Conversation in my head

Here's some of the fantasy conversation in my head that I'm having with Matt:

When you said “I moved to Greenville to marry someone.” I felt/understood a big pot of pain associated with that and because I was chicken (or because I didn’t know you or because we were at work), I brushed it under the rug and gave you a big “Congratulations!” and you played along, “thanks”! 

I have been thinking about you every day since. Oh, I guess it’s less than a week, so hopefully this will all go away, but for now, it’s pretty intense. You have a powerful field and we have a powerful connection. I just realized that you are spotted too… just like all my favorite things. You are funny, kind, smart, and lovely. I wish I could get to know you. 

I am attracted to you. You may not be attracted to me because I am wearing my fat suit. But I’m going to rectify that in November…starting today, actually. 

You are beautiful. I felt good and whole when I was next to you. I felt that you resisted me. I was so happy when you came to lunch and then when the only open seat was next to me. I loved that we got to work together and when we would hand each other sweet potatoes… I loved working alongside you. I just loved being near you. 

If you’re not the guy - which you might not be because you are married, then I hope for a guy like you. 

I really like him. 
I like Ryan too but he's mean to me. Very confusing. And without the physical bonding, it is unraveling my loyalty and hope for Ryan. In some ways he is nice. He cleared the code on my car last night so I can get in inspected. We had a lovely date in Wendell and he came to surprise me at the Bentonville Battleground and stuck around to help clean up and help me unload at the office. 

But he takes every opportunity to heckle me and tear me down. He takes personal offense when I share my inner work with him. He is too immature and self-centered to hold space for me. 

So. I want to get ready for my true partner. I'm not ready yet. I need to get solid with myself and then the real guy will show up. Like Matt, walking over in a random field of sweet potatoes an hour and a half away. It could happen anywhere at any time. Will I be ready?

____

3:24... after Ryan. Man. I just love that guy and am friendly and kind and he just turns on me like a banshee... just sniffs out any crack to start chipping away at. I was in tears within an hour or so of his presence... I just don't need that. I want peace. I am kind and loving and giving and funny and sweet and I want to be with someone who gets and appreciates me. Ryan is not worth the stress. I appreciate that he can fix things and that we have good conversations sometimes....but his constant belittling and ego games and then turning it around on me. No thank you. That's what I did to Tyrone. No wonder he's done with me. 

___

saw 3:33 and stalked Matt a little more. He's young. (too. Born in 1979...same as Ryan. Strange. His DOB is 10/18/79)

Yeah.... okay... glad to have looked at this. It burst my bubble. I was being ... I can't think of the word... but rose colored glasses... silly. I'm glad it popped. 

I guess if Ryan were kinder and gentler and working on himself, we would be a good match. Heck, we ARE a GREAT match when he's not in one of his moods/headspaces. But he looks at me through enemy patterned eyes. And he's not willing to consider layers outside this plane. Today he said there are no other dimensions. Whatever. He knows he thinks there is. But he won't admit it. God's got someone for me. But the first and most important one is GOD and ME.... get right with these first.

Oh Ryan

Gah, Ryan is so complicated! I feel a deep kinship with him. I love him. I don't know if he's decided to love me in truth yet...like he loves Munkie. I think he's still on the fence and will decide by the end of the year (December 23). We are both in these periods of transition. Maybe we are just friends and catalysts for our next phase. Feels like I should be with someone who is committed to me and similar to me in some ways... I mean, The Pattern pegs us as 74% similar and I think we are, at least the way we think. But he...ah, we both...are rebellious. And he ... we both... resist things that rub us the wrong way... we are both controlling. Can Ryan put up with me? In a way, he does. But it is also a call to me to be less controlling ... to practice giving up control and letting him lead. Right now we are just friends (but we're not)... it's all semantics. I don't know what's in the future... I wish it were Ryan, but a version of him that was more solid... like has goals and motivation and likes people and quits smoking and chooses health.

What about me? Is my version online that chooses health (or does she choose the cookie)? Is she motivated and strong? Does she take good care of her property or is she a slob? Does she take care of her body? Is she good at time and money management or does she have opportunity to improve? Does she make excuses outside of herself for why things are the way they are or does she take ownership and bravely feel and allow and witness and walk through hard things (like bodily pain/upgrades, etc.)? 

But I do like the kind of person who likes to be woo woo with me. This brings me back to Matt who I need to put down but I just have a feeling...and it's either because he reminds me of Ryan (in stature and look and maybe energetic architecture) or maybe there really is something there. But even that first day when I met him, I felt a kinship... and I could say on some level that I felt that this was the man I was supposed to marry/be with. I felt that same feeling of just wanting to be next to him. Again, it may have been a mirror of Ryan, but I don't think so. I felt like our souls were having telepathic communication. I read through to (perhaps just a story) that he and his wife whom he moved to Greenville for were over (or having problems... and if it's problems, then I need to let that go...because people can work through their problems.)... but... yeah... dang. He's a co-worker, lives an hour away, and IS MARRIED! (But not wearing a ring...anymore... which I think I told you about.) But it just felt like a divine meeting... like this was the one. I love his face and skin and especially eyes and all of him. I don't know him at all. I just feel like I feel him.

I wrote him an email and today, 3 days later, he responded with a kind but closed-end response. So I also have to realize this might be like a Jonathan from The Hartford experience where I'm delusional and being used as a dark portal to break up a marriage... "Alien Love Bite". So... I have to (and want to) let it all go to the Universe... blow it like a dandelion... God's will be done. Be thankful for the interaction and trust that everything will work out as it should. 

Stop being controlling and obsessive, lol. Not funny.

The fact that I dreamed of him all night that night after was something - maybe we were gridwork for each other and we swapped the sweet potato codes that we needed to. 

I just need to be present with myself, love myself, do the best I can. And that's all. 

I sent Matt three emojis back... the little hug/happy/cheery guy with the hands, a tree, and a shooting star. I hope he got the message. God, please bless my soul brother, Matt. May he be happy, may he be healthy, may he be strong, may he have peace. (And joy and love and abundance and all the good things in life!)

Maybe he cheated on his wife to marry the new girl, maybe there's terrible things that have made him feel bad. I don't feel that... if anything I feel like she might have chosen to leave him. Or maybe she died, God forbid. His first wife. His current wife looks young and happy (possibly tortured like me...like many humans, people pleasing and trying to do the best we can). 

I need to work all that out inside myself so I can be a good partner to whoever God has for me. It's unlikely that it's Matt. Could be Ryan, but also starting to feel like it's unlikely. But he's making strides in his life... and he's good to me too... today he's going to fix the window regulator on my car. And yesterday he talked about maybe getting his tax situation sorted out so he can start his own business. And he is talking about paying more attention to his body and wanting to exercise. I don't know... just seems like he is definitely on an upward trajectory. Am I? Job, home, etc....health... if I could just "eat to live" and do the steak thing, I think I'd be good. Be like a doggie... just the same thing every day, but I would have LIFE and health and feel good and find joy in other ways?

We'll see. 

____

OH YEAH- a HUGE development was that Ryan let me drive his car yesterday!! This was BIG.
He also addressed why we don't have much sex... because he's not feeling very sexy and I'm not looking very sexy either. So...it is what it is. But... I got to lay with him a little on his chair which was nice.

Weird that he still doesn't have space for both of us to sit... but I guess that's a quirk. It definitely is. 

But he let me drive his car!!!

Feel it all

I AM ENOUGH:
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=PzkxFJMemNQ

Thank you God, for seeing me. Thank you for Nahko's music which helps me see and feel and heal. Thank you for today where I get to be with me and love and feel me. Thank you for not letting Moses kill our chicken. Thank you for my heart. I am beautiful and I love me. I can support Lisa's work and Ayla's work. I need to do my own though. Should I hang up ES? Maybe. I don't know yet. Have I given power to shielding? What kind of life am I creating? I'm sad. I'm blessed. Thank you for the tears I am with me. Thank you God. Feel it all. 

Dee - Indian food lunch, delicous - Tandori Trail.

FIRE - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhuwIZLABqA

I joined Ayla's container, Living Song. I paid for it and I feel like this is the one to invest in some... we'll see where it goes. I'm on the fence about a break from ESF...we'll see. I don't use it much, but I do sometimes and I do like it. The energy there is spikier. I think even though it is so much about ego clearing, I think the structure has ego built into it. Ayla's feels more pure. But I might need them both, or neither. We'll see.

My answer to:

WELCOME to The Living Song! Where are you from? What inspires you in your life? What brought you here? What new form are you ready to step into?

Thank you! Honored to be here and participate! I'm from Selma, North Carolina, on the east coast of the US. I'm inspired by YOU, beautiful songbirds and life-dancers and dream weavers! Music moves me - I'm a worshipper of Life, trying to find my Way and live in alignment to Truth. 💗 I am here to come back to feeling. I have been looking outside of myself for answers, context, direction and I'm ready to peel back another layer on how to look and feel inward, to use my vessel, my earth-antenna, to interact with this plane of experience. To align with and embody my God-self/Higher-self and then merge in unity with our shared destiny, beloved brothers and sisters. I came to work together with all of you to repair and restore the organic blueprint/natural flow of our earth vessel (collectively/macrocosm) as well as my own (including ancestral and family lines/microcosm). In my experience, groping around trying to find my way, it seems like sound and light are some of the tools we use to access additional layers of consciousness. Seems like intention should be in there too, but that might be a different form. I'm losing coherence, ha! Okay... I'm here to practice, witness, experience, and grow. And I'm ready to integrate the polarities necessary to alchemize my form into One filled with light, acceptance, purity, truth, and be a Force of Love and catalyst for others to see themselves as they ARE (MAGNIFICENT!!)! 💗

I feel it's a little manipulated... but let me see if we can walk it out. Let's watch and see and feel ourself, sweet Carissa. Who are you??

I AM!

Next question, which I answered first:

WELCOME to our exploration of Fire. What does this element represent for you? What are you hoping to learn from it? Share below...

First I think of fire as the catalyst that boils the dross to the top of the cauldron to be scraped away. Fire heats up and opens new pathways. Fire causes expansion. Fire culls that which is ready to transition to ash to blow away in the wind.

I loved and continue to love and resonate with Ayla's "Fire" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7Wr0f8E_wc)... it brings me to tears still... feels like I've been in the fire for a long season. I need to let go and  let it burn ....cull... heat... transform...transition....me to the me on the other side.

ps. This music and container and all you beautiful and brave and wise souls are such gifts. Thank you for being here. Thank you for allowing me to share space with you. I'm filled with inspiration, awe, and gratitude.

So that's it.

____

4:24 - some songs are making me think I need to hang on to Ryan. This is something outside of myself. But inside of myself too... I just love him and feel like we are good together. He just hurts me so much. "Hard Love" - Needtobreathe and "Part Problem" Nahko. "Enough" is really touching me ... always...  but "hard love lyrics are on point"... let me get them.

Trading punches with the heart of darkness

Going to blows with your fear incarnate

Never gone until it's stripped away

A part of you has gotta die to change

In the morning you gon' need an answer

Ain't nobody gonna change the standard

It's not enough to just feel the flame

You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

I know the situation can't be right

And all you ever do is fight

But there's a reason that the road is long

It take some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down

I will face them off and stand my ground

Cuz there's a fire burnin' in me

They will see my strength in this love I found

Oh

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

It's a hard love

Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)

Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)

Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)

Cuz it's a hard love

Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)

Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)

Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)

Cuz it's a hard, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

(Cuz it's a hard love)

Either way, I need to practice self-care, boundaries, and be my own lover and best friend. I can choose Ryan as icing, but I AM the cake. 

_____

11:02 - such a nice evening with Ryan. We went to the "Ghost Walk" at the graveyard in Smithfield, put on by the Heritage Center. We walked through at night and listened to 5 stories from 5 people who lived in Johnston County in history - a nurse, a musician, military man, society woman, and a guy who fought against the KKK. We went in an old house too....and Ryan bought me a hot chocolate. He also bought us dinner at Chipoltle and we went back to his house and watched the Bills and ate and snuggled. It was such a loving and great time! I can't help it - I just love him!! And in the times like this when he is softer and more open, I think some light gets in to help him see differently. 

He doesn't want to have sex because we are both feeling and looking quite fat. I'm 178, he's 216. He's not attracted to plump girls either. So we'll see. z

Did I tell you I took Dee to ... I did... Indian lunch. And my tummy is still sore from all this food. I need to get in shape. I had a chest pain when I was walking with the dogs on the Greenway...so lovely... fall foliage and smell and it was getting to be dusk...really lovely. Felt so much better than walking on Firetower Road with all the cars. 

I need some Pepcid and bed. Oh, and a shower! Shoot!

No More Stalking

I'm just documenting this because it feels important. Maybe just to see my state of mind, but maybe for a future event. I dreamt about/with Matt much of last night and today I was a psycho stalker - looked him up on Facebook. Looks like he does have an adorable wife

I just had a Sirius Joy affirmation pop through:n

"I Feel My Heart Today, and I Protect My Self-Love"

... anyway... he does appear to have a wife... there are photos but not the declaration of relationship status. I just feel like something is off. I feel connected to him, like we had a telepathic connection. But I could also be nutty or at least dealing with another timeline that is not the one that we are on. He feels like he could be my guy... but he's not, so let's work with that... what do I like about him? 

His eyes, his countenance, his hair, his skin, his career - horticulture agent and cooperative extension, his humor, he's a Libra too... DOB 10/18, his FB profile photo and cover photo especially of the cool root structure of an amazing tree...the profile is a tractor which is cool, 

I need to get back to truth. (Another Sirius Joy prompt: " 40 Days of My Truth + Purpose continues with exploring the placement of the Sun in the natal astrology chart. Where does YOUR heart shine?"

So weird that I got two of those in a row... I was thinking on the way in that I need to learn to drill down and find a way to access the TRUTH. I live on a layer where I am focused outward, especially on pleasing and meeting the needs of others (probably so they like me and/or so I feel safe). I look to others to explain what is happening... for context...it's just as bad as looking to the preacher to spoonfeed me the "Word of God". How can I learn to go inward? To find it within myself? To hear my body.

...just paused for another mini-stalk of Matt... to see if he wears a wedding ring usually. Maybe just not when pulling sweet potatoes? So I deduced that he was married before (I know he has at least 2 kids... 17 yr old girl and 19 yr old boy... maybe 22 yr old boy?))...looks like that might have fallen apart in 2018 ... he had a ring on then too? And then he had a ring on again in 2022 so I'm guessing that was his new wife, Michelle. She's cute. But I don't know... it's like it doesn't scratch the depths of his consciousness...I think he's a deep and powerful being (imagine that - me being drawn to someone like that?) and like that was just surface....because she, like me, is maybe still living on the surface, looking for life outside of herself. This is the narrative I've got working. 

No, there's nothing I can do. I have to let God and Matt lead. 
And what about Ryan? 

As I was stalking Matt's page for the second time, I got a Telegram kiss from Ryan in response to my audio message I left earlier. And just now I got The Pattern's "Relationship" notification that says "Rare & Exceptional: You and Ryan truly bring out the best in each other. This is one of the most rare and progressive connections you can have with someone."

I just feel that Ryan isn't interested in me anymore and I'm maybe not as interested in him. We don't fan the flames....they are hardly smoldering anymore. We don't have sex or sleep together and when we do, it's me giving to him. He's had multiple bj's lately and I've not had anything (except fantastic love making with myself). I am, I guess, in a period of loving myself and that's a good thing. I did the sun saltuation this morning and need to come back to my own body. This is where I am. If I want to attract a partner, I need to get back in touch with myself. 

I need to feel my yesses and nos...I need to feel my inner compass... I need to listen to it. Right now I completely ignore it. I do what some level of my mind or addictions want me to do, not my body, my God-antannae. The mind has so many trauma-created holes in its aura so many decieving spirits can get in and mess with me. But my heart and body can lead me if I learn to listen. 

I need to listen to what it wants to eat. What it wants to do. If it wants to go to the bathroom or be quiet or walk or have a sweater or sleep. I need to put me first... my body. My love. Me. 

ps. Yesterday saw 11:11, 12:12, 12:13, 1:44 (well it was 13:44) in the field. I woke up and saw 1:11 in the night too. I also saw 444 on a license plate and 44444444 (when Matt zeroed the scale at one point) yesterday. 

_____

9:52 after a night with Ryan... taking his laundry to the laundrymat, going to Walmart and out to eat at La Cocina. A feast. I paid. Talked to him about us... "what are we?" "friends? friends with benefits?" He said benefits are nice. He said he gave up on trying to please me months ago. Of course he did, he was so selfish. He said since I didn't come during the 5-hour love-fest that I'm a lost cause. I told him that I loved every minute of that. But the truth is, he doesn't want to give to me. He takes sexually. And I need to stop giving. If he isn't going to be a fair partner, then I need to let it go. I asked if we could see other people too and he said it didn't feel good at first, but to do what I wanted. 

Talked to Jeff today - he drunk himself into another pancreitis. He said I should be friends with benefits and have sex with anyone I want to - to sew my wild oats. I don't really want that. I just need to learn to love and listen to myself. I didn't listen to my stomach tonight - I ate too much including dessert which I didn't need. Ryan and I are both super fat. Forget Ryan. Do me. I need to just cut him loose. Stop hoping to see him and spend time with him. I'm mad at him. He's selfish and I need to move on. 

Also, the exchange with Matt was not okay... I sent him an email about the Pattern App. It was unprofessional and I was coming on to him and it's not okay. I touched his hands when we were swapping sweet potatoes yesterday and it was not okay. I am a predator and it's not okay. I'm a girl, I'm supposed to have people chasing me, not the other way around. I'm broken. Come in to me...come back to me. Love me. That's all. Be here now. Hurt and all. Feel it. Ryan wants to hurt me... he just digs at me and resists my wisdom and goodness. Today I said again "I'm nice"... like I have to prove something to him. I gave him credit for helping me to see that I need to look inside instead of outside and for my willingness to put all the dogma away and just try to sit with what is. 

He's not my guy. He was a catalyst to bring me to this next space, but my guy loves me... LIKES me... wants me and wants to take care of me. Ryan doesn't take care of himself, let alone me. He IS a "dirty smoker" and he is careless about his life... doesn't pay his bills on time, gets his license taken away, hasn't paid taxes in many years and has a huge balance... IS working toward figuring out what he wants to do for a job... but it's slow going and not good enough for me. I'm better than that. I am smart, kind, and have so much love to give to someone who wants to share in it with me. 

Time to stop squandering it... wasting it...throwing it to the wolves. Use it to fortify and strengthen myself so that I can be reborn into my next chapter. Thank you God. 

Ryan's rebellion is unreal.

His pride is unreal.
His selfishness is unreal.

He's a mirror? Yes. Ugh. 

It's 23:13 and I saw BOTH 11:11's today.

Sweet Potatoes

Today I got to help Seth at a sweet potato trial in Snow Hill. 
I really liked a man named Matt - he reminded me of Ryan, physically. 
A dust devil came to the field and I saw it ... the mini-tornado... and it came over and swirled around us. 

Ryan didn't come to see me today.
I wanted to see him.
I want to be held by him.
I want to be near him.

LET HIM GO.

Bean says it too... I don't have to wait while he gets his life together. 

I think that it's interesting that I could be attracted to someone else (Matt) today... but it's also interesting that it's because he reminded me of Ryan in stature. But he was nice. He had beautiful eyes too. But he has a wife and kids. What was weird was that he said he "moved to Greenville to marry somebody"... he didn't say "my wife"... it made me think that it wasn't working out. But later he said something about his wife. He wasn't wearing a ring but many don't. I need to just love myself and fill myself and be enough for myself. And that's it. 

I want to cry. It hurts me so much ... I feel rejection. But the truth is that I didn't want to go either. 

Just called him to cheer him for honoring his boundaries. 
And now I need to love myself. And go to bed. Maybe read or practice some self love.

Listened to a number of Kelly Brogan podcasts today which were on point. Thank you God.

Interesting that Paul is interested and aligned with David Icke... enjoying one of his books. I don't think that's the narrative that I'm interested in anymore though. The "victim" of the loosh-sucking negative aliens... I just don't want to see earth that way. I want to see it as a flower that can be opened through our conscious love and unity. 

And I want to choose ME. Love myself and don't listen to Ryan's ill-thoughts of me. I love myself. And God loves me and WE ARE love. And I'll focus on that. 

Cleanse

I have to cleanse my heart and mind of him. I have to let him go. I keep thinking of him and fantasizing about being with him... just being near him...just being together.

____

Grateful that I got to spend some time with Ryan... talking.... I just like being with him and near him. He is so beautiful when he's humble. He said he lied about being "damaged goods" because it's so much worse than that. But he also holds to his ego too. We are making strides. I think we are going to try to be friends. It's hard not to see him as my lover. But we'll see. I can't see straight right now because I'm in a sugar and food coma. In the last hour I've had an indian dessert, an ice cream cone from Celtic Creamery (so rich) AND a heath bar cookie. It started because I ate some of those crack pecans we got at the peanut factory place.... and it set me on a bender. And I want to stop. I feel so much better when I just eat meat. Why do I do this to myself? 

BUT the meal/dinner at the new Tandori Trail Indian restaurant downtown was fantastic!! I took Michael for his birthday dinner and it was a lovely and tasty experience!

I need to reel it in. Choose me. Feel what I've done to myself. 

Last night I had sex with myself and it felt really good and that is the way to pleasure myself... not through food. This isn't the way anymore. We're ready to move on. Ready to let food-as-a-drug go. It has no hold on me. 

I DID go to the gym today which was good. And walked the dogs. (Until Ryan came home.) 

I'll unpack Ryan more later when my brain is working. Tomorrow I get to go help dig sweet potatoes!

Broke up

I broke up with Ryan. I said I wanted to be friends but I didn't want to be his girlfriend. I think he heard me because he came out and screamed about me being a victim, but he had kicked and locked me out so I had to say it to his glass door. I do think he heard me. 

This after I went over there to hug him and be kind... but he launched into his fit and blame game where he was just throwing insult after insult at me... calling me all the names - psycho, bitch...oh man, I really don't remember but I'm glad for the part of the "conversation" where I was repeating what he said to me... I said "it's okay...just call me _____ and _____ ..." and he'd launch another one and I'd repeat that. It was interesting. Anyway, I'm ready. We had two fantastic days of adventure, laughter, and love. I gave him the gift of a road bj which he'd always wanted and I know that I was good to him and loved him.

He was trying to get me to "admit" to some "real" (f-d up) reason behind my question to him yesterday if he loved his car more than me. And I think, truly, there was a sense of trying to see the truth. I struggle with that... I think I needed to hear that he does... and today when he said it... "of course I f-n love my car more than you!"... it hurt and I cried inside and that's what I needed to hear out loud. He doesn't love me... but I know that. And I see how I keep HOPING and how silly I am for doing so... and yesterday that SirusJoy app wanted me to set intentions before bed so I was thinking about that... and I wasn't clear if I needed to set intentions to double down with Ryan or to let him go so I can attract someone who may be a better fit. 

I love Ryan and it must be his "architecture" I see... the "genetic equal"... but he hasn't chosen this path and I need to stop trying to change him. I want to change him to see the beauty in the world, to let go of his anger, to travel, to make choices for his health, to love and be loved. But that's not who he is right now. And that's okay. 

I need to put my focus on myself and enjoy my life and my family and friends and find joy and satisfaction within. 

I want to be done, but I also just caught myself fantasizing about him coming around and apologizing and us hugging and loving one another.

Stop.

Choose me.
I'll have more room in my life. Choose life.
BE ME.
I'm unique and quirky and kind. I don't need to be ridiculed for it. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by many people and beings who love me and everything is going to be okay. It's time to move on.

___

Telegram note to Ryan:

I'd like for you to still be my friend when you are ready. You are welcome to use my washing machine, etc. still, of course. But I think we both know/see that a romantic relationship isn't working. I realize that we had an amazing time the last two days... I SO enjoy spending time with you. I enjoyed exploring, laughing, flirting, and all we did together... I hold to the belief that on a soul level, we were made for one another. Unfortunately during this earth experience, there are layers of separation from our souls and your personality layers don't like mine much and mine are trying to change yours (to fit with my perception/projection). Note, my perception/projection does seem aligned with what I hear on these astrology apps... I see you as a powerful, beautiful, royal, talented, compassionate, gifted, kind, and friendly being. You can call it delusion, but I see it (and you) as GOOD and wanted to help you to embody that. But that isn't my job. My job is to embody my own amazingness... and I need to return my focus to loving and doting on myself and my family and friends who love (and like!) me. 

I have identified how important "respect" is for you. You love Munky so much because you RESPECT him. He's "badass". You love Dookie, but in a different way and maybe not so powerfully and that's because he doesn't illicit your respect. You cannot respect me if you choose to see me as crazy and I think it may take a while for you to recognize that willingness to question the mainstream narrative is couragous, not crazy. (Or find peace with the concept of "crazy" which is what I did. I dig it.) Anyway... that's just a tiny note...something I was thinking about earlier.

I'm at peace. My heart is open. I know that I tried well.

... and I'm at peace.

22/1:11

(I've seen 11:11 a bunch lately too)

22/1:44 (Misha mentioned 144 to me today too... 144 million dollar grant or something)

On point:

The "looking within myself" is "up". Ryan has been saying that to me for a long time. (In a ridicule way.... but it's true.) I saw it when I was on my hammock yesterday... how I look for answers outside myself. I need to look within. All the answers are within. It's time to peel back another layer on that.

And Ryan is definitely being destructive and cruel. So interesting how that switch flipped in him yesterday when the sun went down. 

Why did I choose this relationship?

I want to pay attention to Ayla's masterclass so I'll come back to that.

____

I love Ryan... I love his mind, body, and especially his soul. I do not love his smoking, his ego, or his pain body tantrums and bipolar (biwave influences). I want a man who wants me. I want a man who sees good in me, who speaks life, not death/hate into me. I want a partner to glory in life with - to play, adventure, explore, learn and LOVE with. 

I need to be that person. I AM MY PERSON. And my partner, the lover of my soul, will come if/when it is time.

In the meantime, I have joined Ayla's group. I think this is where my soul wants to be... invest in, and engage with the songbirds. *Ryan is a songbird too, by the way, but he isn't choosing to restore himself in that way yet... and that's his perogative. I can't do it for him. But I can do it for me. And that's where I'm at. The ES narrative speaks to similar themes...they use different words and overlays but it's all what my soul is here to do - reclamation of our hearts, the earth, and the Way/Truth/Life. I'm grateful for this beautiful world and that I get to be here now. Thank you God. 

Today

1:44 11:11 333 12:34

13:44/1:44 14:22/2:22

Parasitic Emotional Manipulator

Is it me? Is it Ryan? Is it Jannelle? Is it all of us?
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Parasitic_Emotional_Manipulators

I remember thinking it was Ammi... and me... this "emotional vampire". This is the farming or collection of loosh... from some level (hybridized or nephilim? parts) inside us. 

Am I made this way or is it something that I learned in order to live? A self-preservation tactic? Is it even me at all or is this a delusion? Maybe I'm fine and just always want to assign blame and "bad" to myself? If so, why? Or am I willing to observe myself and be honest? Let's... 

I do feel like I want to be with Ryan. I like to be near him ...whatever we are doing, I like it. There is a lot of drama sometimes but I really don't think I like the drama...or maybe I do... maybe that keeps me hooked? But I just like being with him and feel like I ACCEPT the drama... but I would PREFER peace and joy. And I feel like he's driving it. When he is balanced and well, we both are. Yeah, I'm definitely working with co-dependence here. I want peace. 

____

Ohhhhhhh..... I just finished the article. Deeeeefinitely intel on Ryan.

____

Yep. The thing is, that I was like him... riddled with parasites. And I still am. And maybe being in his presence makes me prone to more sticking on me. So I need to practice self-care and heal myself deeper and deeper which will help me to be a better support for my brother and lover, Ryan. I'm not a hero-savior... I'm someone who needs to find a way to do my own work and also l

I ate one peanut (three pods) and feel something off in my body... crunchy inflammation in my face. No more of that please.

Good conversations about farming and life with Seth and real life with Gwen who is having a rough time right now too. 

____

12:13 today so far... been seeing an abundance of 144s and last week lots of 9:11s.

I'd like to continue talking to myself about Ryan. It's my favorite topic. Why? 

I relate to him a lot. I think we are a lot alike. At least The Pattern App says we are. But I DO long for a relationship with someone present and loving... and that's because I have to do that for myself. The question is "can I do that WHILE in a relationship with Ryan?". I'd like to say "yes" because we have so much opportunity to PRACTICE...(compassionate witnessing, patience, forgiveness, listening, loving, etc.)... and to see how we are affected.... but it can be twisty too... it IS "dark arts" training in a way too because I'm exposed to more miasma, etc.

But I am finding my groove. My peace and joy just sleeping with my dogs. My call to just relax into my own life. To figure out boundaries and learn appreciation. I have lots to learn from Ryan too...he sees me in unflattering ways sometimes and I need to see those parts of me so I can try to clean them up.

We both are hosts for the "parasitic emotional manipulation" monsters ... they live off our pain bodies and fuel our egos. But our love will heal this...  (my love for Ryan is healing me... and that's what I need to focus on. Not pleasing anyone else.)

Whoah!! And you see THIS? I just went to my email and checked this... not something I read every day but look!!

Ryan is the Phoenix...at least his mom (and/or I) pulled that card for him when we did the relationship animal oracle cards. This is more confirmation for me that I'm on the right path. (And Ryan could look a little like a bird! Ha! I'm playing!)

______

Lots of mirror numbers these days too... 13:31 just now, got 12:21 earlier
Now just got 14:41 
Interesting - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_temperaments
watching/learning about NDE
Thank you God!
It's all about LOVE

How can I love myself better?
Take baths... you want/need an epsom salt bath, Love. Rest. Eat well... eat what fuels you and heals you. Right now is that meat? Yes, I think so. 

9:52 - so interesting. Ryan was so good to me today - took care of my animals when I had to work late and came back over to spend time with me but we sat down and shared our day and then something in him wanted to feed/fight. It was so very clear that his pain body took the reins and I tried to disarm it with love and laughter but it didn't work. He even asked me if I felt shame (what the parasites inside him were hungry for... they wanted to feast on shame and were trying to trigger me into their game). I didn't take the bait and when he wanted to go smoke out back I suggested that we not if he wanted to continue arguing. I am pleased with myself for setting that boundary and being straightforward. Thank you God! 

Lovely

I had such a lovely weekend with Ryan! Lovely Friday night and Saturday night and Sunday night. It's so good when it's good. He was on the fence about joining me Saturday but he pulled himself together and we were late, but we went... to Dr. Allison/Puja's benefit in Siler City... it was $250 for both of us, but we had a meal and a permaculture farm tour. We had the best seats in the trailer (God delivered when Ryan said (privately, to me only) that he wasn't keen about sitting on hay....and the guy randomly invited us to sit in the cab of the puller cart where we could ask him private questions...it was amazing! We saw a strawbale house too that was innnnncredible! A truly lovely experience. The 1.5 plus hour drive was lovely and filled with great conversation too! We left for the event after it started and got there with 35ish minutes left but we got to have the whole experience, thanks be to God! We left there at around 3 and went and spent some time with Corie and her family who were on their maiden voyage of camping...glamping...ha! We went down to Jordan Lake and Ryan showed Corie how to skip rocks. Jewel and Hazel were with us too...they were throwing rocks too. We were all barefoot in the water. It was really great! Then he took me out to "Co" for dinner in North Hills. Fancy Southeast Asian restaurant... we did it RIGHT too... it was pretty good food but a GREAT experience with my Love! That night I spent the night in our love nest with the doggies and neither of us slept great...but it was nice to be close. Sunday I saw him on and off as I was running around doing chores - Clayton trip - Goldsboro trip, dinner. A bit of a Bills game. Just cozy and wonderful weekend.

He was ornery and grumpy on Saturday morning and he made a conscious effort to turn his attitude around and it was MAGICAL! I hope he does that all the time! Please God!

Feel the sadness

I had a moment... a waft...of sadness come through. Remember, it was the suppression of sadness that fueled my anxiety and panic attacks. I need to allow all the feelings to express themselves. I've been feeling fear and sadness about being alone. Longing for a loving and right partner. Ryan isn't it. I HOPED he was. I thought I could love him into it, but that is a delusion. I thought I could love Tyrone and Paul into coherence and light too. They all are beautiful in their own right, but I can't DO (or be or say) anything that will "heal" these people. I need to focus on my own healing. I was (am) attracted to Ryan...but his personality (at least the demon-fueled side of it) is a deterrent. When his heart and mind are open, he is so wonderful... but it never lasts very long. 

I watched half a movie last night with the pups. It was good. And I loved my self, which was good. I need to tend to my own garden ... my own animals and family and home and world. I've put my focus on Ryan and tried to do it all. There is a better, more peaceful, more lovely, WAY. 

And as for ES... I don't want to get caught up in their "doctrine" either. It's another religion... a way to view "reality". But it's PRESENCE and SOURCE energy that align me with that. My Ego wants to KNOW...but that's not necessary. I just need to BE. And in BEING, REMAIN IN CHRIST (the Flow). Peace be with me. 

I don't need to wrangle anything. I saw a dragon in/through Terri's eyes...and I know God is in that dragon, but God is also in the leaves. And like the ladies said, the still quiet voice. I AM. And if I can just REMAIN there, in peace, without striving, IN LOVE, then everything will unfold as it should. 

I don't want to do my work. I could call Farms. But I don't have to. I could go home or take time to go to Raleigh to get Ryan's clicker, Costco, dog food, and maybe see Corie again. I could go to Everest Kitchen and get Dragon Noodles and ice cream at the General Store on the way home. I'm better and healthier and feel good on the Carnivore diet though, so why am I trying to get noodles? I'm all over the place. 

I like Ryan's company... I like discussion...but I am over being a punching bag and whipped around by his moods and triggers. I need to enjoy my own company. Stop looking to him. Be with ME. 

Happy birthday to my Mom! She's 73 today.
I bought 5 bows and 8 wreaths today.... $380. Eep! Supports the 4H. I spent $270 last week at the Friends of the NRA event on raffle tickets (also support 4H and other shooting clubs)... but I need to reel it in. I need to be more careful with money.

I owe Ryan $1500. $1000 for the shed, and $500 for the floors (when he finishes). Am I ungrateful if I see that he drags his feet some? Starts work at 2pm. He is talented and smart, but not as much as he thinks. He sees himself as so special...and I've encouraged it...trying to call out his gifts... but it has created an entitled monster. He's slovenly, crass, and I am confident this is a mirror for myself... so I need to be more thoughtful. Listen better. Don't worry about trying to be "heard"... and focus on working hard and ethically. (Maybe not journalling during work time? I don't know. The processing is important. Just like breathing outside is probably good for productivity and meditation may help me align my mind with my work/what needs to get done... it's probably good for me. Okay.) \

___

Got an AG pick about Embodiment and Body Awareness. This is very important now. I also got one about "Draconian Christian Crusades". That's the thing about ES... it's supernaturally supportive... from Guidance Teams... not a human demanding I follow their doctrine. This gives me insight into my own personal experiences. 

I'm feeling a lot with my tongue and back of my throat these days... and sinuses... and head, especially the top. My knees hurt, especially in the morning. Tuning into my body is important advice. I need to just be quiet with my self. And I can do that here in my office. So peace be with me. I'm doing my job by being available if people have questions. 

Do I lie to myself? All the time. 
Am I crazy? No.
Thank you

Taking Rose Colored Glasses OFF

This video from Instagram NAILED IT for me today:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxwzKwNNd4l/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

...and then I had hope when I got a cute photo from Ryan of the dogs... an act of kindness... and I came home to him working on my water shed (positive), but his attitude was there...he was "low ebbing" as he said. He is just not kind. And he might have smoked in my house... maybe walked through with a lit cig or maybe it was from him standing at the door...but he's thoughtless about that. And I'm over the smell. I was supernaturally immune to it before but now I smell it STRONGLY and it is a powerful turn-OFF. His mean-ness, constant belittling of me, his ego...even when I compliment him, he's like "I know"... and he compliments himself...etc. It's just gross. He's gross. I was so attracted to him, but he doesn't give... in sex (which we haven't had for a long time), it's all taking... it's just toxic across the board. I'm being called out. Taking the rose-colored glasses off. 

There are so many wonderful people in the world. And I really need to face my fear of being alone. And get strong and love myself back to health. And then I'll attract someone worthy of my love. Ryan was the classic narcissist who woooed me with such love and kindness right off the bat....it was so powerful. Yep, red flag, but I loved it. And it got me moving away from Paul who wasn't right for me... and he hooked me and then flipped. That other IG video about how the narcissist hooks you was ON POINT. But I might be like that too? I don't know. But what I DO know is that I'm getting back to me. I came home from work 2+ hours ago and I've worked on Malai, spent time with animals (treated and tucked in chickens....picked up and dumped Sioux poops...took the dogs on a tiny walk), and Ryan let it get dark while he was finishing up and was just leaving stuff out there in the yard so I offered to help clean up (which was hard work...and I pinched myself and screamed "ow" and he didn't even ask if I was okay.) He was just radiating wrath ... just not kind. 

I deserve kindness. 

And I haven't heard from Bindab...what the heck was his name? Barinder. It might be done with him... that was probably dangerous anyway... but I thought it might be like Kirk... a friend to chat with... and I felt so much energy in my body last night ... felt like it was him connecting... could have been "Red Cube"... could have been him doing something in the astral plane (which is NOT good). But I think in the night I was dreaming about him and telling him he shouldn't do that... so... anyway... it was what it was and hopefully I picked up what I needed.

I need to focus on ME. I want to watch a movie.... "A Star is Born", I think. And eat. And relax. I have to finish Malai first. 10/7:52

Cookies and Nerves

See how the cookie instantly causes left arm numbness? Inflammation. It's not good. Don't eat cookies, sugar, white flour (bisquick... those biscuits today!! Bryant made them with Bisquick, Sprite, and Sour Cream...soooo good.).... but this is making me sick. Meat and water. Try it.

Those were the best cookies in the world -  made with love by Caden - and a good "last hurrah". But this stuff makes me sick. I feel so much better and alive when I don't eat crap. Meat and water. Get back to that. Period.

Also Mama Bear called - I think that God sent her to balance out the ES group's advice yesterday to be by myself. I want God to lead... I just don't know. It's a spiritual war. They saw (through spirit) about the crumbs I was waiting for with Ryan... but the "crumbs" are so beautiful. He is a Phoenix... and this afternoon his tears for the people of Israel were so beautiful. And he is working so hard on my water shed. I love him. I want to love others too and I get to do that at work. But I am working on patience and myself in the context of our relationship. Yes, LOTs of "dark arts" training too... but this is where I want to be for now. "Taking it one day at a time" is darn good advice too... care of Mama Bear. She is on "Team Ryan". I am too. But I don't want to abandon "Team Carissa". I don't think they are mutually exclusive. 

____

9/9:55 - feeling the black magic... clearing 

Ryan is, indeed, a dark portal. For NAA forces to try to distract and disarm me. He wants to tear me down and create division ... not him... the demons/forces working through him. I do not consent. I see you and invite you to use the shadow vortex to return to your source. Ryan is not yours. He is whole, full, light, and God. In the name of Christ I call him back to safety, peace, and wholeness. I do not consent to harm for or through him. We transit this back to it's source, we collapse it in the name of Christ. We are God, Sovereign, and Free. We are whole. Holy Mother, Holy Father, Holy Christ-Sophia, WE ARE.

9/11:09 
Good, lovely, inspiring conversation with Barinder. He is bringing something to my life to call me back to my heart. Sister Kelsey too. I feel confident she came by my side to hold space to do some black magic clearing. She popped in and we connected through Telegram. And after yesterday's session at the Round Table... I am feeling seen and supported. 

Also pooped. It's 9/11:11 Get to bed!

Just walk away

Ryan is unkind, abusive, non-commital, hangs up on me, angry, triggered, doesn't take ownership or responsibility for his actions or words, and is overall selfish and self-centered.

Yes, I see his potential... but it's fading. I'm tired of all this. I own myself. I want to love myself and get strong so I can attract someone who is more aligned with my path and energy.

I am nice. People like me. Ryan is not and he does not. He feeds on me... no wonder he is so triggered by "Loosh", it's because that's his food. (I might be being dramatic.) But I'm close to done. Maybe all the way.

I identify my loneliness too... wishing for someone to "do life with"... to share my animals and bed and laughter and adventure. Ryan isn't the one... not unless something drastic happens in his heart. I can be patient, but not for a lost cause and I'm losing hope. 

It's not lost yet, but it's pretty much gone. 

I need to find someone to do my water closet. He has put it off for 2 months and now it's cold and he still wouldn't commit to connecting with me to go to Lowes. He has so much miasma, he's riddled with sludge and it holds him down. 

This is going to come to an end. It has to. I have to go to Ireland by myself. I picked up my Celtic codes and I can learn to meet my own love needs. This is toxic, addictive, and pulling me out of my character... I am a lover, laugher, thinker, animal person, hiker, seeker, and want peace and joy and this doesn't provide it. He isn't capable (yet) of commitment. He doesn't like me. He judges me and thinks it's okay to call me names and swear at me. Rosemary was telling me how Ed never points his anger AT HER... he might get angry, but it's not at her... I can see how that would feel safer. Ryan is always angry at me. At everyone else. Everything else.

Ridiculous

I am getting tired of the games and rollercoaster and mood swings and bull crap and bad energy and judgments and false accusations and allllll that. 

I am good and kind. I was right to confess that I cheated and ate some chocolate today. Ryan used it against me and twisted intentions and then quit doing carnivore with me. He gave me money for food but took 2/3 of it back. Gamey. Moody. He's good sometimes but it's not worth the hassle. I can do better. I will do better. God, thy will be done. 

He just makes fun of me all the time - finds any opportunity to jab me or make fun of me. It's his ego trying to feel better about himself. I'm not a punching bag. Moving on. 

We'll see if it feels good to be around him, I will, but I'm not fighting for it. He abandons me and doesn't do what he says he will do. Today he heard that he won his case and instead of telling me right away (knowing I've been invested the whole time), he waited for me to ask if he heard anything. It's just games.

I don't want to keep up with the O'Malleys anymore. 

I want to be a Wages. I want to be good and pure and true and aligned with God.

9:11 Paul contacted me (or I contacted him? I thought of him and his meditation and he said he was about to contact me)... anyway, he shared that he's had some major traumas process through. 

I just watched a couple videos and looked at some of our interactions. Paul is much more aligned spiritually, just ... yeah... it didn't work. He wasn't the strong man I needed.

Ryan is not kind, doesn't see me, doesn't like me, isn't aware that he's interested in spirituality... he IS... stoicism and quantum physics... his soul likes these things... but he bucks/baulks when I want to explore them.... his ego is holding him back. 

I need to let him go. He's soul family so I can't. Paul is too. Michael is too. Jeff is too. They all are. Joe is too. Moses is too. 

Focus on loving myself. Getting quiet and practicing self-care and boundaries. Taking care of myself, my animals, and my home. I put so much energy into caring for Ryan. No more. He can cook for himself. I'll do the same. 

Oh yeah, but when I get hurt, I get mean and ornery inside myself.... grumbling... saying to myself "F that guy" and dreaming about sending mean messages and breaking up with him, etc. It would be impulsive to do it, but it might save me because I keep going back. And it's not smart. He doesn't love or respect me. He is growing but he isn't in a place where he can recognize my beauty and the whole thing is wearing me down. 

I need to get back to my heart. Searching ES, making connections, exploring consciousness, caring about friends, etc. Ryan's bull crap is a life-suck. And why am I wasting it on him. There is so much love to explore and share with others!

"hurt people hurt people" and that's what happens... he hurts me and I want to hurt him back by breaking up. I can't do that. Feel the hurt, feel it and let it move through. You are loved!