Baack Together

I couldn't hold it for more than a half day. I longed for him and hatched a plan to piggy back off my "make photos of us" plan and while I was picking them up, I got some frames for him too and put a beautiful collage together and went over to remind him of how happy we were. He was hurt and upset that I broke up with him and we decided to "get back together". Trauma bond anyone? We had an amazing date at Low and Slow - felt like the Universe smiled on us with the wonderful food, service, and company. He only lashed out at me once for talking to the server too long when he was trying to sit down. We spent the night at his house. (Of course I have to take care of all my animals and life and then go and take care of his home and making us cozy. He just lives his life, I try to fit into and make his life better while also upholding my responsibilities.) How come he doesn't rub me much. How come it's up to me to rub his cock and back and if I ask, he will sometimes give me a shoulder rub or whatever, but I don't ask much. Tonight we were waiting to go to his Dads and I remembered to call Corie for her birthday and in the call made it known I was with Ryan and talked about "Mark Twaining" and he wished her a happy birthday. Afterwards he blew up at me about how I was so rude to invite him in and I tried to explain that I thought I was being kind and he said I was deflecting because I was WRONG to do that and I was making excuses and that I never take responsibility even though I WAS because I said "now that I know that, I won't do it again because I care about how you feel", but he cut me off to say that I should have already known and that he told me that a long time ago... anyway...his point was he wanted to make me BAD and WRONG. He seemed to have shift earlier than that too when we were beginning to eat... he just wanted to blame me and ... yeah. Hyde just came to the forefront. 

So, I don't need to break up with him, but I do need to take space. Remember how he treats me. Learn to walk away. Learn to ask questions. Continue to take responsibility for hurting or upsetting him. (I tried in this case too. "I'm sorry that I embarassed you"... etc.) When he gets like that, there's just no reasoning with him. 

He's not conscious or willing to learn and grow. His soul needs to decide that and it hasn't... it does for a minute but then backs out.

I want someone mature who can admit that they have to work on things too... that we can have safe conversations about how we might hurt one another and our goal is to NOT hurt eachother. Not make excuses about it. He said I'm sensitive about him calling me names like Bitch and stuff... much worse than that too... but you don't talk that way to someone you love. He wouldn't talk that way to Munkey. That's a good measuring stick. Munkey is someone he loves, respects, and cherishes. I am not. 

Okay, the Bills are playing. I want to go watch them. At Jim's with Ryan.

____

And then we were good. The Bills played great and it was good. I got in trouble for saying that he keeps his house at 85. And something else... he's just always on me. But we had a nice dinner (except I think I said something wrong) and then a very good sexual experience. I like sex with him a lot. I think our physical connection is great. I wish he'd be more kind and open to a fair and open and fun emotional ane mental connection... but we're not on the same wavelength usually. 

We'll see what's right... but I know I sure do like him - even the abuse. Which is terrible. But it's interesting to me. Addictive, I'm guessing. 

I have to be at work at 6:30 so I need to go towards bed. MUAH!