Just walk away

Ryan is unkind, abusive, non-commital, hangs up on me, angry, triggered, doesn't take ownership or responsibility for his actions or words, and is overall selfish and self-centered.

Yes, I see his potential... but it's fading. I'm tired of all this. I own myself. I want to love myself and get strong so I can attract someone who is more aligned with my path and energy.

I am nice. People like me. Ryan is not and he does not. He feeds on me... no wonder he is so triggered by "Loosh", it's because that's his food. (I might be being dramatic.) But I'm close to done. Maybe all the way.

I identify my loneliness too... wishing for someone to "do life with"... to share my animals and bed and laughter and adventure. Ryan isn't the one... not unless something drastic happens in his heart. I can be patient, but not for a lost cause and I'm losing hope. 

It's not lost yet, but it's pretty much gone. 

I need to find someone to do my water closet. He has put it off for 2 months and now it's cold and he still wouldn't commit to connecting with me to go to Lowes. He has so much miasma, he's riddled with sludge and it holds him down. 

This is going to come to an end. It has to. I have to go to Ireland by myself. I picked up my Celtic codes and I can learn to meet my own love needs. This is toxic, addictive, and pulling me out of my character... I am a lover, laugher, thinker, animal person, hiker, seeker, and want peace and joy and this doesn't provide it. He isn't capable (yet) of commitment. He doesn't like me. He judges me and thinks it's okay to call me names and swear at me. Rosemary was telling me how Ed never points his anger AT HER... he might get angry, but it's not at her... I can see how that would feel safer. Ryan is always angry at me. At everyone else. Everything else.