Savior

Quote that Rosemary sent me today: 

"As children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would be ourselves as adults" ~ Alice Little

Right?

Glossary pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Clearing_Personal_Timelines 

Unis Mundi

THIS is what God is working with me on:

My AG pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Unis_Mundi

I'm going to copy and paste it because it's important.

The term Unus Mundus is Latin for One World and was popularized by Jung for exploring archetypal forces of consciousness, thus, it has been injected into public discourse through purely intellectual concepts of theology, philosophy and alchemy. In this context, we describe the Unis Mundi as an energetic principle made evident from divine architecture that is the blueprint of the spiritual temple or dwelling which links cosmic consciousness with the material form or body. Further, this galactic node brings the cosmic spiritual alignment which brings forth the direct gnosis of the unified reality of God, or direct knowledge of the Cosmic Order and Source from which all things have been and are created.

The embodied solar tri-unity exists within the eternal present moment from which the alchemical forces and elementals of divine creation are made accessible to the spiritual initiate completing the Magnum Opus, where the Cosmic Christos consciousness magnetizes direct access to all timelines, knowledge and aptitudes, at the point of connection made with the zero-point source of the planet, solar system, Universe and Cosmos, all simultaneously.

The One World philosophy is the framework for the unity principle inherent in the Law of One, thus its rediscovery as it is uncovered from the thousands of years of stolen history hiding the ancient wisdom and spiritual freedom we once knew and recognized, coherently fills in the missing gaps throughout science, religion and psychology. During the planetary ascension, the Unis Mundi sacred staff cannot be blocked, hidden or defiled any longer, the truth of the nature of the reality is forcefully pushing upwards from deep in the crystal core of the planet, in which synchronicity and meaningful coincidences are the breadcrumbs we follow, as the divine plan of God restoring Cosmic Order through our personal mission sphere. If we would only listen to our heart.

Alhambra’s recent retrieval from the anti-human vandals inverting its sacred architecture and spiritual properties in base 10 reversals, begins another stage of planetary architecture restoration of the sacred crystal heart of the Triple Solar Masculine and Triple Solar Feminine, which is necessary for the reseating of King Arthur and Queen Meri-Guinevere within the Triple Solar Solomon Temple being built in the Albion. The reclamation of the Christos Mission serving the return of the Emerald Order, continues onward.^[1]

I had a session with Lyra (Elizabeth Fernandez) today and the message was all about remembering and supporting my body which is my vessel in this plane. It is my antenna. 

Key takeaways:

*It's hard for others to connect when I'm not present in my physical body.* (I assumed that meant other humans... like Ryan... like we can't have a meaningful connection when I am dissociated or floating around in consciousness and not in my body and in this plane.  But it could mean my guides? I need more clarification.) 

- vibration neutralizes frequency

- cycle energy back into my body

- I can negotiate how energy comes in/affects me.

- be more connected to physical body

- more body work

- ignored body. physical body taking hits coming in by energy signatures

*Sense the shiver, not awareness in my head* for level of work I'm doing.

-interactive. Gives information about surroundings. More diagnostic than I give credit for.

EXPERIENCE PHYSICAL BODY.

So I need to do more body work... exercise, walk, breathe, embody, feeling to do facial massage...lymph massage and facia support and yoga and qigong and massage myself and just be in my body. Connect... sink... feel... deeper. 

masturbation?

It was helpful. 

Big messages right now:
1. Everything comes from within me. Stop looking outside of myself for answers, love, etc. Protection?? God? Everything comes from within.

2. EmBODY. Focus on healing and serving and loving my body.

I'm glad to be single. Embrace it. 
I'm grateful for my beautiful life and family and home and jobs. Galactic and 3D. 

Melanie got married today!
God bless Ryan. Thy will be done. Forgive me for trying or hoping for his consciousness to open. It's open as it is supposed to be for now. Just love him. And give him space and most importantly, love YOU.

If I'm meant to have a partner, I will draw him in vibrationally. In the meantime, enjoy the ride! I love you!

ps. I have a cold today. I took some alka-seltzer an hour and a half ago and it's kicking in. 
I did a coffee enema today for the first time in a long time.
Talked to Rosemary and MPd Bean and Anne-Marie. Worked from home.
Researched Ireland.... a lot. Here's what I'm dreaming up:

Ryan's family is from County Mayo.

We'll see what happens. Ireland in May with Ryan? My dousing rocks say May, not April. 

Magic

A magical and beautiful day. I woke up with hope and happiness. There were a couple bumps but Ryan and I eventually made it to the Body, Mind, Spirit Celebration and although our massage was cancelled, we had our auras read. It was a very good experience. Ryan's is so beautiful - green and blues. Mine is still red. I have a lot of stress in my body. I need to learn to relax. God sent me an angel named Lyra who helped me find a pendulum friend - bloodstone. And a heart stone... I wanted one to wear. She suggested tigers eye for work and rainbow obsidian for life. Perfect. We just had a really good time. Ryan had some energy work by the Japanese people - I forgot what it was called. He bought us churros to share when we were done and dinner at Red Robin - burgers and fries and mile-high-mud-pie. I was happy to be with him. I'm grateful for this opportunity and call ...

Oh man, I almost forgot - Roland! I tried to force a session with Roland on Ryan but Roland called me out on my pushiness and showed me that Ryan has to want it. It brought up a good conversation about what Roland does - address past wounding, etc. And Ryan shared about wanting to leave sleeping dogs lie (maybe not that term, but maybe). In the end, I had a powerful mini-session and a powerful purge/cry. Roland brought me to my young self (I found myself in Uncle Jim & Aunt Brenda's basement desperately trying to get people to pay attention to me)....and helped me to connect with myself... to go see her and hold her and tell her I loved her and show her I saw her. I got caught up in the mental mind some, but I also had some breakthroughs and crying and Roland helped me a lot. And helped me see how I was pushing Ryan and helped me see how I was looking outside of myself for what I wanted/needed when it's always within. That was the message all the intuitives and speakers and everything kept saying... that is my message... Ryan has been saying it too. I need to hear please!!

STOP LOOKING OUTSIDE OF MYSELF... EVERYTHING COMES FROM WITHIN! (Answers, understanding, love, attention, affection, peace, connection... everything.) So BE with ME.

Dating

Dating: I saw how it was... I saw what happened...I saw how I reacted... and I didn't like it one bit.

Thank you God for this experience. How I compromised my values, how I got swept away by lust, how it lit up my addiction center, and how it tried to destroy me. No. 

I don't want to date.
I don't want to be with Ryan.
I want to be with ME. 
I want to spend time doing healthy and wholesome activities (like ecstatic dancing, breathwork, yoga, working out, meditation, reading). 
I want to get right with myself.
This was an important experience and great reminder. Don't forget. 

Yesterday God gave me a prophesy stone, danburite, and a heart shaped unity quartz.

PROPHECY STONE

KEY WORDS Grounding spiritual Light in the physical self and the world, seeing prophetic visions 

CHAKRAS Soul Star (8th), Crown (7th), Third Eye (6th), Earthstar (below the feet) 

ELEMENT Earth 

PHYSICAL Clears the body of excess energy, removes energy

blockages 

EMOTIONAL Allows one to feel the Earth's joy at receiving spiritual Light 

SPIRITUAL Aids one in Earth healing, stimulates capacity of prescience. 

PROPHECY STONE is a rare and odd stone found in the Sahara desert.

Danburite is a very high vibrational stone that activates and aligns one's heart and crown chakras together. This unique channel allows one the ability to process any emotions with a clear and conscious mind, while also raising one’s decision making ability. Simply wearing or carrying this stone will help reduce one’s stress levels and provide comfort in difficult and confusing times. Danburite pushes one to reach resolution, whether it be with themselves or others. The connection between one’s mind and heart will assist you in only absorbing positive energy. One will become more in touch with themselves and the energy around them. This unique trait will help one build a better understanding of negative energies and how to avoid them. Danburite helps one truly embody and understand the meaning of “peace of mind”.

How perfect!!

Deleting his name...this post used to be the name of the guy I dated briefly

OMG. I just video chatted with Johnny for 2hrs 27 minutes. It started with me crying because I love Ryan so much. (I cried for 45 minutes when I got home because I love and miss Ryan and Ryan talked to me for 40 minutes or so and was very kind and pretty much just told me to suck it up and heal ... and I confessed to him that I might go on a date tomorrow and how I was in touch with someone that I met and he seemed to just go along with it - like "you're gonna do what you're gonna do". I don't know if it was earlier in the conversation or not but he invited me to come over and see the project he was working on - the carport or lean to and we both said we'd like that. We got off the phone with heartfelt "I love you"s. We freaking love eachother. Why can't we have a physical connection?

And with Johnny, there is a powerful sexual connection. He knows he's sexy and flaunts it. He says he hasn't had sex or kissed a woman in 3 years. But we just had this energy and he started masturbating... I could just tell. And he said "what?" and I said "I know what you're doing" and he played dumb for a minute and then he told me to take off my sweatshirt and he wanted to see my neck and collarbone and shoulder. He made me feel like a woman. I flushed and I did what he said and I liked that energy. And we both were in it....and it was hot and he showed me him rubbing his cock and he wanted to see my nipples and we did this for a bit and he told me to masturbate and I did and it was a whole thing, but ultimately he came. He is a giver in bed. He told me about all the ways he wants to do that. But he's adamant about having coffee and I don't think it's safe, but it probably is and he said if I don't then he'll show up at my work or home or talk to Ryan and he doesn't want me to talk to Ryan and he said he'd say all these fucked up things about me wanting him in my mouth, blah blah. Anyway... it was all pretty sexual. Pretty base. And he doesn't seem very smart. Like he's got something wrong... maybe brain fog... we laughed a bit though and said "game on" at the same time about the Bills vs. Dolphins. I don't know. It doesn't seem sustainable. It might be fun, but I don't want to get energetically tied to him or anyone. I need to heal myself. But he's got very sexual energy. We have that connection. The astrology apps say that too. My plumb line said I should explore it. I don't know. I should take him to the Body Mind Spirit thing too maybe. But then Ryan won't want to go. Ryan won't want anything to do with me after I date Johnny (whose birth name was Johnathan Something Allen Dunn.... maybe David Allen?)... anyway...he IS "intense". But I like Ryan's brains. And I'm analytical. I don't want a hookup. I want a life. Johnny likes to hike and explore. But I don't see myself with him long-term. I think sex his MO. 

Anyway... I need to sleep. I still feel the tingles. What do you want to teach me, God?

Just read this on FB

I think Johnny would treat me with respect. Mostly. But he won't save me from himself. He doesn't smoke which is amazing. He wants to cuddle and have foreplay and is a giver in bed. He's got great tats. Angh. We'll see what happens when we meet. 

___

10:04 am. Lots of tears and clearing. Dreams with Johnny. Feel so much spiritual aliveness. Walk in the Way.

2/22

 2/22 was a hard day. Currently it's 1:17am on 2/23. I've been talking with Ryan for many hours. We have decided that we should not continue to pursue a relationship. He is not attracted to me which is a major player to him. He thinks I'm fat (I am). I need to get healthy for myself. And it will be easier when I can focus on myself. We will continue to be friends but he won't go with me to Durham on Saturday or to the BodyMindSpirit Expo on Sunday. But he wants to keep caring for my animals. It's confusing. We love each other but we're just not right for one another. And that needs to be okay. I feel like a failure. And he's right about all my masculine energy and my push/pull energy. I need to get right with myself. I want to fulfill MYSELF.

I put it all out there with Johnny too... shared the crazy dating profile and my weight and missing teeth. And he didn't respond. He sent me a sexy picture of himself, but he's fishing for sexy pictures of me. That's not what I want. He's not what I want. I need ME.

But I'm free to date. And I might. But mostly I just need to take care of me. Make good choices for myself. Don't let sugar and carbs and crap trick me. I want to nourish my body. Let my food be my medicine. Meat is my food and medicine. That's all. And exercise. And breathe and stretch and sleep and cry and read and love yourself. 

____

I feel the relief in Ryan. He seemed lighter. We were living out of alignment. I was trying to force something. I wasn't that attracted to him anymore either. He is super overweight and his smoking is disgusting and his swearing is disgusting and he's often so selfish and mean. But we had a good talk. Lots of honesty and I hope we will both learn from it and grow. And we'll move on. And that's that. And hopefully stay friends. 

He said that I did something he didn't think it was possible to do, but I loved him like his dogs did. And I know it's not true - that I couldn't love perfectly and innocently and unconditionally - but I sure did try. And I sure did forgive him a lot. And I kept hoping. But it's gotten too toxic and it was tearing me down and wearing me down. I am grateful to God for the strength and "dark arts training" that I had. And for the record, I want to pray for happiness, health and goodness for Ryan (and I). God bless him, please. And me too. Please help me to heal and to do the right thing. Whatever that is.

Dating profile

Here was my first profile draft... Ammi mentioned that less is more...give them something to discover...

"My name is Carissa. I’m a lover of life and enjoy spending time with my loved ones (especially my animal family). I enjoy adventure and exploration as well as staying home, cuddling and nesting. I’m apparently getting old because walking dogs and board games sounds more fun to me than a night out on the town (though that’s fun now and then too!). 

I’m a Libra Sun, Aquarius Moon, and Virgo Rising. I love to ponder and process spiritual matters and have explored many religions and mindsets - I consider myself to be a consciousness explorer and polarity integrator. I like to laugh and have fun and I like to read and learn and grow. It’s important to me to spend time with people who value the same. The more I learn, the less I know.

What I bring to the table: Positivity, encouragement, service, kindness, faith, hope & love. 

Let me just air some of my dirty laundry and get it out of the way: I’m a people-pleaser in recovery. I love too easily and will give myself away because I think it will make my partner happy. I’ve learned that backfires and I become codependent and play out the same unhealthy drama over and over. I want to break that cycle. I want to prioritize myself and practice setting and keeping emotional boundaries (for my sake, but mostly for the sake of my beloved - I want to meet my forever love and am committed to success.)

I want to share my life with another. I want to hold space for my partner’s healing and growth and hope for the same. We can’t change or fix another… we can only do that for ourselves, but being with someone who holds space as a compassionate witness is a game changer and I want to be that for someone too.

My health is important to me and I’d like to be a part of a couple where movement and intentional eating is on the forefront. Right now my body is happiest when I am eating primarily meat. Sounds weird but it’s true. Unfortunately now and then I “fall off the wagon”, but I get back on. 

I am grateful for wonderful friends and family, but my heart yearns to find my person - someone I can love and dote on who wants to do the same."

Facebook required only 500 characters so I distilled it down to:

Lover of life! I enjoy adventure & exploration as well as staying home, cuddling & nesting. I’m apparently getting old because walking dogs & board games sounds more fun to me than a night out on the town (though that’s fun now and then too!). I’m a Libra Sun, Aquarius Moon, and Virgo Rising. I love to ponder and process spiritual matters. What I bring to the table: positivity, encouragement, service, kindness, compassionate witnessing. I like to laugh, learn, work, play and grow. 

_____

I'm sad about Ryan, I wrote this earlier but have much more to feel into. 

- nope, email thoughts never came through - 

I hung his beautiful flowers to dry. "Hanging it up with Ryan." Sad. 

Today's AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Vesica_Pisces

Yesterday after talking to Johnny, I got this one. 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Maria_Orsic

I wonder if he's got some sort of Nazi thing going on? I will ask him about his tattoos... I saw something at the gym on one of those TVs about a guy who had a swastica tattoo. Johnny mentioned about having tattoos so I thought I should ask him. 

144 emails.
This is the second time I have emailed myself something and it hasn't come through. 

Basically I have been trying so dang hard for a year to make it work with Ryan and he doesn't want it and if a part of him does, he sabotages it. This Facebook Dating is giving me people who have jobs and want to share a life with someone. I could choose a life of peace and not hardship and I think that's what God wants for me and that I want for myself. 

I'm glad to be friends with Paul and everyone in my life. I hope Ryan and I can be friends. But I have to let him go ... time to stop hoping. 

____

Saw 144 a couple times today and 21/11:12 and 4:44 and others. I'm supported. But sad but accepting and choosing to move on. Had cries and therapy with Jennifer. Nicole yelled at me that I'm ...something nice... and it made me cry. Her power. And I need to remember who I AM and that I AM beautiful. I need to come back to remembering the good I am and learning how to create relationships and boundaries that honor that. 

I still have a sliver of hope about Ryan ...but it's fizzling. And it does help to talk to others. I'd say I'll miss him, but it became more and more rare to have an honest and open-hearted talk with him. Ironically I see how he was constantly spinning the tale that I am bad, stupid, wrong, dumb, etc. He said I was the spinner and maybe I was trying to spin us back to peace, hope, and love. Either way, he said it from the getgo...he's too damaged to have a relationship. I don't think I am. I love to work on myself all the time, so working on myself while also working on a relationship sounds good to me. But I need to pick the right guy. And that's not going to happen overnight. I need boundaries. No sex. And I need lots of "me time". I feel great when I go to the gym. (I went again today. It was a good day. Lazy morning in the sunbeams with the dogs, brunch with Jannelle at the Guilded Pear where I told her the truth about how I don't feel like she's there for me. Even today I was trying to tell her about my broken heart and she made a weird joke... she didn't like to feel the discomfort so that's her way of coping and that needs to be okay. I'm glad we were able to talk through it. And then work for a few hours... great talks with Jennifer. Helped Marshall at the Livestock Arena. Gym. Walked the dogs in the lovely sunlight. Just lovely all around!!

Tonight I'm going to get a pool noodle, no-weigh Wednesday Sweet Frog, and watch "The Last Unicorn". God-willing. 

Catch Up

I shouldn't have been lazy about journaling the last few days. I have been... it's been so up and down with Ryan, as usual. He gets mad at me, gets moody, criticizes and is mean and then comes back around and is nice for a bit and then the cycle continues. I have been clinging to this battle, feeling like it meant that he liked me on some level....loved me on some level... but in the last few days...even though we've had some lovely times, he's made it clear that he may like to be my friend and would like to be friends with benefits... but I am not a priority. He says "I'm not your dude".... and he's right. The other day I had a heart discomfort (probably a transit) and it scared me and he didn't care about me and wouldn't come back with me. The next day he told me that he thinks of me as the little boy who cried wolf and a hypochondriac. He doesn't respect my experiences at all.  And I remember when I had that anaphylactic shock thing in the middle of the night at his house and he didn't even take me to the hospital, I had to drive myself. Reflecting now I think that I wasn't trying to force him too because it felt like time was of the essence and it would have taken him a long time to get up and get ready. 

In general he is lazy. He has had so much time off lately and the last two days in particular.... he spent an hour or two looking at Steve's stuff yesterday to get a quote, and today he helped his dad for a couple hours maybe. But he doesn't even get up until almost noon. No ambition. And he certainly doesn't have extra bandwidth to take care of a woman. And he resents my spirituality and especially ES. It's just not good. But I still keep hoping... kept hoping.

The other day he thought I caught him on Facebook dating so he confessed it. He says he would have told me anyway and that he was mad because he doesn't understand technology, but he spins everything. And he finally said that he can see how he could have owned up a bit more to the "Plenty of Fish" dating/cheating thing. So a little movement... but anyway... he had the Plenty of Fish thing and the Tinder thing and now the Facebook Dating thing. He doesn't see how clicking on Tinder was a problem...he was just checking it out and only looked at 3 profiles... and the Facebook Dating thing started itself.... and he was wiping for a long time in the bathroom from anal leakage...he wasn't on his phone... blah blah...lies. The next day he brought me his phone and said I could look through it, but that was after he cleaned it up.

I don't care. He's a porn-addicted sad human. He would still do drugs if he could find them. He has not chosen to address his issues or past. He is mean and has a rotting core from unhealed wounds and trauma. I loved him for a year.... I tried for a year. I learned so much. But it's finally time to let him go. 

So I got on Facebook dating yesterday. Tonight I had a long talk with a guy named Johnny who was nice but he lives far away and ALSO lives in a camper. He's also not "awake", but he says he's a "life coach" and he does sound fun. We don't have great long-term compatibility according to TimePassages but it sounds like we have some good work we could do together according to The Pattern. 

It might be fun to date other people, I guess. But also it makes me kind of want to hole up. So... we'll see. I love my boys and my home and my horse and chickens and job and friends.

Focus on that.
I hope Ryan can be my friend. But we'll see. He will hate that I'm dating although he has blessed it a couple times. He's conflicted in himself. 

But he's not kind or respectful to me anymore. Ryan always said if you lose even one of Communication, Respect, or Trust, then the relationship is done. He never respected me (or tore me down... in some moments of softness I know that part of him does see and respect me...but he sabotages it.) And we lost trust with the lies...and he doesn't even know he's lying a lot. Sometimes he does, but he's just not fully conscious... but he's getting there. I'm not fully conscious either. Ah, God, you know I love him. But I do want to be with someone who wants to build a beautiful life together. 

God, please bless and care for my friend. Please help him to be well...to get well... to find truth and happiness. Protect him and guard and guide him. 

So Johnny lives in Louisburg. He said he wants to take me on a date to Hanging Rock and the Asheville Zoo. Sounds really fun. And he likes hiking and has handyman skills and is a car salesman (red flag!)... and it sounds like he's trying to start over. Ah. yeah. He's not the one either, but would it be fun to date? But how can I keep my pants on? I want to save myself for my partner/husband... I make ties by having sex with people. So... yeah. I need to get clear about boundaries. 

Just take it slow, Carissa. Be with me. 

___

So crazy. A week after one of the best Valentine's Days of my life. 
Ryan could be my everything. But he doesn't want me and I need to hear that and let go. But part of me thinks maybe I just need to be more patient. But another part of me says I'm being stupid.. respect his wishes. So...do me. Focus on my wants. I want to be in a loving relationship. That isn't available with Ryan. He has spent 2-3 nights here in the last 7 months. He doesn't love or want me. Hear it. See it. Someone might. 

I DO.

Predator Consciousness

I wrote this post for ESF on February 8th but never sent it. I ended up having a divine conversation with Misha that I think helped clear this for now, but I did want to keep it documented here in my personal journal.

____

This year (January-February 2024) I have been inundated with predator consciousness that lives in or through me. I don’t like it. It’s very hard to witness.

It wants to feed on or gaze on or think on sexual acts with everyone - including children. It wants to judge and size up and get eyefuls of people’s bodies.

I respond by turning away, trying to think of something else, saying I’m GSF, and observing this process.

Would it go away if I just give it what it wants? NO! That’s the hook, trick, addiction builder, cord maker, monster.

I have a monster living in/through me.

Strangely, I am echoing my sentiments and experience from early 2020. (I'll try to find the post.) Have I opened the door to let this beast back in or is another layer being peeled away? Whatever it is, I don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable and feel bad and it doesn’t feel like me, but it’s using my body to try to experience what it wants (lust, I guess). I wonder if maybe it's an ancestral/genetic project that needs to be cleared from my bloodline that my soul signed up to work on? Whatever it is, I hate it. Feels better/safer to be in a female body while addressing this stuff, but it does feel to be a male mental body distortion. 

One of the previous ESF members wrote a book where she shared about how she could feel her father's predatory energy. I might be misquoting or misremembering, but I think this is the same thing that is trying to exist through my being. Is it from a hole in my lightbody? Is it coded in my genetics? 

I am weaker right now from:

1. Whatever is going on in the ethers... my consciousness feels to be split and off working on some other stuff somewhere. I'm not privvy to where it is, but I sense lots of warring and shadows in my field. I have also sensed a tremendous amount of liquid plasma light moving through my body which provides comfort and hope. Physical ascension or pathcutting symptoms are back in full-effect this year (after a reprive last year). 

2. Working with a challenging relationship (which I alluded to in my previous post) where I keep compromising myself, so that doesn't help. 

3. I interacted with a black magician in early January who I think could have triggered some of this creepy energy. I met a guy online last year through an astrology app and thought we would be friends like my ESF friends who discuss spiritual matters. Our conversation fizzled last fall when he was in Australia but for some reason in January while he was visiting his home in New Delhi, India he popped back up. (India! Interesting!) Anyway, within a couple days I saw that he was a sexual predator and cut it off, but before I did, it got its hooks in me for a few hours. Did that trigger this or is it just DRT timing for all this to be felt?

I can’t say for sure but I suspect I’m Ruby coded (inversions or organic, I don’t know) so all the Ruby stuff that is coming up may be related. I haven’t had the bandwidth to follow the narrative the way I used to, but it feels related.

There is a war over my consciousness and person. I am asking for Guardian support, guidance, protection, entity removal, restoration and anything else that is for the good of God/Christ/Unity/One (including lil ole me) that I don’t know to ask for.

Thank you for compassionately witnessing this mess. It's horrible and I look/sound like a horrible person, but I wonder how many people have this kind of energy that tortures them subconsciously and feeds their shame and keeps them hiding? I have to drag the darkness to the light so it can be seen. I have to call it out. I don't have to be ashamed because it's not me or mine - and truly it is a gift that I have the clarity to observe it.

Goodness

It's 11:44 now. I saw 11,333.11 and 1:11 and 3:33 today too.

Ryan is squishy and soft and kind today. We had a nice gorgefest at Robin's Nest's 30th Anniversary (barf). Tomorrow we'll scratch the 815 Grill itch and then get back to the diet. I feel like a marshmellow. Not good for my body.

We are watching Marvel movies and it's fun.
We had great sexy time tonight... sex and all. 
A dream of a Valentine's Day yesterday.... Ryan surprised me with a dozen roses, teddy bear, chocolates, 2 cards, and a tile framed photo of Moses & Sunny. He also helped with Sioux's new round bale and we had a tout to Durham. We went to Duke Gardens for a brief visit and walked around American Tobacco and ate at Mellow Mushroom and went to the "Durham LoveRaiser" at DPAC (and saw the Paperhand Puppet Intervention's "Where Our Spirits Reside") and got to enjoy the President's Suite. It was really nice. I love adventuring with Ryan.

Today he shared his feelings with me and also had feelings about sharing those feelings. He is softening. When he's kind and we're good...at peace... in unity... I'm content. 

I have a codependency issue though because when he's not at peace, then I'm generally not either. 

But we're at peace now. And I'm tired as all get out and still need a shower and its almost midnight.

I love you Carissa.

Jesus

I was thinking about how Jesus is the placeholder for people…someone who unconditionally loves them, who is with them always, who always sees them and hears their thoughts. It’s the I AM that WE ARE …the partner and parent figure that we yearn for to see and love us. This gives us confidence and hope. Jesus is a placeholder for our Unity consciousness… our God consciousness WE ARE.

Now

Now....when we are "broken up" or "no-name" or "no-commitment" or whatever we are, NOW Ryan wants to watch movies with me? We watched "Guardians of the Galaxy" the other night and "Guardians of the Galaxy 2" tonight as well as "Blades of Glory" (I think that's what it was called with Will Farrell). We ate pizza (from Forgetaboutit) after a day of going to the State Surplus auction and scoping it out and bidding on a truck and losing and learning and exploring... it was super fun. And we went to Costco and to acupuncture appointments with Dr. Qiu. Ryan's first. And it really helped me... I could feel the chi balancing and regulating. 

Lots to unpack with Ryan and learning by feeling Scott and Le'Anna's rift. 

Really need to relax more. Dr. Qiu mentioned that too. I need to do much more relaxation.  I feel stressed. Before all that with Ryan I took care of my animals and I went to work for a couple hours. And now it's midnight and I just got home and have to work on Malai applications. (Earlier today I posted a video and sent the Valentine's day menu. I still need to do Valentine's Social media too! Gah!)

#overwhelmed #toomuch #loveitwhenryanandiareinunityandhavingfun 

He held his very bright flashlight for me and the doggies as we were walking home ... all the way. And then we did some light flashing back and forth to each other and he sent me "I love you" in Morse Code. Super sweet. 

And he was looking at my slider to fix it today...and thinking about fixes for my sink. He is taking good care of me. So maybe I don't need the label and if that takes the pressure off so he's not angry, resentful, and mean...maybe that's okay. I need to learn to relax and go with the flow. 

God will send me who is supposed to be in my life. He sent me Ryan. I love him and am having an educational and growth spirited relationship... it may not be what I think I want, but it may be just what I need. 

We are supposed to go the the Durham Love Fest or something to see the Paperhand Puppet Intervention show that we never got to see in August or September ...we're going to see it at DPAC on Wednesday for Valentine's Day. I'm excited.

____

Since it's still 2/13, I'll keep writing on this post. I wrote the part above after midnight last night. Now it's 11:24pm but I wanted to share my notes from today. I voice journaled about it a little more thoroughly but I wanted to share what I wrote to Ryan... and then more importantly is what I wrote to myself...what I identified in myself after sending it... 

I sent to Ryan:

Oh Ryan, you cannot be mad at me for talking to other friends. I mean, you CAN, but it sure doesn’t make sense. 🌸

YOU don't want to have a committed relationship with me. You told me you “release me” (which, for the record, and you know this, I don't want because I love YOU). 

You have alluded to the possibility that maybe one day you might change your mind and have invited me to wait and see. (And I was doing that - waiting and seeing - waiting for God to light my path). But the fact remains that you have chosen to sever our commitment for the time being.

So what’s this? You don’t want ME but you still want to control who I talk to or am friends with? 

I realize you don't consider Paul a "friend" to me because he has taken advantage of me so much. (I don’t know if I do either.) But I forgive him and am holding space for his (personal) revelation and repair of selfishness. 

(Note: I hold similar space for you. You aren't perfect, but I focus on your good qualities and our positive experiences. I forgive and forget the stuff that doesn't serve our growth and unity.)

Anyway, I agreed not to talk to Paul when you asked me not to from the context of our relationship. (Regardless of whether I agreed or not - I wanted and planned to out of respect for you.) HOWEVER when you told me you don't want to be in a relationship with me, it sure seems like that stipulation would no longer apply.

Part of who I AM is someone who cares about other people, even to a fault. I am trying to practice boundaries and speaking up for myself. The way to practice is in the context relationships with others (coworkers, friends, etc). As a single person (per YOUR desire), I make my own choices and respond to my own responsibilities. So if someone talks to me, I feel it is my responsibility to talk back. (I know someone else who thinks it’s rude to be ignored.)

Long story short, if you only want to be friends with me, you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t talk to. 

I think it’s shitty for you to do that if/when we were boyfriend-girlfriend too, but it is/was an opportunity for me to practice trust and surrender. I failed a lot at it because of my willfulness and I’m sorry that I messed up and I’m especially sorry I hurt you and didn’t show you the respect you deserve. 

Anyway, I hope you will be okay if you’re mad or sad. I don’t want that.

I have always had a good number of friends and I like it that way. You are my favorite friend and I hope we will be able to continue our adventure. 

Please feel and process your feelings about this. I can see you needing to punish me by shutting down communication, but please don’t do that internally. God bless you beautiful Ryan. You are a brave soul to face all this hard stuff. You got this!

I’m hurt and confused and working through it myself.

❤️‍🩹

 (Here's the draft of it.... some different stuff... it maybe flowed better before I got in there to start manipulating it to sound nicer:

Dude, you cannot be mad at me for talking to friends. You CAN, but it's dumb. You don't want to have a committed relationship with me and you pretty much told me to date other people (which I don't want because you know that I love YOU, but you are telling me that you don't want me (like that)... but still keeping the door open in case you change your mind.) I see and get all that, but it's not right or fair. I realize you don't consider Paul a "friend" to me because he has taken advantage of me so much. But I forgive him and am holding space for his (own) revelation and repair of what drives that. (It's what I do. I hold that same space for you. You aren't perfect, but I focus on your good qualities and our positive experiences. I forgive and forget the stuff that doesn't serve our growth and unity.)

I care about Paul and want him to be well and happy. I want that for all beings. 

I respect you and would not talk back to him if you asked me not to in the context of a loving relationship. (Regardless of whether I agree or not - just out of respect for you.) But when you told me you don't want to be in a relationship with me, you'd think you were also dropping that stipulation. 

Part of who I AM is someone who cares about other people, even to a fault. I am trying to practice boundaries and speaking up for myself. The way to practice is in the context relationships with others (coworkers, friends, etc)

I wrote to myself:

I have a lying/spinning problem. I try to spare people's feelings and try to make situations work for everyone. I don't say it like it is....it's people pleasing but it leads to inauthenticity. How can I practice radical truth? Do what feels good and right. Be tapped into my own truth and reality and then live from there.

I want to talk to who I want to talk to. I don't want to be spoken to rudely. I'm my own person. I want to share my life and space and joy and love with someone who wants to do the same.

I like Ryan's attention, humor, talent, company and subconsiously my trauma bond messed up child wound likes the challenge of trying to earn his affection. That is NOT healthy. (The first part is, the second part is not.)

____

We watched Dr. Strange today and there was a good amount that resonated as "spiritual truth" in that movie that moved me to tears. 

Ryan seems to have some telepathic skills coming online. 

He has so much potential and is so beautiful but if I keep enabling him and don't allow him to self-discover, then it's no good. We all have to do our own work. 

It was strange that Paul sent me that Dr. Strange YouTube link and Ryan and I were talking about it yesterday or the day before - that we wanted to watch it....synchronicities. Lots with Paul. 

Anyway... so many lessons. 

Misha and Ryan

Talking to Misha… God was with us - divine appointment to see and feel and learn so much. I won’t remember it all but we talked about predator consciousness which helped me to process and understand it deeper… this is caused from breaches in our light body. Most people have these breeches and they live out the things the predator or other consciousness tells them to do, thinking it’s them and it feels good in a way but since it’s not aligned with their true God/Krystic soul it causes cognitive dissonance and sometimes…often…dissociation and the subconsciousness and cross-spirals create subconscious shame which bleeds through to conscious self in the form of self-hatred which perpetuates the behavior which they now think is theirs.

Deep truths especially came through while sitting on my rock friend.

We talked about alters and multiple personalities and desires for unity and …so much. I need to breathe. My vein is popping more after that conversation. I felt the liquid plasma light come through when we started talking. Feels like activations and support. We need to help keep each other accountable to shielding.

Tomorrow the Year of the Dragon starts. Maybe tonight. I think it’s tonight. 

____

Well Ryan and I just got back from a nice date at Everest Kitchen (he ate 33 Mo-Mos!!!). We had a good time and he confessed about having an anger problem, which was amazing. He won’t own the “abuse”… he makes fun of me for saying it and says he wants nothing to do with me if I perceive us as having an abusive relationship. He holds to the accusation that I am a liar… citing examples of my backpeddling when we have an argument. Which I do do, to try to keep the peace and something I need to work on. I need to stick to my guns.

We talked about our relationship some - hesitantly and scattered over the evening but in the end, as he was leaving, he made the Pope sign thing and “blessed” me being “on the market”. Which hurts - because I spelled out that I wanted to be with him but I know he’s not attracted to me and we talked about how I knew he was holding onto it hoping that something might change, but we’re going in the opposite direction. Less attraction, less connection. (Though we had a really nice time last night - blow job for him, but I got so turned on and he did rub me a little.) <— but he’s not attracted to me so he doesn’t “give” much there.)

Anyway, I told him that I long to have a loving relationship with someone who wants to love me back and that’s not him at this point. That I hope that will change in the future, but I am getting old. So he “blessed” me being on the market and I guess we are officially broken up. I told him I didn’t want to sleep together until I was married… but I might. Just after a LONG courtship. 

I’m sad because I really love him. And he is SO good to me. I spend much time daily thinking about what a blessing he is in my life. What a beautiful home he’s given me and how nice it is to have him in my life. I look forward to seeing him every day. But he no longer wants to do the diet with me. He wants to take diet pills. And he would love to do drugs if he could find them. He was exited I got him the Narcan. That says a lot. Remember how he robbed me of the benzos? And he says he’s always looking for chocolate and stuff I hide here. So who knows what he’s up to. He’s a substance abuser and addict and glorifies drug addiction and doesn’t care about his health. I THINK and HOPE that it’s not true, but I should believe what he tells me and the fact that he’d love to get his hands on … I can’t remember if he said heroin or crack or whatever…. That’s scary. But he HAS pot and maybe some mushrooms that I got from Le’Anna at his house and I don’t think he’s doing that. He might be. And he’s interested in acupuncture and mentioned a therapist but isn’t necessarily taking action to get one. 

Anyway, it takes the pressure off. He can go on Tinder and those apps and do what he wants. He minimizes it… “I just swiped 3 people…. They were out of my league”….etc. But someone that is in a relationship and wants to be monogamous doesn’t do that. He is showing me who he is. Believe it. He outright lied to my face that he would never cheat on me and then went home and asked that lady on a date. He says he didn’t believe she was real, but he hoped she was. Now I wish I had continued with it and made him meet her at BoJangles. Gah!

This isn’t the kind of partner you want, Carissa. You deserve someone who values you and is strong and wants to be a good leader and that wants to foster growth and healing in all their relationships. Is it my imagination or has Ryan said he’s too far gone, he’s a lost cause or too broken? I didn’t and don’t want to believe that…and I don’t want to believe it about myself either. I want hope for a beautiful and loving partnership. 

Today is the new moon in Aquarius. Feels like a turning point. And the Year of the Dragon begins tonight… so… yeah… I want to be with someone who values - not ridicules - me. 

He’s immature, inexperienced, and has super low self-esteem. God, please bring him through this… show him the Way. And me too. 

Amen.

Eagles and Stalkers

Saw two bald eagles fly over as I left my work. 

Rosemary gave me a legit admonishment that I may have an entity and that she sees a restraining order in my future unless I let Ryan go. There is an addiction there - to him, to drama. She sees it and so do I. 

Why won't I let myself be loved? Why do I cling to this story and hope that Ryan will change and love me right one day?

___

Songs that came up as signs:

Part problem-  I sure was. So heel myself.

Million dreams -  I have a million dreams I do… I do. Dreaming for joy, happiness, kindness, peace in unity with a divine beloved.

No man’s land - so now it’s time to be without a man for a while. Love on myself.

_____

Yesterday's AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Sexual_Scams

And today I got: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Genital_Plugs

Dealing with - observing a lot of Sexual Misery programming in and through me. 

______

Rosemary sent me the most helpful and wonderful forum post today too. Super resonant:

https://esfoundations.com/forum/clearing-negative-ego-shadow-and-fear/1699-exploitation-of-uncleared-trauma-mental-anxiety-core-self-stabilization#10557

Paul called today hoping for some help - gave him Joe Machney's email.

These are the three articles in the one above:

https://energeticsynthesis.com/index.php/resource-tools/blog-timeline-shift/3468-exploitation-of-unstable-minds

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Mental_Anxiety

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Recovering_Core_Self

___

I need to read them again. And I need to breathe a lot more. 

___

Note to self via email yesterday:

Love myself.

Grateful for Cliff’s love and protective instincts. Ryan will not change and I deserve and should choose better for myself. We need a clean break. It’s whiddling away at my self esteem.

I need to choose warm water and beef. And heal my gut and mind and heart.

Stress, fungus?, calcium 

Wheat and sugar and crap make me feel bad physically and mentally 

Heal.
Breathe.

______

Note, I do not consent to a demon or SPE or entity of any sort. I am a lover and believer and hoper and need to learn to be still and let God work. I need to learn to listen and be kind and practice boundaries. This is my greatest practice field.

_____

Went to HWY 55 with Ryan - grateful for the adventure, his first time, but food wasn't great. We are both flushed - red in face and body - what is that? I have itchy skin on chest and high anxiety too. We were pleasant to each other but it's just not fun and fancy free. He holds back. Did I tell you that he said he likes me and he loves me (but we know he says he loves me, he's just not IN LOVE with me). I want to be happy and in love. Also, he mumbles all his words and slurs them together and gets mad when people can't understand him. And every other word out of his mouth is an F-bomb... his swearing is starting to grate on me. I don't want to be like that. I'm glad I'm able to see. And we hugged an awkward hello and goodbye....it's just not free-flowing and joyous. 

I need to be focusing on myself and the things I need and want to do - self-care, meditation, reading, etc. HEALING.

Break my addiction to drama (and Ryan). Focus on calming my nervous system. Peace and love.

Ryan doesn't have good role models or choose to seek out any mentors to help him grow, learn, heal. He thinks he knows it all already. Do I? No, but yes in some ways. So see my own ego and keep my eyes on myself and my energy to myself and don't try to GET anything from anyone. Heal and seal my own lightbody and connect to my own higher source energy (like I suggested to Paul... do for myself). Thank you God for helping me.

First ES post in a long time

 ...started a Gold Journal:

Posted just now:

I see myself crawling in here, collapsing on the floor and just laying here breathing and waiting for the strength or wisdom that nudges and inspires me to share. I've been hiding - or maybe just trompsing around in the madness that is this plane (or timeline that I've created through poor choices?). I've exposed myself and damaged myself and I need to be still for a while and lick my wounds and wait for my heart to catch up. I'm dirty with confusion and sadness and other biwave residue. I have been playing out victim/victimizer and hero/savior stories as I tried to believe enough and love enough and suffer enough to *earn* true love and a divine counterpart to do life with. I have tried and tried, compromised and compromised (myself) unto depletion and forgetfulness of who I AM. I lie and make myself small and blind and weak so that he'll accept me...so that he could like me. I'm too crazy ("I won't be anymore, I'll be normal"), my beliefs are too out there ("I won't believe them anymore!")...etc. 

God is with me though. Always. I am GSF. I steward a beautiful nest filled with incredible gifts of love - amazing beings - doggies, trees, horse and chickens and I was blessed with the most amazing giant/chair-sized quartz rock that now adorns the base of a split-trunk pine named Unity. I weep with the goodness of God as I am held by and in my home, surrounded by protective krystic architecture.

We're still here friends. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your work. Thank you for this family of people/beings who are IN IT too. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you - I want to do better. I'm sorry for being the way I am... I am broken and selfish and narcissistic and egotistical and divided and tired and lost and sometimes found and doing the best I can even when it's not the best because I can do better but I don't because I long for the things of this world - I long to be loved and accepted and seen and not alone. And I'm not alone. I have the most amazing gifts of human friends, especially my ES sisters and brothers - I am abundantly blessed. I just forget and keep choosing the wrong thing...

I have chosen a tremendously abusive relationship... why? I have chosen to love (to a fault.... is it love?) someone who is so mean to me... speaks to me with such vitriol and calls me awful names and almost everything out of his mouth is to insult and push me away... to belittle me and make me feel small and stupid. I see his painbody feeding on me, trying to kick up some loosh to eat. Am I projecting or is it true that he has similar architecture to me (fallen tree/damaged and torn and defiled from trauma and poor choices). The empath/narcissist. And I saw how much doing personal work (and mostly Guardian & Lisa/ES & OmniLov3 clearings and support) helped ME to heal and move the needle....so I thought I could hold space for him to do that too. Ah-hem...hero savior anyone? So now we're living out victim/victimizer and I'm losing my neutral observer stance. I mean, seems like I lost neutrality a long time ago, but I have been watching this play out and for some reason not bailing...but it's feeling like close to time... the damage is getting to be too much. Or maybe I just need some space to recalibrate. We'll see. 

Thank you beloveds, my beloved family, my friends, my coworkers, my soulmates, my darlings. Thank you for reading with me and being here and doing what you're doing and going through all this too. It's a lot. But you are here. You are doing it. You are so brave and beautiful and strong and resilient and a jewel in the crown of God WE ARE. I don't want to go but I have to end this for now. Thank you for holding strong and being here with me, with us. Amen.

____

Talking to Cliff today and feeling his love helped me move the needle to start feeling and reaching out for help. I need to get off the crazy train with Ryan. He said he's not going to change. He doesn't know how to treat me or chooses not to treat me with respect or kindness. He says he doesn't love me and talks about all the things he doesn't like about me. Cliff says I deserve someone who loves me and treats me with kindness and believes that there is someone out there for me. At least that's what I took away from it. And I want that. I want peace, love, happiness, etc. UNITY. So... I have to end this charade with Ryan. 11 months is a long time to invest in something that is toxic.... and only getting worse. I still DO believe Ryan could change and grow, but it won't be because of anything I do...it's got to come from within himself. God bless him. I love him so much and I'm going to love him enough to let him go. And love myself enough to let him go. 

And take care of me. Warm water and chopped beef. I need to heal my body. I've gotten unbalanced and unhealthy and I want to restore myself. Prioritize me. Yes please.

____

Grateful for the tears and the feeling and the seeing. For my ESF share and for Ryan's repulsion at my touch. For Cliff's admonishment to BELIEVE what Ryan tells me and he's told me he's not interested, he doesn't love or like me. Everything I say triggers him. I cannot be myself in his presence. He blames me for everything and doesn't see his part. I accept blame, ask for apology and by doing that, he feels justified to only see my errors and double down to make me feel bad. On some level he knows and he has admitted this before. He said the Tinder ladies were out of his league, but I am out of his league. I am good and kind and smart and I have cooked for him for the past almost 3 months I've been so committed and maybe I'm just not remembering it as well as I should, but it doesn't feel like he said many "thank yous".... it was mostly complaints and just tolerating and often spitting out what I made. 

Paul is more of a kindred spirit - even as a taker - at least he wants to learn and talk and admit that he has things to work on. Ryan doesn't want to take because he doesn't want to owe... he pushes away and has sabotaged us. Or maybe it's just not meant to be and regardless, I am saved. He is not good enough for me. He isn't choosing the Way of kindness. He has generosity at his core, but he also has selfishness, trauma, and wants to be a hermit.

Nahko's "Part Problem" came on from God during my shower and I know that I am part of the problem with Ryan. I am not perfect and I am lucky to have had someone stick with me through all of my stuff too... my dissociation and dishonesty and so many feelings and drama and neediness. 

So I am blessed and maybe I won't be worthy of a partner, or maybe one will come around that will be able to tolerate those things and love me as I work on them. I feel like I've been very patient with Ryan's (long list of) areas of improvement - ego, anger, blame, pushing away being quite loud. Not to mention incredibly abusive language and behavior. 

It's time to value myself and care for myself and get back to ME!

Probably Over

After a nice conversation where Ryan was honest about not being attracted to me because I'm not feminine, etc...but wishing that he could change his mind... trying to... and maybe being in a platonic relationship... just good honest conversation... I ended up telling him about recording him and it set him off. I understand how he feels betrayed... it feels yucky for sure. But he made me delete all of them (which I eventually did on my phone - I wonder if I can get them back?) - but I don't need them. It feels bad. It all feels bad. The way he talks to me feels bad. We were talking about how I didn't want to be in an abusive relationship and he started laughing and doesn't think he is abusive at all. It's just sick and not okay and he doesn't know it and I've accepted it all along and Ryan DID listen to the part of that one recording where he was calling me a stupid moron, etc... yelling with such vitriol the ugliest things. I should have transcribed those things... and he said he stood by all of it. He thinks it's okay to talk to me like that. And he is taking his gate opener back. It's mine... not his. He wants to punish me. And he said he's going to kick out the doggie door that he put in today. (He was so sweet to put that in for the pups.) But he just swings from sweet to jerk.... and it's a sickness. And I have a sickness to keep staying with him. I told him today that I was trying to re-write my story of childhood pain and he said that I just need to buck up and belittled me from all my life having unmet needs to the person I am now and just said I need to just stop being the way I am, pretty much. And he may be right? It's after midnight and I still have to do the Malai emails and get some sleep and have work tomorrow all day so I have to go.... but it is what it is. 

I am ready if he's ready to let me go, I'm ready. He said to lose his phone number and that he was going to delete Telegram (again to punish me) and I am going to be fine with whatever comes. I'm tired. He isn't attracted to me. I could never turn attraction on toward Michael and as wonderful as I think he is, I don't think we were meant for each other and if that's the way it is with Ryan, so be it. 

I want to find someone who wants to be in a mutually loving relationship with me. I don't care for TV in the bedroom and am certainly not interested in smoking. I want someone who wants to learn and grow individually and together. That believes in healing and health and nature and spirit. Ryan speaks against me and the things I am interested in. He puts me down every chance he gets. He isn't the guy. 

He said it's a felony to record someone without their consent but it looks like in NC as long as one party is aware of it, it's okay. So let him sue me. I don't feel very bad about it - I wish I hadn't told him. I wish we could be honest about everything. I tricked him into telling me that he went on to a dating app and looked at 3 girls that were "out of his league". I'm not? Yeah. Forget this. I definitely am. He thinks he's hot in his face and he can be, but often he's ugly - his nastiness spews out of him. Sometimes he's handsome but I'm done telling him. He always just says thank you - never has anything nice to say to me. Only mean things and put-downs and criticisms. 

He says he's not meant to be in a relationship and if it's not me, it's no one. But he still looks for other people. I just need to focus on loving myself. There are lessons and he's got some truth and I will heal and see those things, but for now I can't trust him - he's not FOR me.... he's against me. Or his demons are. And that's that. 

I'm speaking from hurt and not authenticity. I'm tired. Do what you need to do and get some sleep Love.

Legitimately heading toward DONE

I feel it. I'm legitimately getting over Ryan and his shenanigans. I'm tired of the drama and his sensitive ego and narcissistic outbursts. I can no longer be myself... I can't share my thoughts or my day or my feelings - even about random, non-Ryan related stuff, because he will judge, shun, jab, make fun of, belittle, or be upset at me for something or other. Yesterday I marveled at how nice one of his corners came out and wondered why he didn't do that in another area (I don't even think I wondered that out loud... but somehow he deduced that I was asking him to change them). He flipped out and left and came back today and did change them and they look fantastic so it's worth it, but his fits are unwelcome. He had the ugliest energy all day - I was on pins and needles - unable to talk to him or look at him (feeling he would snap and yell at me)... I didn't get home until about 2:30 after 4 hours outside in the cold and I got my period today and my back and neck are hurting quite badly (I must have hurt it helping tag goats but I also got my period today). And I've been eating crap and I just feel bad. And all I wanted this weekend was to curl up and watch a movie with Ryan. But that's never been a thing - he doesn't do that with me. He doesn't like to curl up with me. He stinks, he's mean, everything is about him and on his terms. There is no cuddly or cozy or care. It is unhealthy, toxic, and hurtful and I am ready to be done. I think I want to go find someone else to distract me but I don't even have it in me to get to know someone else. My heart is sapped. I'm tired and hurt and I don't want anyone.... except my doggies and Sioux and cheekins and HOME. My rock and trees and all the Lovelies who surround and support me here. And that's all. 

I'm tired of Ryan O'Malley. He's not a nice person. I understand he is wounded and traumatized and his narcissism is a trauma response to debilitating shame and the way he protects himself from feeling too much because his lightbody is wide open - empath, maybe...sure... but blown up lightbody/aura/protection has him in sympathetic dominance at all times, being run by his demons and pain body. 

I want to tuck into ME and that's that. 

Forget the drama. I'm over it.

___

Talked to Corie for almost an hour and that helped... she reminded me how terrible it is to be married to someone who you weren't in step with... she and Jerry have a really hard time and I feel awful for them. There is no reason to force this with Ryan, but I keep trying like an idiot.

So I called him when we got off the phone to try to talk and work it out and we had a pretty good conversation until he hung up on me because I asked him what humility was. He believes women are supposed to be humble but men aren't, that it's not a masculine trait. He just can't communicate, he has to belittle and put down. He doesn't understand these things and when I told him some of my thoughts and feelings about it, he ran right over my words (about gentleness and humility being precious in the sight of God and how I prayed for that) and said I made it all complicated instead of just doing it. 

I think we both have a pride problem. We both definitely do. We are 74% alike according to The Pattern and I thank God for that insight. I am trying to heal myself and had made pretty good progress but this is the next level with him and maybe stupidity and I should probably stop wasting my energy on him, but I feel like when I hold space for him, I'm holding it for myself too. 

I remembered today that Tyrone was really hard - his outbursts and anxiety and anger were really tough on me and I have held onto this as though he was the victim of me, but it was hard on me too. So... I just need to have compassion for myself. I've been in lesson-land. Ryan is the hardest because I love him...or am trauma bonded to him....so much. Trying to re-write my story. Especially the one where "no body liked me" and trying to earn their like/love (especially my childhood classmates Cathleen Santarosa and Neesha Patel). I don't need to wait around for Ryan. He needs to figure life out. I AM ahead of him in many ways on my spiritual and psycho-emotional healing journey. He adamantly states that he doesn't want to do the work to heal - he just wants to move forward without reflection/looking back. So, that's his journey. God bless him. 

But God bless me. 
I need to put my energy into SELF-care. Okay? Okay. :) Get some rest sweet girl. I love you. You ARE doing work with humility, Love. None of us have arrived yet, so don't be hard on yourself. Keep plugging along. Keep your heart open to seeing more and responding in truth. 

And I need to keep doing Lisa's clearings and meditations - they really do help.