Light

Number 3

3 3 3 33 

Forgiveness

I feel relieved to not be yoked to negativity and satanism. 

He/we never truly committed. Never took responsibility for me/US (or frankly, for himself). We have to OWN ourselves first. (I just re-sent that Kelly Brogan book to myself ... I bought it in 2019, not sure if I read it.)

I need to own ME first. I need to find my own happiness and be enough for myself. 

Perhaps it could work that we will help each other out, but likely he will be dating other people and it may hurt... but I must remember that it was ME who didn't want to hang on. I really tried to give EVERYTHING for a year. I failed and WAS controlling due to fear and not feeling secure...but I was waiting and hoping for him to take the control I was begging for him to take. And anyway, it's not "control"... it's RESPONSIBILITY. 

Anyway, I want to be with someone who appreciates edifying music and spending quality time together in nature, etc. I think Paul DOES, but he's always complaining (and blaming me) for not getting whatever he wants to accomplish DONE. He did it again today... all weekend. I have NOT taken his time. He has asked me to watch a movie and TV with him and I have, but I have not put any burdens on him other than to invite him to Corie's for some meals which he enjoyed. 

I am grateful to witness how insidious the "victim" lens is. And how blameshifting works (vs. taking responsibility for our own lives). I don't want to do that. I also don't want to feel like Paul "let me down"... "promised one thing and lived another". While it may be true, I see that I did the same... no one is to "blame". "Blame" is the weapon to produce "shame" and that is a trap that kills. I want to be happy.... free... choose joy... choose peace. I believe that it IS possible to live happily ever after. I believe that someone out there will, one day, appreciate me for me. See me. See my heart. Know that I want to care for them and feel like they want to care for me too. 

I am a child of God. 
I am a keeper of the crystal core...light and darkness but all is based on crystal consciousness... which is wisdom based... "light" based. God, please take care of Melanie in Canada... protect and bless her. Thank you for all my wonderful friends and sisters. Thank you for this life and opportunity! I am held. YOU, GOD, are with me and I AM with you!!

Physical symptoms this season have been rough. From spleen pain to numb hands (both sometimes and my left only sometimes). I fell HARD again today on frozen ground and banged my head. I fell in the shower at Thanksgiving. This pulsing on the left side of my face. Pains in my spine and back - central and left wing bone. Headaches. Anxiety to the death. Vertigo/dizziness/confusion/disorientation. Abdominal pains. Nausea. Thyroid pressure. Hair falling out (sooooo much - in chunks!! Keeps coming.) Just wild. 

Thank you God for these doggies and Sioux and cheekins!

___

4:33 During meditation I thought of all the things I wanted to write but now they fell out of my head!

Today I pulled the "Tiger's Eye" Crystal card and then got "Clearing Solar Plexus Tech" as a meditation (card pull as well). I saw all those 3's... so the 3rd energy center/solar plexus/will definitely seems to be 'up'. 

Did I mention that Paul played games with me last night? That was so fun! He mostly liked playing on his ipad...but we got to play air hockey (on there) against each other, and a digital "connect four" which he kicked my butt at and a digital "hangman". It felt so cozy and nice.

I wish we got along better. But we enable eachother to overspend on food (primarily) ...grocieries and eating out... we enable eachother to overspend. Full stop. And we don't meet each other's sexual needs. (He wants blowjobs where I swallow and would prefer them daily. The last time I tried - 2 weeks ago maybe - I literally vomited all over him. I just don't like swallowing. And he just isn't motivated to have much regular sex... seems strange because I would think he would be, but we just don't do it as much as I'd like. I was really excited about tantra but ... everything is just so hard (and not him, I guess). I think all the sugar we've eaten also makes our bodies look and feel poor. That doesn't help. 

I was willing to play his "humbled female" games but he has only wanted to do that 2x... once in Alaska and once here. I don't know if I didn't do it right or what....and frankly, I wanted to help him heal himself. I think the reason he is into BDSM is because he feels that is "permission" to be in his God-given role as the leader. Unfortunately it skews it and makes it a game of violence. I just want him to lead... that's when I'm most turned on. That's when I enjoy being a woman. 

5:15

5:16

Woke this morning - rocking - into a new timeline. Rockabye baby.

My perception in a nutshell is that Paul never took responsibility or ownership over our relationship- presumably he was waiting for me to do it for him. I think that’s it. 

I also felt used. Not cherished or supported or protected. 

I have a problem with codependency which made me unwell. I tried to control in order to feel safe and to try to help Paul be what I believe he can be - strong, ambitious, successful. But the truth is I can’t do it for him and as Ammi said, “help is the sunny side of control”.

As Kirk said “pain is the axis of enlightenment”.

I could:
Write a book of Kirkisms
Write my business plan
Design some low content books
Record Mama Bear’s book to audio
Pray - meditate - qigong
Clean the house
Paint a picture of my parents

Read

Ps I am either black or dark purple in the mirror

I put myself here. Feel it. I know I am safe. I am exploring this realm

Got this AG pick right after I mentioned being black: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Orion_Black_League

Note, Paul also leaves almost all of the house chores up to me. I think he has maybe vacuumed once... maybe twice (if I'm generous) this year. He has not cleaned the tub once. He HAS cleaned the toilet as I don't prefer to do that... I think he's done it like 6 times...but again, I have maybe only done it once. We have both cleaned the bathroom sink a couple times... 5 or 6 each maybe? And I have been responsible for all the sweeping and vaccuming and cleaning the kitchen. (Note, our house is NOT very clean. I don't clean much...but I keep trying to not clean to see if he will. He has mentioned that he has it on his list, but it never happens. I wish we could clean together. 

I'm glad we are going to separate finances. I feel relief. Of course now I have to foot the bill all by myself for Sioux and Rue and Moses. He said he'll split the chickens with me. 

But I feel better. I felt like I was giving... I mean I WAS giving alllll of my paychecks and then getting poverty, blame, and grief. He said I wouldn't let him control it but I 100% did. A couple months ago I gave him 100% control!! Before that I wanted us to budget together and to meet and discuss ...that was the plan but that never happened. I think he/we had good intentions and plans but it just never happened. Excuse. Blame. Excuse. 

We are both at fault. 

We both need to "own our life". 

I'm eager to get back to it.