I feel that I've squandered/wasted so much time... my whole "holiday" weekend with Ryan... waiting for him, watching TV (some was fun - the Bills football was great. And he watched a little of "New Year's Rocking Eve"). Slept at his house the last 2 days. "Slept" poorly. We haven't made love for months, haven't had sex for weeks, and it's just not romantic or moving in a direction that feels good. Not moving. I am learning. But he is behaving very badly - often. Very abusive the way he talks to me especially... swearing and yelling. It was embarassing at Walmart today... I felt people were looking at us.
It's just been too much time together. And the scales are NOT balanced. But more than anything, I don't feel he has the capacity or willingness to love me. He doesn't love himself. And I am not loving myself well so I don't have the capacity to love him authentically. And he is always ridiculing me and withholds love.
Tomorrow I get to go with Dan to help tag hogs for 4H kids. Tomorrow and Wednesday.
Tomorrow I get to go with Dan to help tag hogs for 4H kids. Tomorrow and Wednesday.
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God, help me to narrow my focus to a one word resolution for this year. It doesn't have to be now, but we'll mull it over and see what sticks. I liked "pause" (from the devotional Page just sent me which inspired me to do this)...
Alignment comes up. Align. To be aligned to God and my own soul. To listen to my own heart and prioritize my own needs. Peace. Rest. Meditate. Allow. Listen. Just BE. Observe. Presence.
I really do need to find my own alignment to rest in presence. To meditate and create space that allows me to respond to life rather than wrangle it. To release control. To let go. ... especially of strife. To prioritize my own needs and remove myself from others' negativity.
I really do need to find my own alignment to rest in presence. To meditate and create space that allows me to respond to life rather than wrangle it. To release control. To let go. ... especially of strife. To prioritize my own needs and remove myself from others' negativity.
I love Ryan but when he's not in "Jekyl" mode...when he's in "Hyde" mode...he's a terrorist of my heart, mind, and soul. He is not a good boyfriend. And I need to face my fear of being alone.
What he has to offer isn't good enough. I want to make it so to make myself and him feel better....because I believe in him...because I see the potential that he has but if he doesn't choose it for himself, then there's nothing to be done. The timing is wrong. I want to be with someone who chooses life, love, healthy, joy, and kindness. Who wants to learn (with me) and play (with me) and that wants to love and be loved in return.
Ryan doesn't know what he wants but he does know and has expressed that he pretty much doesn't want what I want because I want it....if I want it, it's wrong and bad and he wants nothing to do with it. Just based on the fact that I do. I can't tell you how cruelly he says the word "unity", dripping with sarcasm and disdain.
Why am I wasting my precious time and life force on someone like this? "Because I love him!". Well, get over it! Because I think I can "save" him! Well, get over it. Save yourself, beloved.
What he has to offer isn't good enough. I want to make it so to make myself and him feel better....because I believe in him...because I see the potential that he has but if he doesn't choose it for himself, then there's nothing to be done. The timing is wrong. I want to be with someone who chooses life, love, healthy, joy, and kindness. Who wants to learn (with me) and play (with me) and that wants to love and be loved in return.
Ryan doesn't know what he wants but he does know and has expressed that he pretty much doesn't want what I want because I want it....if I want it, it's wrong and bad and he wants nothing to do with it. Just based on the fact that I do. I can't tell you how cruelly he says the word "unity", dripping with sarcasm and disdain.
Why am I wasting my precious time and life force on someone like this? "Because I love him!". Well, get over it! Because I think I can "save" him! Well, get over it. Save yourself, beloved.
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Because I want to help him stick to the diet (except when I'm the devil tempting him to "cheat days" for the holiday. True.)... but he has to learn to take responsibility for himself. And I need to go to the gym. And I don't want to be with someone who is a porn addict knowing I can never live up to the models he ogles. Side note, I wear a size 12!!!! That felt great! Got some new jeans today and they are great. I need to keep going on my diet and focus on my body and look and wardrobe. I want to be pretty for ME!
Note, the strife does lead to me recognizing my own schisms, i.e. my desire to have a compassionate partner is because I have a void in me that wants to vampirize that loosh (someone's care) to make me feel better if I feel bad. (Like yesterday when I ripped my coat. I was upset about it and told Ryan, hoping that he would show compassion, but instead he doubled down and called me stupid and that I deserved it. That felt bad, but I see how he felt my "pity me" energy and resisted it.) But as I told him (which he didn't like and told me NEVER to tell him anything again, that I'm not the authority... I said "couples are supposed to show compassion to one another". And I think that's a universal truth. But he said I've never had a successful relationship so I have no right to declare anything like that.
Note, the strife does lead to me recognizing my own schisms, i.e. my desire to have a compassionate partner is because I have a void in me that wants to vampirize that loosh (someone's care) to make me feel better if I feel bad. (Like yesterday when I ripped my coat. I was upset about it and told Ryan, hoping that he would show compassion, but instead he doubled down and called me stupid and that I deserved it. That felt bad, but I see how he felt my "pity me" energy and resisted it.) But as I told him (which he didn't like and told me NEVER to tell him anything again, that I'm not the authority... I said "couples are supposed to show compassion to one another". And I think that's a universal truth. But he said I've never had a successful relationship so I have no right to declare anything like that.
It's a really abusive, mind-fuck, of a relationship, aye? A part of me really wanted to explore this but I think we're ready to get out. Let him choose his curmudgeony, hermity, only animals allowed existence. Let him burn our photos and hook up with women. It's his life. And this is mine. Do I want to give mine away to someone who just squanders my love? He doesn't know he's doing it. It's not his fault. He's riddled with demons. And I want to be free and happy. And have time and margin in my life to love other people.... to visit Mr. Casey and call my Uncle Robert and Aunt Brenda and spend time with my sisters and nieces and nephews. To do a good job at work. Yep. I've got to choose me.
Is it time to JUMP (again)? This has a bit of a different meaning than in 2010, but not really. Follow God. Follow my heart. And go to sleep. You need rest sweet one. It's almost 10 and you have to get up at 6. To bed. I love you.
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