Now

Now....when we are "broken up" or "no-name" or "no-commitment" or whatever we are, NOW Ryan wants to watch movies with me? We watched "Guardians of the Galaxy" the other night and "Guardians of the Galaxy 2" tonight as well as "Blades of Glory" (I think that's what it was called with Will Farrell). We ate pizza (from Forgetaboutit) after a day of going to the State Surplus auction and scoping it out and bidding on a truck and losing and learning and exploring... it was super fun. And we went to Costco and to acupuncture appointments with Dr. Qiu. Ryan's first. And it really helped me... I could feel the chi balancing and regulating. 

Lots to unpack with Ryan and learning by feeling Scott and Le'Anna's rift. 

Really need to relax more. Dr. Qiu mentioned that too. I need to do much more relaxation.  I feel stressed. Before all that with Ryan I took care of my animals and I went to work for a couple hours. And now it's midnight and I just got home and have to work on Malai applications. (Earlier today I posted a video and sent the Valentine's day menu. I still need to do Valentine's Social media too! Gah!)

#overwhelmed #toomuch #loveitwhenryanandiareinunityandhavingfun 

He held his very bright flashlight for me and the doggies as we were walking home ... all the way. And then we did some light flashing back and forth to each other and he sent me "I love you" in Morse Code. Super sweet. 

And he was looking at my slider to fix it today...and thinking about fixes for my sink. He is taking good care of me. So maybe I don't need the label and if that takes the pressure off so he's not angry, resentful, and mean...maybe that's okay. I need to learn to relax and go with the flow. 

God will send me who is supposed to be in my life. He sent me Ryan. I love him and am having an educational and growth spirited relationship... it may not be what I think I want, but it may be just what I need. 

We are supposed to go the the Durham Love Fest or something to see the Paperhand Puppet Intervention show that we never got to see in August or September ...we're going to see it at DPAC on Wednesday for Valentine's Day. I'm excited.

____

Since it's still 2/13, I'll keep writing on this post. I wrote the part above after midnight last night. Now it's 11:24pm but I wanted to share my notes from today. I voice journaled about it a little more thoroughly but I wanted to share what I wrote to Ryan... and then more importantly is what I wrote to myself...what I identified in myself after sending it... 

I sent to Ryan:

Oh Ryan, you cannot be mad at me for talking to other friends. I mean, you CAN, but it sure doesn’t make sense. 🌸

YOU don't want to have a committed relationship with me. You told me you “release me” (which, for the record, and you know this, I don't want because I love YOU). 

You have alluded to the possibility that maybe one day you might change your mind and have invited me to wait and see. (And I was doing that - waiting and seeing - waiting for God to light my path). But the fact remains that you have chosen to sever our commitment for the time being.

So what’s this? You don’t want ME but you still want to control who I talk to or am friends with? 

I realize you don't consider Paul a "friend" to me because he has taken advantage of me so much. (I don’t know if I do either.) But I forgive him and am holding space for his (personal) revelation and repair of selfishness. 

(Note: I hold similar space for you. You aren't perfect, but I focus on your good qualities and our positive experiences. I forgive and forget the stuff that doesn't serve our growth and unity.)

Anyway, I agreed not to talk to Paul when you asked me not to from the context of our relationship. (Regardless of whether I agreed or not - I wanted and planned to out of respect for you.) HOWEVER when you told me you don't want to be in a relationship with me, it sure seems like that stipulation would no longer apply.

Part of who I AM is someone who cares about other people, even to a fault. I am trying to practice boundaries and speaking up for myself. The way to practice is in the context relationships with others (coworkers, friends, etc). As a single person (per YOUR desire), I make my own choices and respond to my own responsibilities. So if someone talks to me, I feel it is my responsibility to talk back. (I know someone else who thinks it’s rude to be ignored.)

Long story short, if you only want to be friends with me, you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t talk to. 

I think it’s shitty for you to do that if/when we were boyfriend-girlfriend too, but it is/was an opportunity for me to practice trust and surrender. I failed a lot at it because of my willfulness and I’m sorry that I messed up and I’m especially sorry I hurt you and didn’t show you the respect you deserve. 

Anyway, I hope you will be okay if you’re mad or sad. I don’t want that.

I have always had a good number of friends and I like it that way. You are my favorite friend and I hope we will be able to continue our adventure. 

Please feel and process your feelings about this. I can see you needing to punish me by shutting down communication, but please don’t do that internally. God bless you beautiful Ryan. You are a brave soul to face all this hard stuff. You got this!

I’m hurt and confused and working through it myself.

❤️‍🩹

 (Here's the draft of it.... some different stuff... it maybe flowed better before I got in there to start manipulating it to sound nicer:

Dude, you cannot be mad at me for talking to friends. You CAN, but it's dumb. You don't want to have a committed relationship with me and you pretty much told me to date other people (which I don't want because you know that I love YOU, but you are telling me that you don't want me (like that)... but still keeping the door open in case you change your mind.) I see and get all that, but it's not right or fair. I realize you don't consider Paul a "friend" to me because he has taken advantage of me so much. But I forgive him and am holding space for his (own) revelation and repair of what drives that. (It's what I do. I hold that same space for you. You aren't perfect, but I focus on your good qualities and our positive experiences. I forgive and forget the stuff that doesn't serve our growth and unity.)

I care about Paul and want him to be well and happy. I want that for all beings. 

I respect you and would not talk back to him if you asked me not to in the context of a loving relationship. (Regardless of whether I agree or not - just out of respect for you.) But when you told me you don't want to be in a relationship with me, you'd think you were also dropping that stipulation. 

Part of who I AM is someone who cares about other people, even to a fault. I am trying to practice boundaries and speaking up for myself. The way to practice is in the context relationships with others (coworkers, friends, etc)

I wrote to myself:

I have a lying/spinning problem. I try to spare people's feelings and try to make situations work for everyone. I don't say it like it is....it's people pleasing but it leads to inauthenticity. How can I practice radical truth? Do what feels good and right. Be tapped into my own truth and reality and then live from there.

I want to talk to who I want to talk to. I don't want to be spoken to rudely. I'm my own person. I want to share my life and space and joy and love with someone who wants to do the same.

I like Ryan's attention, humor, talent, company and subconsiously my trauma bond messed up child wound likes the challenge of trying to earn his affection. That is NOT healthy. (The first part is, the second part is not.)

____

We watched Dr. Strange today and there was a good amount that resonated as "spiritual truth" in that movie that moved me to tears. 

Ryan seems to have some telepathic skills coming online. 

He has so much potential and is so beautiful but if I keep enabling him and don't allow him to self-discover, then it's no good. We all have to do our own work. 

It was strange that Paul sent me that Dr. Strange YouTube link and Ryan and I were talking about it yesterday or the day before - that we wanted to watch it....synchronicities. Lots with Paul. 

Anyway... so many lessons.