Choose me

Choose ME.
I'm done with Ryan's mood swings.
I'm done with being taken for granted.
I'm done being talked down to.
I'm done being spoken to with vitriol and toxicity.
I'm done trying to earn his love....affection...attention.

I AM doing what I did as a child, the way I tried to earn my parents' love, attention, affection. It didn't work then and it won't work now. I am the one who will give me my love, attention, and affection. And I'd like a NICE...KIND... person to want to "do life" with... that we can mutually support and uplift each other. That we can both put effort and care into supporting the other. 

Bryant and Marshall both said how lucky Ryan was to have me and he kinda shrugged. He doesn't know. He doesn't care. I got all dolled up... including heels (sexy boots) for tonight and he wouldn't even give me a "you look great!"! Nothing. I tried to drag it out of him "don't I look fun? or nice?" something... but his M.O. is to withhold affection. That was mine before too... I wouldn't give it to anyone else... it's a symptom of a closed heart. God, please open his heart. But he won't do it during this relationship. He's on the path and I trust God will have his way... but I need to prioritize ME.

I didn't want to feel the pain of losing Ryan and I jumped on the biwave and was so excited that we'd make it work... but I have given him every drop of myself in these past five days and he can still treat me like he did today. HOURS of being so rude and cold ...especially on the way to and from Mike's Farm.

I was so excited about the prospect of a romantic christmas light hayride...but he scowled at me the whole time. I kept trying to hold his hand and sit close to him and he tolerated but didn't return it.

His smoking is more important to him than me or my feelings or others' feelings. He is so selfish. He doesn't want me to give any more to Paul, and I appreciate him looking out for me, but HE takes a hell of a lot more... he takes my heart and crushes it all. the. time. When he's in his pain body, he doesn't care.

He's ruled by his ego. 
I want to get better and attract a loving and supportive partner. 
No, I don't need him. I wanted him. But I have GOT to get off this rollercoaster.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?si=SY_uz8_omWdi0rjj&v=tqOHiDKPxe0&feature=youtu.be

I choose you, Carissa.

___

The other day he told me to lose his number and that he was going to delete Telegram. He hasn't been writing to me much on it... if I write to him, he'll call me. So he's probably going to delete it and I'll lose all our conversation and photos and stuff... I copied it through August it looks like. I'll try to get the rest...of course it's just text... not all the pics and videos and documents and links... oh well.  He's mean if he does it, but if he does, it's just what the Universe ordains.