happen with Ryan unless... no. It won't happen with him. He's not the guy. 

I need to love myself enough and focus on myself and maybe I will have someone to share a life with, but maybe not, but I need to get okay with it just being me.

It's Hazel's 2nd birthday. 12/21/23 I called her... 

I'm so distracted from connecting deeply with my true friends and family who care about me... I've fallen into this sickness... I saw 9:11 again this morning...woke to it...and tonight... it's all over. It's time to break free. Choose to break the chains. 

Listening to this now...thank you God for the reminder:

https://drsuemorter.com/Solstice-23-replay/

It's time to let go. 

For realz.

I can distract myself with maybe dating... but I need to be by myself... learn to love and care for myself. If I want to go to the movies, go. 
I don't want to have a rude, entitled, terrorist in my home and life.

There have been so many lessons, and I have so much growing and healing to do...but Ryan isn't a PARTNER or even a true FRIEND to do it with. He doesn't accept me for who I am. He doesn't encourage me to express myself. He uses me and abuses me and it's time to break free.

I'm nervous about being alone and doing all this alone...but I'm not alone. God is with me and I have friends and family. I need to break up with him. I think I'll just ghost him. There's nothing else to say. I'm tired of the rollercoaster. He knows how to hook my hope and it brings me back for more...but he IS feeding on my energy... he hates the concept of loosh so much because his demons are ALL IN with that shit.

I am a spiritual and connected being. Do not shut myself off or down for the sake of earning a man's attention. 

He's not the guy for me. I want to get steaks. I want to feed myself. Probably carnivore diet is the best for me. Maybe. Maybe carnivore with some veggies. Definitely work out. But I don't need the burden of taking care of Ryan and feeding him and waiting on him and cleaning up after him and paying him and giving him pleasure. FTHAT. I want to take care of ME. 

It's a NEW SEASON. The season of CARISSA LOVE. Ryan's out. I'm in.

Please sweet girl. Save YOURSELF.

______

12/22/1:22am I am a bonafide stalker. I had a transcendant time doing that Winter Solstice meditation and then I walked over to Ryan's who had closed his curtains so I went around back to peek at him and could have gotten myself shot (if he had a gun) or arrested (if he had a mind to do so). I ended up getting to give him a lonnnnnng bj but it was kinda bad. I need to reflect and see myself. Tomorrow. Tonight I need a shower and probably a release.