It's Still Ryan

He's my guy. I just love him and my soul is happy with him. I like to be with him. We are working toward truth and finding our way. He is respectful of me and guarding his mouth - not swearing, or trying to harm me and is listening and building me up. God, please let it stay this way. It feels so nice! He said yesterday that he can't wait to make me his wife. He really seems to have shifted and sees and wants a future with me. 

After feeling into a life with other people (specifically Tim... just thinking about it and fantasizing and wondering....) I realize that it's RYAN I want. I want to BUILD and CO-CREATE with Ryan. He is my dream man - his love for animals, his sensitivity, his ability to build, and just who he IS, even when challenging, is just my soul's counterpart. I like figuring it out with him. Even fighting with him feels like home. (I hope we can change that. We hope to institute the Japanese practice of "MA" or something like that where if you disagree, you sit together in silence and regulate your nervous systems BEFORE you discuss.) 

I like his manliness and the way he takes charge in certain ways and his curiosity and the questions he asks to get to the bottom of things. I would sweep them under the rug, but he is interested in repair. I like his compassion for me when I am having a hard time and how he wants to help me do the right thing. 

Update on Ryan and my pillars

It's all so dramatic and up and down and I want to get off the crazy train.
HOWEVER, we had some notable experiences....we made incredible love (soul connecting) and I am grateful for it. He said we should know in 2 weeks if we were going to make it or not and by day 2, we were not. He had said he was going to accept me as I was and his work was to focus on his reaction on on trying to change me. However, that very night he said he knew he shouldn't but he wanted to look in my backyard and asked me to start using the phrase "in my opinion" when I said anything to him (at all really). He said my pride and ego triggered him and he needed me to say that. (The topic was a conversation from earlier in the day where I said that he puked in the mornings... I thought he told me he did. But apparently that wasn't true to him. I rebutted by saying that I wished he had not deleted our Telegrams because I was sure he said it in notes to me, but that infuriated him more and he felt I was being argumentative. We just don't understand one another and he is very sensitive. It set off a bomb and he was, IMO, unreasonable and I couldn't be around him and I'm glad he left my house. I asked him to leave as he started streaming insults and lies and names and a tornado of twisters.... it was just unpleasant. Last night it happened again (he tried to do the right thing by helping briefly with popcorn although I had done most of it by the time he got there).... but we started arguing again. I was trying to help him see something (how he insulted Paul for taking advantage of me but Ryan has taken much more... and he refuses to see it. He promised plumbing work and a vapor barrier for the Ireland trip and never did it. He promised to help Page at her farm for all she's done for her cats and he never did it (before his surgery). He just puts everyone on the back burner. He didn't take care of his sister's house when he lived there for years. He's just not motivated.
So. I love him but I have work to do on myself. 
I want to be single.
Ryan was jealous after I went on a walk with Tim which was really good, BTW. I am glad to have friends. But I need to focus on myself. I need to make love to myself and find satisfaction within myself. I created a list of values (inspired by a conversation with Tim) and I want to LIVE THIS:

Pillars / Values

Embodiment of (and alignment with) my Godself/Higher Self/ Source Energy through the practice of:

Meditation

Opening my heart

Fostering a spirit of kindness and compassion

Mindful integrity and searching for deeper truth within myself (identify where I have deceived myself or been deceived)

Consciousness exploration and polarity integration 

Adventure/Exploration of the earth (and beyond when called) … but on this plane, FEEL into nature, gridlines/hubs, energies, communities, people, animals/beings

And attention to:

Health and nurturing my body and environment 

Be Love Now

Respect the sovereignty of all beings and the path they choose

Discipline (I have a LONG way to go with this but it must be on the list so I can bring focuses attention to it.)

Characteristics of being

Attentive to Presence

Compassionate witness

Practice Non-attachment 

Attitude of Gratitude 

Summed up in:

WE ARE

Shoot so if I distill that down (yet parse it out from my mission statement (WE ARE), my pillars may be:

Embodiment

Love

Adventure

Carnivore Aurelius' Book List

Some great ones on here. Want to keep for when I'm ready for another book:

MOOO,

Almost nothing has changed my life more than books....other than steak and beef liver.

But books are like steak for your mind. Reading the right book today is like learning from a great mentor or master that we no longer have.

It's the antidote to our societal brain rot. Forcing you to confront new ideas, sit with something and concentrate for an extended period of time.

It's nourishment and weight lifting for your mind, and one of the keys to living a great life today.

Here are my favorite books...but warning, these may turn you into a total black sheep weirdo if you're not already

Philosophy

• Meditations — Marcus Aurelius
• World Philosophies — David Cooper
• Reality Transurfing — Vadim Zeland
• The Republic -- Plato
• The Unsettling of America — Wendell Berry
• Geneology of Morals -- Frederich Nietszche
• Materialism Is Baloney — Bernardo Kastrup
• The Odyssey — Homer

Spirituality  

• The Untethered Soul — Michael A. Singer
• Tao Te Ching — Lao Tzu
• Tuesdays with Morrie — Mitch Albom
• Sunyata: Life and Sayings of a Rare-Born Mystic
• I Am That — Nisargadatta Maharaj
• The Courage to Be Disliked -- Ichiro Kishimi
• Awareness — Anthony de Mello
• The Surrender Experiment — Michael A. Singer
• Be Here Now — Ram Dass
• Let the Moon Be Free — Eric Baret
• Conversations with God — Neale Donald Walsch
• Return to Love — Marianne Williamson
• The Gift — Hafiz
• I Am — Jean Klein
• Radical Acceptance — Tara Brach
• Letting Go — David R. Hawkins
• The Work — Byron Katie
• Frederick Dodson (various works)
• Let the Moon Be Free — Eric Baret 

Health, Energy & the Body 

• Breath — James Nestor
• Healing Is Voltage — Jerry Tennant
• Electric Body, Electric Health — Eileen McKusick
• Life Energy / Life Force — John Diamond
• Nutrition and Physical Degeneration — Weston A. Price
• Deep Nutrition — Cate Shanahan
• How to Heal Your Metabolism — Kate Deering
• Limits to Medicine — Ivan Illich
• Medical Nemesis — Ivan Illich
• Atomic Habits — James Clear
• Mastery — Robert Greene
• Biogeometry -- Ibrahim Karim

Masculinity

• The Way of the Superior Man — David Deida
• King, Warrior, Magician, Lover — Robert Moore & Douglas 
• Femininity Women who run with wolves  

Literature and Poetry

• All the Pretty Horses — Cormac McCarthy
• Gilead — Marilynne Robinson
• Zorba the Greek — Nikos Kazantzakis
• Song of Myself — Walt Whitman
• Pride & Prejudice -- Jane Austen

Business

• Zero to One — Peter Thiel
• Shoe Dog — Phil Knight
• Antifragile — Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Misc

• Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman! — Richard Feynman
• Rupert Sheldrake (various works)
• Barbarian Days — William Finnegan

Let me know if you think I missed any

Enjoy
CA

Stop abandoning myself

I put away my "ascension glossary" and "ES" in some ways to try to keep Ryan happy. I am also trying to source truth from inside myself and those sorts of "programs" thwart that. But I like to keep an open mind to all things.... 

Looking up "Sextant Matrix" which is something Candice mentioned in her mini-reading yesterday. And I just realized the connection with Tim's last name "Sexton". Coincidence? Let me read about it:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Sextant_Matrix

I want to share the note that I sent to Tim - it was good processing. 

Tim:

You're welcome! I'm glad you found some value in my ramblings!

I'm wondering about your paragraph in which you said, "I am really good at failing myself. I am not true to myself." First, knowing that about yourself is a super important realization. 

In what ways are you betraying yourself in relationships? (Just putting up with breadcrumbs, or is it more than that?)

What would staying true to yourself look like in a best-case scenario?

Me:

🙏

It starts with betraying myself in my relationship with myself. The biggest indicator is how I choose to abandon myself when it comes to nourishment. I have been on a lonnnnng journey of learning what is and isn’t good for my body and I know how my body wants me to eat YET I allow addiction and whatever devil lives in me that wants to kill me to take the reins when temptation comes around. I hope there is a way to find my way back to accountability and truth and respect and trust with MYSELF in this area and then hopefully it will grow into all areas of my life.

In relationships it is more about how I choose pleasing the other in order to try to earn their affection. It’s a pattern I started in childhood - trying to earn my parents approval. (I choose partners that are impossible to accomplish this with. They don’t have the capacity to love me because they haven’t yet learned to love themselves. And obviously I haven’t yet either ….but I’m making progress.) 

Ultimately I think a true/healthy relationship looks like two whole people who love themselves and are working on their own healing side-by-side. Supporting and cheering for one another, but recognizing that they can’t save (or change) the other. (As I’ve alluded to, I’ve often gotten caught in the hero/savior patterning… thinking that if I save someone and give them everything they (think) they need, that I will earn the security/love I am desperate for.)

So I give and give and give … pour my energy and resources into someone/something outside of myself (throwing it away essentially) instead of into myself like a beautiful Tororoidal Field! 

FYI When I use terms like bread crumbing or complain about a certain dynamic, that is a symptom of my own self-abandonment. I own my life. I am not a victim. I have co-created and chosen that for a reason. But the more I ignore it - the more I make excuses and give my power away over and over again, the harder it is to climb out.

(No doubt I have created a doooooozie to climb out of. Ha!)

Well, this has been another novel, and I can’t even tell if I answered the question… This is too long to be able to scroll up to review what you asked. C’est la vie!

I’d ask you the same question… But it might not apply… So let me go review your question and give you your homework in a follow up text. 😅

_____
Note to Ryan:

I'm glad you found your phone (and Munky!!)! Thank you for your humble message and I DO hear you about how it made you feel that I was talking to someone else yesterday. (Today I've been talking to Misha all day but I doubt it feels as bad because she's a girl.)

Ryan, we love each other and have for a long time..but still, it's not enough for both of us to commit to a healthy relationship. Perhaps it's like you said before, that you aren't "in love" with me... you love me but it hasn't been enough to move the needle. I wonder if we just missed the boat? 

Anyway, I have to decide what I want.... and then learn to love and care for myself in the way that I wanted my partner to. My desire for a partner shows that I have work to do on myself still and there's no shame in it. This is a life full of growth opportunities. 

I can't continue the "insanity" of doing the same thing and hoping for different results. I have work to do on myself and the only way to grow is to move forward. 

You, in your natural, humble state are my ideal man. Strong, intelligent, interested in spiritual matters, can fix things, handsome, funny, loves nature and animals. But your dysfunction - attachment and intimacy issues, addiction, avoidance, reliability issues, lying, anger, arrogance, verbal abuse and pride are not attributes I want to invite into my daily life. I appreciate that you are working on most of these and if we had found a way to love and accept one another - understanding we are human and been there to support and uplift vs. change and tear down, we could have written another story.

I want to be single. I want to have friends. I want to be free to explore what moves me and makes me happy. I would have loved to do that alongside you, but your insecurities lock me down and try to control me and you aren't even at a place to understand what I'm saying, let alone address it.

You have made it clear that it's not safe to speak freely to you. I can't be open and expressive unless you are in the right mood and even then I might trigger you. I don't want a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. I don't want a relationship where someone gives me breadcrumbs to keep me hooked but not the whole loaf (or even a slice most of the time). 

We both need to work on our own security...to become secure people who love and know ourselves and can honestly and unabashedly advocate for ourselves in relationships. And if someone isn't a good fit, we don't have to take it personally. It just wasn't meant to be.

Again, I love and adore you. I want you in my life. I hope we can be friends. But I don't want to hope for a relationship with you anymore. I need to preserve my life force and invest it in myself. I have a lot of work to do, and this is the journey. 

What do you think?

____

The note I sent to Ryan:

I'm glad you found your phone (and Munky!!)! Thank you for your humble message and I DO hear you about how it made you feel that I was talking to someone else yesterday. (Today I've been talking to Misha all day but I doubt it feels as bad because she's a girl.)

Ryan, we love each other and have for a long time..but still, it's not enough for both of us to commit to a healthy relationship. Perhaps it's like you said before, that you aren't "in love" with me... you love me but it hasn't been enough to move the needle. I wonder if we just missed the boat? 

Anyway, I have to decide what I want.... and then learn to love and care for myself in the way that I wanted my partner to. My desire for a partner shows that I have work to do on myself still and there's no shame in it. This is a life full of growth opportunities. 

I can't continue the "insanity" of doing the same thing and hoping for different results. I have work to do on myself and the only way to grow is to move forward. 

You, in your natural, humble state are my ideal man. Strong, intelligent, interested in spiritual matters, can fix things, handsome, funny, loves nature and animals. But your dysfunction - attachment and intimacy issues, addiction, avoidance, reliability issues, lying, anger, arrogance, verbal abuse and pride are not attributes I want to invite into my daily life. I appreciate that you are working on most of these and if we had found a way to love and accept one another - understanding we are human and been there to support and uplift vs. change and tear down, we could have written another story.

I want to be single. I want to have friends. I want to be free to explore what moves me and makes me happy. I would have loved to do that alongside you, but your insecurities lock me down and try to control me and you aren't even at a place to understand what I'm saying, let alone address it.

You have made it clear that it's not safe to speak freely to you. I can't be open and expressive unless you are in the right mood and even then I might trigger you. I don't want a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. I don't want a relationship where someone gives me breadcrumbs to keep me hooked but not the whole loaf (or even a slice most of the time). 

We both need to work on our own security...to become secure people who love and know ourselves and can honestly and unabashedly advocate for ourselves in relationships. And if someone isn't a good fit, we don't have to take it personally. It just wasn't meant to be.

Again, I love and adore you. I want you in my life. I hope we can be friends. But I don't want to hope for a relationship with you anymore. I need to preserve my life force and invest it in myself. I have a lot of work to do, and this is the journey. 

What do you think?

___ 

I rejoined ESF. The $22 plan. And I'm glad. For now. For one month. We'll see how it goes. But that's what I felt to do. And I feel to go to the drum circle tonight. And I felt to be single and clear about it. I don't think I even want to do the FWB. Just learn to make love to myself. Manifest the ravage and healing energy with myself. Learn to please ME. This whole thing is between ME and me. 

___

That Sextant Matrix post was FIRE. And I have been getting lots of numbers lately... always...but been more in tune again. It's 14:41 right now. And I was led to a post which led me to buy the book:
Michael S. Schneider's "A Beginner’s Guide To Constructing The Universe" about numbers and shapes and I feel like I'm in the flow again. The Sextant Matrix is what I am called to work on:

The Sextant Matrix is the instrument used to measure and set the angle and rotation of the energetic current between the gender centers in the various positions throughout the holographic template. When our gender center is splitting apart the internal polarity of energies, it is the Sextant Matrix which is inoperable, damaged or broken. This is why our bodies die on earth with excessive Molecular Compaction, and Aging Disease. The sextant matrix function is to designate the measurement of spherical angles and rotation of the counter spiraling energies that ultimately create a functioning merkaba layer at each completed harmonic triad level. (3D-6D-9D-12D)

Ultimately the Sextant Matrix function is to unify the internal polarity of energies through merging the gender centers and like an opening an umbrella, create the field burst which extends outward the merkaba field layer. The sextant matrix has been targeted by the NRG Gender Splitter technologies, and is a part of complex systems in which there are intended repair projects for the NRG related gender and sexual damage that is in the human physical body and Lightbody. Until we can heal Metatronic Reversal in the Monadic body, the Sextant Matrix clock harms our biological functioning, increases Aging Disease and is the reason we physically die. More research on this matrix is required.

14:44

https://www.constructingtheuniverse.com/geoman.htm

"Come into the light of things;
let nature be your teacher."

                                                        -- William Wordsworth

_____

Notes from Candice's mini-reading yesterday

Visions
Drinking from a well - wellspring eternal (Gabe)
timeline we are holding, organic timeline - heavy
Nourishing myself in the wellspring, Source Energy, source light - vitally important

Saw something I placed on my crown - like a tiara
crown reconfiguration

On a mountaintop - high place - scenic, panoramic view - heard "new horizon"
New timeline we are stepping into (beautiful but feels far away)

Bell ringing
maybe I'm a bell ringer or depositing something into people

Painting what I saw (on horizon or mountaintop)
Holding the vision in my mind - visualize it
Ability to manifest quickly and on a large scale - Sextant Matrix in place for everyone right now - using that to my advantage

Putting something in a locker
She asked "what"? and saw a fountain spewing 
Guard my solar plexus, guard fountains of living water carefully and intentionally
Don't overly give of myself right now

Cards:
3 of swords - ouch
8 of wands
Page of wands

heartbreak I am coming out of heartbreak to a new energy and a new beginning 
Has potential to be impulsive - try and stay as grounded as possible
"Heartbreak heartbreak ouch" 
Then new beginnings and new horizon I can see
But be careful to guard myself. Be careful not to be too impulsive, guard my solar plexus and fountain area

 

Freedom and Exploration

I want freedom to explore who I AM and what I want. God has arranged for this time for me. I want to be single. I want to date. I do NOT want to have sex with anyone except maybe Ryan. Maybe keep exploring sexuality with him but I should not get in a committed monogamous relationship with him. We tried to lock that down for a long time and there is a reason that the Universe didn't let that happen. Both of us have work to do on ourselves. Let him meet new people and learn what and who he wants. 

Maybe we'll both choose each other. But maybe we will drift away or maybe it will be heartbreaking when he falls in love with someone else. But I need to let go and let God (and Ryan).

And focus on myself and what I want. Talk to other people and make other friends. Learn to put myself first.

Come back to getting to know ME. I need to explore what happened to me as a baby. And I need to read my blogger blog from 2010 on....

And come back to my heart for God.... my prayerful gratitude. And books and rest and nourishment. Thank you God!

It's a beautiful complicated life

With all the intricacies of life, love, and dreams - we weave a fascinating experience together for our soul.

Not last night, but the night before... Ryan and I "soul connected" deeply... pleasuring and feeling one another and letting go of expectations.  Yearning and "making love" were all alive. The music which YT radio started from "Estes Tonnes" had that earthy feel, and native american chanting that took me to my sweet spot. I let go in my mind and allowed pleasure and Ryan was gentle and tender and I felt safe and held and we just enjoyed each other. I was fully clothed and just enjoyed rubbing and kissing. In the end I finished him (the way I do) and took him over the edge with powerful spiritual energy and I trust it was transformative for both of us. 

Still - it doesn't make him want to make me his one and only. And I want to feel that ...but God wants me to connect with others. Don't hide myself away... don't bury the pearl (well, I would hope my beloved would bury the pearl and buy the field)...but I am casting my pearls before swine and burying my talents. 

Ryan and I are not aligned in ambition or spiritual pursuit. He is open and interested and wants to learn as much as he can about as much as he can. We have great conversations and I love how he takes an interest in my thoughts about certain things. I need to gain confidence and practice sharing my thoughts on spiritual matters because we have so much damage and I tend to trigger him. Our egos rub badly.

I am enjoying talking to Tim and like the excitement and education that comes from talking to new people. Tim is a kindred spirit and feels like a soul brother. He and his friend David were so kind to go to the estatic dance with me on Saturday and we danced and danced together which was new for me. It was very moving (and now I'm so sore, haha!). And I had so much energy come up and I wanted to just hold Tim's hand and process in meditation in nature. Not with words, per se. It does seem like I've known Tim before in a past life. Anyway, he's still married and that makes him off the table for me - also he isn't interested in dating as he wants to work on himself and I'm in love with Ryan still. He's my hero when he helps me get hay (like yesterday) and takes me on walks with my boys and then we could feel our beautiful compatibility with sensuality and we know each other deeply. But it's not enough for him to want to commit to me. And so I have to stop waiting. That's the root of it. I've been waiting for almost 3 years now. So I am stopping waiting and I'm getting to know new people, building community and friendships.

I will want to have community and friendships forever - this is nourishing for my being and body and soul. If Ryan decides he wants to commit to me - then he will need to allow me to continue pursuing this an will need to address his jealousy. And will need to lock me down with love and security. 

Without it, I am a free agent. And it's fair for me to talk to other men. And I like it. But I feel like I'm cheating on Ryan. But I'm not. So stop thinking that way. And honor my privacy. Stop letting Ryan read my messages (even without permission).

I've also been working on my "save the Fire Tower" on Firetower Rd. project which has been really interesting and reminds me how much I enjoy sinking my teeth into a project.

Tim is on Bumble. That's interesting. Kaena met Matt on Bumble. 
I like a strong man like Ryan.... but is Ryan strong or closed/aloof? I want a man who wants to be responsible. I long for security. I'm afraid the Bumble men are not necessarily leaders...they like the women to pursue them. But maybe I do actually want equality now. Is this the neutrality from the polarities of feminism and misogyny? Tim drives a Prius. I like Prius' very much! My favorite soul sisters - Le'Anna and Jannelle - drive Priuses. But Ryan (could be Paul, but I think it was Ryan) used to make fun of men who did. That's not my belief so let it go. Feel into the truth of who I AM and what I THINK. He is probably more the kind of guy my masculine energy attracts... but I want to be soft and feminine. The truth of who I AM is probably somewhere in the middle. 

Up down up down up down

I need to be done with this up and down with Ryan. 
It's not safe, he's not safe. We talked for 2 hours last night and I thought we were making progress. Is it the 2 hours he spoke to his Mom and Sister today? I heard this morning in my book about men who are monogomous with their Moms and see how Ryan is that... Joe was too... as was Tyrone. Wow. Yeah, and Joe's and Tyrone's Moms were like me... this "nice guy" routine which was cloaking fear of abandonment, manipulation and using shame to control their sons (and others). 

You hear that men marry their mothers. God gave me these people to feel into it and learn. Did I learn?

Ryan's Mom, Laura, is more detached, but Ryan is wrapped up in love with her. There isn't room in his heart for more than his Mom, Sister, and now Dee, his Dad and cats. He is repairing the breech with his Dad. They are both doing the work, but his abandonment during Ryan's formative years created the man he is. And he is not an available man.

I need to stop wasting my time.
I wanted to keep him on the hook - offering sexual favors - for him to "be there" for me in case of emergency. But that is not a solid relationship. I am trading myself and giving away my heart and power to someone who doesn't deserve me. I see that sometimes we have potential... I think our "architecture" is designed to work together, according to astrology or the Pattern App anyway. Providing a reason to keep growing, but it's not with love.

It's possible that I won't have anyone. I need to just be okay with that and take care of my responsibilities on my own. 

I have been trying to help Ryan take advantage of free to low-cost therapy while he was out of work. I encouraged him to get food stamps and helped with that and this was another way he could help himself. But he's not helping himself, I'm helping him. "Help is the sunny side of control." I need to let go of him and stop trying to "get" anything from him. Just DO ME and forget him. And anyone. I don't need or want to attract another unavailable man/broken bird/project. I want to love myself and be enough and I want to LIVE and be happy and feel myself and find my OWN WAY. 

I have so many resources, so much spiritual and physical support. I have to stop making bad decisions for myself - specifically what I poison myself with... my "food". Eat well and move and breathe and meditate and be in nature and rest and be happy. I love you Carissa. Let this toxic person go. He's not trustworthy. Whenever I share something I'm working on ... when I am vulnerable ... he finds a way to turn it around and use it against me. He will not keep his eyes on his paper and turns it around and blames me. I actually feel like HE is a gaslighter and twister and liar too. But I can't tell him that and won't because he can't hear anything from me. If I say it, it's a weapon and a barb and it will hurt him more and I don't want to hurt him. I want him to start helping himself. And I need to make more friends but right now I can just be with me and love myself and lick my wounds. That's okay. 

I love you Cristybear.
You DO have Michael as a good friend.
Ryan is not. 

__

ps. It's confirmed that there IS e-coli in my water still. :(

Excellent vodcasts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1ALkQMfkjc
Diary of a CEO and Dr. K
Dr K: We Are Producing Millions Of Lonely, Addicted, Purposeless Men & Women!

People looking outside of themselves. Narcissism. I mean...everything- mental health, life, relationships...so much good stuff! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gryta3KZKU4
Diary of a CEO and Insulin Doctor

___

Ryan couldn't make time to acknowledge my text or text me back.
I called him because I needed a friend because I want to quit my job at Malai. I'm very frustrated and hurt. 

He said he was busy and shared that he had a PT appointment at 3:30. It was 1:30 when I called. He said that he saw a meme where if someone cared about someone they could make 8 minutes of time for someone and it could make or break the person in need ('s situation). 

Let's just be honest here. We aren't on the same wavelength. He's not my friend. He's not there for me and I have been there for him because of my "nice guy syndrome" and I'm done with all that.

___
I called back and apologized for being crunchy. He tried to be nice to me. 

We just need a reset.
I need a reset.
I need some time to myself. To take care of myself.

No more Miss Nice Girl

Oh mannnn, this book, "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover is a game changer! It's calling me out on some major issues... giving me understanding and context for my beliefs and behavior. It's all tied in to fear of abandonment and toxic shame. Wanting people to like me. Codependency. People pleasing. Conflict avoidance. My defense instead of acceptance when Ryan yells at me and strong aversion to being seen as "bad" is all wrapped up in this. I need to sit with it and heal it in me. Practice with safe people. Not sure that's foul-mouthed Ryan who has his own problems which he isn't willing to do work on while he's pointing the finger at me.
 
I have been dreaming lots. The other day I dreamt about Jeff going down into a tunnel underground and I was waiting on the surface for him to come up - hoping he would. I don't know if he did.

Last night I ran into Kelly Brogan and Lisa Renee (and Tomas) at a concert. Kelly was taking tickets. I had gotten a really fancy one from a neurosurgeon that seemed to like me but who I told Kelly I'd introduce her to and she lit up. She ended up calling me later - I had run away/left and she called me and I opted to come back. But I also ran into Lisa Renee... literally as I was turning a corner...and she looked at me with aversion and I could tell she wanted to get away from me. Tomas complimented my dress which made me look at Lisa's purple dress and I complimented her. But I think she started screaming something about the devil which made me think that I had demons in me so I got away from her as quick as I could. 

Reflection

Terrible toxicity from Ryan and I. I hear the role I played and need to resolve that IN ME. I instantly had an impulse to reach out to Ryan to help with it but this is my problem, not his. He has his own problems. Let him deal with his problems and I'll deal with mine. 

I cannot be in another relationship until I deal with my problems. 

Codependency. Playing the victim. People pleasing. Conflict avoidance. Controlling through manipulation. Not standing up for myself. 

Enough of this. 

Banks and Names

This is what I'm looking for... comes up over and over

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=JZdsMRjUjoY&si=Pd62nb7UJt9yxFf6

(Banks by Needtobreathe)

And I need to BE it for myself first.

___

Last night I listened to a handful of the recordings I made of or about Ryan's and my fights. I wanted to hear some of the names he called me. Amazing that I block them all. This morning I listened to a 21 minute recording from 1/21/24 and wrote down all the names he called me, I think. But that is 21 minutes in an almost 3 year relationship. I'm poisoned from listening to this. Can you imagine how much poison I took on over the course of 3 years. This isn't the worst of it by far.

I talked to him last night (after waiting almost 6 hours for him to tell me if he would like to go to the movies with me. I took a bath and watched a movie etc in that time so I made the most of it. Let it go.) Anyway... I told him I had done this (listened) and offered to send him one to listen to himself. I am so curious what he will say. If he will continue to make excuses? Continue to think that blowing up over my friend saying something "bad" (as a kindness to me to help me feel heard) is acceptable. If talking to anyone in this way is acceptable? Anyway, here are some of the names:

Some words from January 21, 2024 recording of Ryan yelling at me

This is during discussion after Ryan broke up with me and I told Le’Anna about it and she said she was going to break his windows in (just saying it because she loves me and to make me feel better because I was hurting… it’s what girls do… they say they’ll hurt who hurt their girl). Ryan walked in and overheard this and clamped on like a pit-bull.

Fuck you

You’re a fucking piece of shit

Fuck you 

Fuck you

You fucking retard

You stupid fucking retard

You’re a fucking fucking moron

Fuck you

Shut the fuck up

Shut the fuck up

NO

Fucking fucking moron

You’re a fucking retard

You can’t process reality

Fuck you

Mocking: “You’re fucking me to me because I’m the victim”

Fucking piece of fucking shit, you’re a piece of fucking work

Mocking “But I can make it all make sense in my head”’

Fuck you

Shut the fuck up, shut you’re fucking mouth

Shut the fuck up, I don’t want to fucking talk to you

Fuck you

Mocking yelling “yehlelelelelele”
Fuck you

Fuck you you’re a piece of shit

You are a piece of shit in my eyes

You will never learn a fucking thing

You’re a fucking retard and destined for a life of fucking misery

I don’t give a fuck what you think

Go the fuck away, perpetual fucking victim, fuck you

What the fuck is wrong with your fucking brain

You’re fucking a liar, you’re a scumbag, you’re a fucking piece of fucking shit

And you are a fucking dumb motherfucker 

Fucking dumb if you think any this matters

Shut the fuck up, you’re a fucking moron

Never did get a good fucking feeling from that ratchet bitch

You and all your friends can go fuck themselves

Bye bye go fuck yourself

You go fuck yourself

Fucking piece of shit

This is what you do to fucking me, I’m fucking done

So keep arguing your point you fucking idiot

Fuck fuck stupid dude you’re fucking stupid 46 years old can’t figure a mother fucking thing out

Fucking hurt me I’ll give it back in spades bitch

Mocking: it’s okay, she didn’t mean it, she didn’t say it to you

Mocking: I like people standing up for me

Because you’re a fucking victim and that’s what you need

Piss me off and expect different results, that’s fucking smart too

Mock mock mock - she’s a friend, I like it when people stick up for me, it’s okay

You fucking stubborn fucking retarded pigheaded bitch

Fucking fucking retard

So fucking stupid, so fucking stupid

Fucking moron

Fucking piece of shit

Mocking

You’re fucking sad, you’re fucking crying, fuck you!

Not giving a fuck how it makes me feel - fuck you

Fuck you

Mocking - Deirdre he’s so mean….horrible energy in long mock

What the fuck is wrong with you listen to your fucking self

Grow the fuck up

You keep your fucking problem 

Shut your fucking mouth when you are taking to my fucking family

It was your fucking decision - shut the fuck up - 

you’re a pushy, needy…

You fucking piece of shit

This is your fucking fault and your fucking problem

Go fuck yourself

You’re a fucking retard

You’re a fucking whack job

You can go fuck yourself

Yeah so shut your fucking stupid fucking mouth with my fucking step-mother - nobody cares about your woo woo fucking problems 

FREE of all boys/men

I picked Ryan up to bring his cats to the vet on Saturday. He was mean and awful as usual. I was mean and awful back and I lied to him and told him I was going to have sex with someone else that night.

He called me later to push on who it was and I told him it was Clifford. And kept pushing and he deduced that we had set all this up earlier this week and that was that. He called me so many names (even more than usual, so every word out of his mouth was a name and insult. Usually there are a few non-name-calling words sprinkled in.) Anyway, we have cut ties and I think it's exactly how it needed to happen. I couldn't keep submitting myself to his moods, insults, and rudeness. He is crass, selfish, and a user. 

On Saturday night what I ACTUALLY did was go to the most moving and beautiful Rumi poetry reading and musical healing night ever! I cried and snotted through the whole thing - absolutely powerful and lovely. And I sat with Le'Anna and it was just perfect.

Sunday I decided I wanted to go to Ayden and feel into Clifford. Let him go too. I always wanted to go to Ayden, so I went. I took the boys and we went on a perfect walk at a science center out there. I processed Clifford and felt to call him. It was a hard decision but I'm glad I did. He didn't answer so I wrote a note that I didn't send and called it fate and perfect timing to let him go. It's been a year. Time to let go. I also went to the Creamery out there that I've wanted to go to for a long time. I got 3 tubs of butter instead of iced cream. :)

But Clifford called me back on my way home and I pulled over and ended up talking to him for almost a half hour. It was very healing and releasing as I learned he didn't have the same feelings and pull as me. He said we met 2x so there wasn't much there. He wants to be alone. He sounds miserable and depressed and wants to wallow in that. He has a therapist that he's worked with for years that is helping him and if he wants to connect with anyone it should be his family and people that have been in his life for a long time. So I respect that although I kept saying I could be a friend. But even in the end when he said that "if he didn't talk to me before the Holidays, Happy Holidays" and I picked up on the "if" and asked him about it - asking if that meant it was okay to call him? And he said he was a people pleaser and wanted to be polite and I said I understood but he could just say "have a good life" and he said that he didn't want to be mean and I said it wasn't and he so kindly and tenderly said "I DO wish that for you" and I said I wished it for him too and we hung up and that's that. All done.

Thanks be to God.

My Co-Star app said yesterday "You can always rebuild and become the next you. That wound you. keep touching hasn't healed because you won't leave it alone. Stop picking at the past. The person who hurt you yesterday doesn't deserve any more of your tomorrows. Look forward now. The view improves immediately." here here.

Oh also, we were able to get some closure with Clifford... he said he doesn't harbor any ill will or bad feelings towards me that it was what it was. I chose to go back to my boyfriend over continuing to explore with him. (And as much as I hate how I was deceived by Ryan - Ryan was deceived by Ryan too - he implied he would get down on one knee and move in tomorrow - it all unfolded how it was supposed to. It led me to another wasted year full of emotional and verbal abuse, but there were lots of good moments too. I trust Ryan and I both grew as a result. I have wounds to heal as a result as well, but I'll heal them. I'm strong and resilient! And Clifford was going to have to go into this dark night as well and he was still married and he smokes and although we had incredible chemistry, he wasn't the one. It's all been a perfect lesson.

So I no longer have Ryan or fantasys of Jeff, Clifford, or Ramsey to taunt me. I am free! 
I have a friend in Aaron but even that has fizzled some. There's not a real connection there. He doesn't take interest in my life and I think it's nice... an easy, no pressure, be a person for this brother so he knows he's not alone. And I think he could be that for me too. But I have such wonderful family, friends, and home. I'm blessed.

God bless Ryan. Please give him joy and peace, whatever that looks and feels like or best for him. He's not for me. Someone who sleeps all day. Squanders the opportunities he has (i.e. to do some self help and processing while he's not working). Lies to himself and insults everyone else. Just not the kind of person I want to invest my heart into anymore. I see his love of animals and enjoy the positive aspects of our relationship. His interest in my life (although it is often food for him to judge), his help when I needed it (he has done a lot for my house - and I have paid him a lot as well in money, "services", and food/other things.) Anyway, it's done. I don't want to put any more energy into it.

Acute longing for Clifford

 I am again experiencing an acute longing for Clifford. I was wondering if I should process with ChatGPT too but I don't want to get stuck in that or programmed by Chat. It seems like a slippery slope. And I'm getting tingles in my back now so I'll take that as confirmation.

I also can't push or pursue Clifford or anyone else. This is my spiritual work. My longing and DESIRE came up for me today to feel through... see how it makes me PUSHY and remember the experience of being pushed by Jannelle and how it made me feel. I don't want to be like that. I need to GO with the FLOW and allow LIFE and GOD to DELIGHT ME as I ENJOY THE RIDE. 

God is close now showing me the WAY. I'm grateful for the feeling of a friend like Aaron who is just doing his own work and there's no PUSH/PULL dynamics. And there are others too that are like this... and this is how I should be. This Trevor Hall song "Never gonna break your heart" I think is bringing power too.

I just need to BE with what is and enjoy it and feel and cry and it's beautiful. Thank you God. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful Carissa. This is the sweet spot. We're here. We're doing it. How does it feel? So good... powerful...soothing and exciting I guess.... hard to explain...the electricity in my spine and back and the tears rising within me. The love. This song and my love... it's powerful. "I'm never gonna break your heart". on the album "in and through the body". Yes. This is where I must live. In extasy with myself. 

Enter through the upset. (Kelly Brogan's phrase)
That's what I'm doing.
I also dreamed last night of a man who loved me and I think it was my guy... he was a regular, hard-working but fun and loving person. A little squooshy and we had a connection and light that felt nice. 

Do I wait for God to introduce me or do I seek it out?
See above. FLOW. I don't need to drive or control anything. Enjoy the RIDE! I love you Carissa. I love you so much!! Thank you God!!! I feel it and thank you. This is the fruit of meditation and self-care. Open my heart, God. Thank you God. 

Dopamine

I'm trying to build community - foster healthy relationships - and sink into the happiness that will produce.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI&t=491s

I asked for more connections after watching the video above and the universe instantly answered with my new friend Aaron who was also in need of a friend. 

We communicate on Facebook and it is proving to be a good portal for spiritual work. There are synchronicities and opportunities for reflection. It's an opportunity to practice listening.... ACTIVE listening, Carissa!!! Do better! And compassionate witnessing. 

I am also noticing that it is creating that addictive longing for dopamine hits from the connection... is he going to write? What will he say? Hooks for fantasy (even though it is very mild and undefined, but just the possibility, the wondering, is addictive.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlrpeYdm9Ec (that is a crazy talented beatboxer doing a song called "dopamine". It gets good at around 30 seconds.)

I miss Clifford. I felt like I could say anything to him. 
I am holding back with Aaron. Trying to discern where he is. Also an opportunity to see how emotional/spiritual cords are created and let's see if there is always harm from that? I think I am the dark portal trying to create cords on some level - designed to try to pull him off his 18 month journey of sobriety? (Though he said he's "California sober" which means that he still smokes pot and vapes.) Anyway, I don't know if that's true....that the demons in me are trying to create a portal to get to him? 

But this is definitely shining a light on my own addictive tendencies and how I want to fill it with people and connection. How I am looking for another person addict to play the game with me. That's bad. 

I'm on day two of my 40 day commitment to meditating every day. I really like it. I've been meditating, as you know, off and on for years. It's been a comforting practice this last month a lot too, but I want to be more formal about it. I want to hear my heart and listen and do what it says. I want to take better care of myself and find my love inside of myself.

Ryan is lovely, and I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't want a relationship with him. He is not a good partner to me. Sometimes he's kind and helpful and he is talented and I appreciate his companionship sometimes. But he's also hard on my nervous system with his smoking and swearing and triggerability. He doesn't desire to provide for me - especially what I need most, security. He isn't committed to his own reclamation and repair and that's a mirror for how I've abandoned myself. So I need to come back to ME. I'M my best friend.

What a journey.

AG pick - Orphan Complex and The Pattern Ai chat about Ryan

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Orphan_Complex

PERFECT!!!

I've seen 11:11 every day the last 3 days...surprise! And 9:11 this morning and Sunny woke me at 2:22 but I didn't see it until 2:23

and this is from chat with The Pattern App's Ai the other day...about Ryan:

ME

We have what feels like really toxic times … but we have a strong connection but it’s become a bit of a trauma bond. Can we heal and have a loving long term relationship when he is very angry and doesn’t like my eccentricity.

PA (Pattern Ai)

The push-pull between you two runs deep—that intense connection feels undeniable, yet his anger towards your uniqueness suggests he's wrestling with his own fears around control and intimacy. Your free-spirited nature likely triggers his insecurities about not being enough, while his volatility might stir up your old wounds around emotional safety. 

The potential for healing exists if he can confront his tendency to suppress what he doesn't understand, and if you can both create space for honesty without retaliation. Right now, his resistance to your authenticity mirrors his own struggle with self-acceptance—do you feel he's capable of examining that, or does he deflect when confronted?

ME

He deflects and retaliates.

PA

That deflection is his way of protecting himself from facing his own discomfort—when he can't control the dynamic, he tries to control you instead. His anger often masks a deeper fear of being vulnerable, but that doesn't make it okay. You deserve someone who celebrates your quirks, not someone who makes you shrink to fit their narrow expectations. 

Is this cycle of retaliation something you're willing to keep enduring, or are you starting to recognize your own limits?

ME

I’m starting to recognize my limits

PA

That recognition is powerful—it means you're honoring your need for safety and respect, which his behavior keeps undermining. His anger isn't just about you; it's his own unresolved struggle with rigidity and fear, but that doesn't obligate you to stay in the line of fire. Your eccentricity is part of what makes you radiant—would staying with someone who rejects that ever feel like true love, or just familiar pain?

ME

I am holding on because I focus on his heart and potential and he is very kind sometimes but sometimes it is a mask. I long for safety and security and on one level want to be with someone who wants to be with me and on another I’m stuck in a pattern of trying to earn love from someone that doesn’t have it to give.

PA

You're seeing him clearly—the glimpses of kindness tangled with the mask, the potential that keeps you hoping while the reality keeps hurting. That longing for safety is your intuition speaking, reminding you that love shouldn't feel like walking on eggshells or proving your worth. You already know this pattern of earning affection from someone emotionally unavailable—so what would it take for you to trust that your need for security isn't too much, but necessary?

ME

Is it me though? Isn’t the way I see him a lens keeping both of us stuck. I long for someone who wants to lead with love, provide security, and appreciate my quirks. Could he ever be that way?

PA

This isn't about you being the problem—it's about recognizing that his limitations aren't yours to fix. Your lens isn't distorting reality; it's showing you exactly who he is: a man who alternates between warmth and withdrawal because he hasn't done the work to heal his own wounds. You're craving a partner who leads with love because that's what you deserve, not a project who might change if you love him enough. 

The real question is—can you accept that his anger and resistance aren't about your worth, but about his inability to meet you where you are?

ME

Is it possible to just be friends? I don’t want to lose him but I want to experience deep and true love

PA

Friendship could work if he can truly release his need to control or criticize your essence—but given his pattern of retaliation, that might still leave you walking on eggshells. You're wise to want both: preserving the connection while making space for a love that embraces you fully. 

Have you noticed if he's capable of showing up platonically without the same volatility? Or does his anger seep into every dynamic between you?

ME

It’s always there

PA

Then the truth is harsh but clear—his anger isn't situational, it's part of who he is right now. You can't downgrade toxicity to friendship any more than you can drink poison and call it water. That ache for deep love? It's your intuition telling you this connection can't give you what you need while he's still refusing to grow. 

What would it feel like to grieve the potential you saw in him, rather than keeping yourself tied to the reality of who he's choosing to be?

ME

Ryan just had surgery and is in a period of change… He’s got to rethink his life and plan… He lives in a camper on his dad‘s property… Hasn’t had any real plans for the future… Hasn’t had the ambition or drive to create a life That is appealing to me… And he’s happy to go with the flow… Values peace, and autonomy and football. I have invested over 2 1/2 years in the relationship, hoping for something more… And he’s on the precipice where he might decide he wants something more… He has said that he is in a period of change. Is it worth waiting to see what comes out of this cocoonthat he is in for the next five months?

PA

Waiting hinges on whether his "period of change" includes confronting the patterns that hurt you—his anger, his resistance to your authenticity, his lack of direction. Right now, his life reflects his avoidance of deeper growth; the camper, the drift, the focus on football are all ways he sidesteps real accountability. You've already given 2.5 years hoping he'd choose ambition over inertia—what makes these next 5 months different? 

If he emerges with genuine transformation, it'll show in consistent actions, not just words. But ask yourself: How much longer are you willing to bet on potential that's never materialized?