NYE

It's 11:11 on New Year's Eve.

Today was a dark day.... fighting with Paul. We started by saying we were going to work on it and ... I don't feel like getting into the details now but there was a point where Paul went outside and got mud to throw all around the house that we had cleaned for the 3 hours prior. 

Gaslighting. Confusion. So much mess. Right now there are fireworks outside and we are trying to keep the dogs from freaking out. Trying to keep ME from freaking out. My hair has fallen out... I must be down to a 1/4. It's all matted and a horrible mess. I have to surrender it.

I DID just make an appointment with Dr. Puja (who is now Dr. Allison)... I need some help/direction/love.

2023 is the year of REBIRTH.

May I be reborn in LOVE.

It's been a really rough year... 2022... 

There have been beautiful opportunities and experiences and really rough ones.... neither of which I have the bandwidth to feel into right now. 

I just want to pray for myself... dear Carissa... dear God... please hold sweet Carissa in this new year... please comfort, guide and hold her so she can feel safe and let go of the fear that has held her back from really experiencing life for the last 15 years. May you LIVE, dear girl. May you really LIVE. May you feel all of it... and let go of fear of death and fear of discomfort and aging and all the things I fear.... fear of LIVING. God, may I live!!?? Please cancel all contracts and agreements I've made to enslave myself and help me to let go and let ME liiiiivvve. Peace be with you sweet girl. May I remember my power and make choices aligned with LOVE and KINDNESS. 

Help me to shed preconceived ideas and doctrines and programming. Help me to be PRESENT and ALIVE and to feel. Help me to be a gold bowl in your sanctuary and to be a blessing to the people and beings and earth and all her creatures. Help me to embody the spirits of Christ.

Help me to be disciplined and diligent and successful and abundant.

Help me to be humble and pure and kind and patient and generous

Help me to be a force of GOOD.

I pray for protection for myself and all my loved ones.

I pray that the holes in my lightbody would be filled. 

I pray that I would let go of fear.

I pray that I would stop trying to control and stop judging all... 

I pray for a peaceful and gentle spirit.

I pray to be a support and helper for Paul but without giving myself away.

I pray for Paul's awakening and remembering his strength and power and that he would take responsibility in love for himself and for our family. 

I pray for my family to all be abundantly blessed with light and joy and that all their needs be met and that they would be safe and happy and healthy and joyful.

I pray for healing for all our hearts and minds and bodies.

11:22

You ARE LOVED sweet Carissa

Updates and stuff

Been seeing 12:17 LOTS this week. Including just a moment ago...although it's 5:26...but it was on something.... and I saw 4:44 this morning (it's 12/29). 

Paul and I got separate bank accounts yesterday and he put his car loan in HIS name which makes me feel a lot better. He took an extra $1200 out so he could take the "Emotion Codes" practitioner program. I wonder how he could hold space for other people when he can't even communicate himself...but I'm hopeful that the program and deep integration of that work will help him to connect to his own heart. He has strong feelings for it and I hope that is his soul taking him down the path for his own healing. 

Yesterday I got "Fallen Angelics" as my AG pick and I feel so strongly that is what Paul and I are healing. Maybe all of us on the earth are? I wonder if Lisa's work is also somewhat like Yeshua's parables... they provide another dimension to look at topics like architecture and human blueprint.

Paul and I are now kissing. I tried to get him to really kiss me last night but that didn't work. But he is kissing me goodbye for work, etc. I'm not sure what's going on and I need to rest in the ambiguity. And trust God. If Paul is going to be petty and not pay for our whole rent (i.e. pay for Sioux's board/portion), then I have to just let it be. I have to stop controlling him. I'm hoping the splitting of money will encourage him to take responsibility for himself and stop blaming me for everything...and help me to stop trying to control him.

My body is going through some stuff. 
I am done with sugar. But not as rule. I'm just going to make decisions that are aligned with health. I need to care for my sweet body. I woke up in a pool of sweat at 2am. Hopefully we are healing stuff. The tic on my cheek and hair falling out and anxiety and heart palpitations and crazy blood pressure, etc... no bueno.

I think the hardest thing this season was almost losing Rue. Mourning her and her cancer arising and that whole thing was a really hard thing to walk through.... I'm so grateful to God for letting me keep her longer... she's my best girlfriend!

2:34 1:22 3:03 4:44 (and I noticed Jeff Called a few minutes prior. I had been outside crying. Asking God to help me. Missing Kirk. Missing a male friend who cares about me. Seeing the Phoenix aurora rainbow solar rishi colors in gold, Christ-white, and blue as the sun set over the barn. 

Thank you, God, for my life and opportunities. I'm grateful for the lessons. 

I talked to Aunt Brenda today for about 30 minutes. She repeated herself many times... her mind is slipping some. It was nice to connect with her. 

I began reading Nancy Rich's book to her yesterday... today I called to let her know I was posting them on Telegram and when she picked up she sounded SO bad...she said her daughter wanted to take her to the hospital but she wanted to die at home. I asked her if she was dying and she eventually said no. But it could be any time. I felt lots of spirit when I was reading Chapter 1.  Reading her books is a good thing... it's like hospice volunteering but for my beloveds. I should maybe make them available for Aunt Brenda and Uncle Robert too? Or read a book to them ... their own book? I don't know. I don't need to make everything into a "thing".

It felt really nice to have Jenn send that message of love and support to me. And Kelsey yesterday. Sister-friend support is beautiful. I want to be open with this experience but not fall into a victim or needy energy. God please help me.

I'm trying to just let Paul BE and just follow his cues. I don't know what's happening but I do know that I don't feel loved, cherished, cared for or about, protected, guided, communicated with, desired, or pretty much anything from him. Perhaps it's too late... perhaps it's too broken. I don't know that he ever had the capacity to love me though... I kept TRYING (everything ... hear controlling) to try to create a situation where he loved me, but it backfired. 

We'll see what happens. God's will be done. 

It feels like he's a kindred spirit underneath all the trauma. But he has to choose to work through it and he has to really do that for himself. My princess coding wants him to do it for me and do it extravagantly.

I need to find happiness and security and love and all I need WITHIN.

 

Spitter Tech

It's 12/27 at 4:33 am.
Is this dizziness related to "splitter tech"?

Is it related to Paul?

It seems to get worse when I interact with him. Like it's a cloud of confusion...not seeing straight...

Maybe I'M not seeing straight.

I'm sure that's true. Blinded by entitlement? Pride?

Paul had to go back to his early schedule for this week.

I was just musing about how to try again to be with him... to fix this... if he could just let me manage the money then we might be able to make it work. But that's not true... this is more than about money. It's about communication, sex, money, beliefs, and consideration for one another. 

We are both too selfish. I say that but I feel like I've been so generous. But I feel like I'm blind to some things. I am so "accomplishment-oriented" that maybe I miss just sitting with him. It felt so nice yesterday as he sat by me when I was working. He was on the little ottomon by my desk on his phone in the sun and I was looking through applications. Just being near eachother felt nice... comfortable.

But this is more about him continually playing the victim and blaming me for feeling inadequate and like he's not accomplishing what he wants to. He has this ridiculous list of things that he never does each day... he has made lists of his supplements to take and he likes to check that off every day ... each supplement.... and each exercise (which he doesn't do). He would blame me for not sticking with his schedule as he has trash scheduled for Friday and Tuesday (or something) and if it needs to be taken out mid-week, he blames me for him not seeing it... or something like that. It's confusing and weird. But I am continually told that it's my fault that he doesn't do what he wants to do (read books, get ahead, do the programs he's started, etc.) 

It's my fault he doesn't stick to the budget.

It's my fault he watches television and sleeps and plays on his phone.
I've controlled and demanded all his time.

It's not true. 
Why can't he see the opposite? That I am his biggest cheerleader and support. That I work hard for our family - caring for the home and animals and making money to pay bills. That I do the majority of cooking and cleaning. That I spend so much energy - time and thought - trying to communicate with him and care for his needs and get on the same page?

We both just need to take responsibility for ourselves. For our life. I was trying to make a life with him according to my understanding. We both were. But it seems that he wants all of what I gave him and he doesn't feel that he needs to take responsibility in return. That there is a trade... that he gets those benefits but in return he looks after my security and emotional and physical needs. Instead it's all about him. 

It's been important. 
Unless some major changes happen, some major revelations, then this isn't going to work. 
I feel relieved to not be yoked to him.

But I also feel sad. 

Last night he hugged me against him on the couch and it was nice. I like having someone to be with... to share life with. I like knowing someone else thinks about me. I would and will be all by myself ... and that feels very sparse and sad and lonely and I don't like the idea of that. 

But I want to be with someone who loves me and wants to create a life TOGETHER. I want to be able to communicate and play and laugh and love. Not to be constantly guilted and feel like I can't do anything right. 

Good thing I can see that I am my own person and I can see above the attempts to manipulate me into feeling like I am to blame. I own me. He owns him. WE ARE GOD, SOVEREIGN, and FREE. I know that. I want to live that and then be a force of LOVE. Starting with me and then spilling over to my family and then pouring out into the world. 

It's just too hard with Paul. 
He hasn't come to the point in his awakening yet where he takes responsibility for himself. He has to do that before he can take responsibility for a family.

God, please help him. Guidance teams, please show him. 

God, please help me to be better.

God, I believe, please help my unbelief.

4:54

Negativity is a problem that we both have.

Negative lenses.

5:08 - I want to be with someone who wants to spend time with me. It was so nice to play games the other day. I want someone who wants to meditate and exercise with me. He has done YoQi with me a few times and that's really nice. I like to walk together but he doesn't talk to me pretty much at all on the walks. I like going places with him. I just like DOING and BEING together... experiencing life together. But we have different lenses... he sees himself as a victim of the government and police and everything...religion... holidays... people... everything. I don't want to see that anymore. I want to create my own lens... a happy and delighted one where I appreciate people appreciating life. Where I get on the happy train. Where we play and create and explore. 

Satanism (realizing that is a big topic) isn't fueling positivity and light.
Jesus might be...even though I perceive there to be a major consciousness hijack using the name of Jesus... there is the light of Christ coded into it. It's both a trap and a path that can lead to healing. 

5:15

___

9:44

Lots of anxiety always... why? Fear of the future? Fear of what doesn't exist? FEAR.

I see that I am playing the victim too. "It's Paul's "fault" that HE never took responsibility for the relationship.".... you see. Blaming Paul. If only PAUL had done what he said he would do, THEN I could live in peace. If only PAUL APPRECIATED me and treated me as his queen and took care of me, THEN we'd be great. No. It's not JUST PAUL. It's both of us.
I'm not sure I want to be with a satanist.

I don't like his music. I don't like television. I like vegetables. I like nature. I like talking and communicating and walks and adventures. I like penis-to-vagina sex. I like doing projects together. I like being kind to other people. I want someone who is also friendly. I want to be with someone who wants to hold me over torturing and forcing his dog into a position to hold him when I am RIGHT THERE and WANT to be held. 

I care too much.
I'm codependent.

I'm fearful and controlling.

I think I know better.

I'm a mess too.

I'm a mess more. 

We're mirror messes. 

9:53

_____

AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Solar_Feminine_Melchizedek

Light

Number 3

3 3 3 33 

Forgiveness

I feel relieved to not be yoked to negativity and satanism. 

He/we never truly committed. Never took responsibility for me/US (or frankly, for himself). We have to OWN ourselves first. (I just re-sent that Kelly Brogan book to myself ... I bought it in 2019, not sure if I read it.)

I need to own ME first. I need to find my own happiness and be enough for myself. 

Perhaps it could work that we will help each other out, but likely he will be dating other people and it may hurt... but I must remember that it was ME who didn't want to hang on. I really tried to give EVERYTHING for a year. I failed and WAS controlling due to fear and not feeling secure...but I was waiting and hoping for him to take the control I was begging for him to take. And anyway, it's not "control"... it's RESPONSIBILITY. 

Anyway, I want to be with someone who appreciates edifying music and spending quality time together in nature, etc. I think Paul DOES, but he's always complaining (and blaming me) for not getting whatever he wants to accomplish DONE. He did it again today... all weekend. I have NOT taken his time. He has asked me to watch a movie and TV with him and I have, but I have not put any burdens on him other than to invite him to Corie's for some meals which he enjoyed. 

I am grateful to witness how insidious the "victim" lens is. And how blameshifting works (vs. taking responsibility for our own lives). I don't want to do that. I also don't want to feel like Paul "let me down"... "promised one thing and lived another". While it may be true, I see that I did the same... no one is to "blame". "Blame" is the weapon to produce "shame" and that is a trap that kills. I want to be happy.... free... choose joy... choose peace. I believe that it IS possible to live happily ever after. I believe that someone out there will, one day, appreciate me for me. See me. See my heart. Know that I want to care for them and feel like they want to care for me too. 

I am a child of God. 
I am a keeper of the crystal core...light and darkness but all is based on crystal consciousness... which is wisdom based... "light" based. God, please take care of Melanie in Canada... protect and bless her. Thank you for all my wonderful friends and sisters. Thank you for this life and opportunity! I am held. YOU, GOD, are with me and I AM with you!!

Physical symptoms this season have been rough. From spleen pain to numb hands (both sometimes and my left only sometimes). I fell HARD again today on frozen ground and banged my head. I fell in the shower at Thanksgiving. This pulsing on the left side of my face. Pains in my spine and back - central and left wing bone. Headaches. Anxiety to the death. Vertigo/dizziness/confusion/disorientation. Abdominal pains. Nausea. Thyroid pressure. Hair falling out (sooooo much - in chunks!! Keeps coming.) Just wild. 

Thank you God for these doggies and Sioux and cheekins!

___

4:33 During meditation I thought of all the things I wanted to write but now they fell out of my head!

Today I pulled the "Tiger's Eye" Crystal card and then got "Clearing Solar Plexus Tech" as a meditation (card pull as well). I saw all those 3's... so the 3rd energy center/solar plexus/will definitely seems to be 'up'. 

Did I mention that Paul played games with me last night? That was so fun! He mostly liked playing on his ipad...but we got to play air hockey (on there) against each other, and a digital "connect four" which he kicked my butt at and a digital "hangman". It felt so cozy and nice.

I wish we got along better. But we enable eachother to overspend on food (primarily) ...grocieries and eating out... we enable eachother to overspend. Full stop. And we don't meet each other's sexual needs. (He wants blowjobs where I swallow and would prefer them daily. The last time I tried - 2 weeks ago maybe - I literally vomited all over him. I just don't like swallowing. And he just isn't motivated to have much regular sex... seems strange because I would think he would be, but we just don't do it as much as I'd like. I was really excited about tantra but ... everything is just so hard (and not him, I guess). I think all the sugar we've eaten also makes our bodies look and feel poor. That doesn't help. 

I was willing to play his "humbled female" games but he has only wanted to do that 2x... once in Alaska and once here. I don't know if I didn't do it right or what....and frankly, I wanted to help him heal himself. I think the reason he is into BDSM is because he feels that is "permission" to be in his God-given role as the leader. Unfortunately it skews it and makes it a game of violence. I just want him to lead... that's when I'm most turned on. That's when I enjoy being a woman. 

5:15

5:16

Woke this morning - rocking - into a new timeline. Rockabye baby.

My perception in a nutshell is that Paul never took responsibility or ownership over our relationship- presumably he was waiting for me to do it for him. I think that’s it. 

I also felt used. Not cherished or supported or protected. 

I have a problem with codependency which made me unwell. I tried to control in order to feel safe and to try to help Paul be what I believe he can be - strong, ambitious, successful. But the truth is I can’t do it for him and as Ammi said, “help is the sunny side of control”.

As Kirk said “pain is the axis of enlightenment”.

I could:
Write a book of Kirkisms
Write my business plan
Design some low content books
Record Mama Bear’s book to audio
Pray - meditate - qigong
Clean the house
Paint a picture of my parents

Read

Ps I am either black or dark purple in the mirror

I put myself here. Feel it. I know I am safe. I am exploring this realm

Got this AG pick right after I mentioned being black: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Orion_Black_League

Note, Paul also leaves almost all of the house chores up to me. I think he has maybe vacuumed once... maybe twice (if I'm generous) this year. He has not cleaned the tub once. He HAS cleaned the toilet as I don't prefer to do that... I think he's done it like 6 times...but again, I have maybe only done it once. We have both cleaned the bathroom sink a couple times... 5 or 6 each maybe? And I have been responsible for all the sweeping and vaccuming and cleaning the kitchen. (Note, our house is NOT very clean. I don't clean much...but I keep trying to not clean to see if he will. He has mentioned that he has it on his list, but it never happens. I wish we could clean together. 

I'm glad we are going to separate finances. I feel relief. Of course now I have to foot the bill all by myself for Sioux and Rue and Moses. He said he'll split the chickens with me. 

But I feel better. I felt like I was giving... I mean I WAS giving alllll of my paychecks and then getting poverty, blame, and grief. He said I wouldn't let him control it but I 100% did. A couple months ago I gave him 100% control!! Before that I wanted us to budget together and to meet and discuss ...that was the plan but that never happened. I think he/we had good intentions and plans but it just never happened. Excuse. Blame. Excuse. 

We are both at fault. 

We both need to "own our life". 

I'm eager to get back to it. 

Ding Dong - 1 Year - END!

I'm tired of the mind games. I received very little from this relationship. I like NOT being alone. But I do not like someone who perceives me as the enemy and treats me as such. Who is always angling to throw some energetic passive-aggressiveness at me. Who is bitter and unkind. Who swears so much - using the f-word as a weapon against me ... punching swear words into me. Who encourages his children in their drug use. Who bathes in satanic music. Who punishes me by not kissing me and going to bed without saying goodnight. Who withholds love. Who isn't interested in sharing consciousness and life and experience. We are just not right for one another. The lesson has turned from trying to be in a "UNITY" relationship into learning how to set boundaries, heal codependency and control issues, and taking back my power. 

The truth is PAUL needs to take back HIS power from whoever (Satan) he's given it to. He never took ownership of himself, let alone US. That's the core issue on his side. On my side it's that I couldn't sit in the discomfort of not being protected, guided, or loved and I took (retained) control of my life to make sure things kept going as best they could.

For whatever reason, Paul chooses pain, poverty, and victimhood. He's entitled to his life experience. 

I do not want to choose that. 

I want LOVE, ABUNDANCE, JOY, ADVENTURE, HAPPINESS, and SUCCESS. It is mine! 

So I come back to me. My project... my investment in Paul is over. I'm taking back my chips. I know I lost a LOT and will still have to carry his debt. We live together and I don't know how that will unravel but I trust God to lead. I am just going to take care of my family and home and love the best I can and HEAL.

There is no relationship in my future. I can't allow daydreaming about a "perfect man for me". I AM MY PERFECT. I need to learn to love and be enough for me. Thank you God for this opportunity to swim around on earth and explore all these matter realms and consciousness layers. 

I pray for the strength to stand firm. 

This has been a very hard year. Lots to learn and feel into. But I'm done. 

I asked my pendulum if it was a good time to break up with him and got a "yes" (like an "okay") and I asked if God was going to be mad at me and I got a "no" with a sweet loving hug. Thank you God. 

Struggle4Control

This is Paul's "handle"... or was... or is... on his dating sites, etc.... 

Struggle4Control

It just hit me last night (as he kicked me across the bed and to the wall... as he kicked Moses and accosted Manson)... this name came back to me. As he continually keeps berating me for trying to control him.

This is the life experience he has created for himself... this is what he wants to feel... the struggle for control. He is manifesting this for us and I am not enjoying it.

Now as we all know, I DO have a control issue... based in fear and codependency... but he has taken it to a ridiculous extreme. (Note, I got the "mirror" code lottttts yesterday.... 10:01 and 32:23 <---a bunch.) He has dramatized it and now pretends that I don't "let" him do anything. 

I did turn the TV off when we got home. He was watching his SECOND TV show and I was frazzled and tortured .... I guess you don't know about this yet... the "Avatar" nightmare "date". He turns the TV off on me regularly so I did it to him. But he has complained about it a bunch... and I DID apologize, I knew it was wrong. 

But I am not trying to control him in everything. I am vocal about my preferences. That's it. I say what I like or don't like. He doesn't have to go along with it.

Is this pulsing on my left cheek a suppressor parasite entity? 

The other main thing is that Paul is not a "shielder"... and I've gotten lax sometimes... but he seems to have similar architecture to me which means hybridization and dissociation and access for entities to dark portal through him. He is also a willing satanist and perpetuates the problem by allowing further access and programming by the music he listens to, etc. 

Last year when we got together Paul appeared to be interested in spiritual matters. He meditated and read spiritual books. I know these things ebb and flow but unless we are actively engaged with our consciousness, it can really take us for a ride. 

The Red Wave/Victim-victimizer software is running HARD. In both of us, but especially him. He chooses to "struggle4control" instead of recognizing he already has it. 

The Avatar thing was all about him trying to prove how I don't "follow" him. He said we were leaving at 6pm and I was ready but I said I didn't want to go if we weren't united. I asked him to please be kind. (Honestly this was my request all day yesterday...and I feel like until 6pm I really held strong and neutral.)... but I said I needed to eat and asked if we could stop for food and candy and he said we didn't have time. (Note, the movie started at 7pm 20 minutes away.) I also told him I didn't want to see the 3D version as 3D makes me sick.... he took us to that one anyway. I think I've mentioned that I've had vertigo for the last 2 weeks and the 3D glasses made it really hard/challenging. 

It's very cold out. 12 degrees? No 18 now. And sunny. 

He doesn't put our family first - when he gets up he wants to play games and whatever... not walk dogs or take care of chickens or horse. 

This is my architecture too... selfish and self-centered. But he is being called higher, as am I. Unfortunately due to our relationship, I feel that I am digressing. Getting pulled away from my spiritual family, deprioritizing spiritual support (like Charlotte and Puja). Following along with the poverty consciousness lie and "struggle4control". 

No more. I think maybe we can live together if he wants to, but being in a romantic relationship isn't working. He's not my "mate".... or if he is, he hasn't found himself yet to step into that role. I need a strong masculine partner who will be the "banks to my river" and my albion body/structure, protector, etc. I want to love and serve my beloved in a mutually supportive and loving relationship. I want someone that wants to explore consciousness with me - to talk and walk and live and love.

Paul isn't there. 

And I love him.

I think he's definitely a "genetic equal" and he "mirrors" my same challenges...but they are the ones that I overcame. I came back into this pit to explore it and overcome it. I must choose GSF!

And have compassion for Paul. Perhaps if he sticks around and I keep growing in spirit, it will encourage him. But I don't want this "struggle4control". I don't WANT "control". I want to live freely and lovingly and honestly. 

I don't want to judge or manipulate or do anything but BE ME. 

And that's what I need to focus on. DO ME AND LET PAUL BE.

____ 

10:55/12/24

My AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Being_Responsible_for_our_Darkness

Spot on.

I need to be who I see myself being. Kind. Harmless. Loving. Generous. Compassionate. In each moment I just need to come back to that.

My "Suggested" was to "reconnect spiritual energetic communication links".

Do you think that AG pick means that I am at fault (ONLY)? No. But I am only responsible for my part... so focus on that. 

I am not a victim. I am having the experience that I signed up for. 

I need to remember to shield. I need to let others "DO THEM"... have their own life experience.

I would like to have my own money and be responsible for myself. I accept that I will have to pay for Paul's car. I accept that he will have relationships with other girls. I accept that he will leave. But I must love me and focus on my own inner healing and resonance. I want to embody tikkun olam. 

____

I feel like I've got "splitter tech" running. Is this vertigo related to THAT? I picked it up in Raleigh on 12/12. How can I heal it? I feel this sort of overlay of disconnection and confusion.

Collecting Resentments

I just need to stand firm in the storm... in the wild whipping wind.... my emotions are amazingly still while Paul's are raging. The dark portal in him is throwing all the arrows to try to force me off kilter. I listened compassionately as he blamed me for ....everything. 

He asked me what he was *allowed* to eat

He blamed me for not *letting* him eat

He blamed me for keeping him from doing his "morning stuff" and got mad when I called Uncle Robert to kill time when he said he needed 15 minutes more... so then he sat there and didn't do his "morning stuff", instead seething at me and trying to guilt me for calling Uncle Robert. He said he can't concentrate if I'm talking... so I went in the bedroom and closed the door... still didn't do it. He's just collecting resentments.
He complained that I picked the TV show AND the movie (as I had asked him earlier this week if we could go see Avatar ... and again today). Today I tried to make it not a big deal and I know I can invite Caden to go see it... he suggested another movie and I said "okay". But he is blaming me for his not unpacking his stuff from his storage unit and not taking the time to do the programs or read the books or plan the life he wanted. He just keeps blaming and blaming and the victimizer software is really loud.

I want to break up with him, but I don't think that's for me. I just need to make choices to hold strong and remain clear ... to identify the gaslighting and blameshifting.

I tried to talk to him about the asian lady photo yesterday and he says it wasn't him... and there's nothing I can do about it... really.... but I don't feel that there is transparency. And now I just need to let him go. 

That's what it comes down to. I need to LET HIM GO but without control or tantrums or getting sucked into the web of manipulation. He also needs to release his dark mother consciousness WHEN HE'S READY.

I think he's a few years behind me (not like that's a thing... I mean, people awaken in different ways and timelines and stages)... but even the conversation today where he was trying to shame me for my choice to honor people's decisions to celebrate whatever holidays they want.... he says I'm encouraging them to participate in child sacrifice. I understand the viewpoint and where it comes from but I don't want to be that kind of person anymore.... it feeds my ego. I'd rather meet people where they are and feel their hearts and be joyful with those that are joyful and weep with those who weep.

I saw 2:22 today. And 9:23/23 and 10:23/23 and 11:22/23

God, you lead. I DO let go of this relationship. I DO let go of this drama. I DO let go of Paul. He needs to learn to take responsibility for himself... and I need to take responsibility for myself. Codependency causes me to try to control and I want to let go of control and trust THY plan, God! Thank you for all the resources and love.

Paul and I fight ANYTIME we are together. One of us creates division. It's not always him and it's not always me. But there is division. He says the only way to solve that is for me to give him blowjobs and swallow. This morning he said something about me swallowing his cum too. That's his focus. It's not love. It's not connection. It's not making love.

In 2 days he will have been here a year. 

God, I entrust him and this into your hands.

Carissa, take care of your inner child. You are doing the best you can. You don't want to cause harm and that is honorable. You want to face your fear and that is honorable. You are a beautiful soul and I love you! 

VLP

Posts in VLP (Vital Life Project), Kelly Brogan's community which I joined yesterday. So I'm trying on VLP, Ayla's Living Song, and feel sewn into OmniLov3 and living Energetic Synthesis.

Here's what I posted in response to a post in VLP:

Such a beautiful share! Thank you! An honor (and inspiration) to get a glimpse of this magical time with your beloveds. ✨ 

This post brought forward something related that I'd like to chew on. In a nutshell, I struggle with a lack of clarity about what is fear-based (and a subconscious attempt to keep me imprisoned) and what is my body/CNS saying "whoah Nelly...just rest for a bit." 

I've got a tangled snarl ball of fear tucked into some rather challenging physical symptoms which I frame as related to the ascension of the earth. I resonate with the idea that the collective earth and all riding in the matter plane along with her are getting "upgraded". This feels like it triggers CNS and endocrine system issues which waterfall down into physical discomfort and some pretty gnarly opportunities to overcome fear. 

I noticed in the last decade that this time of year I am called to the depths of my soul to hug my shadow and hold my inner child as we release the density that is ready to be healed (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually). I know I must face fear and often repeat a part of quote that sticks in my mind that says something like "you must do what you think you cannot do"... 

So your post met me in this place and I appreciate what you said here:

"What I have observed is that there is a phase where it is essential to honor your nervous system and meet yourself exactly where you are without judgment and without pushing through. And later there is a phase where it becomes essential to revisit the potential for movement into discomfort, going against your own grain, and exploring the possibility of new experiences of what safety can look like."

I'm grateful to be feeling through this and although I'm not sure where the line is for me, I sure appreciate the opportunity to observe all its nooks and crannies!

Here's that quote that I think of often!

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror'. I can take the next one that comes along. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."~Eleanor Roosevelt  

And here was my first post yesterday:

Hello friends! I hope everyone is having a lovely winter solstice. I am new to the group so not sure if it’s acceptable to share this kind of thing (and if not, please feel free to remove)… but found this (free) solstice reflection and meditation to be nourishing and elevating and thought I should share it with my new VLP friends! You can find it here: https://drsuemorter.com/solstice-message/

We'll see how it goes! It's 12:22 12:34!!

Winter Solstice

Happy Winter Solstice!! AHHHHH!!! We made it!! 12/21

Paul told me today that he's going to try to get another job Friday-Sunday so he can (ultimately this is his goal), buy the "Emotion Code" course. I think he needs to DO the emotion code, but whatever his path is... God bless it!

He doesn't spend time with me when he gets home or in the mornings. He just plays on his phone or watches TV. He's in his office/closet now. This isn't going to go well. I'm all by myself 12 hours a day and he doesn't make any time for me. He's touchy and sensitive and pouty and I can't be myself. He doesn't love me. He didn't listen to the song I sent yesterday (Banks). It just doesn't feel good. I am stuck though. Why do I put myself in these positions??  And I am most concerned about Manson. Manson is finally happy and has a good life. But do I trade mine for his? 

I think I learn to be happy in the midst of it. Continue working on my own ressurrection and restoration.... this is the space to do it. I said I wouldn't be in a relationship if we broke up so just appreciate this space... it's like being alone but not being alone. Get to know and love myself again. Heal ME. LOVE ME. 12/21 10:10

I need to stop looking for fullfilment outside of myself. Let Paul have his experience and process as well and I need to disconnect from codependency and "DO ME AND LET PAUL BE"!! GAH

That's been the message all year. 

DO IT!

____

3:29... dizzy when I was crouching down and then getting up...  my left knee has been hurting this month especially too...

____

Black Magic Galore

I have been burping up a storm... this time of night last night and tonight. CLEAR BLACK MAGIC!!

My spleen has been hurting. CLEAR AND HEAL CRUCIFIXION IMPLANTS!!

Thanks be to God for what appears to be an answered prayer and miracle for Rue who seems to be getting better!!!

Thanks be to God for my friend Jannelle and for the love and friendship we share. She took us for a reflexology and back massage today. And brought us cookies!! I need to stop eating cookies. 

My spleen hurts a lot though. 

And it's going to be SO COLD this weekend. The collective fear about it makes it worse. 

Paul and I identified red wave influence ... the energies that are trying to divide us and create victim and blame energies in us. 

Breathe. Drink water. Relax. All is well. We're a part of something special. 

This morning when I did my coffee enema... I couldn't hold it and then I got so hot and as I let it go I got so nauseous and drooly and thought for sure I was going to vomit. I woke up needing to diarrhea too. I think I must be dumping something... copper?

New energies

Grateful for the break. Ophiucius ended yesterday and today I'm feeling much better. Big bright sun. No dizziness. 

Paul is broadcasting negative energy which is upsetting me. Last night he was laying with Manson. He asked if I wanted to do foot massages and I said yes and then asked him to braid my hair (to keep it from freaking me out with the chunks falling out) and he said no he was busy. So no foot massages either. We went to bed disconnected again. And he got up a little before 7 and I saw him in the bathroom and said "good morning" and he ignored me. He responded "good morning" after I did all the animal chores at around 8:30 and hasn't said anything else except to tell me that he didn't want to walk around the block because of the pants I was wearing and then after we left he told me to give him the dogs and told me to go back to change.

It feels too hard. His heart is closed. I can't help him. Forgive me for my martyr mentality and hero-savior ideas that keep me going in this. But I also need to not control it. I'm getting whipped around by the energies. He's a whirlwind of negative and satanic energies. He feeds himself satanist music and negativity. But this is what I came for. To explore the darkness. The thickness. The pain. The challenges. But ultimately it's to OVERCOME... like brother Yeshua did. 

And I trust God... I must trust God to fight for me. Exodus 14:14

I don't need to drive. I just need to try to remain in the light. Smile. Be at peace. Choose love. But I can't DO anything... I can't CONTROL anything. I can't CHANGE Paul. I can't influence his love. He is either in love or not. And he sure doesn't appear to be. His thinking and choices (such as choosing homelessness when he had $5000 in the bank... and saying if we break up that he and Manson are going to live in his car... choosing that. If he chooses that for himself that's one thing, but I can't be a party to abusing Manson further. Manson is so sweet but Paul messes with him too. 

Kirk was my genetic equal and I loved spending time with him. Mr. Burch and I are good too... but ultimately it's ME that I need to be with. ME and me. We've got to work on this life. Figure it out. Work, love, dream. This lifepark thing is my project - 2023.... I need my resources for that. Paul isn't engaged. I don't know what God has up hisher sleeve... but Paul has either got to have a massive awakening or we're going to be removed. But it's not for me to drive. I have to let it be between God and Paul and I need to have everything be between God and I. Focus on boundaries and being authentic.

_____

11:02 .... dang. dizziness.
14:44 - turning to 14:45
14:41/44
3:33

17:17/18

______

The victim consciousness is trying to get me too. I'm blaming Paul for his lack of consciousness. But how can one blame someone for that... blame. You see? I'm blinded by it. 

I don't feel like re-writing this so I'll send what I sent to Evangline:

As soon as I wrote about the relief the dizziness and crap came back. Womp womp. And Paul and I have been arguing all day. It’s just not good between us. He’s been beating me over the head all week about how I took his poop bags off his dog’s leash when he got here and it set the tone that I was in charge and that he couldn’t lead …basically a victim-sob-story-excuse for his lack of taking responsibility for himself (or me/us). It’s ugly.

Yesterday as my hair is falling out in clumps and my dog is dying, I begged him for some compassion. (I didn’t beg dramatically… we were on a walk and I asked him to please show me some kindness/compassion and I think he actually said “no”…but I might be making that up… that might be a lie… but it was what he said energetically and has NOT been supportive of me at all.  

It’s because he’s going through his own mess. This victim mentality is swallowing him. And I see it must be a mirror for me. Ugh. So ugly. 

But it's been a NIGHTMARE with his blame shifting for his lack of being a responsible party and "manning up".... because I took the poop bags off the leash??? LAST YEAR? THAT'S why he won't take responsiblity for himself. He says I "took his sovereignty" by doing that. And also brought up a time when I tried to take his underware off when I was trying to get kinky. He said he wanted to keep them on to go to bed and I ripped them off and we equated that to me raping him... I acknowledge that it was. Of course I didn't... I was playfully trying to pull his undeware off in bed... but ... this is his perception. He said my taking the poop bags off the leash was like a rape too. 

I want someone stronger and smarter and more conscious/awake than me. I want someone who wants to be a strong masculine presence... the albion body... the structure... protector, provider, and the one who drives purpose.... 

It keeps coming around with Paul because we are not equally yoked. We are not married. There's no reason this has to be so hard. We can just go our separate ways. 

No, Jeff or anyone else is NOT a substitute. I need to just be with ME. To work on this vision and love our animals...my companions... and HEAL. 

This was a third round of nightmare relationship. When I love someone I become co-dependant and that's the problem. 

And victim consciousness. And lack of compassion. Closed heart. Lack of honesty. I feel this gaslighting energy around me - from and to Paul. It's ugly.

I'm tired. 

Hair falling out

I woke up at 3:22 and feel that there are more giant chunks of my hair hanging down... like disconnected from my scalp. GIANT ONES. I've lost sooooo much hair in the last couple weeks... two weeks maybe? 

It's getting worse and worse too. I'm scared. It's triggering my anxiety. 

Decided to post on the forum:

Dear beloved family,

This feels like part of ego dismantling but I’m mortified and anxious so I thought I’d ask if anyone else has experienced this and has any suggestions…

My hair is literally coming out in chunks. Seems like I’ve lost half my hair in the last week or two. I’m not really sure when it started … but it has definitely been since Thanksgiving because I remember being vain about my hair for a photo we took during that time.

I’ve been so dizzy and disoriented since Monday (12/12) with intense anxiety and symptoms that go with that (heart palpitations, chills, nausea, abdominal pains, etc.). Feels like liquid plasma light coming to displace shadow but it definitely puts pressure on CNS and endocrine system.

I’m afraid to google about the hair - I’m sure there are lots of scary reasons why my body might be doing this but again it feels like part of the annual ego dismantling and shadow purging that happens this time of year… and this whole intense year has been a doozie as I'm sure you can attest to.

Anyway… if there are any suggestions, I’d really appreciate it.

Love,

Carissa

ps. It seems like my hair is a spiritual antenna. I'm afraid if I lose it all I will lose some God connection.

pss. My partner really likes my hair. He was anxious when I was getting it trimmed last week. I wondered if this was also ego dismantling for him too? What if he doesn't like me if I lose all my hair? He first joked that he wouldn't like me (or something), but then later said of course he would.

psss. Those two "ps" are some fears associated with this that I want to call out.

____

After reading responses here is my response later today:

Oh my goodness... thank you so so much beloved sisters. I am sitting here with tears and snot dripping down my face from the beautiful healing sobs that poured through as I read and felt your love, compassion, understanding, and wisdom. Thank you so very much. So so so much.

The solidarity in knowing that I'm not alone is incredibly supportive. I had forgotten (and still forget...it feels like a distant memory) where Lisa mentioned experiencing this too. And hearing all your experiences is really encouraging to my Ophiucus-frazzled being.

And Emma, I remember reading your hair thread earlier this year - I will go back and read it again now with new eyes...but there were life-giving codes in it that have stayed with me. I appreciate you and your courage, wisdom and all you share. You inspire me.

Rosemary, straight up - I definitely was circling heavy metal toxicity and mineral imbalances. Thank you for saying that you're not feeling that. Been in a 3D / higherD mental battle about that for sure.

Anastasia, that makes so much sense about feeling it's related to emf/electronic harassment. I ponder where the line is in my emf hypersensitivity vs. kundalini/activations. It feels blurry to me. I pray you find the peace you are looking for (and resolution) in regards to your hair not growing.

Myriam, thank you for sharing your journey - the dry frazzled hair is what I'm seeing too. Like it's burned. Spot on. I bet you are going to look and feel amazing after you shave your head next week. Awesome!

I just remembered to share that this happened to me before in late 2016 I believe. And I have a vague recollection of it happening in 2009 perhaps....but not as clear. It was so concerning in 2016 but my consciousness wasn't as evolved at that time (and/or time has healed the trauma of it). It is definitely a call to deeper surrender of ego and fear. I can't tell you how much ya'lls words (love) have helped.

Roseanne, So many thought-provoking points, as usual. I definitely have been feeling thyroid dysregulation... and the brain upgrades ...and the black magic. Super duper appreciate you and this!

Titania, Sending you strength as you persevere during these challenging times. I feel ya sister!!!

Melissa, thank you so much for your comforting message and wishes for neutrality for me... may it be so! Your description about kundalini burning off your hair seems very resonant and I appreciated you sharing your experience. It was very powerfully supportive.

Mary, "this too shall pass"... thank you. Thank you for understanding/walking through it yourself, and for your strengthening note.

You are all wonderful.
Love and GRATITUDE,
Carissa
 

_____

Some of the fears I jotted down after reading "Overcoming Fear" that was my "Suggested for Today". I wrote more in my hand written journal. This was the last day of Ophiucus and I'm actually starting to feel a bit better. Grateful for the work and clearings:

I feel fear about

Dying

Change

Loss

Fear of losing Rue - my friend and comfort and compadre and love and beauty and partner

Fear of suffering 

Fear of fear

Fear of anxiety 

Fear of losing control

Fear of aging

Fear of my body in dis-ease

Fear of death

Fear of failure

Fear of poisoning 

Fear of toxins

Fear of heavy metals

Fear of emf

Fear of being killed

Fear of losing my home and comfort and safety 

Fear of being stuck like this - dizzy and disoriented forever

Fear of all my hair falling out

Fear of being bald

Fear of being laughed at

Fear of people not liking me

Fear of letting people down

Fear of not being loved 

Fear of discomfort

Fear of losing control