Feel the sadness

I had a moment... a waft...of sadness come through. Remember, it was the suppression of sadness that fueled my anxiety and panic attacks. I need to allow all the feelings to express themselves. I've been feeling fear and sadness about being alone. Longing for a loving and right partner. Ryan isn't it. I HOPED he was. I thought I could love him into it, but that is a delusion. I thought I could love Tyrone and Paul into coherence and light too. They all are beautiful in their own right, but I can't DO (or be or say) anything that will "heal" these people. I need to focus on my own healing. I was (am) attracted to Ryan...but his personality (at least the demon-fueled side of it) is a deterrent. When his heart and mind are open, he is so wonderful... but it never lasts very long. 

I watched half a movie last night with the pups. It was good. And I loved my self, which was good. I need to tend to my own garden ... my own animals and family and home and world. I've put my focus on Ryan and tried to do it all. There is a better, more peaceful, more lovely, WAY. 

And as for ES... I don't want to get caught up in their "doctrine" either. It's another religion... a way to view "reality". But it's PRESENCE and SOURCE energy that align me with that. My Ego wants to KNOW...but that's not necessary. I just need to BE. And in BEING, REMAIN IN CHRIST (the Flow). Peace be with me. 

I don't need to wrangle anything. I saw a dragon in/through Terri's eyes...and I know God is in that dragon, but God is also in the leaves. And like the ladies said, the still quiet voice. I AM. And if I can just REMAIN there, in peace, without striving, IN LOVE, then everything will unfold as it should. 

I don't want to do my work. I could call Farms. But I don't have to. I could go home or take time to go to Raleigh to get Ryan's clicker, Costco, dog food, and maybe see Corie again. I could go to Everest Kitchen and get Dragon Noodles and ice cream at the General Store on the way home. I'm better and healthier and feel good on the Carnivore diet though, so why am I trying to get noodles? I'm all over the place. 

I like Ryan's company... I like discussion...but I am over being a punching bag and whipped around by his moods and triggers. I need to enjoy my own company. Stop looking to him. Be with ME. 

Happy birthday to my Mom! She's 73 today.
I bought 5 bows and 8 wreaths today.... $380. Eep! Supports the 4H. I spent $270 last week at the Friends of the NRA event on raffle tickets (also support 4H and other shooting clubs)... but I need to reel it in. I need to be more careful with money.

I owe Ryan $1500. $1000 for the shed, and $500 for the floors (when he finishes). Am I ungrateful if I see that he drags his feet some? Starts work at 2pm. He is talented and smart, but not as much as he thinks. He sees himself as so special...and I've encouraged it...trying to call out his gifts... but it has created an entitled monster. He's slovenly, crass, and I am confident this is a mirror for myself... so I need to be more thoughtful. Listen better. Don't worry about trying to be "heard"... and focus on working hard and ethically. (Maybe not journalling during work time? I don't know. The processing is important. Just like breathing outside is probably good for productivity and meditation may help me align my mind with my work/what needs to get done... it's probably good for me. Okay.) \

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Got an AG pick about Embodiment and Body Awareness. This is very important now. I also got one about "Draconian Christian Crusades". That's the thing about ES... it's supernaturally supportive... from Guidance Teams... not a human demanding I follow their doctrine. This gives me insight into my own personal experiences. 

I'm feeling a lot with my tongue and back of my throat these days... and sinuses... and head, especially the top. My knees hurt, especially in the morning. Tuning into my body is important advice. I need to just be quiet with my self. And I can do that here in my office. So peace be with me. I'm doing my job by being available if people have questions. 

Do I lie to myself? All the time. 
Am I crazy? No.
Thank you