Juicy Journaling

Seems like it might be some juicy journaling, but maybe not. I don't know where to start. Ryan kicked me out. He told me to leave 3x. Did he say "Get the F out!" or just "please leave"... could be either or both. But I'll tell you what... he kicked me out because I wasn't engaging in his contentious games and I am suuuuuuper proud of myself for taking the high road. He was BEGGING me to "judge" him... to tell him my unadulterated thoughts about "what he was doing wrong"... "Jahari's Window" he's always saying. This is his ego's game. His pain body is in a feeding frenzy. Has been all night. All day potentially, because he went after his boss too. He is a "dry drunk". He has unhealed trauma (childhood trauma, I believe) that fuels his pain body. I DID try to communicate and help him with that by buying that "New Earth" Eckhart Tolle book and suggest that he listen to it. I talk to him about my own experiences and hope that maybe it plants some seeds. But I cannot just smack him around. My ego would like that, but my Krystic self is committed to do no harm. Harmlessness. And I fail....often. But this guy is AFTER me. He just waits for something to pick on me about. Today I asked if he was ready to eat. (I had waited for him to smoke a bunch of cigarettes and then he said he had to shower before we went over to get food that Dee had made for us (hot lasagna, bread, and salad)....she made it SPECIAL for us, and he was hardly grateful...hasn't shown it to me or her yet anyway. But he said he would go over there and then he drug his feet and finally his Dad brought it over to us on the golf cart. He then said he had to smoke before we ate it...so I waited. I felt his anger at me suggesting we eat it then and there... (I was hungry and it was gooey and perfectly ready to eat!)...but instead I sat outside and read and waited. Then when he finished smoking I inquired if he had eaten at all that day (thinking that his attitude and energy might be due to being "hangry")...he hadn't. And I don't know if I said something about eating again, he says I did, but I just waited....and then thought about how he didn't like when people had expectations for him to eat, so I decided to just go ahead and take him up on his suggestion from 15 minutes ago that I go ahead and eat. But apparently, I had some sort of energy about that that rubbed him the wrong way too. He came at me and started picking at me... asking me why I was so "pushy" and "controlling". I mean, it was obviously pain body trying to feed.... throwing out hooks like a mo-fo. Poor Ryan is an innocent in that game... Pain Body is a dark/demonic/inversion that is using him as a pawn to collect Loosh. Ryan is caught in the undertow and I really feel for him. 

I just sent him this:

Just a reminder that I love you, Sweetheart. I'm sorry that this whole thing went down, and I really feel for you and the situation. I know you are innocent and I know you only strive for truth and knowledge and to be the best you can be. Please know you are loved and I don't hold anything against you. I honor your need for space and thank you for your courage in attempting to resolve the schism between us...I know that wasn't easy and that you were trying really hard. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you were asking for; I believe it would do more harm in the long-run (and short-run) than it's worth. I love you just the way you are and trust your timing and process as you continue to heal and self-discover your own soul's journey. Love always, Carissa 💗

I don't know...
I come off as condescending. I AM condescending, which is a form of ego too. To think that "I know..." blah blah blah. Whatever I think I know. There's a lot of truth that comes out in these conversations... alternate lenses and ways to view things that I didn't think about. Like MY focus is on my "intention"...TRYING...striving... to do the "right thing". So I think about and plan and put one foot in front of the other to try to NOT HARM...to NOT OFFEND.... to NOT RUFFLE... but if he's in the mood for a fight, NOTHING that I do will be "right". And the "right and wrong" thing is a problem.

The thing is, I WAS this guy. I WAS just like this... it has taken 15 years of lots of soul-work to get to where I am now (and that's not very far!)! Could I be like Patricia and be in this kind of relationship always? I don't think so. I almost popped tonight... I almost let anger get the better of me. I almost went with the "it feels so good... let me just tell him a few shitty things"... just to feed MY ego... to get some jabs back in. I've been saying "I'm sorry! It's my fault!" all along, but I've been listening and it's so interesting... his SOUL... his pain body or ego is definitely on to the gig. So much of what he's saying about what I'M doing "wrong" is actually HIM... I should record it because I never remember this stuff... conflict makes me dissociate a little.... but honestly, I was pretty down-to-earth and I was trying to compassionately witness his pain body and listen to what he was saying with love.

I tried to show love...NON-condescendingly...with authenticity....and humility...and gentleness. I think it was good on some levels. Unfortunately I still got kicked out. But that's okay. I think maybe this is it...I don't know. I am "hanging on"... but it's up to God. I am DEFINITELY growing and learning from this... this is DEFINITELY an alchemical healing union, and I pray that it is beneficial for Ryan too. I tried at one point to connect higher-self to higher-self for a moment, but ultimately I'm just praying for God to work with Ryan. (And me. I have lots to learn too. And I'm feeling a little egotistical about "taking the high road"...but I also think this IS a "WIN" for me as that's not been my "M.O.".) I think Venus is helping me a LOT now. She is shining SO BRIGHT!!

Another topic - I went to the Caduceus Network (Health Department) today... BAD NEWS! They scare me. And intimated me. And charged me $220 for it!! I do not consent to their black magic!

I just hope this plants seeds for Ryan. He has a long road of healing ahead of him and HE has to CHOOSE and WALK it himself. I was so blessed to have Michael to love and help me as I was in that place... and I WILL do that with/for Ryan if it's God's will and if it's helpful. But as smart as he is, he's not very "conscious". And he may have knowledge, but his wisdom is lacking. He is contentious, bitter, rebellious, angry, hurt-traumatized, and his pain-body and ego are running amok. 

He is selfish, self-centered, and prideful. He doesn't care for his own body... he doesn't love himself...how can he love another? He can't. We must learn to love ourselves first. And that's what I need to be working on with MYSELF now.

So. Yeah, I need rest. He hasn't written back and he may not. I do not need to play "martyr" and I am NOT a "victim" and I do not want to engage in "hero-savior"...so.... let it go. "Do me and let RYAN be!".. ha! Let everyone BE... and I need to "JUST BEEEEEE" too... be present, I AM. 

So that's it. 

It's just so interesting how everything he says as a "blame" toward me is actually his own behavior. I must be like that too. MIRRORS. Thank you God!

___

What WOULD I tell him? Out of anger, I don't know...but from this place of neutral observation (or mostly neutral, or neutral-ish?? ha)...

YOU are contentious, YOU aren't honest, YOU are always blaming, YOU have blind spots, YOU have a wildly hungry "pain body" made up of unresolved trauma that creates drama in order to "feed" on it. That energy/entity is poking and prodding at me to create and feed on Loosh. When that pain body is hungry (which is often), it seeks out situations to INFLAME. You, Ryan, are the innocent inner child who is along for the ride, and you long for love, but YOU are sabotaging it. Have you heard the phrase about how if you point a finger at someone, you've got 3 (or is it 4) pointing back at you? 

I don't want to walk on eggshells.

I don't want to fight.

I don't want to wait around for you all the time (to smoke, to shower, to have a fit, to drag your feet).
I want to do what we say we're going to do and do it ON TIME. 
I want to heal, meditate, exercise, walk in nature, breathe, play, laugh, make love, and dream. 

I want to be healthy and happy WITH MY BELOVED. And those do not seem important to you. You seem to WANT to be UNHAPPY. (But the trick is that I know that that aspect that is terrorizing your life is not YOU.... it's the unresolved trauma.)
You are a dry drunk.

That is not helpful. 
He has to figure it out for himself. 
I am not the holy spirit.

Forget Jahari's Window. 
I can hold it in MY consciousness in LOVE, and if called to communicate IN LOVE, I could. But the "blame game" is feeding the Pain Body and I do not consent to that. 

He IS "damaged goods" and he's not ready for a relationship, but really, neither am I. This will be a good time to heal. And maybe we can be friends and hang out. I think he'll probably go inward and hermit-out. But maybe not. God's will be done. 

_____

10:55 
Note, I also see reverse 911 too... feeling like these are opportunities to OVERRIDE the NRG and 911 timelines.

But I came back to note how interesting it is that he always attacks me when I'm WEAK. Like when I had anxiety in the woods, THAT'S when he rose up. And another time when I was sick or something... and tonight when I was freaked out about my blood pressure and also hungry. I think his pain body sniffs out my weakness and then tries to jump on me. Crazy. 

____

Good morning! Just noting that I need to get the "dry drunk" idea out of my head... that's a label and a put down. That is the label some people use and communicate which is the same as the pain body, in a way...but in both cases, it comes down to UNRESOLVED TRAUMA. Unfelt pain. And that's what Ryan has going on. And he doesn't know how to deal with it so he blames and points and does everything he can to shake it off of himself and displace it so that he doesn't have to own or feel it. Thank you God for this example.

I can't help him though. He has to do it on his own. The month-long glimpse of what COULD BE... how beautiful our relationship (and our hearts) COULD BE... that was a GIFT. But there is a lot of work on both sides needed to get there. I was given the GIFT of Holy Mother last night... to hold space in neutrality and love to observe and compassionately witness the pain-body gyrations... but that hasn't been my "M.O." either. I usually trigger my own unhealed trauma. 

So I don't know how this will work. I'm counting on God to lead. I need to practice ego-clearing, boundaries, and radical honesty. I also need to remember that his work is his work and not be tempted to poke (and that is MY work... to heal MY ego.) 

So...we'll see. The ball is in his court. And I trust God will work it out as it is meant to be. In the meantime, I need to just love myself and focus on my own healing and joy!

____

Some of the numbers yesterday, 4/15

11:11 222 144 44:44 12:13 12:24 11:44 15/11:15 .... there were more 12:34, 111, 111, 122, ... oh many. The ones I wrote down were from the gym.

____

4/16/23

11:11
It's all over the place with Ryan. Jeckyl and Hyde. When he is relaxed and well, we are SO GOOD. When he isn't, or when I am not, it's not good. 
10:10