Cleanse

I have to cleanse my heart and mind of him. I have to let him go. I keep thinking of him and fantasizing about being with him... just being near him...just being together.

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Grateful that I got to spend some time with Ryan... talking.... I just like being with him and near him. He is so beautiful when he's humble. He said he lied about being "damaged goods" because it's so much worse than that. But he also holds to his ego too. We are making strides. I think we are going to try to be friends. It's hard not to see him as my lover. But we'll see. I can't see straight right now because I'm in a sugar and food coma. In the last hour I've had an indian dessert, an ice cream cone from Celtic Creamery (so rich) AND a heath bar cookie. It started because I ate some of those crack pecans we got at the peanut factory place.... and it set me on a bender. And I want to stop. I feel so much better when I just eat meat. Why do I do this to myself? 

BUT the meal/dinner at the new Tandori Trail Indian restaurant downtown was fantastic!! I took Michael for his birthday dinner and it was a lovely and tasty experience!

I need to reel it in. Choose me. Feel what I've done to myself. 

Last night I had sex with myself and it felt really good and that is the way to pleasure myself... not through food. This isn't the way anymore. We're ready to move on. Ready to let food-as-a-drug go. It has no hold on me. 

I DID go to the gym today which was good. And walked the dogs. (Until Ryan came home.) 

I'll unpack Ryan more later when my brain is working. Tomorrow I get to go help dig sweet potatoes!