I just had a Sirius Joy affirmation pop through:n
"I Feel My Heart Today, and I Protect My Self-Love"
... anyway... he does appear to have a wife... there are photos but not the declaration of relationship status. I just feel like something is off. I feel connected to him, like we had a telepathic connection. But I could also be nutty or at least dealing with another timeline that is not the one that we are on. He feels like he could be my guy... but he's not, so let's work with that... what do I like about him?
His eyes, his countenance, his hair, his skin, his career - horticulture agent and cooperative extension, his humor, he's a Libra too... DOB 10/18, his FB profile photo and cover photo especially of the cool root structure of an amazing tree...the profile is a tractor which is cool,
His eyes, his countenance, his hair, his skin, his career - horticulture agent and cooperative extension, his humor, he's a Libra too... DOB 10/18, his FB profile photo and cover photo especially of the cool root structure of an amazing tree...the profile is a tractor which is cool,
I need to get back to truth. (Another Sirius Joy prompt: " 40 Days of My Truth + Purpose continues with exploring the placement of the Sun in the natal astrology chart. Where does YOUR heart shine?"
So weird that I got two of those in a row... I was thinking on the way in that I need to learn to drill down and find a way to access the TRUTH. I live on a layer where I am focused outward, especially on pleasing and meeting the needs of others (probably so they like me and/or so I feel safe). I look to others to explain what is happening... for context...it's just as bad as looking to the preacher to spoonfeed me the "Word of God". How can I learn to go inward? To find it within myself? To hear my body.
...just paused for another mini-stalk of Matt... to see if he wears a wedding ring usually. Maybe just not when pulling sweet potatoes? So I deduced that he was married before (I know he has at least 2 kids... 17 yr old girl and 19 yr old boy... maybe 22 yr old boy?))...looks like that might have fallen apart in 2018 ... he had a ring on then too? And then he had a ring on again in 2022 so I'm guessing that was his new wife, Michelle. She's cute. But I don't know... it's like it doesn't scratch the depths of his consciousness...I think he's a deep and powerful being (imagine that - me being drawn to someone like that?) and like that was just surface....because she, like me, is maybe still living on the surface, looking for life outside of herself. This is the narrative I've got working.
No, there's nothing I can do. I have to let God and Matt lead.
And what about Ryan?
No, there's nothing I can do. I have to let God and Matt lead.
And what about Ryan?
As I was stalking Matt's page for the second time, I got a Telegram kiss from Ryan in response to my audio message I left earlier. And just now I got The Pattern's "Relationship" notification that says "Rare & Exceptional: You and Ryan truly bring out the best in each other. This is one of the most rare and progressive connections you can have with someone."
I just feel that Ryan isn't interested in me anymore and I'm maybe not as interested in him. We don't fan the flames....they are hardly smoldering anymore. We don't have sex or sleep together and when we do, it's me giving to him. He's had multiple bj's lately and I've not had anything (except fantastic love making with myself). I am, I guess, in a period of loving myself and that's a good thing. I did the sun saltuation this morning and need to come back to my own body. This is where I am. If I want to attract a partner, I need to get back in touch with myself.
I need to feel my yesses and nos...I need to feel my inner compass... I need to listen to it. Right now I completely ignore it. I do what some level of my mind or addictions want me to do, not my body, my God-antannae. The mind has so many trauma-created holes in its aura so many decieving spirits can get in and mess with me. But my heart and body can lead me if I learn to listen.
I need to feel my yesses and nos...I need to feel my inner compass... I need to listen to it. Right now I completely ignore it. I do what some level of my mind or addictions want me to do, not my body, my God-antannae. The mind has so many trauma-created holes in its aura so many decieving spirits can get in and mess with me. But my heart and body can lead me if I learn to listen.
I need to listen to what it wants to eat. What it wants to do. If it wants to go to the bathroom or be quiet or walk or have a sweater or sleep. I need to put me first... my body. My love. Me.
ps. Yesterday saw 11:11, 12:12, 12:13, 1:44 (well it was 13:44) in the field. I woke up and saw 1:11 in the night too. I also saw 444 on a license plate and 44444444 (when Matt zeroed the scale at one point) yesterday.
ps. Yesterday saw 11:11, 12:12, 12:13, 1:44 (well it was 13:44) in the field. I woke up and saw 1:11 in the night too. I also saw 444 on a license plate and 44444444 (when Matt zeroed the scale at one point) yesterday.
_____
9:52 after a night with Ryan... taking his laundry to the laundrymat, going to Walmart and out to eat at La Cocina. A feast. I paid. Talked to him about us... "what are we?" "friends? friends with benefits?" He said benefits are nice. He said he gave up on trying to please me months ago. Of course he did, he was so selfish. He said since I didn't come during the 5-hour love-fest that I'm a lost cause. I told him that I loved every minute of that. But the truth is, he doesn't want to give to me. He takes sexually. And I need to stop giving. If he isn't going to be a fair partner, then I need to let it go. I asked if we could see other people too and he said it didn't feel good at first, but to do what I wanted.
Talked to Jeff today - he drunk himself into another pancreitis. He said I should be friends with benefits and have sex with anyone I want to - to sew my wild oats. I don't really want that. I just need to learn to love and listen to myself. I didn't listen to my stomach tonight - I ate too much including dessert which I didn't need. Ryan and I are both super fat. Forget Ryan. Do me. I need to just cut him loose. Stop hoping to see him and spend time with him. I'm mad at him. He's selfish and I need to move on.
Also, the exchange with Matt was not okay... I sent him an email about the Pattern App. It was unprofessional and I was coming on to him and it's not okay. I touched his hands when we were swapping sweet potatoes yesterday and it was not okay. I am a predator and it's not okay. I'm a girl, I'm supposed to have people chasing me, not the other way around. I'm broken. Come in to me...come back to me. Love me. That's all. Be here now. Hurt and all. Feel it. Ryan wants to hurt me... he just digs at me and resists my wisdom and goodness. Today I said again "I'm nice"... like I have to prove something to him. I gave him credit for helping me to see that I need to look inside instead of outside and for my willingness to put all the dogma away and just try to sit with what is.
He's not my guy. He was a catalyst to bring me to this next space, but my guy loves me... LIKES me... wants me and wants to take care of me. Ryan doesn't take care of himself, let alone me. He IS a "dirty smoker" and he is careless about his life... doesn't pay his bills on time, gets his license taken away, hasn't paid taxes in many years and has a huge balance... IS working toward figuring out what he wants to do for a job... but it's slow going and not good enough for me. I'm better than that. I am smart, kind, and have so much love to give to someone who wants to share in it with me.
Time to stop squandering it... wasting it...throwing it to the wolves. Use it to fortify and strengthen myself so that I can be reborn into my next chapter. Thank you God.
Talked to Jeff today - he drunk himself into another pancreitis. He said I should be friends with benefits and have sex with anyone I want to - to sew my wild oats. I don't really want that. I just need to learn to love and listen to myself. I didn't listen to my stomach tonight - I ate too much including dessert which I didn't need. Ryan and I are both super fat. Forget Ryan. Do me. I need to just cut him loose. Stop hoping to see him and spend time with him. I'm mad at him. He's selfish and I need to move on.
Also, the exchange with Matt was not okay... I sent him an email about the Pattern App. It was unprofessional and I was coming on to him and it's not okay. I touched his hands when we were swapping sweet potatoes yesterday and it was not okay. I am a predator and it's not okay. I'm a girl, I'm supposed to have people chasing me, not the other way around. I'm broken. Come in to me...come back to me. Love me. That's all. Be here now. Hurt and all. Feel it. Ryan wants to hurt me... he just digs at me and resists my wisdom and goodness. Today I said again "I'm nice"... like I have to prove something to him. I gave him credit for helping me to see that I need to look inside instead of outside and for my willingness to put all the dogma away and just try to sit with what is.
He's not my guy. He was a catalyst to bring me to this next space, but my guy loves me... LIKES me... wants me and wants to take care of me. Ryan doesn't take care of himself, let alone me. He IS a "dirty smoker" and he is careless about his life... doesn't pay his bills on time, gets his license taken away, hasn't paid taxes in many years and has a huge balance... IS working toward figuring out what he wants to do for a job... but it's slow going and not good enough for me. I'm better than that. I am smart, kind, and have so much love to give to someone who wants to share in it with me.
Time to stop squandering it... wasting it...throwing it to the wolves. Use it to fortify and strengthen myself so that I can be reborn into my next chapter. Thank you God.
Ryan's rebellion is unreal.
His pride is unreal.
His selfishness is unreal.
His selfishness is unreal.
He's a mirror? Yes. Ugh.
It's 23:13 and I saw BOTH 11:11's today.
It's 23:13 and I saw BOTH 11:11's today.
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