Misha and Ryan

Talking to Misha… God was with us - divine appointment to see and feel and learn so much. I won’t remember it all but we talked about predator consciousness which helped me to process and understand it deeper… this is caused from breaches in our light body. Most people have these breeches and they live out the things the predator or other consciousness tells them to do, thinking it’s them and it feels good in a way but since it’s not aligned with their true God/Krystic soul it causes cognitive dissonance and sometimes…often…dissociation and the subconsciousness and cross-spirals create subconscious shame which bleeds through to conscious self in the form of self-hatred which perpetuates the behavior which they now think is theirs.

Deep truths especially came through while sitting on my rock friend.

We talked about alters and multiple personalities and desires for unity and …so much. I need to breathe. My vein is popping more after that conversation. I felt the liquid plasma light come through when we started talking. Feels like activations and support. We need to help keep each other accountable to shielding.

Tomorrow the Year of the Dragon starts. Maybe tonight. I think it’s tonight. 

____

Well Ryan and I just got back from a nice date at Everest Kitchen (he ate 33 Mo-Mos!!!). We had a good time and he confessed about having an anger problem, which was amazing. He won’t own the “abuse”… he makes fun of me for saying it and says he wants nothing to do with me if I perceive us as having an abusive relationship. He holds to the accusation that I am a liar… citing examples of my backpeddling when we have an argument. Which I do do, to try to keep the peace and something I need to work on. I need to stick to my guns.

We talked about our relationship some - hesitantly and scattered over the evening but in the end, as he was leaving, he made the Pope sign thing and “blessed” me being “on the market”. Which hurts - because I spelled out that I wanted to be with him but I know he’s not attracted to me and we talked about how I knew he was holding onto it hoping that something might change, but we’re going in the opposite direction. Less attraction, less connection. (Though we had a really nice time last night - blow job for him, but I got so turned on and he did rub me a little.) <— but he’s not attracted to me so he doesn’t “give” much there.)

Anyway, I told him that I long to have a loving relationship with someone who wants to love me back and that’s not him at this point. That I hope that will change in the future, but I am getting old. So he “blessed” me being on the market and I guess we are officially broken up. I told him I didn’t want to sleep together until I was married… but I might. Just after a LONG courtship. 

I’m sad because I really love him. And he is SO good to me. I spend much time daily thinking about what a blessing he is in my life. What a beautiful home he’s given me and how nice it is to have him in my life. I look forward to seeing him every day. But he no longer wants to do the diet with me. He wants to take diet pills. And he would love to do drugs if he could find them. He was exited I got him the Narcan. That says a lot. Remember how he robbed me of the benzos? And he says he’s always looking for chocolate and stuff I hide here. So who knows what he’s up to. He’s a substance abuser and addict and glorifies drug addiction and doesn’t care about his health. I THINK and HOPE that it’s not true, but I should believe what he tells me and the fact that he’d love to get his hands on … I can’t remember if he said heroin or crack or whatever…. That’s scary. But he HAS pot and maybe some mushrooms that I got from Le’Anna at his house and I don’t think he’s doing that. He might be. And he’s interested in acupuncture and mentioned a therapist but isn’t necessarily taking action to get one. 

Anyway, it takes the pressure off. He can go on Tinder and those apps and do what he wants. He minimizes it… “I just swiped 3 people…. They were out of my league”….etc. But someone that is in a relationship and wants to be monogamous doesn’t do that. He is showing me who he is. Believe it. He outright lied to my face that he would never cheat on me and then went home and asked that lady on a date. He says he didn’t believe she was real, but he hoped she was. Now I wish I had continued with it and made him meet her at BoJangles. Gah!

This isn’t the kind of partner you want, Carissa. You deserve someone who values you and is strong and wants to be a good leader and that wants to foster growth and healing in all their relationships. Is it my imagination or has Ryan said he’s too far gone, he’s a lost cause or too broken? I didn’t and don’t want to believe that…and I don’t want to believe it about myself either. I want hope for a beautiful and loving partnership. 

Today is the new moon in Aquarius. Feels like a turning point. And the Year of the Dragon begins tonight… so… yeah… I want to be with someone who values - not ridicules - me. 

He’s immature, inexperienced, and has super low self-esteem. God, please bring him through this… show him the Way. And me too. 

Amen.