...started a Gold Journal:
Posted just now:
I see myself crawling in here, collapsing on the floor and just laying here breathing and waiting for the strength or wisdom that nudges and inspires me to share. I've been hiding - or maybe just trompsing around in the madness that is this plane (or timeline that I've created through poor choices?). I've exposed myself and damaged myself and I need to be still for a while and lick my wounds and wait for my heart to catch up. I'm dirty with confusion and sadness and other biwave residue. I have been playing out victim/victimizer and hero/savior stories as I tried to believe enough and love enough and suffer enough to *earn* true love and a divine counterpart to do life with. I have tried and tried, compromised and compromised (myself) unto depletion and forgetfulness of who I AM. I lie and make myself small and blind and weak so that he'll accept me...so that he could like me. I'm too crazy ("I won't be anymore, I'll be normal"), my beliefs are too out there ("I won't believe them anymore!")...etc.
God is with me though. Always. I am GSF. I steward a beautiful nest filled with incredible gifts of love - amazing beings - doggies, trees, horse and chickens and I was blessed with the most amazing giant/chair-sized quartz rock that now adorns the base of a split-trunk pine named Unity. I weep with the goodness of God as I am held by and in my home, surrounded by protective krystic architecture.
We're still here friends. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your work. Thank you for this family of people/beings who are IN IT too. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you - I want to do better. I'm sorry for being the way I am... I am broken and selfish and narcissistic and egotistical and divided and tired and lost and sometimes found and doing the best I can even when it's not the best because I can do better but I don't because I long for the things of this world - I long to be loved and accepted and seen and not alone. And I'm not alone. I have the most amazing gifts of human friends, especially my ES sisters and brothers - I am abundantly blessed. I just forget and keep choosing the wrong thing...
I have chosen a tremendously abusive relationship... why? I have chosen to love (to a fault.... is it love?) someone who is so mean to me... speaks to me with such vitriol and calls me awful names and almost everything out of his mouth is to insult and push me away... to belittle me and make me feel small and stupid. I see his painbody feeding on me, trying to kick up some loosh to eat. Am I projecting or is it true that he has similar architecture to me (fallen tree/damaged and torn and defiled from trauma and poor choices). The empath/narcissist. And I saw how much doing personal work (and mostly Guardian & Lisa/ES & OmniLov3 clearings and support) helped ME to heal and move the needle....so I thought I could hold space for him to do that too. Ah-hem...hero savior anyone? So now we're living out victim/victimizer and I'm losing my neutral observer stance. I mean, seems like I lost neutrality a long time ago, but I have been watching this play out and for some reason not bailing...but it's feeling like close to time... the damage is getting to be too much. Or maybe I just need some space to recalibrate. We'll see.
Thank you beloveds, my beloved family, my friends, my coworkers, my soulmates, my darlings. Thank you for reading with me and being here and doing what you're doing and going through all this too. It's a lot. But you are here. You are doing it. You are so brave and beautiful and strong and resilient and a jewel in the crown of God WE ARE. I don't want to go but I have to end this for now. Thank you for holding strong and being here with me, with us. Amen.
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Talking to Cliff today and feeling his love helped me move the needle to start feeling and reaching out for help. I need to get off the crazy train with Ryan. He said he's not going to change. He doesn't know how to treat me or chooses not to treat me with respect or kindness. He says he doesn't love me and talks about all the things he doesn't like about me. Cliff says I deserve someone who loves me and treats me with kindness and believes that there is someone out there for me. At least that's what I took away from it. And I want that. I want peace, love, happiness, etc. UNITY. So... I have to end this charade with Ryan. 11 months is a long time to invest in something that is toxic.... and only getting worse. I still DO believe Ryan could change and grow, but it won't be because of anything I do...it's got to come from within himself. God bless him. I love him so much and I'm going to love him enough to let him go. And love myself enough to let him go.
And take care of me. Warm water and chopped beef. I need to heal my body. I've gotten unbalanced and unhealthy and I want to restore myself. Prioritize me. Yes please.
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Grateful for the tears and the feeling and the seeing. For my ESF share and for Ryan's repulsion at my touch. For Cliff's admonishment to BELIEVE what Ryan tells me and he's told me he's not interested, he doesn't love or like me. Everything I say triggers him. I cannot be myself in his presence. He blames me for everything and doesn't see his part. I accept blame, ask for apology and by doing that, he feels justified to only see my errors and double down to make me feel bad. On some level he knows and he has admitted this before. He said the Tinder ladies were out of his league, but I am out of his league. I am good and kind and smart and I have cooked for him for the past almost 3 months I've been so committed and maybe I'm just not remembering it as well as I should, but it doesn't feel like he said many "thank yous".... it was mostly complaints and just tolerating and often spitting out what I made.
Paul is more of a kindred spirit - even as a taker - at least he wants to learn and talk and admit that he has things to work on. Ryan doesn't want to take because he doesn't want to owe... he pushes away and has sabotaged us. Or maybe it's just not meant to be and regardless, I am saved. He is not good enough for me. He isn't choosing the Way of kindness. He has generosity at his core, but he also has selfishness, trauma, and wants to be a hermit.
Nahko's "Part Problem" came on from God during my shower and I know that I am part of the problem with Ryan. I am not perfect and I am lucky to have had someone stick with me through all of my stuff too... my dissociation and dishonesty and so many feelings and drama and neediness.
So I am blessed and maybe I won't be worthy of a partner, or maybe one will come around that will be able to tolerate those things and love me as I work on them. I feel like I've been very patient with Ryan's (long list of) areas of improvement - ego, anger, blame, pushing away being quite loud. Not to mention incredibly abusive language and behavior.
It's time to value myself and care for myself and get back to ME!
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