Feel it all

I AM ENOUGH:
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=PzkxFJMemNQ

Thank you God, for seeing me. Thank you for Nahko's music which helps me see and feel and heal. Thank you for today where I get to be with me and love and feel me. Thank you for not letting Moses kill our chicken. Thank you for my heart. I am beautiful and I love me. I can support Lisa's work and Ayla's work. I need to do my own though. Should I hang up ES? Maybe. I don't know yet. Have I given power to shielding? What kind of life am I creating? I'm sad. I'm blessed. Thank you for the tears I am with me. Thank you God. Feel it all. 

Dee - Indian food lunch, delicous - Tandori Trail.

FIRE - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhuwIZLABqA

I joined Ayla's container, Living Song. I paid for it and I feel like this is the one to invest in some... we'll see where it goes. I'm on the fence about a break from ESF...we'll see. I don't use it much, but I do sometimes and I do like it. The energy there is spikier. I think even though it is so much about ego clearing, I think the structure has ego built into it. Ayla's feels more pure. But I might need them both, or neither. We'll see.

My answer to:

WELCOME to The Living Song! Where are you from? What inspires you in your life? What brought you here? What new form are you ready to step into?

Thank you! Honored to be here and participate! I'm from Selma, North Carolina, on the east coast of the US. I'm inspired by YOU, beautiful songbirds and life-dancers and dream weavers! Music moves me - I'm a worshipper of Life, trying to find my Way and live in alignment to Truth. 💗 I am here to come back to feeling. I have been looking outside of myself for answers, context, direction and I'm ready to peel back another layer on how to look and feel inward, to use my vessel, my earth-antenna, to interact with this plane of experience. To align with and embody my God-self/Higher-self and then merge in unity with our shared destiny, beloved brothers and sisters. I came to work together with all of you to repair and restore the organic blueprint/natural flow of our earth vessel (collectively/macrocosm) as well as my own (including ancestral and family lines/microcosm). In my experience, groping around trying to find my way, it seems like sound and light are some of the tools we use to access additional layers of consciousness. Seems like intention should be in there too, but that might be a different form. I'm losing coherence, ha! Okay... I'm here to practice, witness, experience, and grow. And I'm ready to integrate the polarities necessary to alchemize my form into One filled with light, acceptance, purity, truth, and be a Force of Love and catalyst for others to see themselves as they ARE (MAGNIFICENT!!)! 💗

I feel it's a little manipulated... but let me see if we can walk it out. Let's watch and see and feel ourself, sweet Carissa. Who are you??

I AM!

Next question, which I answered first:

WELCOME to our exploration of Fire. What does this element represent for you? What are you hoping to learn from it? Share below...

First I think of fire as the catalyst that boils the dross to the top of the cauldron to be scraped away. Fire heats up and opens new pathways. Fire causes expansion. Fire culls that which is ready to transition to ash to blow away in the wind.

I loved and continue to love and resonate with Ayla's "Fire" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7Wr0f8E_wc)... it brings me to tears still... feels like I've been in the fire for a long season. I need to let go and  let it burn ....cull... heat... transform...transition....me to the me on the other side.

ps. This music and container and all you beautiful and brave and wise souls are such gifts. Thank you for being here. Thank you for allowing me to share space with you. I'm filled with inspiration, awe, and gratitude.

So that's it.

____

4:24 - some songs are making me think I need to hang on to Ryan. This is something outside of myself. But inside of myself too... I just love him and feel like we are good together. He just hurts me so much. "Hard Love" - Needtobreathe and "Part Problem" Nahko. "Enough" is really touching me ... always...  but "hard love lyrics are on point"... let me get them.

Trading punches with the heart of darkness

Going to blows with your fear incarnate

Never gone until it's stripped away

A part of you has gotta die to change

In the morning you gon' need an answer

Ain't nobody gonna change the standard

It's not enough to just feel the flame

You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

I know the situation can't be right

And all you ever do is fight

But there's a reason that the road is long

It take some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down

I will face them off and stand my ground

Cuz there's a fire burnin' in me

They will see my strength in this love I found

Oh

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

It's a hard love

Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)

Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)

Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)

Cuz it's a hard love

Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)

Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)

Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)

Cuz it's a hard, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

(Cuz it's a hard love)

Either way, I need to practice self-care, boundaries, and be my own lover and best friend. I can choose Ryan as icing, but I AM the cake. 

_____

11:02 - such a nice evening with Ryan. We went to the "Ghost Walk" at the graveyard in Smithfield, put on by the Heritage Center. We walked through at night and listened to 5 stories from 5 people who lived in Johnston County in history - a nurse, a musician, military man, society woman, and a guy who fought against the KKK. We went in an old house too....and Ryan bought me a hot chocolate. He also bought us dinner at Chipoltle and we went back to his house and watched the Bills and ate and snuggled. It was such a loving and great time! I can't help it - I just love him!! And in the times like this when he is softer and more open, I think some light gets in to help him see differently. 

He doesn't want to have sex because we are both feeling and looking quite fat. I'm 178, he's 216. He's not attracted to plump girls either. So we'll see. z

Did I tell you I took Dee to ... I did... Indian lunch. And my tummy is still sore from all this food. I need to get in shape. I had a chest pain when I was walking with the dogs on the Greenway...so lovely... fall foliage and smell and it was getting to be dusk...really lovely. Felt so much better than walking on Firetower Road with all the cars. 

I need some Pepcid and bed. Oh, and a shower! Shoot!