Paul and I got separate bank accounts yesterday and he put his car loan in HIS name which makes me feel a lot better. He took an extra $1200 out so he could take the "Emotion Codes" practitioner program. I wonder how he could hold space for other people when he can't even communicate himself...but I'm hopeful that the program and deep integration of that work will help him to connect to his own heart. He has strong feelings for it and I hope that is his soul taking him down the path for his own healing.
Yesterday I got "Fallen Angelics" as my AG pick and I feel so strongly that is what Paul and I are healing. Maybe all of us on the earth are? I wonder if Lisa's work is also somewhat like Yeshua's parables... they provide another dimension to look at topics like architecture and human blueprint.
Yesterday I got "Fallen Angelics" as my AG pick and I feel so strongly that is what Paul and I are healing. Maybe all of us on the earth are? I wonder if Lisa's work is also somewhat like Yeshua's parables... they provide another dimension to look at topics like architecture and human blueprint.
Paul and I are now kissing. I tried to get him to really kiss me last night but that didn't work. But he is kissing me goodbye for work, etc. I'm not sure what's going on and I need to rest in the ambiguity. And trust God. If Paul is going to be petty and not pay for our whole rent (i.e. pay for Sioux's board/portion), then I have to just let it be. I have to stop controlling him. I'm hoping the splitting of money will encourage him to take responsibility for himself and stop blaming me for everything...and help me to stop trying to control him.
My body is going through some stuff.
I am done with sugar. But not as rule. I'm just going to make decisions that are aligned with health. I need to care for my sweet body. I woke up in a pool of sweat at 2am. Hopefully we are healing stuff. The tic on my cheek and hair falling out and anxiety and heart palpitations and crazy blood pressure, etc... no bueno.
I am done with sugar. But not as rule. I'm just going to make decisions that are aligned with health. I need to care for my sweet body. I woke up in a pool of sweat at 2am. Hopefully we are healing stuff. The tic on my cheek and hair falling out and anxiety and heart palpitations and crazy blood pressure, etc... no bueno.
I think the hardest thing this season was almost losing Rue. Mourning her and her cancer arising and that whole thing was a really hard thing to walk through.... I'm so grateful to God for letting me keep her longer... she's my best girlfriend!
2:34 1:22 3:03 4:44 (and I noticed Jeff Called a few minutes prior. I had been outside crying. Asking God to help me. Missing Kirk. Missing a male friend who cares about me. Seeing the Phoenix aurora rainbow solar rishi colors in gold, Christ-white, and blue as the sun set over the barn.
Thank you, God, for my life and opportunities. I'm grateful for the lessons.
I talked to Aunt Brenda today for about 30 minutes. She repeated herself many times... her mind is slipping some. It was nice to connect with her.
I began reading Nancy Rich's book to her yesterday... today I called to let her know I was posting them on Telegram and when she picked up she sounded SO bad...she said her daughter wanted to take her to the hospital but she wanted to die at home. I asked her if she was dying and she eventually said no. But it could be any time. I felt lots of spirit when I was reading Chapter 1. Reading her books is a good thing... it's like hospice volunteering but for my beloveds. I should maybe make them available for Aunt Brenda and Uncle Robert too? Or read a book to them ... their own book? I don't know. I don't need to make everything into a "thing".
It felt really nice to have Jenn send that message of love and support to me. And Kelsey yesterday. Sister-friend support is beautiful. I want to be open with this experience but not fall into a victim or needy energy. God please help me.
I'm trying to just let Paul BE and just follow his cues. I don't know what's happening but I do know that I don't feel loved, cherished, cared for or about, protected, guided, communicated with, desired, or pretty much anything from him. Perhaps it's too late... perhaps it's too broken. I don't know that he ever had the capacity to love me though... I kept TRYING (everything ... hear controlling) to try to create a situation where he loved me, but it backfired.
We'll see what happens. God's will be done.
It feels like he's a kindred spirit underneath all the trauma. But he has to choose to work through it and he has to really do that for himself. My princess coding wants him to do it for me and do it extravagantly.
I need to find happiness and security and love and all I need WITHIN.
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