https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxwzKwNNd4l/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
...and then I had hope when I got a cute photo from Ryan of the dogs... an act of kindness... and I came home to him working on my water shed (positive), but his attitude was there...he was "low ebbing" as he said. He is just not kind. And he might have smoked in my house... maybe walked through with a lit cig or maybe it was from him standing at the door...but he's thoughtless about that. And I'm over the smell. I was supernaturally immune to it before but now I smell it STRONGLY and it is a powerful turn-OFF. His mean-ness, constant belittling of me, his ego...even when I compliment him, he's like "I know"... and he compliments himself...etc. It's just gross. He's gross. I was so attracted to him, but he doesn't give... in sex (which we haven't had for a long time), it's all taking... it's just toxic across the board. I'm being called out. Taking the rose-colored glasses off.
There are so many wonderful people in the world. And I really need to face my fear of being alone. And get strong and love myself back to health. And then I'll attract someone worthy of my love. Ryan was the classic narcissist who woooed me with such love and kindness right off the bat....it was so powerful. Yep, red flag, but I loved it. And it got me moving away from Paul who wasn't right for me... and he hooked me and then flipped. That other IG video about how the narcissist hooks you was ON POINT. But I might be like that too? I don't know. But what I DO know is that I'm getting back to me. I came home from work 2+ hours ago and I've worked on Malai, spent time with animals (treated and tucked in chickens....picked up and dumped Sioux poops...took the dogs on a tiny walk), and Ryan let it get dark while he was finishing up and was just leaving stuff out there in the yard so I offered to help clean up (which was hard work...and I pinched myself and screamed "ow" and he didn't even ask if I was okay.) He was just radiating wrath ... just not kind.
I deserve kindness.
There are so many wonderful people in the world. And I really need to face my fear of being alone. And get strong and love myself back to health. And then I'll attract someone worthy of my love. Ryan was the classic narcissist who woooed me with such love and kindness right off the bat....it was so powerful. Yep, red flag, but I loved it. And it got me moving away from Paul who wasn't right for me... and he hooked me and then flipped. That other IG video about how the narcissist hooks you was ON POINT. But I might be like that too? I don't know. But what I DO know is that I'm getting back to me. I came home from work 2+ hours ago and I've worked on Malai, spent time with animals (treated and tucked in chickens....picked up and dumped Sioux poops...took the dogs on a tiny walk), and Ryan let it get dark while he was finishing up and was just leaving stuff out there in the yard so I offered to help clean up (which was hard work...and I pinched myself and screamed "ow" and he didn't even ask if I was okay.) He was just radiating wrath ... just not kind.
I deserve kindness.
And I haven't heard from Bindab...what the heck was his name? Barinder. It might be done with him... that was probably dangerous anyway... but I thought it might be like Kirk... a friend to chat with... and I felt so much energy in my body last night ... felt like it was him connecting... could have been "Red Cube"... could have been him doing something in the astral plane (which is NOT good). But I think in the night I was dreaming about him and telling him he shouldn't do that... so... anyway... it was what it was and hopefully I picked up what I needed.
I need to focus on ME. I want to watch a movie.... "A Star is Born", I think. And eat. And relax. I have to finish Malai first. 10/7:52
I need to focus on ME. I want to watch a movie.... "A Star is Born", I think. And eat. And relax. I have to finish Malai first. 10/7:52
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