Oh Ryan

Gah, Ryan is so complicated! I feel a deep kinship with him. I love him. I don't know if he's decided to love me in truth yet...like he loves Munkie. I think he's still on the fence and will decide by the end of the year (December 23). We are both in these periods of transition. Maybe we are just friends and catalysts for our next phase. Feels like I should be with someone who is committed to me and similar to me in some ways... I mean, The Pattern pegs us as 74% similar and I think we are, at least the way we think. But he...ah, we both...are rebellious. And he ... we both... resist things that rub us the wrong way... we are both controlling. Can Ryan put up with me? In a way, he does. But it is also a call to me to be less controlling ... to practice giving up control and letting him lead. Right now we are just friends (but we're not)... it's all semantics. I don't know what's in the future... I wish it were Ryan, but a version of him that was more solid... like has goals and motivation and likes people and quits smoking and chooses health.

What about me? Is my version online that chooses health (or does she choose the cookie)? Is she motivated and strong? Does she take good care of her property or is she a slob? Does she take care of her body? Is she good at time and money management or does she have opportunity to improve? Does she make excuses outside of herself for why things are the way they are or does she take ownership and bravely feel and allow and witness and walk through hard things (like bodily pain/upgrades, etc.)? 

But I do like the kind of person who likes to be woo woo with me. This brings me back to Matt who I need to put down but I just have a feeling...and it's either because he reminds me of Ryan (in stature and look and maybe energetic architecture) or maybe there really is something there. But even that first day when I met him, I felt a kinship... and I could say on some level that I felt that this was the man I was supposed to marry/be with. I felt that same feeling of just wanting to be next to him. Again, it may have been a mirror of Ryan, but I don't think so. I felt like our souls were having telepathic communication. I read through to (perhaps just a story) that he and his wife whom he moved to Greenville for were over (or having problems... and if it's problems, then I need to let that go...because people can work through their problems.)... but... yeah... dang. He's a co-worker, lives an hour away, and IS MARRIED! (But not wearing a ring...anymore... which I think I told you about.) But it just felt like a divine meeting... like this was the one. I love his face and skin and especially eyes and all of him. I don't know him at all. I just feel like I feel him.

I wrote him an email and today, 3 days later, he responded with a kind but closed-end response. So I also have to realize this might be like a Jonathan from The Hartford experience where I'm delusional and being used as a dark portal to break up a marriage... "Alien Love Bite". So... I have to (and want to) let it all go to the Universe... blow it like a dandelion... God's will be done. Be thankful for the interaction and trust that everything will work out as it should. 

Stop being controlling and obsessive, lol. Not funny.

The fact that I dreamed of him all night that night after was something - maybe we were gridwork for each other and we swapped the sweet potato codes that we needed to. 

I just need to be present with myself, love myself, do the best I can. And that's all. 

I sent Matt three emojis back... the little hug/happy/cheery guy with the hands, a tree, and a shooting star. I hope he got the message. God, please bless my soul brother, Matt. May he be happy, may he be healthy, may he be strong, may he have peace. (And joy and love and abundance and all the good things in life!)

Maybe he cheated on his wife to marry the new girl, maybe there's terrible things that have made him feel bad. I don't feel that... if anything I feel like she might have chosen to leave him. Or maybe she died, God forbid. His first wife. His current wife looks young and happy (possibly tortured like me...like many humans, people pleasing and trying to do the best we can). 

I need to work all that out inside myself so I can be a good partner to whoever God has for me. It's unlikely that it's Matt. Could be Ryan, but also starting to feel like it's unlikely. But he's making strides in his life... and he's good to me too... today he's going to fix the window regulator on my car. And yesterday he talked about maybe getting his tax situation sorted out so he can start his own business. And he is talking about paying more attention to his body and wanting to exercise. I don't know... just seems like he is definitely on an upward trajectory. Am I? Job, home, etc....health... if I could just "eat to live" and do the steak thing, I think I'd be good. Be like a doggie... just the same thing every day, but I would have LIFE and health and feel good and find joy in other ways?

We'll see. 

____

OH YEAH- a HUGE development was that Ryan let me drive his car yesterday!! This was BIG.
He also addressed why we don't have much sex... because he's not feeling very sexy and I'm not looking very sexy either. So...it is what it is. But... I got to lay with him a little on his chair which was nice.

Weird that he still doesn't have space for both of us to sit... but I guess that's a quirk. It definitely is. 

But he let me drive his car!!!