I was suuuuuuuper patiently waiting for him (as he seemed to say that we were going to take care of Sioux and go get Moses together... but I wasn't 100%...it seemed like he might be making up his mind still. I think I was tapped into his "not wanting to go" energy).... but he said that MY energy was that I wanted to leave and took offense to it. I always try to be calm and talk him down and say "everything is fine, Love", etc.... but he just gets into those moods.
I ended up walking over to Jim and Dees and chatting with them for a bit and when I got back he said that he had a breakthrough and he saw how he turned it around on me or something. Anyway, I was happy for the shift in him and hoped we could be happy and in love again.
Last night we were SO in love ... we had a great day and there was peace... we had a sexy, sensual, hot, raw, real, vulnerable, beautiful time of love. Not sex but other intimate activities and it was so wonderful.
I didn't sleep well. He didn't either. He had woken up around 2pm yesterday so he wasn't tired.
I didn't sleep well. He didn't either. He had woken up around 2pm yesterday so he wasn't tired.
He's upset I don't like Family Guy.
He doesn't do what he says he's going to do. We were supposed to wake up at 7:30 but apparently, he forgot to save the alarm. He then didn't really move and then decided it was too windy to go work at Jannelle's house. I tried to be trusting and flexible and to go with the flow. It is hard for me... so I tried to re-calibrate and make some new plans.
I wanted to get Moses as it's his birthday. I only want to be around Moses from now on. HE'S my man.
So then finally after messing around for hours, he was ready. He was going to help me move the hay bail. As we were getting in my car, he said something about smoking ... about how he doesn't smoke in his car... which he DOES. He said he would usually smoke 15 cigarettes on the way to Raleigh but he only smoked... was it 2? I think he thinks it was 1, but it was 2. And I realize that is a sacrifice for him to smoke less, but he DOES still smoke in his car. And he does still smoke in his house, but more often than not, he smokes by the door when I'm there. So I appreciate it, but he DOES still smoke. I DO encourage and thank him and I don't ask him to do anything for me.
I am, honestly, grossed out by it. Yesterday I watched him chain-smoke 4 cigarettes when he was working on switching his phone over and it made me sick. It's disgusting and frankly that is a good enough reason not to continue.... but I DO believe and trust that is HIS work that he can partake in if he wants to.
I wanted to get Moses as it's his birthday. I only want to be around Moses from now on. HE'S my man.
So then finally after messing around for hours, he was ready. He was going to help me move the hay bail. As we were getting in my car, he said something about smoking ... about how he doesn't smoke in his car... which he DOES. He said he would usually smoke 15 cigarettes on the way to Raleigh but he only smoked... was it 2? I think he thinks it was 1, but it was 2. And I realize that is a sacrifice for him to smoke less, but he DOES still smoke in his car. And he does still smoke in his house, but more often than not, he smokes by the door when I'm there. So I appreciate it, but he DOES still smoke. I DO encourage and thank him and I don't ask him to do anything for me.
I am, honestly, grossed out by it. Yesterday I watched him chain-smoke 4 cigarettes when he was working on switching his phone over and it made me sick. It's disgusting and frankly that is a good enough reason not to continue.... but I DO believe and trust that is HIS work that he can partake in if he wants to.
But I do NOT deserve to have someone pulling me off center all the time, trying to rift with me when he feels insecure. I thought I could be strong enough for both of us. But even yesterday as we were talking and I was trying to tell him about shielding, he cut me off, minimized what I said, discounted it, and then made me feel like I was argumentative when I was only trying to finish my sentence and had paused to follow his train of thought for 20 minutes or so. (I was just trying to say that we can "shield" by "setting intentions" to guard against negativity and that might help with his sensitivity. But I mentioned the human energy field and aura and emf that humans have and he said that the electric charge in a human to run the cells and heart is so minute, blah blah blah.
Anyway, this isn't "health and happiness" which is my mantra that I want to live by.
I am grateful that it got me out of the relationship with Paul once and for all.... and I'm grateful for the Celtic Codes and whatever I needed from his DNA (even if it's some sort of jab material)... I trust God's plan. But the heartache and drama isn't worth it to me.
Anyway, this isn't "health and happiness" which is my mantra that I want to live by.
I am grateful that it got me out of the relationship with Paul once and for all.... and I'm grateful for the Celtic Codes and whatever I needed from his DNA (even if it's some sort of jab material)... I trust God's plan. But the heartache and drama isn't worth it to me.
It hurts. And I keep trying. But I'm not a hero. I wanted to be. I want to help him...but I can't. He has to help himself if he wants to.
I want to be happy and free and joyful and peaceful and healthy and well. So that's that.
He tried to say that I could call or text or telegram him and I said that the ball was definitely in his court and he said he heard that....
If it was in my court...and it IS in my heart... I'd say "DONE". But I love this guy so much and feel like we COULD have such a beautiful relationship... so in the back of my heart and mind I hope that he'll come to his senses and that everything will be okay. But I can NOT lead in it. He has to take ownership for his own stuff.
I just don't think his consciousness is there yet. He doesn't meditate, shield, pursue spiritual knowledge or alignment. I think this was a classic "alchemical union" and pray that we swapped the energy and codes we needed.
I wish my mug wasn't over there, but it is. Silliness.
I need to work.
My thyroid was wonky yesterday and I ate a pretzel and quesadillas for dinner. I need to go back to a healthy and balanced diet.
My thyroid was wonky yesterday and I ate a pretzel and quesadillas for dinner. I need to go back to a healthy and balanced diet.
Sugar, seed oils, and processed foods are NO-GOs. I need to feel into the rest. A "Whole30" style diet would probably be best for me.
I should have gone to EarthHaven.
I'm going to have to go to Charleston alone. That will be good for me.
It's all good for me.
_____
It's not okay to jerk me around like this!!!! Now I'm mad.
I am so very kind, patient, supportive, and encouraging. Nope. This is not okay.
So take note of this. These are super-red flags.
I got the romantic-Disney experience. But I want PEACE. LOVE. COMFORT.
He doesn't do what he says he is going to do. He doesn't think of things from another's viewpoint. He IS empathetic because he can't help himself because he's so sensitive. Not out of love. Love transmutes it to something beautiful, being able to use those powers for GOOD, but ultimately it's because he has a shredded aura and is WIDE OPEN.
I am so very kind, patient, supportive, and encouraging. Nope. This is not okay.
So take note of this. These are super-red flags.
I got the romantic-Disney experience. But I want PEACE. LOVE. COMFORT.
He doesn't do what he says he is going to do. He doesn't think of things from another's viewpoint. He IS empathetic because he can't help himself because he's so sensitive. Not out of love. Love transmutes it to something beautiful, being able to use those powers for GOOD, but ultimately it's because he has a shredded aura and is WIDE OPEN.
I've got to go back to ESF and focus on my friends and work there.
And work toward the PSS job... getting MYSELF stable. LOVING MYSELF. Taking care of and enjoying ME. That's it.
And work toward the PSS job... getting MYSELF stable. LOVING MYSELF. Taking care of and enjoying ME. That's it.
_____
God said:
Hang on
These things take time
Hang on
These things take time
My time and energy is valuable- I don’t want to waste it on someone who doesn’t appreciate it or me and is in a constant state of judgement.
I had intense dreams last night. Dreamt of Kirk for the first time. He still wasn’t well.
Feels like I was on mission with other females and o got left behind to deal with something.
My mom was there. And wood bench/couch project. And snow. And maybe a broken phone?
I had intense dreams last night. Dreamt of Kirk for the first time. He still wasn’t well.
Feels like I was on mission with other females and o got left behind to deal with something.
My mom was there. And wood bench/couch project. And snow. And maybe a broken phone?
It’s like he NEEDS to be in conflict
Pain body
Pain body
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