Broke up

I broke up with Ryan. I said I wanted to be friends but I didn't want to be his girlfriend. I think he heard me because he came out and screamed about me being a victim, but he had kicked and locked me out so I had to say it to his glass door. I do think he heard me. 

This after I went over there to hug him and be kind... but he launched into his fit and blame game where he was just throwing insult after insult at me... calling me all the names - psycho, bitch...oh man, I really don't remember but I'm glad for the part of the "conversation" where I was repeating what he said to me... I said "it's okay...just call me _____ and _____ ..." and he'd launch another one and I'd repeat that. It was interesting. Anyway, I'm ready. We had two fantastic days of adventure, laughter, and love. I gave him the gift of a road bj which he'd always wanted and I know that I was good to him and loved him.

He was trying to get me to "admit" to some "real" (f-d up) reason behind my question to him yesterday if he loved his car more than me. And I think, truly, there was a sense of trying to see the truth. I struggle with that... I think I needed to hear that he does... and today when he said it... "of course I f-n love my car more than you!"... it hurt and I cried inside and that's what I needed to hear out loud. He doesn't love me... but I know that. And I see how I keep HOPING and how silly I am for doing so... and yesterday that SirusJoy app wanted me to set intentions before bed so I was thinking about that... and I wasn't clear if I needed to set intentions to double down with Ryan or to let him go so I can attract someone who may be a better fit. 

I love Ryan and it must be his "architecture" I see... the "genetic equal"... but he hasn't chosen this path and I need to stop trying to change him. I want to change him to see the beauty in the world, to let go of his anger, to travel, to make choices for his health, to love and be loved. But that's not who he is right now. And that's okay. 

I need to put my focus on myself and enjoy my life and my family and friends and find joy and satisfaction within. 

I want to be done, but I also just caught myself fantasizing about him coming around and apologizing and us hugging and loving one another.

Stop.

Choose me.
I'll have more room in my life. Choose life.
BE ME.
I'm unique and quirky and kind. I don't need to be ridiculed for it. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by many people and beings who love me and everything is going to be okay. It's time to move on.

___

Telegram note to Ryan:

I'd like for you to still be my friend when you are ready. You are welcome to use my washing machine, etc. still, of course. But I think we both know/see that a romantic relationship isn't working. I realize that we had an amazing time the last two days... I SO enjoy spending time with you. I enjoyed exploring, laughing, flirting, and all we did together... I hold to the belief that on a soul level, we were made for one another. Unfortunately during this earth experience, there are layers of separation from our souls and your personality layers don't like mine much and mine are trying to change yours (to fit with my perception/projection). Note, my perception/projection does seem aligned with what I hear on these astrology apps... I see you as a powerful, beautiful, royal, talented, compassionate, gifted, kind, and friendly being. You can call it delusion, but I see it (and you) as GOOD and wanted to help you to embody that. But that isn't my job. My job is to embody my own amazingness... and I need to return my focus to loving and doting on myself and my family and friends who love (and like!) me. 

I have identified how important "respect" is for you. You love Munky so much because you RESPECT him. He's "badass". You love Dookie, but in a different way and maybe not so powerfully and that's because he doesn't illicit your respect. You cannot respect me if you choose to see me as crazy and I think it may take a while for you to recognize that willingness to question the mainstream narrative is couragous, not crazy. (Or find peace with the concept of "crazy" which is what I did. I dig it.) Anyway... that's just a tiny note...something I was thinking about earlier.

I'm at peace. My heart is open. I know that I tried well.

... and I'm at peace.

22/1:11

(I've seen 11:11 a bunch lately too)

22/1:44 (Misha mentioned 144 to me today too... 144 million dollar grant or something)

On point:

The "looking within myself" is "up". Ryan has been saying that to me for a long time. (In a ridicule way.... but it's true.) I saw it when I was on my hammock yesterday... how I look for answers outside myself. I need to look within. All the answers are within. It's time to peel back another layer on that.

And Ryan is definitely being destructive and cruel. So interesting how that switch flipped in him yesterday when the sun went down. 

Why did I choose this relationship?

I want to pay attention to Ayla's masterclass so I'll come back to that.

____

I love Ryan... I love his mind, body, and especially his soul. I do not love his smoking, his ego, or his pain body tantrums and bipolar (biwave influences). I want a man who wants me. I want a man who sees good in me, who speaks life, not death/hate into me. I want a partner to glory in life with - to play, adventure, explore, learn and LOVE with. 

I need to be that person. I AM MY PERSON. And my partner, the lover of my soul, will come if/when it is time.

In the meantime, I have joined Ayla's group. I think this is where my soul wants to be... invest in, and engage with the songbirds. *Ryan is a songbird too, by the way, but he isn't choosing to restore himself in that way yet... and that's his perogative. I can't do it for him. But I can do it for me. And that's where I'm at. The ES narrative speaks to similar themes...they use different words and overlays but it's all what my soul is here to do - reclamation of our hearts, the earth, and the Way/Truth/Life. I'm grateful for this beautiful world and that I get to be here now. Thank you God.