Ryan's Soul Searching

I thought I could be with Ryan while he did the soul searching necessary for his evolution. I thought it was romantic and that we would grow together. But he’s no where near ready for that. He is egotistical and thinks he knows everything…the biggest thing being that he knows I’m wrong and crazy. 

I can’t tell him this because he will resist and deny. He and this and us does help me to grow and feel and learn…but it’s not going anywhere.

So. Chaulk it up to a beautiful lesson and then get back to the self care needed to heal and grow in my pursuit of health and happiness!

___

Well, we had a beautiful day and I thought we were back together and we had sex (not making love) and it was okay... it was fun-ish...but we don't connect super well and ... I'm going to have to start being honest.

Ryan has a mean and sarcastic spirit about him. He has both... like me... but he's not actively trying to heal. His consciousness is calling him up and he is answering but I'm getting in the way and he's backsliding (like HE mentioned). We both like not being alone. We both recognize our soul family in each other and we both want...wish... for the happy relationship... but we are too different... our personality level is. Our soul level is connected and on point, but our personality levels are too far off. 

27/11:27, 23:4, 44, 12:22, 12:33, 12:44 (lot of Father codes)

MY soul is telling me that it's time to exercise my will power. BE WILLFUL when it comes to sustenance. Only choose that which NOURISHES your body. That which is alive and healthy for my body. No more fast food and bread and chemicals and processed sugar! You KNOW!!! (And I believe I've been given a note that sugar isn't bad for me... it's the processed sugar that is...processed food. And seed oils. So try the Whole30... or something like it. Just eat real food, love! That's it! And meat satiates you and makes you feel good. Eat a few veggies now and then... but don't get crazy. Eat to live, don't live to eat. It takes over your body, mind, AND SOUL!!!

So back to Ryan. I need to let him go... be friends... do stuff with him for short periods... an hour or two... now and then. Go to the gym, go to the museum, go play putt putt. 

But take care of my own sexual needs. Prioritize self-care and meditation and work... finding another job so I can afford my own safe and comfortable home. 

Get back to my own research and relationships and nature. 

And that's it. Solar flares and mercury in retrograde or not... it's time to take back my life!!! Ryan got me out of that oppressive situation with Paul (which is now lovely, it feels like... hopefully okay as roommates)... he showed me that I was worthy of love and that I could be treated with love and kindness. Now he's maybe being dark portaled and it's triggering him and confusing him (which is not fair to him...but he wouldn't understand it anyway so I can't say anything)... but he will need space to integrate his own higher source energy if and when he decides to do that. 

I need will power in this too. I'm addicted to Ryan.