Struggle4Control

This is Paul's "handle"... or was... or is... on his dating sites, etc.... 

Struggle4Control

It just hit me last night (as he kicked me across the bed and to the wall... as he kicked Moses and accosted Manson)... this name came back to me. As he continually keeps berating me for trying to control him.

This is the life experience he has created for himself... this is what he wants to feel... the struggle for control. He is manifesting this for us and I am not enjoying it.

Now as we all know, I DO have a control issue... based in fear and codependency... but he has taken it to a ridiculous extreme. (Note, I got the "mirror" code lottttts yesterday.... 10:01 and 32:23 <---a bunch.) He has dramatized it and now pretends that I don't "let" him do anything. 

I did turn the TV off when we got home. He was watching his SECOND TV show and I was frazzled and tortured .... I guess you don't know about this yet... the "Avatar" nightmare "date". He turns the TV off on me regularly so I did it to him. But he has complained about it a bunch... and I DID apologize, I knew it was wrong. 

But I am not trying to control him in everything. I am vocal about my preferences. That's it. I say what I like or don't like. He doesn't have to go along with it.

Is this pulsing on my left cheek a suppressor parasite entity? 

The other main thing is that Paul is not a "shielder"... and I've gotten lax sometimes... but he seems to have similar architecture to me which means hybridization and dissociation and access for entities to dark portal through him. He is also a willing satanist and perpetuates the problem by allowing further access and programming by the music he listens to, etc. 

Last year when we got together Paul appeared to be interested in spiritual matters. He meditated and read spiritual books. I know these things ebb and flow but unless we are actively engaged with our consciousness, it can really take us for a ride. 

The Red Wave/Victim-victimizer software is running HARD. In both of us, but especially him. He chooses to "struggle4control" instead of recognizing he already has it. 

The Avatar thing was all about him trying to prove how I don't "follow" him. He said we were leaving at 6pm and I was ready but I said I didn't want to go if we weren't united. I asked him to please be kind. (Honestly this was my request all day yesterday...and I feel like until 6pm I really held strong and neutral.)... but I said I needed to eat and asked if we could stop for food and candy and he said we didn't have time. (Note, the movie started at 7pm 20 minutes away.) I also told him I didn't want to see the 3D version as 3D makes me sick.... he took us to that one anyway. I think I've mentioned that I've had vertigo for the last 2 weeks and the 3D glasses made it really hard/challenging. 

It's very cold out. 12 degrees? No 18 now. And sunny. 

He doesn't put our family first - when he gets up he wants to play games and whatever... not walk dogs or take care of chickens or horse. 

This is my architecture too... selfish and self-centered. But he is being called higher, as am I. Unfortunately due to our relationship, I feel that I am digressing. Getting pulled away from my spiritual family, deprioritizing spiritual support (like Charlotte and Puja). Following along with the poverty consciousness lie and "struggle4control". 

No more. I think maybe we can live together if he wants to, but being in a romantic relationship isn't working. He's not my "mate".... or if he is, he hasn't found himself yet to step into that role. I need a strong masculine partner who will be the "banks to my river" and my albion body/structure, protector, etc. I want to love and serve my beloved in a mutually supportive and loving relationship. I want someone that wants to explore consciousness with me - to talk and walk and live and love.

Paul isn't there. 

And I love him.

I think he's definitely a "genetic equal" and he "mirrors" my same challenges...but they are the ones that I overcame. I came back into this pit to explore it and overcome it. I must choose GSF!

And have compassion for Paul. Perhaps if he sticks around and I keep growing in spirit, it will encourage him. But I don't want this "struggle4control". I don't WANT "control". I want to live freely and lovingly and honestly. 

I don't want to judge or manipulate or do anything but BE ME. 

And that's what I need to focus on. DO ME AND LET PAUL BE.

____ 

10:55/12/24

My AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Being_Responsible_for_our_Darkness

Spot on.

I need to be who I see myself being. Kind. Harmless. Loving. Generous. Compassionate. In each moment I just need to come back to that.

My "Suggested" was to "reconnect spiritual energetic communication links".

Do you think that AG pick means that I am at fault (ONLY)? No. But I am only responsible for my part... so focus on that. 

I am not a victim. I am having the experience that I signed up for. 

I need to remember to shield. I need to let others "DO THEM"... have their own life experience.

I would like to have my own money and be responsible for myself. I accept that I will have to pay for Paul's car. I accept that he will have relationships with other girls. I accept that he will leave. But I must love me and focus on my own inner healing and resonance. I want to embody tikkun olam. 

____

I feel like I've got "splitter tech" running. Is this vertigo related to THAT? I picked it up in Raleigh on 12/12. How can I heal it? I feel this sort of overlay of disconnection and confusion.