Challenges

It's not even 6am and here's my interaction with Paul... 

What I wrote:

Right now it's not fair... I'm playing the role of housewife which SHOULD be a paid/provided for position...but it's not. I'm doing it for free. I'm ALSO working two and a half part-time jobs and bringing in the same amount of money (or more) which I don't get to keep. AND I'm the one in debt and it's my credit that's getting raked through the coals. You aren't committing to me. I'm hurt that, again last night as we were going to bed, you held Manson and then put up your wall against me, giving me another anxious and sleepless night tossing and turning and wondering and feeling sad and rejected. It's been 2 days and you haven't apologized or even addressed the fact that you are still oogling other women - you haven't honored my broken heart and trust ...and the thing is... I wouldn't want you to fake it... I don't want platitudes... i want someone who wants me wholeheartedly and who loves me as much as I love them and wants to build a life and future with me! I put a year into this relationship in the hopes that it would blossom and there are some hopeful and beautiful things when you open your heart, but you haven't chosen me... you are holding out for someone better... and I feel that ... and it hurts. But I can't continue bleeding my everything for you and having you let it just go down the drain. So something's gotta give. I'm tired of hearing your victim mentality that the reason you don't want to commit to me is because I break up with you all the time... I don't. I have tried to break up with you in earnest twice this year because you weren't addressing my concerns. I'm always trying/wanting to move forward... to grow in love and connection... but it takes two and the truth is that you aren't in it fully with me. I sense that and try to resolve it (either by bringing something up to work on or if I've gotten frustrated, I try to run away). But if you look at the trends, it's always ME TRYING. 

You are trying too. I know. But the problem is foundational... at your core, you don't love me wholeheartedly. If I were skinny/beautiful ...and enjoyed swallowing.... and Asian... you would think you won the lotto. You have a devoted, hard working, spiritual, truth-seeking, woman whose pleasure it is to help you accomplish your dreams. But it's not enough. I am getting the other end of the stick from when I was with Michael. He loved me and served/helped me and I took him for granted because I didn't love him like that... I got in a relationship with him for the wrong reasons (because I thought my soul was damned without a "cover")....and I loved him (and still do) as a beautiful soul and friend... but he was never "my person". I thought you were. But you maybe are just responding to ... going along with... my powerful energy and love which is just giving and giving and giving to you. But I have to stop giving myself away. I am made to give to my PARTNER... my BELOVED.... my SPOUSE... my OTHER HALF... my HUSBAND...and there is someone out there who will love and cherish and honor me for who I AM. I put the cart before the horse thought that giving myself to you would make you love me. It was just another control tactic based on fear of not being loved. Ugh. 

Anyway... I need truth.

I took out the part about Manson... how he cries in Paul's arms when he's hot and uncomfortable but Paul won't let him go because HE wants him to lay with him... when I'm sitting there dejected and wanting to be held...but he forces Manson to lay with him and not the way that Manson is comfortable. And he spits in his food. It's selfish and self-centered.

I might be like Ramsey though....wanting to work through all the bumps... to feel into and smooth them out and maybe making Paul's life more complicated because he has enough on his plate. He just got a promotion and I'm so happy for him! He is a really great employee and has been promoted 2x since he's been there (less than a year)! He does keep trying to be better and better to me too. He just doesn't hear me or see me... I feel taken for granted. He hasn't committed and that's been vexxing my soul. He wants me to be the woman and also take some of the burden of being the man/provider. 

Is it the full-moon or astrology that's causing this? Why can't I just be happy? Why am I negative/always looking for things to be BETTER instead of GRATEFUL for what they ARE?
Be happy and positive and grateful!!

Please don't get me wrong... I'm grateful and honored to be a witness to the beautiful work you are doing to reclaim your body, mind, and soul! You are healing deeply and I support you wholeheartedly! I see the steps you are taking to be a good boyfriend... how you brought forward books to listen to to improve our communcation... how you hug and kiss me and ask about my day... how you try to please me in what we watch on TV...and the beautiful way you have made love to me. How you do your best to look through a lens of gratitude and positivity. I see how you are respected and seen for the great work you are doing at your job... I'm delighted (and excited) for your new role and feel that God and/or Brandon is grooming you for something more. Your patience and faith and trust in the Universal plan inspires me! I'm grateful for your continued pursuit of health and healing and understanding what's going on with the bodies on the earth (the "bigs" doing what they can to destroy the human blueprint)... I'm so happy that you have an interest in that too!! You are definitely a kindred spirit and I absolutely adore you! I am proud of you, blessed to know and witness your life and continued evolution... you are absolutely amazing and I don't want my feelings above to take away from that. LIke I said, I just want TRUTH. I want to live in the flow of the truth spirit... in the Way... the Derek ;)... and am always just feeling for that. So again... please don't take this as an attack on your person.. you are perfect just the way you are. You are more than perfect! I love you and want the best for you, Paul. And for me. And I SOOOO wish that added up to "US"... but my wishes only go so far. But if we can strive for TRUTH and then plan/walk accordingly, then I think we'll go places. 

I tried to go back to bed but had to get up to put the happy spin out there. I've seen 4:14, 9:19, 6:16 this morning.

___

Of course it's 10:22... I've been seeing that a TON this week. 
KIRK!!! This is when he dropped his body... 10/22. Been thinking about him too. And just NOW I pulled a crystal card... I wanted to pull it for Le'Anna and maybe it IS for her but it is DEFINITELY for me. I didn't know this stone existed but it's SO ME.
https://thecrystalcouncil.com/crystals/auralite-23

Maybe Kirk sent it? Maybe Kirk is helping me? We are all one in Crystal/Christ...and I do believe he was (in ... one of... part of.. the Messiah/Christ as are all of our natural human Krystic parts)... anyway... let me get a picture of this... WILD! I saw 9:23 too today. And 19:23 yesterday (which is another way to say 923... and this stone is related to Aquarius which is one of my signs...my moon sign...and we're in a full moon now.... dannnng... 

..."the soul connector" ... that's one of my jobs too, I think. MY PEOPLE! This stone is MY PEOPLE!! 

____

I had a nice day with Le'Anna and we had dinner (Pho) with Jannelle. I ended up getting that rock! Apparently another name for Auralite 23 is "Chevron Amethyst" (One of the best third-eye stimulators. It has powerfully focused energy that dissipates and repels negativity. This cleanses the aura and helps you find and implement a positive answer to any problems)... Le'Anna and I both got one... I bought hers for her.

I also got an Emerald (a life-affirming stone. Opens the heart chakra and calms emotions. Provides inspiration, balance, wisdom, and patience. Promotes friendship, peace, harmony and patience.), a Lapis Lazuli bracelet (associated with strength and courage, royalty and wisdom, intellect and truth. Wards off evil. Improves eyesight. // Encourages self-awareness, self-confidence, self-knowledge, peace, harmony and compassion. Aids in speaking your truth. Protective. Bonds relationships in friendship and love.), and a Amazonite (protects against electromagnetic pollution. An extremely soothing stone. Calms the brain and nervous system. Balances masculine and feminine energies. Soothes emotional trauma and alleviates worry and fear. Dispels negative energy.) <-- that was the big purchase... that one was $24. The emerald was $17. The bracelet was $15. The Auralite 23 was $10.

I got a "Lava Stone" (stability and grounding of the spirit, courage and strength, clarity to bring focus for communication. Calming for controlling anger, and anxiety relief) for Jannelle and a "Ruby in Kyanite" for Paul. (Aligns the chakras and gathers and amplifies positive energies, provides protection and security. Keeps one from retaining negative energy.)

I'm a little skeptical about the Chevron Amethyst being the same as the Auralite-23... I just looked it up and on an Etsy ad it says the Auralite-23 is the same as the CANADIAN Chevron Amethyst. How do I know if mine is Canadian. Well, I'm going to trust this is the friend that wants to be here now and I honor and appreciate so much that the Auralite 23 came into my life today. Feels very aligned.

Nice day with Le'Anna... stretching...talking... just being us... went to pick up Charlie from school and pick up her medicine. She bought us taco rolls... and we had Vietnamese for dinner. We had a great dance before I left for home. Long day ... and kind of emotionally heavy but grateful I got to hold space for her and Ramsey (processing... lots of EMO).

Paul sent me something that says "I bless you and the divine spark within you."

We haven't talked. He's in bed and was going to sleep when I got home. I know I love him. I think he's my person. Why do I need him to feel the same. Why don't I just live and do my best? Maybe I don't need to try to force this "commitment". But I think we do need to figure something out for money. If he's not taking care of me...taking responsibility for me... providing for me... etc... then I have to do that for myself. So there are pain points that we need to discuss. Perhaps tomorrow. He said he wanted to snuggle me tonight so that's good. I need to go to bed though. Full moon in Gemini. Twins. Soul mates. All this is UP. I love Paul. That's enough. My quote of the day always challenges me:

"The Love that you withhold is the pain that you carry - from lifetime to lifetime..." ~the Andromedans to Alex Collier

And AG pick https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Serpent_Grid  goes along so much with  https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Ophiuchus .  Wild life we're living!!

___

12/8/22 - 4:04, 8/4:14, 8/4:44, 8/8:18, 8/9:44, 8/11:11, 8/11:22, 8/1:11, 12:13 ....up through midnight (technically 12/9)... saw 12:12 and 12:13.... and 11:11