Come back to ME

 I'm too tired to recount much but it seems like 2 relatively okay nights with Ryan. We probably fought yesterday and he probably yelled at me but we recovered and had a great night watching the Titans beat the Dolphins and ate dinner and I gave him THREE bjs!! Which was fun.

Tonight he came over to eat. He doesn't like to help or do the dishes. We sat on the couch afterwards and it was weird. I keep seeing blue light in my right eye/side .... tonight is the new moon in Saggitarius. Ryan went home early. I watched "Four Christmases", a rom-com with Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon.

I want to be happy and find my person...someone that WANTS to be with me and make a life with me. I don't want to be unsettled anymore. I don't want to always feel like I'm to blame for everything anymore. I like to learn and explore how to be better, but I want to do it in love. 

I haven't contacted Paul out of respect for Ryan but I felt really guilty. Corie also said that if I have to close myself off, it's probably not good. But there are lines... but I don't think Ryan really cares about me or wants the best for me. He just doesn't want me to talk to Paul and I don't need to but I felt bad, like I failed him. So tonight I called and I left a message and now I feel like I failed Ryan. Like I betrayed him and was going behind his back. I just want to be free to be me. And I don't see a future with Ryan. He's not the guy. Unless something radically changes in him (and that's not going to happen anytime soon), he's not the guy. He's closed, lazy, selfish, self-centered, dishonest, and abusive. He's also discerning, smart, and has tremendous potential. But he isn't choosing life. He isn't choosing health. And he certainly isn't choosing me. And I don't want the burden of trying to convince him. If it's not natural to him, then it is what it is.

I don't want the responsibility of feeding him anymore. Let him figure it out. 

I wrote this tonight:

So sparse. No affection from Ryan. He loves on the dogs but sits there holding his own hands together while I rub him and hold him and squeeze him.

It doesn’t feel good.

Time to let him go.

Move on.

Heal my own heart.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0txFXtOy5-/?igshid=N2ViNmM2MDRjNw== (on point IG reel)

Be with the uncomfortable feelings.

Set boundaries.

Choose other ways to spend my time.

He wouldn’t help with dishes. Eventually he cleaned the waffle maker after “joking” about not doing it.

He’s not partner material.

Stop wasting my heart.

I need to rip off the bandage. I thought I should wait until the 23rd. Give him a chance to figure it out. But that’s futile. He won’t choose me. And I don’t want him. He’s not motivated to create a nice life together. Today he said he hopes and plans to die well before retirement. He smokes and would love to do drugs. He’s a junkie and a liar and gaslighter and blamer and hurts me daily. Close up shop in your heart sweet girl.

__

Focus on loving myself. Exercise. Learn about makeup and hair. Buy new nice clothes for myself. Feel good and feel like a woman. 

Do what makes me feel good. He's not my best friend. He's the one that I have given myself and my time and my heart to, but he doesn't actually care about me. How long have I been asking him to check my oil? How long has he known I'm scared alone and scared of storms and did he check on me during that scary storm? Does he think of me? No. Only that I am a vex. I am needy. And he is resisty. 

God has sent Rosemary, Misha, and now Kiran from ES ...they are all witnessing my story and saying that I'm confused. 

I want to come back to the LIGHT. I DO want to merge my heart and mind IN LOVE. 

All the O'Malleys are egotists who think they are better than everyone else and who think I'm crazy, etc. I don't need that. I AM LOVE.