Hopeless and confused

Feeling depressed and in confusion today... was it from the adaptogenic magnesium l-theanine hot chocolate (and dairy) today? Seems gut-related for sure. Serotonin is in the gut. I need to get a better plan for eating well ... 

Also so conflicted about what to do about work. I'm grateful for my job but feel I should be paid more and guilty because I feel like maybe I'm just not fast enough so it's my fault but this isn't a living wage. I'm making somewhere between $12-$20hr part-time, depending on what I do. The more I do, the less I make. I also don't feel like I have ownership over my job... always "no" when we have creative ideas. 

I should work on my business plan... I'm scared to start because I'm scared of failing and also not sure where to start.. invest in myself...believe...

But now I have other people calling me about all the resumes I've been putting out. Could I make a living wage as a slave somewhere else? But maybe it would be fun or a challenge. The Surety Bond Underwriter sounds fun because it's something new. But I just took a test for an Allstate job and remembered how squishy my brain is. I need to exercise my brain and my body. 

I need to take care of myself. I didn't do the sun salutation today! I must do that FIRST THING! And do burpees... or other exercises... and eat well. Maybe I need a smoothie routine? 

Not sure if I want to move anymore or let God lead. I want God to lead. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? Who am I?

Sent Paul a photo of him with hearts at 11:11. 

I need to be positive but not force it. How can I just BE?

it's 1:11 now. Seen so many 1's and 5's today.

____

It's 12/12 and I saw 4:44 briefly (not enough time for a screenshot).
I was definitely emotional yesterday. That hot chocolate probably didn't help... whatever is in it seems weird. I went to Arby's and got a cookie and motzerrella cheese sticks (because I was out checking on O'Malley's dogs). I found some images of asian women (or woman) that Paul was looking at Thursday 11/10 and 11/17. Upsetting. Really put a pissy spin on me ... or sad... pathetic.... because I NEEDED to be there 100% with enthusiasm and support as he has been offered a promotion! I really AM so excited for him! He keeps getting promoted - he's a good worker! I hope this one comes with more money! We'll find out today. He's going to be on 2nd shift and work 10 hour days. He'll be the supervisor of another area. He's being groomed to be a plant manager it feels like... he'll know all the areas. God, thank you!