I got 3.5 hours of sleep so I am sensitive.
When I am sensitive, I don't need someone jumping down my throat all the time. I need compassion. When I was anxious that night on the walk in the woods, that's when Ryan jumped down my throat. When I am weak, that's when I NEED my MAN to STAND UP FOR me, not GET ON me.
Ryan does NOT like to be around other people - it was so hard to encourage him and he wanted to bail the whole time and he was traumatized (needed to process) after. It was lovely and easy and everyone was kind to him and that still happened.
We were invited to his parents house for cake and ham and he wanted to go but he didn't want to "put on airs" and didn't want to see any other strangers. This is not going to work like this. He was "trying" for me in the beginning but he isn't anymore.
My time and energy is valuable. He thinks nothing of me just sitting around waiting for him... I don't want to do that anymore.
I made an order of popcorn from Michael ... a HUGE order.... almost $100...and of course I would expect some sort of discount... but he offered me a 50% discount PLUS I had to do some work for him. That is SHIT. He marks his popcorn up at least 90%... like he pays .10 and charges $1.00... and I know that and he still was going to play that game with me.
I brought him cake and invited he and his son to Page's brunch... and gave him all that business. No. I don't want to do anything with him anymore. I was looking to him as my friend...
I made an order of popcorn from Michael ... a HUGE order.... almost $100...and of course I would expect some sort of discount... but he offered me a 50% discount PLUS I had to do some work for him. That is SHIT. He marks his popcorn up at least 90%... like he pays .10 and charges $1.00... and I know that and he still was going to play that game with me.
I brought him cake and invited he and his son to Page's brunch... and gave him all that business. No. I don't want to do anything with him anymore. I was looking to him as my friend...
Have I taken on Ryan's energy? This bitterness? Or is it PMS and tired and also can we be real here? I AM DESERVING OF LOVE... I AM!!! I do not need to bend and give myself away. I also don't want to invest in a relationship that isn't going anywhere... and I don't want to be with a smoker and someone who gets on me to try to make me feel bad about myself when I'm down.
I had a small emotional outburst "I can't do anything right!" I said... and that's what I felt... like everything I was doing and saying was wrong. And I don't want that.
We have such beautiful times... snuggling, playing, talking, sex, when RYAN is at peace... but when he's not (because I think HE is co-dependant TOOOOOOO (I am), when he senses something is wrong with me, he can't be at peace so we can't be at peace.
I had a small emotional outburst "I can't do anything right!" I said... and that's what I felt... like everything I was doing and saying was wrong. And I don't want that.
We have such beautiful times... snuggling, playing, talking, sex, when RYAN is at peace... but when he's not (because I think HE is co-dependant TOOOOOOO (I am), when he senses something is wrong with me, he can't be at peace so we can't be at peace.
Sigh.
This is all MY work. HONOR MYSELF. LOVE MYSELF.
Ryan thinks I'm a kook and that my thoughts and ideas make me crazy. He thinks HE is making concessions for someone who is off their rocker instead of seeing who I AM.
I need to get back with ME. LOVE ME. And we'll see what else happens!
It's time to stop TRYING SO HARD to be kind and/or whatever. Do me. Be quiet. Whatever.
I don't like the smoking. I don't like being the one who has to come over. I don't like being the one who has to wait around. I don't like being the one who has to encourage and make concessions and coddle (I'm being dramatic, but it reminded me of Tyrone today... where I have to try to help them overcome their feelings and anxiety so they can interact with life... but it's NOT MY LIFE... they can do what they want to do and I can do what I want to do and if they match up, GREAT. If not, then don't worry about it. Decide how I want to spend my time. If it's worth it for me to sit around, then great. If not, then don't.
He is handsome and funny and kind and smart and wonderful and sensitive and romantic. He's also neurotic, anxious, angry, and an addict with BIG blind spots.
I don't like the smoking. I don't like being the one who has to come over. I don't like being the one who has to wait around. I don't like being the one who has to encourage and make concessions and coddle (I'm being dramatic, but it reminded me of Tyrone today... where I have to try to help them overcome their feelings and anxiety so they can interact with life... but it's NOT MY LIFE... they can do what they want to do and I can do what I want to do and if they match up, GREAT. If not, then don't worry about it. Decide how I want to spend my time. If it's worth it for me to sit around, then great. If not, then don't.
He is handsome and funny and kind and smart and wonderful and sensitive and romantic. He's also neurotic, anxious, angry, and an addict with BIG blind spots.
I'm probably the same. Mirrors.
He DOES have rainbows in his hair and skin.
He also has baaaaad vericose veins and liver spots. NOT healthy and I'M becoming unhealthy with him. His smoking and sugar cereal and our lack of sleep lead to a LACK OF HEALTH for ME... it isn't how I want to be. So I have to give up the greatest love I've ever felt?? God, please guide me in handling this. Amen.
He also has baaaaad vericose veins and liver spots. NOT healthy and I'M becoming unhealthy with him. His smoking and sugar cereal and our lack of sleep lead to a LACK OF HEALTH for ME... it isn't how I want to be. So I have to give up the greatest love I've ever felt?? God, please guide me in handling this. Amen.
It is in my best interest to allow Ryan to pursue me.
It is neutral whether I send him an "I love you" note.... but I asked pendulum the question to get the answer above... it is in my best interest to allow Ryan to pursue me. I do not need to make myself so dang available.
I do not need to get a Brazillian wax to please him.
It is neutral whether I send him an "I love you" note.... but I asked pendulum the question to get the answer above... it is in my best interest to allow Ryan to pursue me. I do not need to make myself so dang available.
I do not need to get a Brazillian wax to please him.
I can choose to not shave.
DO ME.
And focus on GOD.
It's the GOD in me that he sees and fell in love with anyway, even if he doesn't know or think he likes it. He prayed the other day for answers about God and it will come.
He gambles ... I mean, maybe it IS a little online app with not a TON of money... $26 here, $21 there... but it is gambling.
Smoking.
Hiding.
Bitterness.
Resentment.
Backbiting.
Yeah. I need to do my own 12 Step Recovery. I have lots to see and learn and feel and HEAL in ME and WITH ME.
---
I have gained almost 10 pounds in 9 days... not to mention the brain fog, body pains, anxiety and now gas. No. This is not good. I felt best on carnivore. I need to go back to that.... or KetoAF (Keto Animal Foods)... maybe eat a few carbs as needed.... but this isn't okay. Maybe some little stuff... but I can't just eat like "a normal person"... it's not working. I want to do acrobatic sex with Ryan... I want to be light, flexible, energetic, and WELL. Carbs do NOT lend to that lifestyle. Junk food, fast food, processed food, carbs... sugar... NOT GOOD FOR ME. Maybe a bite now and then, but I don't even want it near me. No mas.
See the difference in my energy between the 10:02 and 10:24 message? I cleared something and/or felt a flow come from the romcom I was watching... but I am so changeable. I need to FREE FLOW MY LOVE ALWAYS!!!
I saw 9:11 tonight and 9:19 again (I saw that this morning 3/9 9:19 and 1:11 too). I need to go to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment