After a nice conversation where Ryan was honest about not being attracted to me because I'm not feminine, etc...but wishing that he could change his mind... trying to... and maybe being in a platonic relationship... just good honest conversation... I ended up telling him about recording him and it set him off. I understand how he feels betrayed... it feels yucky for sure. But he made me delete all of them (which I eventually did on my phone - I wonder if I can get them back?) - but I don't need them. It feels bad. It all feels bad. The way he talks to me feels bad. We were talking about how I didn't want to be in an abusive relationship and he started laughing and doesn't think he is abusive at all. It's just sick and not okay and he doesn't know it and I've accepted it all along and Ryan DID listen to the part of that one recording where he was calling me a stupid moron, etc... yelling with such vitriol the ugliest things. I should have transcribed those things... and he said he stood by all of it. He thinks it's okay to talk to me like that. And he is taking his gate opener back. It's mine... not his. He wants to punish me. And he said he's going to kick out the doggie door that he put in today. (He was so sweet to put that in for the pups.) But he just swings from sweet to jerk.... and it's a sickness. And I have a sickness to keep staying with him. I told him today that I was trying to re-write my story of childhood pain and he said that I just need to buck up and belittled me from all my life having unmet needs to the person I am now and just said I need to just stop being the way I am, pretty much. And he may be right? It's after midnight and I still have to do the Malai emails and get some sleep and have work tomorrow all day so I have to go.... but it is what it is.
I am ready if he's ready to let me go, I'm ready. He said to lose his phone number and that he was going to delete Telegram (again to punish me) and I am going to be fine with whatever comes. I'm tired. He isn't attracted to me. I could never turn attraction on toward Michael and as wonderful as I think he is, I don't think we were meant for each other and if that's the way it is with Ryan, so be it.
I want to find someone who wants to be in a mutually loving relationship with me. I don't care for TV in the bedroom and am certainly not interested in smoking. I want someone who wants to learn and grow individually and together. That believes in healing and health and nature and spirit. Ryan speaks against me and the things I am interested in. He puts me down every chance he gets. He isn't the guy.
He said it's a felony to record someone without their consent but it looks like in NC as long as one party is aware of it, it's okay. So let him sue me. I don't feel very bad about it - I wish I hadn't told him. I wish we could be honest about everything. I tricked him into telling me that he went on to a dating app and looked at 3 girls that were "out of his league". I'm not? Yeah. Forget this. I definitely am. He thinks he's hot in his face and he can be, but often he's ugly - his nastiness spews out of him. Sometimes he's handsome but I'm done telling him. He always just says thank you - never has anything nice to say to me. Only mean things and put-downs and criticisms.
He says he's not meant to be in a relationship and if it's not me, it's no one. But he still looks for other people. I just need to focus on loving myself. There are lessons and he's got some truth and I will heal and see those things, but for now I can't trust him - he's not FOR me.... he's against me. Or his demons are. And that's that.
I'm speaking from hurt and not authenticity. I'm tired. Do what you need to do and get some sleep Love.
No comments:
Post a Comment