Options for Ryan and What I Want

I wrote this email today... I think it makes good points.

Could Ryan be someone who could meet my desires for a partner?

The way I see it, we have 3 options. Can you come up with more?

1. Go our separate ways and don’t talk other than friendly neighbors conversation. I am still friends with your parents so we will see each other. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide away from me when I am around. 

- note: I’m not a fan of that … feels like an  uncomfortable living environment. 

2. Remain besties. Share and talk and make plans to get together for game nights or meals when we have space in our lives to share time together. 

3. Romantic relationship. Continue to keep chipping away at our own dysfunctional behaviors in order to attain love, peace and joy together as a couple.

Important to me:

That we learn to respect, trust, and communicate effectively.

Traits I am looking for in a partner -

- Animal & Nature Lover - wants to spend time with/in both.

- Likes adventure/exploration 

- Wants to share life with their person when they find them (respecting that the processes of discovery takes time).

- Open-minded, interested in learning new things - likes to read, teachable, open to hearing my perspective and sharing theirs, knowing that everything changes and it’s the sharing of knowledge, experience, and ideas that spurs deeper understanding and inspires insight that ultimately drives one’s ever-changing perspectives.

- Forgiving and flexible - knowing that humans make mistakes which fuels growth. Working through challenges makes us stronger.

- Compassionate. Feeling the soft squishiness of humanity and recognizing that people aren’t perfect. (Also, one person’s perfect is different from another’s.)

- Fun, likes to laugh, play, work, explore, snuggle, make love, watch movies, watch sports games, watch documentaries, talk an and dream about the things we learn, etc.

- Trustworthy, honest, kind

I asked him to consider what he wanted and write them down. I wonder if he'll do it. 

Do we think the worst of each other?

I also wrote this note to Paul that I was going to run past Ryan for his thoughts.

Thinking of writing this to Paul

Dear Paul, You've been on my heart and mind all week, of course. I am worried about you and hope that you have found someone to talk to. I sincerely care about you and pray for your healing (body, mind, and soul). Please don't forget that God hears you and responds. I remember how you reached out to God for the first time in a while when your car broke down and God sent Ryan to help you. Michael sent this short and moving clip the other day... another example.

God is love. Satan is not. Choose love.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I imagine it felt bad to need a friend and I trust you can feel my heart and know that I care about you, so it was probably confusing how I asked you to pay what you owe me. (Of course, if we are honest, you probably owe me more, considering the large investment I made in you to bring you and your belongings from Alaska and Oklahoma. But I chalk that up to experience. The items of mine that you kept when you moved out, I have also replaced or let go of as well. But in your heart of hearts, I know you know that you did me wrong.) That said, I STILL keep giving... even after you moved out, leaving me to pay your July rent, I still tried to show you love and was there for you when you were struggling (i.e. bought you food, let you use my laundry machine, offered to help with Manson, etc.). 

Ryan has seen this pattern and has been frustrated that I keep giving and giving to my ex-boyfriend who has been taking and taking from the getgo. I know you have excuses/reasons for why you feel justified in that, but all that aside, the truth is the truth. 

Ryan helped you with your car, twice. You hardly acknowledged it. You wouldn't let him come to our apartment, so for 3-4 months, I was paying for rent and not able to LIVE there. I could come and go, but I put your feelings first. And I understand that this is the fallout from a broken relationship. I hate that our relationship broke. I tried so dang hard and it wasn't enough. You were waiting for me to meet your expectations of servitude, humility, and honor without doing the personal work to earn or reciprocate that. 

I digress. So I wanted to let you know that the reason I put that out there (for you to pay me what you owe), was because again, you were wanting something from me (my care and concern and ear) and I, as always, would willingly give it. But when I told Ryan about it, he wanted to protect me - he sees how I keep giving myself to you and you keep taking. He thinks I am ridiculous and I guess I am...but I DO care about you!

Anyway, he suggested I say that and it DID end up showing me your heart. You have been rolling in money and you know that I'm over my head and in debt and you didn't choose to do the right thing to indemnify me. (I honestly expected you to drop a big chunk of change to help me out considering how generous I was with you... but you won't even pay what you literally owe.)

I should just let it go... I see your heart... but I also SEE YOUR HEART and want to help you identify this selfish, entitled, and ungrateful behavior so that you can ask God to show you the truth (whatever it is...heck, I could be wrong!) But if you are sick, then maybe something is out of whack in your body, mind, or soul, and identifying and releasing it may be the best medicine.

So that's it. 

Also, do you think the carnivore diet caused the issue? I got back on it a couple weeks ago but if it made you sick, I would like to know so I don't take the same road. It's confusing because last time I saw you when you bought your car, you looked better than you have as long as I've known you. 

Thanks for taking the time to listen.

I am praying for you.

Love,

Carissa

I love my work team... so kind and interesting. Today I learned that Kaena's dad killed himself - shot himself - last summer. And a bunch of us, including Bryant, were talking about guns.

They harvested the soybeans today!! There is the biggest combine I've ever seen sitting outside!!!

____

Yeah, Ryan sent me a note at lunch with an orange heart. It's over. He doesn't love me.
And I don't know why I keep resisting it. 
Right now it's 6:14 and I haven't heard from him and I'm worried and he knew it and he said he'd call me right back and I said he didn't have to and he actually DIDN'T. But if he knew that I was worried and wrote him all these messages and had all these questions, why didn't he? And I don't trust him. Maybe he called his Aunt Ronnie, but maybe he's talking to one of these girls that he's been farming the interwebs for? He's charming when he wants to be and he plays the game... but I have to remember that he's got to go through his process in order to do what he wants to do (soulwise) and maybe Misha is right, that losing me is the lesson. How many years will it take? And does it make a difference if he decides or I do? But how can I trust him? He has told me he isn't attracted to me, doesn't love me, and that it won't work between us. Why don't I take that at face value?

I need to not be so needy. I need to let go. My desire for him makes him push me away. 

____

Okay, false alarm. He was just working late. 

See how I get worked up?