Legitimately heading toward DONE

I feel it. I'm legitimately getting over Ryan and his shenanigans. I'm tired of the drama and his sensitive ego and narcissistic outbursts. I can no longer be myself... I can't share my thoughts or my day or my feelings - even about random, non-Ryan related stuff, because he will judge, shun, jab, make fun of, belittle, or be upset at me for something or other. Yesterday I marveled at how nice one of his corners came out and wondered why he didn't do that in another area (I don't even think I wondered that out loud... but somehow he deduced that I was asking him to change them). He flipped out and left and came back today and did change them and they look fantastic so it's worth it, but his fits are unwelcome. He had the ugliest energy all day - I was on pins and needles - unable to talk to him or look at him (feeling he would snap and yell at me)... I didn't get home until about 2:30 after 4 hours outside in the cold and I got my period today and my back and neck are hurting quite badly (I must have hurt it helping tag goats but I also got my period today). And I've been eating crap and I just feel bad. And all I wanted this weekend was to curl up and watch a movie with Ryan. But that's never been a thing - he doesn't do that with me. He doesn't like to curl up with me. He stinks, he's mean, everything is about him and on his terms. There is no cuddly or cozy or care. It is unhealthy, toxic, and hurtful and I am ready to be done. I think I want to go find someone else to distract me but I don't even have it in me to get to know someone else. My heart is sapped. I'm tired and hurt and I don't want anyone.... except my doggies and Sioux and cheekins and HOME. My rock and trees and all the Lovelies who surround and support me here. And that's all. 

I'm tired of Ryan O'Malley. He's not a nice person. I understand he is wounded and traumatized and his narcissism is a trauma response to debilitating shame and the way he protects himself from feeling too much because his lightbody is wide open - empath, maybe...sure... but blown up lightbody/aura/protection has him in sympathetic dominance at all times, being run by his demons and pain body. 

I want to tuck into ME and that's that. 

Forget the drama. I'm over it.

___

Talked to Corie for almost an hour and that helped... she reminded me how terrible it is to be married to someone who you weren't in step with... she and Jerry have a really hard time and I feel awful for them. There is no reason to force this with Ryan, but I keep trying like an idiot.

So I called him when we got off the phone to try to talk and work it out and we had a pretty good conversation until he hung up on me because I asked him what humility was. He believes women are supposed to be humble but men aren't, that it's not a masculine trait. He just can't communicate, he has to belittle and put down. He doesn't understand these things and when I told him some of my thoughts and feelings about it, he ran right over my words (about gentleness and humility being precious in the sight of God and how I prayed for that) and said I made it all complicated instead of just doing it. 

I think we both have a pride problem. We both definitely do. We are 74% alike according to The Pattern and I thank God for that insight. I am trying to heal myself and had made pretty good progress but this is the next level with him and maybe stupidity and I should probably stop wasting my energy on him, but I feel like when I hold space for him, I'm holding it for myself too. 

I remembered today that Tyrone was really hard - his outbursts and anxiety and anger were really tough on me and I have held onto this as though he was the victim of me, but it was hard on me too. So... I just need to have compassion for myself. I've been in lesson-land. Ryan is the hardest because I love him...or am trauma bonded to him....so much. Trying to re-write my story. Especially the one where "no body liked me" and trying to earn their like/love (especially my childhood classmates Cathleen Santarosa and Neesha Patel). I don't need to wait around for Ryan. He needs to figure life out. I AM ahead of him in many ways on my spiritual and psycho-emotional healing journey. He adamantly states that he doesn't want to do the work to heal - he just wants to move forward without reflection/looking back. So, that's his journey. God bless him. 

But God bless me. 
I need to put my energy into SELF-care. Okay? Okay. :) Get some rest sweet girl. I love you. You ARE doing work with humility, Love. None of us have arrived yet, so don't be hard on yourself. Keep plugging along. Keep your heart open to seeing more and responding in truth. 

And I need to keep doing Lisa's clearings and meditations - they really do help.