New energies

Grateful for the break. Ophiucius ended yesterday and today I'm feeling much better. Big bright sun. No dizziness. 

Paul is broadcasting negative energy which is upsetting me. Last night he was laying with Manson. He asked if I wanted to do foot massages and I said yes and then asked him to braid my hair (to keep it from freaking me out with the chunks falling out) and he said no he was busy. So no foot massages either. We went to bed disconnected again. And he got up a little before 7 and I saw him in the bathroom and said "good morning" and he ignored me. He responded "good morning" after I did all the animal chores at around 8:30 and hasn't said anything else except to tell me that he didn't want to walk around the block because of the pants I was wearing and then after we left he told me to give him the dogs and told me to go back to change.

It feels too hard. His heart is closed. I can't help him. Forgive me for my martyr mentality and hero-savior ideas that keep me going in this. But I also need to not control it. I'm getting whipped around by the energies. He's a whirlwind of negative and satanic energies. He feeds himself satanist music and negativity. But this is what I came for. To explore the darkness. The thickness. The pain. The challenges. But ultimately it's to OVERCOME... like brother Yeshua did. 

And I trust God... I must trust God to fight for me. Exodus 14:14

I don't need to drive. I just need to try to remain in the light. Smile. Be at peace. Choose love. But I can't DO anything... I can't CONTROL anything. I can't CHANGE Paul. I can't influence his love. He is either in love or not. And he sure doesn't appear to be. His thinking and choices (such as choosing homelessness when he had $5000 in the bank... and saying if we break up that he and Manson are going to live in his car... choosing that. If he chooses that for himself that's one thing, but I can't be a party to abusing Manson further. Manson is so sweet but Paul messes with him too. 

Kirk was my genetic equal and I loved spending time with him. Mr. Burch and I are good too... but ultimately it's ME that I need to be with. ME and me. We've got to work on this life. Figure it out. Work, love, dream. This lifepark thing is my project - 2023.... I need my resources for that. Paul isn't engaged. I don't know what God has up hisher sleeve... but Paul has either got to have a massive awakening or we're going to be removed. But it's not for me to drive. I have to let it be between God and Paul and I need to have everything be between God and I. Focus on boundaries and being authentic.

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11:02 .... dang. dizziness.
14:44 - turning to 14:45
14:41/44
3:33

17:17/18

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The victim consciousness is trying to get me too. I'm blaming Paul for his lack of consciousness. But how can one blame someone for that... blame. You see? I'm blinded by it. 

I don't feel like re-writing this so I'll send what I sent to Evangline:

As soon as I wrote about the relief the dizziness and crap came back. Womp womp. And Paul and I have been arguing all day. It’s just not good between us. He’s been beating me over the head all week about how I took his poop bags off his dog’s leash when he got here and it set the tone that I was in charge and that he couldn’t lead …basically a victim-sob-story-excuse for his lack of taking responsibility for himself (or me/us). It’s ugly.

Yesterday as my hair is falling out in clumps and my dog is dying, I begged him for some compassion. (I didn’t beg dramatically… we were on a walk and I asked him to please show me some kindness/compassion and I think he actually said “no”…but I might be making that up… that might be a lie… but it was what he said energetically and has NOT been supportive of me at all.  

It’s because he’s going through his own mess. This victim mentality is swallowing him. And I see it must be a mirror for me. Ugh. So ugly. 

But it's been a NIGHTMARE with his blame shifting for his lack of being a responsible party and "manning up".... because I took the poop bags off the leash??? LAST YEAR? THAT'S why he won't take responsiblity for himself. He says I "took his sovereignty" by doing that. And also brought up a time when I tried to take his underware off when I was trying to get kinky. He said he wanted to keep them on to go to bed and I ripped them off and we equated that to me raping him... I acknowledge that it was. Of course I didn't... I was playfully trying to pull his undeware off in bed... but ... this is his perception. He said my taking the poop bags off the leash was like a rape too. 

I want someone stronger and smarter and more conscious/awake than me. I want someone who wants to be a strong masculine presence... the albion body... the structure... protector, provider, and the one who drives purpose.... 

It keeps coming around with Paul because we are not equally yoked. We are not married. There's no reason this has to be so hard. We can just go our separate ways. 

No, Jeff or anyone else is NOT a substitute. I need to just be with ME. To work on this vision and love our animals...my companions... and HEAL. 

This was a third round of nightmare relationship. When I love someone I become co-dependant and that's the problem. 

And victim consciousness. And lack of compassion. Closed heart. Lack of honesty. I feel this gaslighting energy around me - from and to Paul. It's ugly.

I'm tired.