Numbers today

 9:09, 111, 1911, 4444, 4:42, 8:08, 23, 23, 8:11, 29/9:20 (see the mirror)... Ryan is making me squirm/worry because he hasn't responded. But he DOES need space to figure out all the stuff... it's his turn to vent. Let him feel it all. Relax. 

Dreaming about Ryan and 11:44 ... so loud... like it wanted me to wake up and write about it. It's 11:57 now. 

Saw 22:22 AND sent loving message to Ryan at 22:44

AG pick was about 2D Stargate

Had beeeeautiful personal love making session tonight... tried some new positions and things and enjoyed Enigma radio with Enya and others. Learning to love and feel myself. 

____

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTkHQKDHsOM - Believe

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ludCnhQP_ck. - Hang On

12:12:21, 21:12, 13:31, 10:01

12:44:44

12:24

12:13 , 13:12

01:44

23:34, 11:23

18:33, 13:33

11:11

11:55

9:23

4:23

4:14

No Bueno

Ryan doesn't like family... doesn't like people... doesn't want to go on family vacations (all expenses paid!!), doesn't want to eat family meals, get's angry when people want to eat with him, angry about wanting to eat while it's hot, doesn't like flavor or uniqueness in food, is angry about my personality, doesn't pursue consciousness expansion, smokes like a chimney... lies about it to himself that he smokes a pack a day when it's often more... doesn't care about his health or feel his body. He feels all the FEELS... he's very sensitive and feels a lot that he filters through his brain and not his heart, but he is disconnected from his body and soul. Does the shot make it worse? Has it affected me at all? I want to say "yes" to both of those things... look at how since I've made love/had sex with him, how I'VE backslid to not taking care of my body... I gave up on carnivore... I do need to eat ketovore or something instead... but I need to choose LIFE for my body... eat what is healthy and good... and do coffee enemas and meditate and walk in nature and spend time with Sioux... come back to me. I needed this to feel into it to see and learn from it....thank you for the lesson.

I like Ryan... he is so handsome and strong and smart... but he isn't in pursuit of consciousness the way I want to be and he ridicules me for being ME. (RIDICULE is the word that I've been trying to nail down for a while... that's the energy and experience. The mean and sarcastic and unauthentic tone.)

But I need to LOVE ME... LOVE MEEEEEE. I've put the rest of my life on hold to play with Ryan and I don't want to do that anymore. 

Eminem - "snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity, oh there goes... blah"... "the music, the moment, you want it, ... " etc. 

2 month experiment. 
The first month was beautiful.

The second was hell.

Ultimately I am finding more of my own truth. LOVE. ME. 

____

Just experienced one of the ...no... THE most powerful meditation I've ever done... I'm in tears and snot now still. I have never had such a full body and consciousness experience like that... I've had glimpses that are similar but, THANK YOU GOD, I pray and cry. My AG pick was the "Heart of the Solar King" meditation so that's what I did, and it was just incredible. 

I felt at one point like maybe Kirk and Rue were there with me... but not sure if that was to take me off ... but I was one with God and saw myself in my higher star consciousness ... as a star... surrounded by all the universe and galaxys and ... it was just too...soo... big.  Thank you God. I'm a mess. Going to sit outside for a bit and breathe. Thank you God!

I saw 11:09 and 11:11 last night. And today more 12:11 and 12:12 and 13:12 and 13:13 and 13:44 = 144. 

Powerful time today. 

15:33 and 3:33 

___

6:35... our third baby chicken was murdered by the dogs. :( I thought the rest were safe and named them this morning. I named the other Maran "Orion" in honor of Ryan who helped me pick them out. But she was just attacked and murdered by Manson (she was stuck in our yard). This is what is happening. Horrible. :( Rest in peace Orion. My heart is broken. I've failed three of you. Because of carelessness or laziness and not having the proper fencing to keep you all in. It's not okay. I'm so sorry. Is it a sign about Ryan and I too? I mean, do I need that sign? She is going to find a better incarnation. There is a lesson here. I need to do safe passage for all three of them. God, please forgive me. I do. We do. I know. But I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 

7:53, thanks be to God, Michael, Paul, and I fortified the chicken yard so hopefully the last two babies don't get out. Only Vern (who is probably too big now to get out) and Byrd remain. God protect them. 

9:09, 15:15, 20:20

____

I posted TWICE in the forum today... one on the "Aura Photography" thread, and one in my journal:

FIRST:

Hello loves! A couple of weeks ago I used a search engine to look up the word "Oraphim" (outside the AG) and it took me to “Ophanim” (wiki link here .) which is, fascinatingly, a reference to wheels with eyes like in Ezekiel's vision of the Four Living Creatures.

I'm going to paste/post the whole vision/Chapter 1 of the Book of Ezekiel below.

Today my AG pick was the Heart of the Solar King meditation: ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Heart_of_the_Solar_King
Access here .

...there's more to know... more to feel into... but it was the most powerful meditation/experience I've ever had ... just super aligned... and I was nudged again to share about the Oraphim and Four Living Creatures/wheels connection.

That's all!
Love to all!

Ezekiel 1

1 Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, on the fifth day of the month, as I was among the captives by the River Chebar, that the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God. 2 On the fifth day of the month, which was in the fifth year of King Jehoiachin’s captivity, 3 the word of the Lord came expressly to Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, in the land of the Chaldeans by the River Chebar; and the hand of the Lord was upon him there.

4 Then I looked, and behold, a whirlwind was coming out of the north, a great cloud with raging fire engulfing itself; and brightness was all around it and radiating out of its midst like the color of amber, out of the midst of the fire. 5 Also from within it came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance: they had the likeness of a man. 6 Each one had four faces, and each one had four wings. 7 Their legs were straight, and the soles of their feet were like the soles of calves’ feet. They sparkled like the color of burnished bronze. 8 The hands of a man were under their wings on their four sides; and each of the four had faces and wings. 9 Their wings touched one another. The creatures did not turn when they went, but each one went straight forward.

10 As for the likeness of their faces, each had the face of a man; each of the four had the face of a lion on the right side, each of the four had the face of an ox on the left side, and each of the four had the face of an eagle. 11 Thus were their faces. Their wings stretched upward; two wings of each one touched one another, and two covered their bodies. 12 And each one went straight forward; they went wherever the spirit wanted to go, and they did not turn when they went.

13 As for the likeness of the living creatures, their appearance was like burning coals of fire, like the appearance of torches going back and forth among the living creatures. The fire was bright, and out of the fire went lightning. 14 And the living creatures ran back and forth, in appearance like a flash of lightning.

15 Now as I looked at the living creatures, behold, a wheel was on the earth beside each living creature with its four faces. 16 The appearance of the wheels and their workings was like the color of beryl, and all four had the same likeness. The appearance of their workings was, as it were, a wheel in the middle of a wheel. 17 When they moved, they went toward any one of four directions; they did not turn aside when they went. 18 As for their rims, they were so high they were awesome; and their rims were full of eyes, all around the four of them. 19 When the living creatures went, the wheels went beside them; and when the living creatures were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up. 20 Wherever the spirit wanted to go, they went, because there the spirit went; and the wheels were lifted together with them, for the spirit of the [d]living creatures was in the wheels. 21 When those went, these went; when those stood, these stood; and when those were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up together with them, for the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.

22 The likeness of the firmament above the heads of the [g]living creatures was like the color of an awesome crystal, stretched out over their heads. 23 And under the firmament their wings spread out straight, one toward another. Each one had two which covered one side, and each one had two which covered the other side of the body. 24 When they went, I heard the noise of their wings, like the noise of many waters, like the voice of the Almighty, a tumult like the noise of an army; and when they stood still, they let down their wings. 25 A voice came from above the firmament that was over their heads; whenever they stood, they let down their wings.

26 And above the firmament over their heads was the likeness of a throne, in appearance like a sapphire stone; on the likeness of the throne was a likeness with the appearance of a man high above it. 27 Also from the appearance of His waist and upward I saw, as it were, the color of amber with the appearance of fire all around within it; and from the appearance of His waist and downward I saw, as it were, the appearance of fire with brightness all around. 28 Like the appearance of a rainbow in a cloud on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the brightness all around it. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord.




SECOND:


Oh my goodness LauraLou! I just saw your amazing post and aura photo share! Thank you for sharing this. What a beautiful story and I am so grateful to be on the ascension path with YOU too!! Very cool photo.

I’ve been meaning to get back to this thread for a long time …or it feels like it… I guess it’s only been a month or two. But one of the many gifts that came as a result and answer to this post was my new friend and sister, Edwige, a fellow ES member. She is French and reached out to me via private message to share her experience with auras.

Turns out that this is what she does for a living and has been practicing for a long time. I believe that in DRT she will chime in because she has so much wisdom to share about this topic. I was grateful and honored that she sent me a private message to share her insight about my particular aura as well as the history and explanation of aura photography vs. the fullness of our true aura. My high-level takeaways are that photos such as the one in LauraLou’s post above this one (and my first post on this thread) depict a 2D slice of one’s aura which is filtered through Ai in a way, so it’s not a perfect science, but it IS a signpost.

Edwige has a wonderful website and this page is my favorite as it explains what some of the aura colors mean:
www.conscioushumanacademy.fr/les-auras-p...vailleurs-de-lumiere

My browser gave me the option to translate to English from French so I can read it well… if that doesn’t happen for you, PM me and I’ll copy and paste it for you. It’s fantastic!! Turns out my aura is a “Ruby” aura and it feels verrrrry on point for me… resonates strongly. I’ll share this part of the webpage below.

I also took the opportunity to share session space with Edwige. She has a wonderful woman who helps with translation and it was an eye-opening and beautiful session that I wish for everyone to experience!

Thanks to everyone who is feeling into this with me! Lots of love to you all!
Love, Carissa
 

“Ruby” auras:
The majority of their aura is a mixture of red and violet colors, ranging in shades from magenta to purple.
They carry in a particular way the " Divine Fire " in order to bring back Order, that is to say to bring back into reality on Earth the natural balance , the natural organization , to burn what no longer takes place. to be and rekindle the torch of divine justice. They are inspired by the energy of resurrection , to resurrect the original human, which implies working to bring back the new human energy template, which we are all doing too. However, the rubies, advance, particularly, by existential crises, from the " little deaths " to be reborn constantly to something greater than themselves.

This is why their aura is composed of the two ends of the Light spectrum: red and violet. They are able to draw inspiration from spiritual fields or their need for spiritual practice, for example, to be in motion, in action and concrete. They experiment by themselves these extremes in order to make the path of healing inside themselves, to find the point of the right balance , to neutralize their polarities, to reintegrate their masculine and feminine sacred (which all have to do but specifically the ruby), to then manifest it concretely in their actions.

To carry the Divine fire directs the way of Ruby towards the training of the Mastery in the matter . He lives everything in his body, in a sensitivity without filter and in a direct way. It is appropriate for them to develop their roots , especially since they participate in the anchoring of new energies on Earth by their activatable potential of 1 to 5 strands of DNA.

Rubies develop ideas and behaviors towards everything that brings back to the nature of things, towards the essential essence and the fundamental . They therefore need to unfold a lot in nature and with nature, since they have a subtle connection to the different animal, vegetable and mineral kingdoms, and particularly to the elementals.

They are often leaders, artists, handymen, geniuses, alchemists, creators of new ways of “doing” and living, creator or builder of gardens, habitats or alternative places, intuitive-instinctive, reconciler of conflicts, a reinforcement for what can appear weak because they are especially sensitive to injustice and indignity….

They can also be led to travel a lot or change places, or entourage in order to experience, spread and convey this energy through life and matter. They are passionate, capable of great devotion, a beautiful quality that they can live in reverse if they omit a certain discernment , detachment , which can make them vulnerable to the program of disappointment and disillusion , to impulse and anger, being intransigent, or having difficulty making choices.

Ryan's Soul Searching

I thought I could be with Ryan while he did the soul searching necessary for his evolution. I thought it was romantic and that we would grow together. But he’s no where near ready for that. He is egotistical and thinks he knows everything…the biggest thing being that he knows I’m wrong and crazy. 

I can’t tell him this because he will resist and deny. He and this and us does help me to grow and feel and learn…but it’s not going anywhere.

So. Chaulk it up to a beautiful lesson and then get back to the self care needed to heal and grow in my pursuit of health and happiness!

___

Well, we had a beautiful day and I thought we were back together and we had sex (not making love) and it was okay... it was fun-ish...but we don't connect super well and ... I'm going to have to start being honest.

Ryan has a mean and sarcastic spirit about him. He has both... like me... but he's not actively trying to heal. His consciousness is calling him up and he is answering but I'm getting in the way and he's backsliding (like HE mentioned). We both like not being alone. We both recognize our soul family in each other and we both want...wish... for the happy relationship... but we are too different... our personality level is. Our soul level is connected and on point, but our personality levels are too far off. 

27/11:27, 23:4, 44, 12:22, 12:33, 12:44 (lot of Father codes)

MY soul is telling me that it's time to exercise my will power. BE WILLFUL when it comes to sustenance. Only choose that which NOURISHES your body. That which is alive and healthy for my body. No more fast food and bread and chemicals and processed sugar! You KNOW!!! (And I believe I've been given a note that sugar isn't bad for me... it's the processed sugar that is...processed food. And seed oils. So try the Whole30... or something like it. Just eat real food, love! That's it! And meat satiates you and makes you feel good. Eat a few veggies now and then... but don't get crazy. Eat to live, don't live to eat. It takes over your body, mind, AND SOUL!!!

So back to Ryan. I need to let him go... be friends... do stuff with him for short periods... an hour or two... now and then. Go to the gym, go to the museum, go play putt putt. 

But take care of my own sexual needs. Prioritize self-care and meditation and work... finding another job so I can afford my own safe and comfortable home. 

Get back to my own research and relationships and nature. 

And that's it. Solar flares and mercury in retrograde or not... it's time to take back my life!!! Ryan got me out of that oppressive situation with Paul (which is now lovely, it feels like... hopefully okay as roommates)... he showed me that I was worthy of love and that I could be treated with love and kindness. Now he's maybe being dark portaled and it's triggering him and confusing him (which is not fair to him...but he wouldn't understand it anyway so I can't say anything)... but he will need space to integrate his own higher source energy if and when he decides to do that. 

I need will power in this too. I'm addicted to Ryan. 

Genital Plugs

That's my AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Genital_Plugs

I think Ryan and I both have these implants... our love can melt them.

8:44, 9:09, 10:01 (mirror)

Lots of mirror numbers these days... Ryan seems to be a mirror for me. We talked last night and I guess made progress. As long as we can keep chipping away at it... keep trying to open our hearts. I can see he wants to and I know I want to... we just have to fight the demons...he is slaying demons inside himself to get to me... to fight for me and us and I need to honor that. 

The Pattern app (so good) was on point about what we are struggling with. Wild.

I get one more - bonus - day at the O'Malleys... they are staying an extra day at the beach!

____

Am I sabotaging myself and trying to harm myself by participating... giving in to addiction programs? Carbs, sugar, etc. Cutting myself off from my Source energy?

Does Ryan see auras (even though he can't even begin to imagine that is true... to the point of disdain at my even mentioning it? Is that why he spews vitriol when he says stuff like "ohhhh...you're reading my auuuura???"... which I didn't say or didn't do... where did that come from? I think it comes from within him. I think he is a Seer and a deep and visionary soul and if I can hang on and love him and allow him the space to do his own unpacking...his own work and dismantling in his own time and way, that he could BECOME who he IS. MAGNIFICIENT!!! 

I might be delusional. Wishful thinking? Am I looking at the truth or what I WISH/want to be?

7:44

14:14, 15:15, 20:20, 21:21

___

Ryan tried to break up with me tonight but then ended up chickening out/backing down to say maybe we could sleep on it. The fact is, he doesn't like ME... he may like the idea of me and he inherently and subconsciously (and consciously, to be fair) likes my LIGHT... but he doesn't like the way I think, feel, experience, share, live.

We aren't on the same page with...anything... other than the love and connection we share. I feel our hearts... I feel our connection... and it's DEEP! ("Get in my belly!!")... when he lets go and feels or expresses his feelings for me, I feel the electricity in my being. I've never felt such a connection. When we hug... it is magic. When we touch, the whole world is as it should be. 

But when he questions, judges, criticizes, tries to change, makes fun of, is sarcastic, picks on, picks at, etc... me... then there is division and it hurts. He doesn't like me. He thinks I'm crazy and out there and not well. He thinks I'm smart and he says he loves me but he treats me terribly...like an adversary. 

He doesn't know what he doesn't know. Perhaps he will listen to that book or the universe will provide what he needs and perhaps he will follow and perhaps not. But I need to just focus on myself and my own internal hierogamic union. God's will be done with Ryan. 

Leaven

That phrase, "a little leaven, leavens the whole lump" has been on my heart again lately. I think it's from this month of experimenting with adding back carbs. It hasn't gone great. How can I maintain a responsible attitude instead of falling into my reversal inner child's "give me more sugar and tasty treats" attitude? How can I parent myself... listen to my inner parent and feed and nourish my inner child and teach her to make GOOD choices for herself??

How can I cancel the "I'm not in control" programming and realize that I AM!!!? I AM!! I can and do and must make good choices for myself because no one else is going to!!! I am the responsible party for my life! (I was waiting on Paul to take responsibility for us... hoping that it would supersede my own dysfunctional care of myself.) 

Ryan is not well. It's been a really great experience to practice presence and I am okay with continuing this... but like Misha said yesterday, I need to make sure I am anchored in my own self-care... this will allow me to be a compassionate witness for Ryan and to heal myself. Here are a few of the notes I sent myself last night and this morning. 

Ryan is not well. Not balanced. Much worse than Paul. Sick in the head and heart. Thank you God for this experience- fascinating case study. 

Remain flexible, teachable, and grateful.

___

Gotta let him find his way…his heart…his truth. I’m not sure what God’s plan is for him, us, or this…but I choose life and love and truth! To see and rise above the madness. God, please use this to open Ryan’s eyes and heart. To crack the facade and let the light in. Heal that beautiful man!

I stuffed myself to the gills today with all the junk food. It doesn’t feel good or right. Back to meat and maybe a few carbs - red potatoes, onions, mashed carrots, and maybe some iceberg lettuce for crunch! Some cheese too. And tea maybe. Maybe foamed milk as a treat. But the energy and life and feel of my body and health is much better than the TASTE of poison. 

So grateful for this time and education in all these things.

Truly, Paul’s “dysfunction” in not taking responsibility for our relationship was much less dramatic than Ryan’s tantrums and spinning and anger issues. 

But it’s all a show and lesson for me to teach ME to love ME!!

If I love me, I will honor and respect and treat myself with dignity and care. 

Thank you God!

____

So many mirror numbers too… and 11:11 

It’s all a mirror! Showing me ME and the 1D maybe? Felt tingles and aliveness at root …upgrades. Lots of light - plasma - today.

Crazy rich Asians movie and he’s not that into you movie

8d 

Wings

Biwave

Ego and pain body and blame shifting and gaslighting… watching all that go down 

Research resources for John

____

Sending again as this is EXACTLY what I’m working on now. Do I need to “end” it or allow it to be what it is? It is ending - Ryan is blowing it up. Neither of us are ready yet anyway… I have to more deeply love myself and work on unification of my own masculine and feminine… and he has lots of awakening and humbling and surrender to live. I am clinging to the Eckhart Tolle example where it can happen over night, but that’s not probable. 

And I have to keep working with and healing my addiction programs. Sooooo. Yeah. 

Focus on loving and healing my body and self.

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Healing_Separation_in_Gender

____

THAT WAS AN AMAZING Random AG Pick! SPOT ON!! Read it again NOW!!
It's a beautiful life!

8:44 and 9:44

It is and was true, but right now, and whenever Ryan is in "Hyde" mode... he is NOT happy... he has the furrowed brow like Le'Anna gets before she PMSs... but it's his whole demeanor. He's looking for a fight. It's his Pain Body. We'll call it "Hyde", I think. If we make it through this, I want to be intentional about listening to "A New Earth" with him... if he wants to. 

"Crazy good for each other" = ha!

___

Am I an idiot or loyal and faithful? It infuriates him, I'm sure, but I sent him a note and photo of the steaks I just bought and invited him to have strip steaks for dinner. Mr. Burch just emailed "Please don't take this negatively, but your boyfriend looks like one of the Amish. " Funny! 

The first day or two we were together he asked about my thoughts about his beard and I told him I like it however he does... but I think that was my golden opportunity. Since then I've been trying to get him to shave so I can see his face. (He sculpted his beard to make the appearance of a long chin, but I believe he has a shorter chin, which I prefer.) I asked him if he would shave it for my birthday and he said maybe... on my 80th or something. He was happy to make a pact that if he shaved, then I would try anal again. (We tried earlier this week and it hurt SO BAD.) I don't love it. I digress...

The point is that he is trying so hard to push me away... and I am not going... but I don't want to cling either. I want to remain steadfast and hold a field of love for him to work through whatever he has to work through. He can blame me all he wants but it's not always me and yesterday he was definitely in a "Pigpen cloud" of negative energy. 

____

Seasons - NeedtoBreathe

Feelings - Nahko

Decision - Josh Garrells

Come Let Go - Xavier Rudd

No Man's Land - Wookiefoot

Okay...whoo... I'm seeing it... let him go... time not to be with a man... time for ME.  These are seasons...feel my feelings... and I need to make a decision... come let go... to no man land. 

____

Well, talked with Ryan. It's so hard. So beautiful too. Bipolar. We'll see what comes of it. 

I feel bad that I was kind of cold to Jannelle... unable to be present for her. Unwilling? Chose Ryan drama over her? DRAMA. Yuck. That's the pit... the suck. I can't get sucked in. 

Hopefully he'll choose "fair-weather boyfriend and girlfriend".... sounds good to me!

Thank you

Thank you God for all the support, spirit tingles, liquid plasma light, clearings, love... light. Healing. Friends. Clearing Anubian Black Heart. Aloha Ke Akua.

Nahko is so supportive. God sent Misha to help. A movie "He's not really into you" (or something like that) ... rom com... and Velcro's purr/love accessed some stuck pain... left chest/back somatic pain. Sobbbbbbed.

Ryan's not really that into me either. We are playing the role, and it COULD become something... we have glimpses of the most power and beautiful connection and breakthroughs and he is helping me identify areas of opportunity. (I was trying to show him something and was trying take something out of his hand and that's not right... super rude. So I have to learn. And to humble myself and to take ownership and to be quiet and to watch and to be present. There's so much... and he's helping me... this relationship is helping me... giving me OPPORTUNITY to grow and heal and it is the BEST GIFT. It's also fun and beautiful, so I guess it IS something... I just want it to be perfect right now. For us to be miraculously in Unity and have everything the way my soul longs for it to be.

But I need to stop fueling my body with POISON. Carbs and sugar = NOT GOOD FOR ME!!! Eat meat and if I must eat a few veggies... that's cool... but choose LIFE. (Always this lesson, round and round! I'm an addict!!)

I'm eating my way through Jim and Dee's cupboard... it's okay... I'm on an O'Malley staycation while house-sitting! Peace beloved! All is well!

_____

remember: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=X_LJ3x0SNmE&feature=share (Beautiful Life)

and https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=1a0JVCoUHtI&feature=share (Brighter Days)

and https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=UXjUHXMSCCo&feature=share (The Resistance)

...all this great music coming to hug me after Ryan was ...grrr... whatever. Focus on PRESENCE IN LOVE!!

Red and Edwige

Hmmm... My AG pick today was: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Lunar_Eclipse

A Lunar Eclipse occurs when the Moon passes directly behind the Earth into its umbra (shadow). This can occur only when the sun, Earth, and moon are aligned (in "syzygy") exactly, or very closely so, with the Earth in the middle. Hence, a lunar eclipse can occur only the night of a full moon. The type and length of an eclipse depend upon the Moon's location relative to its orbital nodes. A total lunar eclipse has the direct sunlight completely blocked by the earth's shadow. The only light seen is refracted through the earth's shadow. This light looks red for the same reason that the sunset looks red, due to rayleigh scattering of the more blue light. Because of its reddish color, a total lunar eclipse is sometimes called a blood moon.^[1]

Which I think is especially trying to educate me on red light being a scattering of the blue light. If I am a blue flame person... hmmm... I don't know if that's true as I feel blue and green and then there's the purple and all the ray colors... but did I shed my blue to wear and feel the red and how that interacts with this field? There's something here to explore.

My session with Edwige is in 22/9:44 16 minutes... thank you God. Please guide and direct us, Beloveds. 

Will feel into Ryan stuff and maybe dream stuff later... let me get centered.... and tea. 

___

10:01

Dream about slitting neck in fight - needing stitches - having to walk into city with Corie- asking artist to mentor me - also was a doctor - wanting the two docs to talk so I didn’t have to figure it out.

We needed to push the session back 30 minutes because the translator is stuck in traffic... so more time to ground and shield. Let's do it! ps. That, above, are some notes from my dream. I don't know. Whatever. No time. 

____

Some of the takeaways from the magical experience with Edwige, thank you God! More to unpack... I will soon. The work with Ryan is big and beautiful and hard but I'm so grateful!

Gotta pack for my house-sitting staycation at the O'Malleys.

Fear of aggression, fear of loss of love, delete fear of negative ego

I bright white guardian with me. I am connected to my teams… She’s never seen a guest, purple jewel… Something about my crown, chakra… Something about integrating spirituality into the earth.

Confirmation that I am of ruby sun, DNA next line, confirmation of indigo three contract… Possibly indigo, one, two, three 

Solarization… I’ve been through solarization… I’ve done a lot of work in integrating holy mother, parent frequencies… Continue to work with holy father. Possibly something about a golden egg at my third eye… Related to Golden eagle grid… We are working on similar things there. 

My own takeaways… I could see her rainbow dragon Ness… I saw the rainbow hologram‘s overlaid on Edwige‘s face… My sister. Thank you God for connecting me and helping me… More cathar codes… I believe. Confirmation of working with the 10th dimensional lines. And ruby sun is 9–11 D. It’s all coming together. I have much change coming in the next 2 to 3 months… Feeling that. 

I was advised that, yes, I need to fortify my light, body and my shield… Focus on the anchor points of my four pillars. And to take a 360 view of my shield when I am shielding. Thank you God.

Questions for Edwige

Questions for Edwige for our Aura reading on Saturday:

Hooray! The email worked! I'm looking forward to Saturday and hope everything goes well with the finishing touches on your move and internet connection.

I will look forward to your meeting link. :) 

Hard to say about the topics... I always wish for the Guardians to guide me on what I should be paying attention to... but let's see... I would love more information on the Ruby aura (if it is still like that)? Does it change based on mission assignment and/or as the earth shifts? How do relationships with other people impact my lightbody? Do I need to set the Shield intentions daily/regularly in order to be protected or can my teams take care of that for me? (I've been wondering if it's a fear-based practice?)

Anything I should know to support my current flow through changes in relationship, career, location? Anything in particular about my new boyfriend, Ryan O'Malley?

Mostly I'm excited to hear and learn more about aura readings and what you do and who YOU are! To connect with my French sister!

I hope that helps! I'm looking forward to it!

Loads of love!

Carissa

I didn't add this because as I was asking it, I got the answers:

It appears that my consciousness is actively working with that which Lisa Renee shares in ES, but is it helpful for me/Carissa to know about it too or does that involve my ego and does that make things messy? You are being trained for planetary service, Beloved, so it's very helpful for you to know and learn how this works. I am active with planetary service now, but there's more if I am available... I AM. 

Are the 911 timelines related to the NRG or the 9-11D hijack? (Same thing, Love.) Is that repair of Ruby Sun DNA? Yes AND. 

Should I be single for a while? (Silence.) I think it's fine either way. 

_____

Had an 18/8:18 and an 11:44 today for sure. 
Pulled a Malachite crystal card...  need to go meditate with that friend. I have a malachite-chryschola that is a gift to my soul that I think will help.

Feeling like I always want to pull away from Ryan and relationships... like it's not "perfect" so I want to abandon ship. Could I be okay with just WHAT IS?? Enjoy it and when I don't, then walk away for the time being. Just let him be my boyfriend? He doesn't have to be my "everything"... we don't have to be doing "gridwork" together. We can just be and it can just be what it is. I can be in love with myself and enjoying my own life and doing "ME" and when it's fun, I can also play with him. It doesn't have to be so heavy. I MAKE IT HEAVY. Be happy and healthy.

I need more magnesium and other things... God helped me see some supps I need. I've had the leg crawlys... because my body is eating up magnesium. So eat more. Super. 

I sent a text to Tyrone Miller today to say hi (and recommeded "The Body Keeps the Score".) I think he is a sleeping dragon/magi grail king so want to send blessings always. God bless him!

I sent a note to Michaela Didier too... she wrote back, I need to see what she said. I also talked to Jannelle. And got my High School transcript ... yesterday I got the CPSS certification documents and everything sent away! Whoop! Now I need to wait for the certification and look for a job!

How can I choose love? Always? By being centered and loving myself well.

I interacted with Bean on FB and Anne-Marie on MP. I posted to see if there is a dry-lot heaven for Sioux (in Triangle Equestrians). Just throwing lots of balls in the air and we'll see what God does with them.

Tomorrow Ryan and I are going to Charleston where I'll get to see Miyagi (Mr. Burch). What can I bring for him?? ME. What else? Maybe something from Buccees? 

Ryan is a bit negative and a downer, but it's covering the most beautiful bright light! How can I not change him but just love him just as he is? By being in love with MYSELF. Having FUN MYSELF. And if he wants to hang around with me, he can either join me or NOT. But I need to be focus on ME. :)

12:12

12:21

AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Weaponization_of_the_New_Age

Lots of mirror numbers today... 10:01, 12:21, 14:41 (oh....and they all end in "1"). Also 3:33 and 15:55.

Juicy Journaling

Seems like it might be some juicy journaling, but maybe not. I don't know where to start. Ryan kicked me out. He told me to leave 3x. Did he say "Get the F out!" or just "please leave"... could be either or both. But I'll tell you what... he kicked me out because I wasn't engaging in his contentious games and I am suuuuuuper proud of myself for taking the high road. He was BEGGING me to "judge" him... to tell him my unadulterated thoughts about "what he was doing wrong"... "Jahari's Window" he's always saying. This is his ego's game. His pain body is in a feeding frenzy. Has been all night. All day potentially, because he went after his boss too. He is a "dry drunk". He has unhealed trauma (childhood trauma, I believe) that fuels his pain body. I DID try to communicate and help him with that by buying that "New Earth" Eckhart Tolle book and suggest that he listen to it. I talk to him about my own experiences and hope that maybe it plants some seeds. But I cannot just smack him around. My ego would like that, but my Krystic self is committed to do no harm. Harmlessness. And I fail....often. But this guy is AFTER me. He just waits for something to pick on me about. Today I asked if he was ready to eat. (I had waited for him to smoke a bunch of cigarettes and then he said he had to shower before we went over to get food that Dee had made for us (hot lasagna, bread, and salad)....she made it SPECIAL for us, and he was hardly grateful...hasn't shown it to me or her yet anyway. But he said he would go over there and then he drug his feet and finally his Dad brought it over to us on the golf cart. He then said he had to smoke before we ate it...so I waited. I felt his anger at me suggesting we eat it then and there... (I was hungry and it was gooey and perfectly ready to eat!)...but instead I sat outside and read and waited. Then when he finished smoking I inquired if he had eaten at all that day (thinking that his attitude and energy might be due to being "hangry")...he hadn't. And I don't know if I said something about eating again, he says I did, but I just waited....and then thought about how he didn't like when people had expectations for him to eat, so I decided to just go ahead and take him up on his suggestion from 15 minutes ago that I go ahead and eat. But apparently, I had some sort of energy about that that rubbed him the wrong way too. He came at me and started picking at me... asking me why I was so "pushy" and "controlling". I mean, it was obviously pain body trying to feed.... throwing out hooks like a mo-fo. Poor Ryan is an innocent in that game... Pain Body is a dark/demonic/inversion that is using him as a pawn to collect Loosh. Ryan is caught in the undertow and I really feel for him. 

I just sent him this:

Just a reminder that I love you, Sweetheart. I'm sorry that this whole thing went down, and I really feel for you and the situation. I know you are innocent and I know you only strive for truth and knowledge and to be the best you can be. Please know you are loved and I don't hold anything against you. I honor your need for space and thank you for your courage in attempting to resolve the schism between us...I know that wasn't easy and that you were trying really hard. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you were asking for; I believe it would do more harm in the long-run (and short-run) than it's worth. I love you just the way you are and trust your timing and process as you continue to heal and self-discover your own soul's journey. Love always, Carissa 💗

I don't know...
I come off as condescending. I AM condescending, which is a form of ego too. To think that "I know..." blah blah blah. Whatever I think I know. There's a lot of truth that comes out in these conversations... alternate lenses and ways to view things that I didn't think about. Like MY focus is on my "intention"...TRYING...striving... to do the "right thing". So I think about and plan and put one foot in front of the other to try to NOT HARM...to NOT OFFEND.... to NOT RUFFLE... but if he's in the mood for a fight, NOTHING that I do will be "right". And the "right and wrong" thing is a problem.

The thing is, I WAS this guy. I WAS just like this... it has taken 15 years of lots of soul-work to get to where I am now (and that's not very far!)! Could I be like Patricia and be in this kind of relationship always? I don't think so. I almost popped tonight... I almost let anger get the better of me. I almost went with the "it feels so good... let me just tell him a few shitty things"... just to feed MY ego... to get some jabs back in. I've been saying "I'm sorry! It's my fault!" all along, but I've been listening and it's so interesting... his SOUL... his pain body or ego is definitely on to the gig. So much of what he's saying about what I'M doing "wrong" is actually HIM... I should record it because I never remember this stuff... conflict makes me dissociate a little.... but honestly, I was pretty down-to-earth and I was trying to compassionately witness his pain body and listen to what he was saying with love.

I tried to show love...NON-condescendingly...with authenticity....and humility...and gentleness. I think it was good on some levels. Unfortunately I still got kicked out. But that's okay. I think maybe this is it...I don't know. I am "hanging on"... but it's up to God. I am DEFINITELY growing and learning from this... this is DEFINITELY an alchemical healing union, and I pray that it is beneficial for Ryan too. I tried at one point to connect higher-self to higher-self for a moment, but ultimately I'm just praying for God to work with Ryan. (And me. I have lots to learn too. And I'm feeling a little egotistical about "taking the high road"...but I also think this IS a "WIN" for me as that's not been my "M.O.".) I think Venus is helping me a LOT now. She is shining SO BRIGHT!!

Another topic - I went to the Caduceus Network (Health Department) today... BAD NEWS! They scare me. And intimated me. And charged me $220 for it!! I do not consent to their black magic!

I just hope this plants seeds for Ryan. He has a long road of healing ahead of him and HE has to CHOOSE and WALK it himself. I was so blessed to have Michael to love and help me as I was in that place... and I WILL do that with/for Ryan if it's God's will and if it's helpful. But as smart as he is, he's not very "conscious". And he may have knowledge, but his wisdom is lacking. He is contentious, bitter, rebellious, angry, hurt-traumatized, and his pain-body and ego are running amok. 

He is selfish, self-centered, and prideful. He doesn't care for his own body... he doesn't love himself...how can he love another? He can't. We must learn to love ourselves first. And that's what I need to be working on with MYSELF now.

So. Yeah, I need rest. He hasn't written back and he may not. I do not need to play "martyr" and I am NOT a "victim" and I do not want to engage in "hero-savior"...so.... let it go. "Do me and let RYAN be!".. ha! Let everyone BE... and I need to "JUST BEEEEEE" too... be present, I AM. 

So that's it. 

It's just so interesting how everything he says as a "blame" toward me is actually his own behavior. I must be like that too. MIRRORS. Thank you God!

___

What WOULD I tell him? Out of anger, I don't know...but from this place of neutral observation (or mostly neutral, or neutral-ish?? ha)...

YOU are contentious, YOU aren't honest, YOU are always blaming, YOU have blind spots, YOU have a wildly hungry "pain body" made up of unresolved trauma that creates drama in order to "feed" on it. That energy/entity is poking and prodding at me to create and feed on Loosh. When that pain body is hungry (which is often), it seeks out situations to INFLAME. You, Ryan, are the innocent inner child who is along for the ride, and you long for love, but YOU are sabotaging it. Have you heard the phrase about how if you point a finger at someone, you've got 3 (or is it 4) pointing back at you? 

I don't want to walk on eggshells.

I don't want to fight.

I don't want to wait around for you all the time (to smoke, to shower, to have a fit, to drag your feet).
I want to do what we say we're going to do and do it ON TIME. 
I want to heal, meditate, exercise, walk in nature, breathe, play, laugh, make love, and dream. 

I want to be healthy and happy WITH MY BELOVED. And those do not seem important to you. You seem to WANT to be UNHAPPY. (But the trick is that I know that that aspect that is terrorizing your life is not YOU.... it's the unresolved trauma.)
You are a dry drunk.

That is not helpful. 
He has to figure it out for himself. 
I am not the holy spirit.

Forget Jahari's Window. 
I can hold it in MY consciousness in LOVE, and if called to communicate IN LOVE, I could. But the "blame game" is feeding the Pain Body and I do not consent to that. 

He IS "damaged goods" and he's not ready for a relationship, but really, neither am I. This will be a good time to heal. And maybe we can be friends and hang out. I think he'll probably go inward and hermit-out. But maybe not. God's will be done. 

_____

10:55 
Note, I also see reverse 911 too... feeling like these are opportunities to OVERRIDE the NRG and 911 timelines.

But I came back to note how interesting it is that he always attacks me when I'm WEAK. Like when I had anxiety in the woods, THAT'S when he rose up. And another time when I was sick or something... and tonight when I was freaked out about my blood pressure and also hungry. I think his pain body sniffs out my weakness and then tries to jump on me. Crazy. 

____

Good morning! Just noting that I need to get the "dry drunk" idea out of my head... that's a label and a put down. That is the label some people use and communicate which is the same as the pain body, in a way...but in both cases, it comes down to UNRESOLVED TRAUMA. Unfelt pain. And that's what Ryan has going on. And he doesn't know how to deal with it so he blames and points and does everything he can to shake it off of himself and displace it so that he doesn't have to own or feel it. Thank you God for this example.

I can't help him though. He has to do it on his own. The month-long glimpse of what COULD BE... how beautiful our relationship (and our hearts) COULD BE... that was a GIFT. But there is a lot of work on both sides needed to get there. I was given the GIFT of Holy Mother last night... to hold space in neutrality and love to observe and compassionately witness the pain-body gyrations... but that hasn't been my "M.O." either. I usually trigger my own unhealed trauma. 

So I don't know how this will work. I'm counting on God to lead. I need to practice ego-clearing, boundaries, and radical honesty. I also need to remember that his work is his work and not be tempted to poke (and that is MY work... to heal MY ego.) 

So...we'll see. The ball is in his court. And I trust God will work it out as it is meant to be. In the meantime, I need to just love myself and focus on my own healing and joy!

____

Some of the numbers yesterday, 4/15

11:11 222 144 44:44 12:13 12:24 11:44 15/11:15 .... there were more 12:34, 111, 111, 122, ... oh many. The ones I wrote down were from the gym.

____

4/16/23

11:11
It's all over the place with Ryan. Jeckyl and Hyde. When he is relaxed and well, we are SO GOOD. When he isn't, or when I am not, it's not good. 
10:10

Note to Self

Note to Self:

YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO SUGAR, DON'T EAT IT!!!!!

Get it through your thick skull!! It makes you feel BAD. It makes you LOOK BAD. Your eyes are droopy, your body disconnects from Source energy. You are POISONED. It is POISON. DON'T EAT IT. 

It triggers addiction. You are a sugar ADDICT. You are ALLERGIC to it. STOP EATING IT. Why does this not compute??!!!

ps. I was ready to give up on Ryan and then I got this song and message from God again... HANG ON! Gah!!

Emailed to myself:

A message 

Again

Hang on

To the light in your eyes 

To the love drunk original feeling

These things take time 

Yeah

Hang in

Processing with Rosemary- dry drunk - anger - feels good - demonic- pain body feeding. He doesn’t want that - his demons are trying to feed on me. Compassionate witness and don’t feed them. Say okay, maybe? But he’s so smart he’ll see through my game. But I don’t want to engage with that pain body. Neutral. We will love each other. Practice.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ludCnhQP_ck&feature=share

So I'll just hang on and also focus on caring for my own heart. 

So hang on to the light in your eyes and the feeling So hang on to your love drunk original reason

So much fear-mongering happening. NO. I won't play. 

Addiction matrix, I see you. (I ate a massive Sweet Frog today... NO. NO MORE!)

DIVISION from LOVE, I see you. (CLING to LOVE and RYAN.)

____

5:53 and 5:55 - LOVE HEALS the NRG.
"Lady Chatterly's Lover" was an INCREDIBLE movie. I couldn't watch it until now when I can RELATE to the transcendent LOVE that I have experienced with Ryan. I cannot feel and live that in this state of toxicity/poison from food. I must go back to carnivore...or carnivore-ish so that I can feel and be home in my body again. 

Amazing movie. Moving. Steamy. Home. 

____

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."~Buddha

_____
Today, 4/13, I saw 4:44 and 22:22 and 11:11 (and 12:34 I think too)
Also had a great lunch with Dee and then faaaaaantastic afternoon and evening with Ryan - great talks. We have the BEST talks and time. I love being with him. We talked for hours and did laundry and shopped and cooked and watched Jeopardy. It's a beautiful life. Grateful for his sensitivity and desire for honest communication. Surprising how sometimes I can be totally honest and he's fine with it, but he sniffs out when I'm working some angle/game (in my own head). He's so dang smart. It's 11:22 now. Time for bed. Need to wake up early for a doctor's appointment - yuck! 

Selling silver

11/11:00 11/00:00 12:34

Selling silver today to get to $3500 to pay down my credit card... I will have $600 or so more which I'll pay from my check and get that sucker GONE! And then not use it ANY MORE!!

I'm hoping to have ZERO credit card debt ... getting my ducks in a row... so that I can buy Lib's home if I can convince my parents to co-sign. 

The going rate for silver is $25/oz so my 100oz bar should get me $2500 but I was getting offers for around $2300. They can SELL them for $2900 (+) right now since it's going for $4 OVER spot. Nutty. 

I think God is taking care of me though because this $25 an ounce is a good price... best in 6 months... and it just hit me yesterday to consider selling... so I think this is a good route to take. 

___

Well, I have $200 to last me 2 weeks (including a trip to Charleston)... so that's not ideal... BUT... drum roll please....

I PAID OFF MY CREDIT CARD!!! DONE!!

Got the best price possible for my silver... I called a lot of people, at least 10... and ended up getting $3450 for 140oz. I wish it were more, but it's better than if I had tried to sell it last week. And better that I'm not sitting on silver while drowning in debt. 

So now I re-build and SAVE and dream and let God work things out for me. 

I need to focus on getting my CPSS certification... find old training that will count towards it and then take whatever I need from here on out...  

I ALSO CLEANED MY CAR!! (Not the outside, but the inside. Maybe I'll go do the outside too? I'm feeling very accomplished!)

Maybe I should do the outside with a hose for free... probably that. Maybe. But I like the easy-hose thing... we'll see. I have some change. 

Feeling a little strange about Ryan. I like him very much and I'm not sure if it's mood shifting or just settling in...but I feel like we are getting into a "take each other for granted" place. It's probably just me. It IS just me. Just chill. I just want to MAKE LOVE. Oh, but we are having so much fun with SEX, so that's okay. I don't need to pressure anyone - he OR I - just HAVE FUN!! BE HAPPY! That's what matters! ENJOY LIFE! Don't give power to the pain body!

I always want this high stress feeling in order to help my ego feel like we are doing something "important"... but STOP. Forget "important". EnJOYYYYYYY!!!! INJOYYYYYYY!!

___

11/22:33. (Whoa)

Yeahhhh.... It's pretty complicated with Ryan. He's not easy. He is irritated by the way I call everyone and everything "friends". He asked me to stop that... to change it to "pal" or "buddy" or something... ridiculous, but it's the energy behind it which doesn't feel good. The judgment and dis-like/disdain. He drew out of me that I don't like his smoking (which we both knew). Judgement and trying to change people is never going to work.

What do we have in common?

Not much. He thinks I'm "crazy". And I'm not feeling a big pursuit of knowledge or truth. I guess he does purse knowledge as he does his crossword puzzle and wordle and jeopardy... so THAT KIND of knowledge is what satisfies him.

When I was talking to Misha and driving on Steven's Chapel Road tonight, I had one of those "go deaf for a minute and very large beeeeeeps" come into my head. 

Big things are happening. Activations. 

Maybe I got the "Celtic Codes" that I needed from him. It's not very fun otherwise. I maybe didn't mention it carefully enough but I told him that Jannelle wanted different boards (or to paint them) to go under the gutter he installed. I think it triggered his ego. I mean, it DID trigger his ego, and he's like "those are the kind of people you don't work for anymore.... she's going to tell ME how to do MY job?"

Damaged goods.

He said it.

He's got such a big ego. He appears to be a "dry drunk". He's bitter and seems to be looking for confrontation. He isn't concerned with his health or well-being. He constantly tries to back out of things that we say we are going to do together (like the brunch and today he was trying to back out of the Charleston trip. I think I'll let him.) I'm sure he's not going to come to the Outer Banks. I'm on my own. And I think I want to be. 

I need to get back in touch with ME. It's Me and me, kid! It was really fun and romantic and exciting with Ryan last month, and the promise of him was what got me to get away from Paul once and for all. That was toxic too. 

I don't know if Ryan and I are just not good at building a foundation... or if we are just too broken... or if we're going too fast or not doing it right... low and slow.... or what it is. I have some thoughts. I think he is definitely co-dependant... this is what happens to empaths....they are so tuned in to the other and when they perceive something is wrong (how many times did he ask me if I was okay yesterday... 8 or 9 in an hour or two?)... when they feel like something is wrong, it colors their whole experience and life and world. I have been codependant AND narcissistic and I know both sides of that coin. I don't want to fall back into either. 

It's just not healthy. I don't know how to help it get back to healthy (if it ever was. It feels like it was. We loved each other so much! But maybe THAT was a "red flag"... the "love" so soon?) It was so powerful and a beautiful connection.... divine. The whole Jupiter-Venus conjunction too. There were no mistakes.

And his uncircumcised penis is the BEST. I love it. And him. And think we could have a really fun sex life. I need to get back in shape. Get my energy back. My sparkle. Do what I do for ME!

It was a good day! I paid off my credit card!!! Whoo hoo! I cleaned and washed my car! I overcame black magic and got some more upgrades. I listened to the March Ascension Class. So relevant. Always.

I got to see my sweetheart and hug him and giggle with him. We got to eat together and watch Jeopardy and then the yuck. But... I think my fear of him deciding he didn't want me anymore is a mirror of my own heart which I think does not want to be in this. I don't like the smoking. I don't like having to be on eggshells. I don't think he likes me for ME... not his ego self anyway. I think his higher self and my higher self are kindred spirits and could be a power-couple (kind of like Paul and I)... but if our earth beings aren't jiving, then there's nothing I can do about it. 

I just need to sink back into my community - ESF - and work and focus on a new career and invest my time in friends and connect with God and nature and follow my heart to whatever is next. I'm not going to make a decision one way or another with Ryan. I'll let he and the Universe work it out.

I feel a little disoriented. I need to get back to my mirror exercise... and yoga... and trauma healing book. And that's that!

I feel okay. And glad my period is coming.
11/22:55

_____

I just need to focus on myself now. Finding my own "health and happiness". Figuring out how to best eat for my body and exercise and care for myself...FOR myself. A relationship adds too much complexity and responsibility. I'm not ready. And it doesn't seem like he is either. We can love each other but that doesn't mean we are GOOD for each other. 

I must not get into another "broken bird" relationship to "save" someone. He doesn't even think he needs saving. And I definitely need to save MYSELF first and foremost. And then when I'm sitting my own pool of self-love, if my rays of sunshine happen to shine on and brighten someone else, then that's fine...but it's not from my EFFORT, it's from my own love to myself and what flows from THAT.

Look at how all my paragraphs start with "I". I'm still narcissistic. Ugh. It's all about ME. It is though. That's what I'm working out. How to be the BEST "ME" I can be. How to CHANNEL "ME" (my HIGHER ME) and EMBODY said Higher ME. That's the work. So, let me love on all my friends...my chickens and trees and rocks and people... "friends". They ARE! They are who matter. They are who I am here with. 

I'm going to let Ryan slip and slide wherever he wants to go. No more worrying and "stalking" him, ha! (Today I got worried when I didn't hear from him for 7 hours and I drove to his house to make sure he was home safe.) Creeeeeper!!! (I just kept driving too...but I sent him a message to let him know what I was up to.)

I've got to get to bed. 11/11:09. I've been seeing 9:11 and 11:09 lately. Mirror numbers. I think we're reversing the 9:11 though.  Whoooo. Now it's 11/11:10... not quite 11/11:11. I wonder if I'll get that one. I didn't earlier. But Jannelle did. There are 5 1's in that .... YES! It's now 11/11:11!!!! whoop!! 6 1's now! Whoooop! Now, to bed! The stars are incredible BTW. Orion is setting. Seems appropriate. (So sad.)

God's will be done. 
But again, I think this was beautiful and necessary. And contrast... so I know what I don't want. I don't want an angry addict. I DO want to focus on my own spiritual growth and my own health and happiness. The relationship with Paul was sucking me dry and that satanic field was not healthy... I got to play "princess code" for a bit and pick up some "Celtic codes" and get a bit of the jab DNA (through Ryan's sperm) for whatever my soul wanted to do with it. And I learned and loved and felt and it was really good. And it could maybe be good in the future... I don't know... I SURRENDER. And I'm GRATEFUL! I'm not trying to change anything....except remembering (and practicing) how important it is to LOVE MYSELF!! (Now, to bed! KISSES!!)

___

It's now 4/12 8:30am - the other thing is that Ryan doesn't like to eat... so cooking together ... anything fun... is out. He doesn't like family gatherings, cooking together, garlic or onions, ethnic food. He is not ashamed to have fits about it (like when we went to Neomonde)... he gets angry at people on a dime. Smoking. Gambling. Bad with money/debt/doesn't care. This isn't a good long term prospect. Or even short term, it's feeling like. He's always contentious. Backed out on the 12-steps. Didn't call on his way home from work yesterday or the day before (even though he had an hour+ ride)... to make plans or check in. Waited for me to reach out. Says he wants me to come over ...but doesn't INVITE me. And then what... yeah? Is it about sex? I don't know. It's not fun or romantic or connections or lovey or adventurey or anything other than... sweet when our souls touch. Which is the best and if that's what God wants for me, then that's fine too. I don't want to drive. God, take the wheel. 

___ 

Got 11:11 today! 

And my AG pick seems pretty aligned... this is what's happening: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Ions