Money woaaaah

I wrote this days ago... maybe even last week... and I've had it in an email window and don't know what to do with it. I can't even read it again...but I should. I'm sure it's filled with victim mentality, poverty consciousness, and negativity. I want to keep it as it was part of my processing. It looks like Braden has given me a raise.. I got $200 more dollars in this paycheck so he probably gave me a $500 raise which is a huge blessing that I need to thank him for when he calls. He still hasn't called and it's been close to a month since I've asked to discuss. 

I have a couple good job leads... one that I feel confident I could have but turned it down this morning ... an insurance sales agent position in Wake Forest. I love Wake Forest and would love to move closer BUT Paul just got promoted (not sure if there's more money yet) and we really need to foster that relationship... he can't drive further to work either. 

NOT TO MENTION... I must pursue this dream/vision for "LifePark" or whatever we'll call it... definitely not LifePark... but it will be life-giving so we'll see. Anyway... I need to feel into that. I was made for something more than this and opening that park could be AMAZING!!! WILL BE amazing!! Troy is super excited about it too!

Anyway... like Paul said, I just need to trust the Universe. 
Had some really crazy energies come in around sun-rise today... got very dizzy and a little out-of-body feeling... realized I had my obsidian yoni egg in from last night and wondered if it was that? Got the obsidian wand out and worked with healing my sexual energy centers (masturbation)... trying to feel into the energy... wanting to open my energy bodies and centers up to be a FREE-FLOWING VESSEL for the DIVINE!

I just realized that I forgot my coffee enema coffee and oatmeal! Eep! So without further ado, here's the rant. Don't look! (I'm kidding - you can!) ;)

I have been mulling over this for months… but had slight undertows of agitation and bitterness for the year…. and it may be … probably IS…. my fault. My failure. But I feel like I’m being underpaid. I have always thought of my role with you as a way to show support for you and your work. It’s never been about money for me…. until I really needed the money, then it was a god-send to have a work-from-home job that helped with the bills. 

My life has changed so much this year and I believe a big part of it is that I am now working for a big chunk of every day. I used to spend a lot of my time meditating and doing healing and creative things, but now I am tethered to this computer. I do Malai work 4-5 hours throughout the day. I’m ashamed and not sure why it takes so long and I’ve been trying to pay attention to how I work and frankly I am like a butterfly that just flits… I’m in the middle of applications now and then decided to write this note to you… and that’s kind of how it works. So sometimes it flows and sometimes it doesn’t… but either way I spend hours every morning, afternoon, and sometimes in the evening (I’ve been trying to cut back on that). So again, it’s my own fault and flow…. but I am bitter and resentful at myself for trading my life for $250 more a week and wanted to talk to you about it.

I don’t know what’s best for you… if you would like to hire someone else to do that part or all the parts or if you could consider paying me more. As it stands, depending on how you look at it and whether I am working 4-5 hours a day or 6-7 days a week, I’m making anywhere from $12 to $20 an hour. The $20 an hour isn’t the worst…but with a close to 12 year tenure, I thought it was worth bringing up. 

The state of the world - the cost of living, etc. - is also squeezing us. Negative $4 in our bank account and debt up to our eyeballs and not being able to afford food or medicine is taking a toll. 

I’ve been applying for other jobs but there aren’t many part time options. There’s one I’m waiting to hear from. Otherwise I’ll have to do a full time insurance job or something (which I am applying for)…but then I think I’ll have to let the hiring part (at least) go for Malai because I still have animal care and Paul care to manage…not to mention the fact that I am a delicate butterfly… I really need to get back to better self-care. My health is tanking. Stress doesn’t help.

Anyway, I’m struggling and wanted to let you know. Financially and functionally. Again, maybe there’s something wrong with me… maybe I’m a slow poke… but it is what it is and I need to address it so that I can find a solution. 

___

It’s me. It takes me double the time … and I get distracted.

But I took a $1000mo pay raise… $250 a week… to take on 25 more hours of work. 

So the question is to ME… do I want to continue or not?

I want a $1000 raise. That would make me feel better. It’s been so hard this year.

I don’t do much with social media… which reminds me that I need to post something. And no major menu changes…maybe ONE. 

What’s fair?

I still think $3000 a month is fair… that’s $25 an hour (for 30 hours). I wish I had more, but that would be a blessing.