This is nuts. I mean, Ryan swooped into my life, it's been intense and such a powerful and educational experience, and then swooped out. Perfectly timed.
We were together 9 months.
So crazy!
Yesterday (before he broke up with me), I was reflecting on how I felt I had been going through the fire with him/this... and just now I saw Ayla's page open on my computer screen "FIRE | FIRE" and that's what I see... both of us, as mirrors, going through the fire. Thank you God! What a gift! I am grateful!!
So, God, let's see what's next on this ride!!!
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Yeah, it's been a rollercoaster. I was almost giddy when I got that message because it gave me a reason for the pain. But I crashed and burned ... fire... burning off the dross... so so so much crying this afternoon. I sent myself a voice note about how interesting my crying was... I took a bath and cried and cried and cried and it was almost like an orgasm... the way you can touch all the different areas in the vagina different ways and get different feels... I felt like I was touching all these emotional pools inside of me... I cried different ways... moaning, screaming, mewing, etc... just lots of different feelings coming up... anger, frustration, sadness, etc... and it was like my body and head were like an energetic vagina where I was feeling into these pockets of pain for release.
I saw 16:16/6 and 17:17 (and 16:17/6 if that's anything). I went to the gym briefly. I waffle between comforting myself and hoping that Ryan will come around. Daydreaming about all the scenarios. Right now I'm convinced he's out meeting another woman. How can he not want me when I TRIED SO HARD! I thought I did everything right! I didn't want to harm him and he wanted me to. It's his pain body. He's not in the same head or heartspace as me. He said my heart is like a lump of coal. And that I'm a liar. He said a lot of things. Some point to a truth, but it's hard to hear when he's calling me a fucking psycho bitch who is passive-aggressive because I asked him to try the food I made for him.
Tuck in. God's in charge. God's will be done. And Ryan's. But he is obviously not choosing me or this path. And that's surely better for me... it just hurts right now. Same for when Joe and I broke up and he didn't choose me.... look at what my life would have been...20 years of dealing with his alcoholism and all that goes with it. Frankly this is Ryan's issue too.... he hasn't dealt with himself. He thinks he has, but he hasn't. And he says my self-work and journaling isn't useful... but I definitely feel like I move the needle.
I saw 16:16/6 and 17:17 (and 16:17/6 if that's anything). I went to the gym briefly. I waffle between comforting myself and hoping that Ryan will come around. Daydreaming about all the scenarios. Right now I'm convinced he's out meeting another woman. How can he not want me when I TRIED SO HARD! I thought I did everything right! I didn't want to harm him and he wanted me to. It's his pain body. He's not in the same head or heartspace as me. He said my heart is like a lump of coal. And that I'm a liar. He said a lot of things. Some point to a truth, but it's hard to hear when he's calling me a fucking psycho bitch who is passive-aggressive because I asked him to try the food I made for him.
Tuck in. God's in charge. God's will be done. And Ryan's. But he is obviously not choosing me or this path. And that's surely better for me... it just hurts right now. Same for when Joe and I broke up and he didn't choose me.... look at what my life would have been...20 years of dealing with his alcoholism and all that goes with it. Frankly this is Ryan's issue too.... he hasn't dealt with himself. He thinks he has, but he hasn't. And he says my self-work and journaling isn't useful... but I definitely feel like I move the needle.
Thanks for sending my friend Yeff to call.
Note that after that pattern app was on point, I checked my connections on there and there was one so I talked to him briefly and he was a lie....I saw through his bitcoin crap. I don't want to date people online. I want to date myself, love myself, take care of myself, and let God bring me my true beloved.
I thought it was Ryan. Fuck. But I don't want to be the person that says fuck. It's unintelligent. He thinks he's so smart, but all he does is put other people down and swear and smoke and sometimes he helps other people out. He has a good heart but it's buried under a pile of hurt that he refuses to address.
I can't hear him well when he's Hyde... I try but it's harder to hear through the pain body trickery.
Note that after that pattern app was on point, I checked my connections on there and there was one so I talked to him briefly and he was a lie....I saw through his bitcoin crap. I don't want to date people online. I want to date myself, love myself, take care of myself, and let God bring me my true beloved.
I thought it was Ryan. Fuck. But I don't want to be the person that says fuck. It's unintelligent. He thinks he's so smart, but all he does is put other people down and swear and smoke and sometimes he helps other people out. He has a good heart but it's buried under a pile of hurt that he refuses to address.
I can't hear him well when he's Hyde... I try but it's harder to hear through the pain body trickery.
Miracles are upon us. Just wait. You are so loved, Carissa.
Ryan not only doesn't like Nahko Bear, but he HATES him (because I like him. Paul was the same.)... this is what I need to look for...someone who resonates with Nahko. That would be a good measurement.
Just got 18:18 too... working this piece I guess.
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I just sit here hoping that he'll come over. I'm pathetic. I miss my best friend. :(
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It's the end. I just need to come to terms with it.
Stop hoping.
Stop daydreaming.
If he ever comes. Just be kind, but I need to let him go. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love himself and he does what I do where we punish other people because we feel bad inside of ourselves. He's got so much pain and trauma and until he faces that himself, he won't be good. Maybe he has to try on other girlfriends and relationships and figure it out... maybe he won't ever choose this path... but I HAVE chosen it and I want to heal and see and feel and BE LOVE. I want to do that with a partner. I want to learn how to love better...how to make love and give love and take love and all the things.... I need someone honest and willing to do the work. He has said that I don't do any of that, but that's gaslighting because the truth is that HE belittles and ridicules that kind of thing.
God bless and help him. Send angels. Send help. Send love. Send light and energy and power and healing to soothe my beloved's soul and open his mind and heart. And I know he may not be my earth beloved, but he is my soul beloved and I will always think that of him. I feel that. And I wanted to help him.
Stop hoping.
Stop daydreaming.
If he ever comes. Just be kind, but I need to let him go. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love himself and he does what I do where we punish other people because we feel bad inside of ourselves. He's got so much pain and trauma and until he faces that himself, he won't be good. Maybe he has to try on other girlfriends and relationships and figure it out... maybe he won't ever choose this path... but I HAVE chosen it and I want to heal and see and feel and BE LOVE. I want to do that with a partner. I want to learn how to love better...how to make love and give love and take love and all the things.... I need someone honest and willing to do the work. He has said that I don't do any of that, but that's gaslighting because the truth is that HE belittles and ridicules that kind of thing.
God bless and help him. Send angels. Send help. Send love. Send light and energy and power and healing to soothe my beloved's soul and open his mind and heart. And I know he may not be my earth beloved, but he is my soul beloved and I will always think that of him. I feel that. And I wanted to help him.
Part of the Problem - Nahko.... very much speaking to me about me and my situation... Good heart off to a bad start. What about all that shit I did for love, maybe it wasn't love....
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Another breakthrough and so many tears and snot... I see how broken I am and how I try so hard to earn love and it's misguided and not pure... I'm trying to GET. It's vampiric... trying to earn affection and committment.
"all these things take time" - needtobreathe's HANG ON. 2nd time today... this is the song that always told me to hang on to Ryan. But I need to hang on to myself. And find my own love for myself... my own happiness within. I can't get it from anyone else.
"all these things take time" - needtobreathe's HANG ON. 2nd time today... this is the song that always told me to hang on to Ryan. But I need to hang on to myself. And find my own love for myself... my own happiness within. I can't get it from anyone else.
I'm so sick. I blew my nose in case he came over. I keep hoping. I'm sick.
Some notes I emailed myself today:
10:39:
That Pattern App is freaky!
I mean, Ryan broke up with me right before midnight on the day this 9 month pattern ended.
Birthing myself - new experience and understanding and freedom from doctrine and perceptions that were snaring me.
I see more of my strengths. Have a new job and friends and hope for the future. I have a new home and my boys - doggie loves. Rue left me at the beginning of this cycle and Ryan helped with her exit and Sunny’s entrance.
Miracles!!
I mean, Ryan broke up with me right before midnight on the day this 9 month pattern ended.
Birthing myself - new experience and understanding and freedom from doctrine and perceptions that were snaring me.
I see more of my strengths. Have a new job and friends and hope for the future. I have a new home and my boys - doggie loves. Rue left me at the beginning of this cycle and Ryan helped with her exit and Sunny’s entrance.
Miracles!!
12:18:
It had to end like that.
Someday maaaaaay Ryan will see what he threw away.
I wasn’t resonant for him. He may be a “genetic equal”, but he is on his own timeline for “waking up”. I want to come back to myself- to love and crystals and trees and nature and meditation and healing and growth. This has been excellent practice and “dark arts training”.
Someday maaaaaay Ryan will see what he threw away.
I wasn’t resonant for him. He may be a “genetic equal”, but he is on his own timeline for “waking up”. I want to come back to myself- to love and crystals and trees and nature and meditation and healing and growth. This has been excellent practice and “dark arts training”.
2:37:
A cry about work. Crystal is gone. I'm tired. I've been going for a week straight. My heart is so sad. I lost my best friend. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend. He was who I looked forward to seeing every night. I wanted to share my life with him. He is so mean and sarcastic and jekyll and hyde. When he's nice he's the best, when he's mean, he's the worst.
I need to let him go. It's time for me to choose me. So feel the pain. Distract myself. Mourn the loss. And let him go.
This one is from 2 days ago... December 4th at 10:39am:
Football is more important than me. He’s resentful because I interrupted his football day. He had at least 5 days off (one of which he spent helping at my house- put in the sinks in my bathroom and strip on my counter. But he has had a lot of downtime. He is very poor with time management, accomplishing tasks, and has an ego the size of Texas. Sweats and blames everyone else. He thinks he’s so smart- and he is - but he is also not an open minded thinker. He asks Google or Siri to feed him answers. He can be charming but he doesn’t expend his energy on that for me anymore- he thinks he has me in the bag. He said the other day that he didn’t want to keep me from my friends but he heckles me about them. He is controlling and I know he’s trying to find his groove with masculinity and dominance but he’s quite mean with it now. He belittles and blames me. And I keep loving him. And I’m definitely learning and observing and growing. But it doesn’t appear to have a future. The abuse is getting old. And he lost my trust with the cheating. I see his character. Why did I not remember that he was so mad at me for a long time because I didn’t want to be a liar. And then he turned it around on me as though I were a liar. It was delusional BUT there is something to all of it. He sees layers below the surface- below the show. And I like that he calls me to feel and see it too.
I need to watch this every day:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/326363663472593
https://www.facebook.com/reel/326363663472593
On point. I'm trying to re-write the story of my neglectful parents and I keep choosing people that are bad for me.
God is getting me out of this one by making Ryan break up with me. It hurts like a bitch, but we are feeling it and choose not to hold onto the pain but to allow it to transmute into healing and love for my Cristy.
God is getting me out of this one by making Ryan break up with me. It hurts like a bitch, but we are feeling it and choose not to hold onto the pain but to allow it to transmute into healing and love for my Cristy.
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19:11 - so much of this lately. What does it mean?
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Note from the next day:
I saw 9:11 again this morning! And 5:55 just now. Healing NRG stuff.
I saw 9:11 again this morning! And 5:55 just now. Healing NRG stuff.
Ryan came over at 8 last night (when I was about to go to bed....and we talked and hung out until 11:30ish. It didn't seem like we made great progress but it seems like our souls love eachother... I could tell he missed me when he came in and we hugged... but then we started talking and everything got ego-y. It's our dang egos. Both of us.
But then I offered him a BJ and we had a faaaaantastic time. We left on good terms.
But then I offered him a BJ and we had a faaaaantastic time. We left on good terms.
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