Selling silver

11/11:00 11/00:00 12:34

Selling silver today to get to $3500 to pay down my credit card... I will have $600 or so more which I'll pay from my check and get that sucker GONE! And then not use it ANY MORE!!

I'm hoping to have ZERO credit card debt ... getting my ducks in a row... so that I can buy Lib's home if I can convince my parents to co-sign. 

The going rate for silver is $25/oz so my 100oz bar should get me $2500 but I was getting offers for around $2300. They can SELL them for $2900 (+) right now since it's going for $4 OVER spot. Nutty. 

I think God is taking care of me though because this $25 an ounce is a good price... best in 6 months... and it just hit me yesterday to consider selling... so I think this is a good route to take. 

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Well, I have $200 to last me 2 weeks (including a trip to Charleston)... so that's not ideal... BUT... drum roll please....

I PAID OFF MY CREDIT CARD!!! DONE!!

Got the best price possible for my silver... I called a lot of people, at least 10... and ended up getting $3450 for 140oz. I wish it were more, but it's better than if I had tried to sell it last week. And better that I'm not sitting on silver while drowning in debt. 

So now I re-build and SAVE and dream and let God work things out for me. 

I need to focus on getting my CPSS certification... find old training that will count towards it and then take whatever I need from here on out...  

I ALSO CLEANED MY CAR!! (Not the outside, but the inside. Maybe I'll go do the outside too? I'm feeling very accomplished!)

Maybe I should do the outside with a hose for free... probably that. Maybe. But I like the easy-hose thing... we'll see. I have some change. 

Feeling a little strange about Ryan. I like him very much and I'm not sure if it's mood shifting or just settling in...but I feel like we are getting into a "take each other for granted" place. It's probably just me. It IS just me. Just chill. I just want to MAKE LOVE. Oh, but we are having so much fun with SEX, so that's okay. I don't need to pressure anyone - he OR I - just HAVE FUN!! BE HAPPY! That's what matters! ENJOY LIFE! Don't give power to the pain body!

I always want this high stress feeling in order to help my ego feel like we are doing something "important"... but STOP. Forget "important". EnJOYYYYYYY!!!! INJOYYYYYYY!!

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11/22:33. (Whoa)

Yeahhhh.... It's pretty complicated with Ryan. He's not easy. He is irritated by the way I call everyone and everything "friends". He asked me to stop that... to change it to "pal" or "buddy" or something... ridiculous, but it's the energy behind it which doesn't feel good. The judgment and dis-like/disdain. He drew out of me that I don't like his smoking (which we both knew). Judgement and trying to change people is never going to work.

What do we have in common?

Not much. He thinks I'm "crazy". And I'm not feeling a big pursuit of knowledge or truth. I guess he does purse knowledge as he does his crossword puzzle and wordle and jeopardy... so THAT KIND of knowledge is what satisfies him.

When I was talking to Misha and driving on Steven's Chapel Road tonight, I had one of those "go deaf for a minute and very large beeeeeeps" come into my head. 

Big things are happening. Activations. 

Maybe I got the "Celtic Codes" that I needed from him. It's not very fun otherwise. I maybe didn't mention it carefully enough but I told him that Jannelle wanted different boards (or to paint them) to go under the gutter he installed. I think it triggered his ego. I mean, it DID trigger his ego, and he's like "those are the kind of people you don't work for anymore.... she's going to tell ME how to do MY job?"

Damaged goods.

He said it.

He's got such a big ego. He appears to be a "dry drunk". He's bitter and seems to be looking for confrontation. He isn't concerned with his health or well-being. He constantly tries to back out of things that we say we are going to do together (like the brunch and today he was trying to back out of the Charleston trip. I think I'll let him.) I'm sure he's not going to come to the Outer Banks. I'm on my own. And I think I want to be. 

I need to get back in touch with ME. It's Me and me, kid! It was really fun and romantic and exciting with Ryan last month, and the promise of him was what got me to get away from Paul once and for all. That was toxic too. 

I don't know if Ryan and I are just not good at building a foundation... or if we are just too broken... or if we're going too fast or not doing it right... low and slow.... or what it is. I have some thoughts. I think he is definitely co-dependant... this is what happens to empaths....they are so tuned in to the other and when they perceive something is wrong (how many times did he ask me if I was okay yesterday... 8 or 9 in an hour or two?)... when they feel like something is wrong, it colors their whole experience and life and world. I have been codependant AND narcissistic and I know both sides of that coin. I don't want to fall back into either. 

It's just not healthy. I don't know how to help it get back to healthy (if it ever was. It feels like it was. We loved each other so much! But maybe THAT was a "red flag"... the "love" so soon?) It was so powerful and a beautiful connection.... divine. The whole Jupiter-Venus conjunction too. There were no mistakes.

And his uncircumcised penis is the BEST. I love it. And him. And think we could have a really fun sex life. I need to get back in shape. Get my energy back. My sparkle. Do what I do for ME!

It was a good day! I paid off my credit card!!! Whoo hoo! I cleaned and washed my car! I overcame black magic and got some more upgrades. I listened to the March Ascension Class. So relevant. Always.

I got to see my sweetheart and hug him and giggle with him. We got to eat together and watch Jeopardy and then the yuck. But... I think my fear of him deciding he didn't want me anymore is a mirror of my own heart which I think does not want to be in this. I don't like the smoking. I don't like having to be on eggshells. I don't think he likes me for ME... not his ego self anyway. I think his higher self and my higher self are kindred spirits and could be a power-couple (kind of like Paul and I)... but if our earth beings aren't jiving, then there's nothing I can do about it. 

I just need to sink back into my community - ESF - and work and focus on a new career and invest my time in friends and connect with God and nature and follow my heart to whatever is next. I'm not going to make a decision one way or another with Ryan. I'll let he and the Universe work it out.

I feel a little disoriented. I need to get back to my mirror exercise... and yoga... and trauma healing book. And that's that!

I feel okay. And glad my period is coming.
11/22:55

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I just need to focus on myself now. Finding my own "health and happiness". Figuring out how to best eat for my body and exercise and care for myself...FOR myself. A relationship adds too much complexity and responsibility. I'm not ready. And it doesn't seem like he is either. We can love each other but that doesn't mean we are GOOD for each other. 

I must not get into another "broken bird" relationship to "save" someone. He doesn't even think he needs saving. And I definitely need to save MYSELF first and foremost. And then when I'm sitting my own pool of self-love, if my rays of sunshine happen to shine on and brighten someone else, then that's fine...but it's not from my EFFORT, it's from my own love to myself and what flows from THAT.

Look at how all my paragraphs start with "I". I'm still narcissistic. Ugh. It's all about ME. It is though. That's what I'm working out. How to be the BEST "ME" I can be. How to CHANNEL "ME" (my HIGHER ME) and EMBODY said Higher ME. That's the work. So, let me love on all my friends...my chickens and trees and rocks and people... "friends". They ARE! They are who matter. They are who I am here with. 

I'm going to let Ryan slip and slide wherever he wants to go. No more worrying and "stalking" him, ha! (Today I got worried when I didn't hear from him for 7 hours and I drove to his house to make sure he was home safe.) Creeeeeper!!! (I just kept driving too...but I sent him a message to let him know what I was up to.)

I've got to get to bed. 11/11:09. I've been seeing 9:11 and 11:09 lately. Mirror numbers. I think we're reversing the 9:11 though.  Whoooo. Now it's 11/11:10... not quite 11/11:11. I wonder if I'll get that one. I didn't earlier. But Jannelle did. There are 5 1's in that .... YES! It's now 11/11:11!!!! whoop!! 6 1's now! Whoooop! Now, to bed! The stars are incredible BTW. Orion is setting. Seems appropriate. (So sad.)

God's will be done. 
But again, I think this was beautiful and necessary. And contrast... so I know what I don't want. I don't want an angry addict. I DO want to focus on my own spiritual growth and my own health and happiness. The relationship with Paul was sucking me dry and that satanic field was not healthy... I got to play "princess code" for a bit and pick up some "Celtic codes" and get a bit of the jab DNA (through Ryan's sperm) for whatever my soul wanted to do with it. And I learned and loved and felt and it was really good. And it could maybe be good in the future... I don't know... I SURRENDER. And I'm GRATEFUL! I'm not trying to change anything....except remembering (and practicing) how important it is to LOVE MYSELF!! (Now, to bed! KISSES!!)

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It's now 4/12 8:30am - the other thing is that Ryan doesn't like to eat... so cooking together ... anything fun... is out. He doesn't like family gatherings, cooking together, garlic or onions, ethnic food. He is not ashamed to have fits about it (like when we went to Neomonde)... he gets angry at people on a dime. Smoking. Gambling. Bad with money/debt/doesn't care. This isn't a good long term prospect. Or even short term, it's feeling like. He's always contentious. Backed out on the 12-steps. Didn't call on his way home from work yesterday or the day before (even though he had an hour+ ride)... to make plans or check in. Waited for me to reach out. Says he wants me to come over ...but doesn't INVITE me. And then what... yeah? Is it about sex? I don't know. It's not fun or romantic or connections or lovey or adventurey or anything other than... sweet when our souls touch. Which is the best and if that's what God wants for me, then that's fine too. I don't want to drive. God, take the wheel. 

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Got 11:11 today! 

And my AG pick seems pretty aligned... this is what's happening: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Ions