Collecting Resentments

I just need to stand firm in the storm... in the wild whipping wind.... my emotions are amazingly still while Paul's are raging. The dark portal in him is throwing all the arrows to try to force me off kilter. I listened compassionately as he blamed me for ....everything. 

He asked me what he was *allowed* to eat

He blamed me for not *letting* him eat

He blamed me for keeping him from doing his "morning stuff" and got mad when I called Uncle Robert to kill time when he said he needed 15 minutes more... so then he sat there and didn't do his "morning stuff", instead seething at me and trying to guilt me for calling Uncle Robert. He said he can't concentrate if I'm talking... so I went in the bedroom and closed the door... still didn't do it. He's just collecting resentments.
He complained that I picked the TV show AND the movie (as I had asked him earlier this week if we could go see Avatar ... and again today). Today I tried to make it not a big deal and I know I can invite Caden to go see it... he suggested another movie and I said "okay". But he is blaming me for his not unpacking his stuff from his storage unit and not taking the time to do the programs or read the books or plan the life he wanted. He just keeps blaming and blaming and the victimizer software is really loud.

I want to break up with him, but I don't think that's for me. I just need to make choices to hold strong and remain clear ... to identify the gaslighting and blameshifting.

I tried to talk to him about the asian lady photo yesterday and he says it wasn't him... and there's nothing I can do about it... really.... but I don't feel that there is transparency. And now I just need to let him go. 

That's what it comes down to. I need to LET HIM GO but without control or tantrums or getting sucked into the web of manipulation. He also needs to release his dark mother consciousness WHEN HE'S READY.

I think he's a few years behind me (not like that's a thing... I mean, people awaken in different ways and timelines and stages)... but even the conversation today where he was trying to shame me for my choice to honor people's decisions to celebrate whatever holidays they want.... he says I'm encouraging them to participate in child sacrifice. I understand the viewpoint and where it comes from but I don't want to be that kind of person anymore.... it feeds my ego. I'd rather meet people where they are and feel their hearts and be joyful with those that are joyful and weep with those who weep.

I saw 2:22 today. And 9:23/23 and 10:23/23 and 11:22/23

God, you lead. I DO let go of this relationship. I DO let go of this drama. I DO let go of Paul. He needs to learn to take responsibility for himself... and I need to take responsibility for myself. Codependency causes me to try to control and I want to let go of control and trust THY plan, God! Thank you for all the resources and love.

Paul and I fight ANYTIME we are together. One of us creates division. It's not always him and it's not always me. But there is division. He says the only way to solve that is for me to give him blowjobs and swallow. This morning he said something about me swallowing his cum too. That's his focus. It's not love. It's not connection. It's not making love.

In 2 days he will have been here a year. 

God, I entrust him and this into your hands.

Carissa, take care of your inner child. You are doing the best you can. You don't want to cause harm and that is honorable. You want to face your fear and that is honorable. You are a beautiful soul and I love you!