Ridiculous

I am getting tired of the games and rollercoaster and mood swings and bull crap and bad energy and judgments and false accusations and allllll that. 

I am good and kind. I was right to confess that I cheated and ate some chocolate today. Ryan used it against me and twisted intentions and then quit doing carnivore with me. He gave me money for food but took 2/3 of it back. Gamey. Moody. He's good sometimes but it's not worth the hassle. I can do better. I will do better. God, thy will be done. 

He just makes fun of me all the time - finds any opportunity to jab me or make fun of me. It's his ego trying to feel better about himself. I'm not a punching bag. Moving on. 

We'll see if it feels good to be around him, I will, but I'm not fighting for it. He abandons me and doesn't do what he says he will do. Today he heard that he won his case and instead of telling me right away (knowing I've been invested the whole time), he waited for me to ask if he heard anything. It's just games.

I don't want to keep up with the O'Malleys anymore. 

I want to be a Wages. I want to be good and pure and true and aligned with God.

9:11 Paul contacted me (or I contacted him? I thought of him and his meditation and he said he was about to contact me)... anyway, he shared that he's had some major traumas process through. 

I just watched a couple videos and looked at some of our interactions. Paul is much more aligned spiritually, just ... yeah... it didn't work. He wasn't the strong man I needed.

Ryan is not kind, doesn't see me, doesn't like me, isn't aware that he's interested in spirituality... he IS... stoicism and quantum physics... his soul likes these things... but he bucks/baulks when I want to explore them.... his ego is holding him back. 

I need to let him go. He's soul family so I can't. Paul is too. Michael is too. Jeff is too. They all are. Joe is too. Moses is too. 

Focus on loving myself. Getting quiet and practicing self-care and boundaries. Taking care of myself, my animals, and my home. I put so much energy into caring for Ryan. No more. He can cook for himself. I'll do the same. 

Oh yeah, but when I get hurt, I get mean and ornery inside myself.... grumbling... saying to myself "F that guy" and dreaming about sending mean messages and breaking up with him, etc. It would be impulsive to do it, but it might save me because I keep going back. And it's not smart. He doesn't love or respect me. He is growing but he isn't in a place where he can recognize my beauty and the whole thing is wearing me down. 

I need to get back to my heart. Searching ES, making connections, exploring consciousness, caring about friends, etc. Ryan's bull crap is a life-suck. And why am I wasting it on him. There is so much love to explore and share with others!

"hurt people hurt people" and that's what happens... he hurts me and I want to hurt him back by breaking up. I can't do that. Feel the hurt, feel it and let it move through. You are loved!