How can I cancel the "I'm not in control" programming and realize that I AM!!!? I AM!! I can and do and must make good choices for myself because no one else is going to!!! I am the responsible party for my life! (I was waiting on Paul to take responsibility for us... hoping that it would supersede my own dysfunctional care of myself.)
Ryan is not well. It's been a really great experience to practice presence and I am okay with continuing this... but like Misha said yesterday, I need to make sure I am anchored in my own self-care... this will allow me to be a compassionate witness for Ryan and to heal myself. Here are a few of the notes I sent myself last night and this morning.
Ryan is not well. Not balanced. Much worse than Paul. Sick in the head and heart. Thank you God for this experience- fascinating case study.
Remain flexible, teachable, and grateful.___Gotta let him find his way…his heart…his truth. I’m not sure what God’s plan is for him, us, or this…but I choose life and love and truth! To see and rise above the madness. God, please use this to open Ryan’s eyes and heart. To crack the facade and let the light in. Heal that beautiful man!
I stuffed myself to the gills today with all the junk food. It doesn’t feel good or right. Back to meat and maybe a few carbs - red potatoes, onions, mashed carrots, and maybe some iceberg lettuce for crunch! Some cheese too. And tea maybe. Maybe foamed milk as a treat. But the energy and life and feel of my body and health is much better than the TASTE of poison.
So grateful for this time and education in all these things.
Truly, Paul’s “dysfunction” in not taking responsibility for our relationship was much less dramatic than Ryan’s tantrums and spinning and anger issues.
But it’s all a show and lesson for me to teach ME to love ME!!
If I love me, I will honor and respect and treat myself with dignity and care.
Thank you God!
____
So many mirror numbers too… and 11:11
It’s all a mirror! Showing me ME and the 1D maybe? Felt tingles and aliveness at root …upgrades. Lots of light - plasma - today.
Crazy rich Asians movie and he’s not that into you movie
8dWingsBiwaveEgo and pain body and blame shifting and gaslighting… watching all that go down
Research resources for John
____
Sending again as this is EXACTLY what I’m working on now. Do I need to “end” it or allow it to be what it is? It is ending - Ryan is blowing it up. Neither of us are ready yet anyway… I have to more deeply love myself and work on unification of my own masculine and feminine… and he has lots of awakening and humbling and surrender to live. I am clinging to the Eckhart Tolle example where it can happen over night, but that’s not probable.
And I have to keep working with and healing my addiction programs. Sooooo. Yeah.
Focus on loving and healing my body and self.
____
THAT WAS AN AMAZING Random AG Pick! SPOT ON!! Read it again NOW!!
It's a beautiful life!
8:44 and 9:44
It is and was true, but right now, and whenever Ryan is in "Hyde" mode... he is NOT happy... he has the furrowed brow like Le'Anna gets before she PMSs... but it's his whole demeanor. He's looking for a fight. It's his Pain Body. We'll call it "Hyde", I think. If we make it through this, I want to be intentional about listening to "A New Earth" with him... if he wants to.
"Crazy good for each other" = ha!
"Crazy good for each other" = ha!
___
Am I an idiot or loyal and faithful? It infuriates him, I'm sure, but I sent him a note and photo of the steaks I just bought and invited him to have strip steaks for dinner. Mr. Burch just emailed "Please don't take this negatively, but your boyfriend looks like one of the Amish. " Funny!
The first day or two we were together he asked about my thoughts about his beard and I told him I like it however he does... but I think that was my golden opportunity. Since then I've been trying to get him to shave so I can see his face. (He sculpted his beard to make the appearance of a long chin, but I believe he has a shorter chin, which I prefer.) I asked him if he would shave it for my birthday and he said maybe... on my 80th or something. He was happy to make a pact that if he shaved, then I would try anal again. (We tried earlier this week and it hurt SO BAD.) I don't love it. I digress...
The point is that he is trying so hard to push me away... and I am not going... but I don't want to cling either. I want to remain steadfast and hold a field of love for him to work through whatever he has to work through. He can blame me all he wants but it's not always me and yesterday he was definitely in a "Pigpen cloud" of negative energy.
The first day or two we were together he asked about my thoughts about his beard and I told him I like it however he does... but I think that was my golden opportunity. Since then I've been trying to get him to shave so I can see his face. (He sculpted his beard to make the appearance of a long chin, but I believe he has a shorter chin, which I prefer.) I asked him if he would shave it for my birthday and he said maybe... on my 80th or something. He was happy to make a pact that if he shaved, then I would try anal again. (We tried earlier this week and it hurt SO BAD.) I don't love it. I digress...
The point is that he is trying so hard to push me away... and I am not going... but I don't want to cling either. I want to remain steadfast and hold a field of love for him to work through whatever he has to work through. He can blame me all he wants but it's not always me and yesterday he was definitely in a "Pigpen cloud" of negative energy.
____
Seasons - NeedtoBreathe
Feelings - Nahko
Decision - Josh Garrells
Come Let Go - Xavier Rudd
No Man's Land - Wookiefoot
Okay...whoo... I'm seeing it... let him go... time not to be with a man... time for ME. These are seasons...feel my feelings... and I need to make a decision... come let go... to no man land.
____
Well, talked with Ryan. It's so hard. So beautiful too. Bipolar. We'll see what comes of it.
I feel bad that I was kind of cold to Jannelle... unable to be present for her. Unwilling? Chose Ryan drama over her? DRAMA. Yuck. That's the pit... the suck. I can't get sucked in.
Hopefully he'll choose "fair-weather boyfriend and girlfriend".... sounds good to me!
I feel bad that I was kind of cold to Jannelle... unable to be present for her. Unwilling? Chose Ryan drama over her? DRAMA. Yuck. That's the pit... the suck. I can't get sucked in.
Hopefully he'll choose "fair-weather boyfriend and girlfriend".... sounds good to me!
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