2/22

 2/22 was a hard day. Currently it's 1:17am on 2/23. I've been talking with Ryan for many hours. We have decided that we should not continue to pursue a relationship. He is not attracted to me which is a major player to him. He thinks I'm fat (I am). I need to get healthy for myself. And it will be easier when I can focus on myself. We will continue to be friends but he won't go with me to Durham on Saturday or to the BodyMindSpirit Expo on Sunday. But he wants to keep caring for my animals. It's confusing. We love each other but we're just not right for one another. And that needs to be okay. I feel like a failure. And he's right about all my masculine energy and my push/pull energy. I need to get right with myself. I want to fulfill MYSELF.

I put it all out there with Johnny too... shared the crazy dating profile and my weight and missing teeth. And he didn't respond. He sent me a sexy picture of himself, but he's fishing for sexy pictures of me. That's not what I want. He's not what I want. I need ME.

But I'm free to date. And I might. But mostly I just need to take care of me. Make good choices for myself. Don't let sugar and carbs and crap trick me. I want to nourish my body. Let my food be my medicine. Meat is my food and medicine. That's all. And exercise. And breathe and stretch and sleep and cry and read and love yourself. 

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I feel the relief in Ryan. He seemed lighter. We were living out of alignment. I was trying to force something. I wasn't that attracted to him anymore either. He is super overweight and his smoking is disgusting and his swearing is disgusting and he's often so selfish and mean. But we had a good talk. Lots of honesty and I hope we will both learn from it and grow. And we'll move on. And that's that. And hopefully stay friends. 

He said that I did something he didn't think it was possible to do, but I loved him like his dogs did. And I know it's not true - that I couldn't love perfectly and innocently and unconditionally - but I sure did try. And I sure did forgive him a lot. And I kept hoping. But it's gotten too toxic and it was tearing me down and wearing me down. I am grateful to God for the strength and "dark arts training" that I had. And for the record, I want to pray for happiness, health and goodness for Ryan (and I). God bless him, please. And me too. Please help me to heal and to do the right thing. Whatever that is.