Yeah

The biggest problem.. or at least a big problem for me.. is having to wait around for Ryan all day.. I wait for him to smoke all day…how many 10 minute waits do I have while exposing myself to toxic poison. We love each other so much but I need to love myself the MOST and my time and health and life are all valuable.

I wait all day for him to play and talk to me. We DO talk when he’s smoking so that’s okay, but it’s not the cuddly sweet comfort of connecting. I make myself too available.

Last night I was so disoriented- I fell off my bed twice! I woke every half hour or hour at most until my turned off wifi at 5am and slept until 7:30.

Heart was pounding too - and awful agada. Slept sitting up and it still didn’t help. Took 4 GB3 and enzymes through night which didn’t help much.

I ate bagels and chocolate and salad for late dinner at 10pm while watching a RomCom. Doing ME. But I gained 9 pounds in 9 days and feel like CRAP. I don’t want to eat that stuff anymore. I’m going back to meat. I felt so much better.

____

So I just need to let GOD LEAD. Ryan and I have a soul connection, but we have a lot of differences. This is why you date people... contrast. And I don't like the smoking and waiting and lethargy. I want to LIVE! I want to be happy and healthy and explore the world in all it's forms.... nature, consciousness, etc. Unless some things change IN Ryan (BY and FOR Ryan), then I don't see that we could make a good life together.

That DOESN'T change the fact that I think he's the handsomest, most thoughtful, studliest, smartest man in the world! 

He helps me to be a better person. (ie. "Do you know you talk about your ex-boyfriend an awful lot?"... that was his question to me. And I need to stop that. It's not kind. So the RUB helps me to GROW.)

Okay, I need to keep moving. Thank you for thinking all this through with me, Beloved Carissa.