Spitter Tech

It's 12/27 at 4:33 am.
Is this dizziness related to "splitter tech"?

Is it related to Paul?

It seems to get worse when I interact with him. Like it's a cloud of confusion...not seeing straight...

Maybe I'M not seeing straight.

I'm sure that's true. Blinded by entitlement? Pride?

Paul had to go back to his early schedule for this week.

I was just musing about how to try again to be with him... to fix this... if he could just let me manage the money then we might be able to make it work. But that's not true... this is more than about money. It's about communication, sex, money, beliefs, and consideration for one another. 

We are both too selfish. I say that but I feel like I've been so generous. But I feel like I'm blind to some things. I am so "accomplishment-oriented" that maybe I miss just sitting with him. It felt so nice yesterday as he sat by me when I was working. He was on the little ottomon by my desk on his phone in the sun and I was looking through applications. Just being near eachother felt nice... comfortable.

But this is more about him continually playing the victim and blaming me for feeling inadequate and like he's not accomplishing what he wants to. He has this ridiculous list of things that he never does each day... he has made lists of his supplements to take and he likes to check that off every day ... each supplement.... and each exercise (which he doesn't do). He would blame me for not sticking with his schedule as he has trash scheduled for Friday and Tuesday (or something) and if it needs to be taken out mid-week, he blames me for him not seeing it... or something like that. It's confusing and weird. But I am continually told that it's my fault that he doesn't do what he wants to do (read books, get ahead, do the programs he's started, etc.) 

It's my fault he doesn't stick to the budget.

It's my fault he watches television and sleeps and plays on his phone.
I've controlled and demanded all his time.

It's not true. 
Why can't he see the opposite? That I am his biggest cheerleader and support. That I work hard for our family - caring for the home and animals and making money to pay bills. That I do the majority of cooking and cleaning. That I spend so much energy - time and thought - trying to communicate with him and care for his needs and get on the same page?

We both just need to take responsibility for ourselves. For our life. I was trying to make a life with him according to my understanding. We both were. But it seems that he wants all of what I gave him and he doesn't feel that he needs to take responsibility in return. That there is a trade... that he gets those benefits but in return he looks after my security and emotional and physical needs. Instead it's all about him. 

It's been important. 
Unless some major changes happen, some major revelations, then this isn't going to work. 
I feel relieved to not be yoked to him.

But I also feel sad. 

Last night he hugged me against him on the couch and it was nice. I like having someone to be with... to share life with. I like knowing someone else thinks about me. I would and will be all by myself ... and that feels very sparse and sad and lonely and I don't like the idea of that. 

But I want to be with someone who loves me and wants to create a life TOGETHER. I want to be able to communicate and play and laugh and love. Not to be constantly guilted and feel like I can't do anything right. 

Good thing I can see that I am my own person and I can see above the attempts to manipulate me into feeling like I am to blame. I own me. He owns him. WE ARE GOD, SOVEREIGN, and FREE. I know that. I want to live that and then be a force of LOVE. Starting with me and then spilling over to my family and then pouring out into the world. 

It's just too hard with Paul. 
He hasn't come to the point in his awakening yet where he takes responsibility for himself. He has to do that before he can take responsibility for a family.

God, please help him. Guidance teams, please show him. 

God, please help me to be better.

God, I believe, please help my unbelief.

4:54

Negativity is a problem that we both have.

Negative lenses.

5:08 - I want to be with someone who wants to spend time with me. It was so nice to play games the other day. I want someone who wants to meditate and exercise with me. He has done YoQi with me a few times and that's really nice. I like to walk together but he doesn't talk to me pretty much at all on the walks. I like going places with him. I just like DOING and BEING together... experiencing life together. But we have different lenses... he sees himself as a victim of the government and police and everything...religion... holidays... people... everything. I don't want to see that anymore. I want to create my own lens... a happy and delighted one where I appreciate people appreciating life. Where I get on the happy train. Where we play and create and explore. 

Satanism (realizing that is a big topic) isn't fueling positivity and light.
Jesus might be...even though I perceive there to be a major consciousness hijack using the name of Jesus... there is the light of Christ coded into it. It's both a trap and a path that can lead to healing. 

5:15

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9:44

Lots of anxiety always... why? Fear of the future? Fear of what doesn't exist? FEAR.

I see that I am playing the victim too. "It's Paul's "fault" that HE never took responsibility for the relationship.".... you see. Blaming Paul. If only PAUL had done what he said he would do, THEN I could live in peace. If only PAUL APPRECIATED me and treated me as his queen and took care of me, THEN we'd be great. No. It's not JUST PAUL. It's both of us.
I'm not sure I want to be with a satanist.

I don't like his music. I don't like television. I like vegetables. I like nature. I like talking and communicating and walks and adventures. I like penis-to-vagina sex. I like doing projects together. I like being kind to other people. I want someone who is also friendly. I want to be with someone who wants to hold me over torturing and forcing his dog into a position to hold him when I am RIGHT THERE and WANT to be held. 

I care too much.
I'm codependent.

I'm fearful and controlling.

I think I know better.

I'm a mess too.

I'm a mess more. 

We're mirror messes. 

9:53

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AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Solar_Feminine_Melchizedek