Ryan is NOT well. Narcissist doesn't touch it.
Tonight he lost his cool and went off the ledge insulting me in every way and angle he could as we were talking about "reality". I have no idea what his angle was (other than to try to "prove me wrong") when I wasn't trying to oppose him. Only trying to add that everyone has different perceptions and I find it interesting to see how the programming they take in skews their perception of reality.
He is always just trying to call everyone crazy and stupid, except for himself (and his mom) who are apparently the only smart ones in the world.
He expends so much energy creating webs of confusion to try to trap me and insult me and my choices and perceptions. He insults everything I do and the people I love. Jannelle, Michael, everyone...
God, you see. I pray that you see and show him if it's Thy will, and in DRT.
I'm tired.
____
pss. I like me. And I have great co-workers. Especially Jennifer. And I do think Ryan has the potential to have great, open-minded conversations. His ego is just out of control. And mine too. The way I was trying to be understood ... to convince him of something... no need. But isn't that the fun and point of friendship and conversation?? I AM a consciousness explorer and I'm glad to be continuing to learn. I'm more into human behavior, emotion, feeling, and how it plays out in "reality". Ryan is more interested in facts and labels and trivia, which is neat and I respect it a lot.
psss. I found out Mr. Casey is in hospice today. :( I went over there and sat with him, Josh, and Barbie for a little less than an hour.
I'm glad to be back on the forum.
And I think that God will take this Ryan relationship... that meme that I saw yesterday with Jesus bending down to a child asking her to give him her teddy bear and to trust him and he had a bigger teddy bear behind his back to give to her spoke to me.
I do fear that I'm getting lots of my inspiration from memes and instagram videos which is a form of programming too. I'm back reading Ascension Glossary and forum posts and others stuff... popping back through to that. And Ryan would not approve. Is it true, God, that I believe everything I read? I don't think so... but maybe I give it more power than I should? I don't know. I don't think I "believe" much... or don't HOLD to it as a "belief"... maybe a temporary holding place for a belief but not something solid. I'm learning.
But obviously Ryan is a mirror. I saw another meme about that and feel it's so true.
Grateful for the experience. Grateful for my jobs. Grateful for my family and friends and interests and dogs and horse and chickens and home and bed and shower and washer and all the love that surrounds me. Grateful for what's now and what's next. I was going to try to find an acupuncturist for Ryan but he's got to take responsibility for himself. And he is going to have to take responsibility for his diet and cooking too. I can't do it for him and I need to do it for me. And I'm trying to earn his love by helping him and I want someone who wants to be with me...
Ryan might have compatible architecture, but the timing doesn't seem right. But maybe it's right and these are my lessons. God will show me what to do and when. Right now I need to do my best to watch with eyes and heart open... to learn and be a compassionate witness. I need to start praying for him and doing more meditations and clearings for me.
Tomorrow is the winter solstice, thanks be to God! The longest day in the dark. And I'm going to sleep in. And see Jannelle and do a winter solstice mediation, God-willing. We'll see. It's Hazel's birthday too. My sister-niece.
Note, I saw 9:11 tonight...twice... once on the fast clock and once on the slow... definitely felt like a message.
... Well well well, Ryan just called at 11pm and apologized for getting heated and losing his cool. I accepted his apology and we said we loved each other and good nights. He wanted to get it off his chest tonight... that was growth and huge and I'm grateful to get to play this role and learn and hold space, even if he would make fun of me for saying it. (He heckles me about using "buzz words" which are really just words that I have grown to enjoy as labels for my ever-changing understanding and experience... i.e. consciousness explorer. It's fine. He doesn't need to be on that page with me.)
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