Banks

Ryan IS my Banks!! Thanks be to God!!!
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=JZdsMRjUjoY&feature=share

I have never felt so loved and supported and accepted. We have twin toes. He has had the same tunneling thing... I called it "hidradenitis suppertiva", he called it a "fissure"... but he gets it and accepts me. Maybe that's why it came up for me when he came into my life. I didn't have it until we got together... but RIGHT when we got together, not from him touching me or anything... it's a clearing that I'm doing for him. Wow. Yes God. Thank you!

Banks - NeedtoBreathe
Feeling my Feelings - Nahko 
(These are the songs coming up.)

It's Caden's 18th birthday!!

I need to figure out how to eat. You know. Don't eat sugar and limit carbs. Eat a variety of fruits and vegetables. Eat meat. Limit dairy, but kefir is good for you. Exercise. Build muscle. Do yoga and stretch and breathe and meditate. You know. 

Ryan fixed Jannelle's home projects with such EXCELLENCE. He is thorough, conscientious, thoughtful, and kind. He does seem to have some "dry drunk" stuff going on from unhealed trauma... and anxiety triggers him to anger and flipping a switch.

Oooooh, another great song, "All Creatures" - Josh Garrells
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=XnlG7-At0Ms&feature=share

We are building such a beautiful relationship though... we share such love, attraction, and our hearts are intertwined. I feel really bloated from eating carbs. I ate a chic-fil-a sandwich and piece of pizza yesterday. I ate 2 bagels today and 3 pieces of chocolate-salted-caramel candy. Gotta reel it in. Didn't get great sleep.

Last night Paul came out and violently yelled at Ryan and I. I asked Ryan to carry my stuff to the door... he didn't come in, but he was in the yard and Paul should have been asleep but he came busting out. Disgusting. He was violent and it didn't feel safe... Ryan was protected by God because he didn't react like I think would usually be his "M.O." After Ryan left, Paul got in my face (like literally and violently) and he said awful things which I've pretty much blocked... mean things... he's constantly belittling me and blaming me. He said I wouldn't have a boyfriend for long because I'm ...something mean... like really mean to the point that it didn't feel true. But he is always saying I'm controlling and that I wouldn't let him control his own life and whatever else... he said Ryan is my lap dog or something shitting like that ... I don't know. But I DO know that Ryan is ALL MAN! He is strong, sexy, smart, and my rock! I'm so grateful!!!

It's not fair that Paul isn't letting me have my boyfriend at my own house. Ryan suggested I do an order of protection to get him out...but I don't want to mess with law enforcement or go that route. I feel that I must anchor love and acceptance and just observe. It is black magic and harmful energy and unfortunately it boomerangs back at him. Today he came home from work sick. God will guide me and show me how to be. I just need to choose LOVE and KINDNESS. 

God's will and timing be done. 

ONLY LOVE IS REAL:
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=u2BXaRqroTM&feature=share

12:13 8:08 8:28 9:09

4/4 2:22