I love Ryan

God, please help it to stay this way. We have had 2 great days. I love him and he loves me. He told me tonight he hasn't looked at porn in 2 days. He put in my new faucets and trimmed the backsplash and took care of the animals while I was watching Hazel while Jerry got a new knee and then was with Le'Anna and family when Page put down their ferret, Loki.

I am so turned on by Ryan. He makes me want to be better. He helps me to see myself more. I appreciate his sensitivity and recognition of bunk narrtives and underlying mind games (that I play to myself)... he's helping me be more honest, helping me be more of a lady, helping me learn to love and forgive and be patient. 

Thank you, God, for this relationship.
Today is the first day of Ophicus.
I'm very tired.

ps. I tried to get off POF... "take a break"... but it wouldn't let me....so I deleted my pictures (and my name). 

What the F happened?

I'm back to begging Ryan to be with me, lol! Gah! 
So we talked and then we argued and then he left and then I cried and then I got mad and went over to talk to him and then we talked and then I started to really want to look at all his POF interactions and then he wouldn't let me and then we went to walmart and for food and I kept begging and then we ate and then he gave me an ultimatum (I could look at it if I wanted it to be over with him - the POF or him? I chose the POF (not really thinking he'd cut me off)... but he did...and then we talked in the car and he got really dominant-y and kinda scary sexy and I got turned on and then we kissed and then he left.

They weren't bad. More of the same thing. Coming on to someone "you've got beautiful eyes and smile, blah blah'. He tried to make a date with at least one more, maybe more. But there weren't a ton of interactions. But I feel better seeing it. He didn't think I would, but I do.

And I love him and I think we're working through more layers of trust. I'm not done yet. Dangit. 

And I met a really nice man (who lives really far away - in Virginia) today on POF. Jonathan. I like talking to him. 

But Ryan is my guy... unless he chooses otherwise. And he may be doing that. He's not sure yet... he's scared of going over the cliff (his analogy). And I feel and see all the struggle in him. And he's not sure if he can be attracted to me and that's important to him. I think we need to keep working at being healthy, doing the diet and need to start going to the gym. (Get my butt muscles working.)

I told Rosemary, Kelsey, Jennifer and Corie about Ryan's cheating... and now I need to smooth that over. We'll see what happens. I told Ryan that I wanted to keep talking to Joe (from POF...found out his name is actually Jonathan). I don't want to be cheating on Ryan either... but like my new friend. He's fluffy and friendly.

Ryan and I talked more about dominance and submission. He doesn't want to hear about it from me. God, please show him what he needs to see. I sent him the Humbled Females information.

Let's see what's next. Sleep I hope. It's cold outside!

ps. I really do think Ryan and I are working on reversing the 911 timelines... 11:09 the last two days. Including when I sent myself back a message from his POF account so that it opened it up so I could message him there. (He was going to flag me to get me off!)

___

Lovely time today with Ryan. We snuggled in the love nest (all dolled up like a king's palace to keep him warm for the winter). We shopped for heaters for his house, we went to the gym, Le'Anna came over and we had a bite together with her and then she cleaned and I dolled myself up for Ryan - makeup, heels, the works. I looked good. I like looking pretty! Ryan and I did more shopping and then ate and talked (great talk... truthful and foundational stuff) and we had great sex... we are figuring it out.

Me supporting and submitting to his leadership feels really nice. I have a lot of work to do and it's late! No way! 11:09 again! Clearing 911 timelines....and I saw 11:11 again this morning. Did I tell you I saw 11:11 and 11:09 yesterday too? Anyway... I'm happy and hopeful. He said he's all in. No more lies - straight up. And he seemed to encourage me to go on POF to look at women because they are all libras, lol. I may go on to tell Jonathan I want to be his friend...but we'll see. I don't want to cheat on Ryan. I know that he's the guy I'm supposed to be doing this work with right now... we are healing and getting better and better together. 

Okay, I sent a note to Jonathan. He seems kind and innocent and hopefully we can be friends. Is that stupid or bad? But I really like him as a person. So... we'll see. I just get good vibes from him.

I've got to work!!

ps. I just paid off the Lowes credit card (over a 1K balance. Stop using that.)... and the minimum on my other credit card balance. I have 2200 left to pay off on that and I need to do it... and then I can start saving for a phone and car. Prioritize paying it off.

pss. Ryan looked at the Humbled Female stuff and he said it just seemed off somehow and I so appreciate his perspective. He feels like we shouldn't be looking outside ourselves to these other people to program us... that we should figure it out for ourselves. I freaking love that!

Truly over.

So... I am proud of myself for deleting "Jules" and I sent Ryan a nice note... my heart was filled with love for him. It IS.

I love you so so SO much Ryan James Daniel Patrick Gregory Gibbons Luke O’Malley! God bless you dear soul! ❤️🫶🌈💗✨💕

What a beautiful experience these 9 months have been. You inspired me to be better- to grow - to live and love and forgive and find my own strength and courage. I loved our adventures - our laughs - our great talks and walks and projects and meals and love nest and funny things like docking and the magical shared cum the other day - wow! I’m glad I was able to offer you some of your fantasies - bj for the ages, road head, anal, and all my love and commitment to serving you. It was a rollercoaster for sure, but in the end I am better, more loving, and grateful for all you’ve taught me. I love you so deeply and dearly. I’m praying you find the peace and fulfillment you long for. The Friday night “Recovery Alive” at Temple Church in Selma (where we went that time) helps a lot of people identify and surrender the baggage that is holding them back from an abundant life. I love you (if I haven’t mentioned it before, ha! Sooooo much!) 💋❤️

We talked when he got home. He straight-faced continued to lie to me about cheating... even when I said he came home and tried to set up a date with someone else. Eventually he said "do you think I was really trying to do that?" and he was belittling ME for being so STUPID as to think that he would be doing what he was actually doing. Sure he probably thought the photos were fake, but he was in pursuit FOR SURE. Anyway, it's just his M.O. to turn it around on me. Not take responsibility. He DID say "I'm sorry you think that I was trying to date someone else" or something like that. Not a real apology.

I did tell him that it was me who set up that Jules account. 

I also created my own Plenty of Fish account and have had a number of interactions today... most of which were sub-par. But I'm enjoying talking to Joe from Floyd, VA. He's nice and real. 

I hate that Ryan is rejecting ME...but it is what it is and he has to have his process and hopefully we'll come around to a place of peace. I pray that my love and acceptance helps him to crack into a place of truth and melt the walls he's put around his heart. But I can't submit myself to this anymore. And if he wants to withhold friendship, it is what it is. 

I can't be with a cheater, liar, and abuser. The way he treats me is not okay. "Get in the fuckin' car." He does not see or respect me. He does not love me. And even when he DOES get his "head change" and love or appreciate me for a little while, it's not sustainable. 

My heart is broken. None of these other boys are Ryan and it is SO SO sad to me. Why is he that way God? What can I do, God? Nothing. Let him go. That's all I can do. And FEEL the pain, sweet girl. 

Just now having a massive cry, thank you God. It hurts so much. I tried so so hard. 

It's got to be over. Stop compromising yourself. Feel the pain. Feel the lonliness. Cry it out. Take care of yourself. 

Welllll... yeah, fuck

2:37am It took a while to fall asleep anyway as I was amped up and it's a full moon (11/28), but I finally did and then Moses woke me to go out side at around 1:19am and I made the mistake (or not) of checking that POF platform to see if Ryan wrote to Jules. Yep. He had signed off 19 minutes prior... so he did his obsessive hours of writing his message to her... but he wrote.

Before I share what he wrote, I want to note, if I didn't in my last post, that we unquestionably confirmed that we were, indeed, back together. He also said that he isn't a cheater or doesn't cheat. He says how honesty is so important to him and he spent that month or so trying to convince me that I'm a liar. And I tried to feel into it and learn and be more honest. Thank you God for the lessons.

"thank you for the lessons, fuck you for all the abuse, I will birth new life from darkness, like I always do." - Nahko (and Carissa)

My body is hot and buzzing and I do have acid burning through me. I'm upset. 

12:56am

Ryan - Oh I think you could find a Yankee every bit as charming and personable a a southern gentleman. (kissy emoji) Good for you for getting yourself back out there! You're far too beautiful to keep yourself on the shelf. (heart eyes emoji) Appreciate the honesty and am all for it!! Those ladies are close family friends from Tennessee. She's old and has some health issues but she's still hanging tough. You're very kind to ask. (smiley emoji) Who's the lovely lady in your provocative pics? A friend, maybe a sister? As of late, i like to take trips and have adventures. Hit the mountains, drive to the coast. Check out all this beautiful state has to offer. For years my fun was finding nature trails to take my dogs for walks. They were my whole world. It's so nice to hear that your little pom pom is so near and dear to your heart and brightens your world. How old is your little girl? Sorry today didn't work out but hopefully we can get together on Friday or over the weekend?

And that's that.

Looks like he was online an hour ago, so about 1:45 and saw that I was too... probably saw that I read his note. 

I'm not sure what to do... probably nothing. Probably let it hang. I thought about setting up a date with him at Bojangles, which he refuses to go to, so I thought that would be funny... but it's not funny to keep fucking with him... and his heart is involved and I don't think it's nice to hurt him (anymore). It will upset him if she doesn't write back, but I was in this to see what and who I was dealing with... and I see.

Ryan is selfish, a user, an abuser. An egotist. A loser. 
I was going to list all the bad stuff but I have blocked most of it and I have some of it in writing and voice notes... so many tears and heartbreak... and it DID help me to grow, and if I play my cards right... FEEL into this for myself, I will grow and be stronger as a result. My soul wanted to experience this, so here it is. So feel it. 

Physical abuse (throwing me from the car in NJ), drug abuse & robbing my house/benzos when on drugs, cheating (over and over...despite being caught), porn addiction, not choosing me. Definitely not loving me because he doesn't love himself. He liked the fact that I loved him and he took what I gave and gave what he felt and DID stretch himself and grow. And bless him. But he has a major dark night of the soul and breaking of his ego and shell that has to happen if he could be a good partner. And that's not going to happen fast, if at all. He may not choose it. He talks about suicidal thoughts and I pray, God, please help him...keep those from him and help him to choose life and health and I pray for his happiness and peace. 

Please help me, God, to be strong and courageous and loving and to do what's right.

Feel this first, Carissa, before you go dating other people. Feel this. Learn. And find your own strength. You got this!

It's 3am now... I need to get some sleep. Please. 

Thank you God

Thank you, God, for the opportunity to feel what it feels like to be cheated on. (Again. I felt it with Joe.) Thank you God, for the opportunity to feel lied to, robbed, taken for granted, and used. 

Ryan is interacting with the fake profile I put up on Plenty of Fish. Asked her on a date right away. 

Feel it, Love. Feel it.

He "thumbs upped" my break up with him yesterday morning after he used and abused me the night before in bed. "Misunderstanding"... at least he apologized... but he treats me like crap, not like the woman I am. I need to leave him to his crass treatment of people and his addiction to porn, drugs, and drama. 

We felt the love...or is it lust... last night when we were watching the Bills. 

I need to let him go. 
He felt better when I said I was thinking of doing a "vow of celibacy" for a year... I don't want that. I will wait on God.

I need to let Ryan go. 

Stop trying. He hates himself because he is a dick. He will have the same problems with anyone because he isn't addressing his own demons. He's a pretty face, and that's not why I liked him... I liked him at first because he liked me and I could feel it and responded... his dang voodoo... but then I started believing in him. It was my hero-savior kicking in. 

And chasing the dragon of the beginning. He's so good with these messages... the message he just sent to Jules (my fake profile) had that kind of "cute and sexy" feel with his adorable emojis... it's how he got me before.

I've been duped. I've given 9 months, but I'm birthing myself. 

I need to find a roommate. Focus on that.
___

I have so many tingles all over my body like God and the angels and my teams are with me supporting and loving me. 

YOU SEE, silly girl. There's no denying it. It's over with Ryan. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you. Get it through your thick skull. You keep hoping and feeling like his soul does, but he isn't choosing to follow his soul if that's true, and it also might be a delusion. You have been so brave this year. I love you. I am with you. Let that one go. 

He doesn't care about his own sister who gave him so much of herself... he just doesn't care and doesn't want to. I can't change him. Move on. There is someone out there who will love you and treat you well. A HUMAN. Even Paul was respectful to my family. 

Work with this, Love. You're okay.

ps. finding a roommate isn't going to be easy. God, I'll wait for you to send one. (I looked at a couple sites... seems complicated and scary.)

___

I'm a dick. I'm baiting him. Just now we had a good talk and I had asked via telegram and then voice to make sure we're good and "back together" after our breakup the other day. He won't commit completely... not saying "of course we're okay...blah blah"... he said we can talk about it more and that he was under the impression we were broken up still and that he thought we could be friends with benefits, etc. So he hears my heart and knows that I don't consider us broke up, but it's an ambiguous space...so if he (when he) writes back to Jules it will be to feel into that more. 

I want someone honest, loyal, kind, and that loves me for me... that likes me for me. 

Let Ryan do what he wants to do... he's done nothing today (except scroll plenty of fish)...it's 1pm and he's going to get started. This isn't the kind of person I want. 

___

We were supposed to go to Ireland in the spring.

___

He sent her another message. It was sent before we talked. We'll see what he says now... I sent another... here, let me recount the conversation so far:

Jules: Hiya Handsome! Looks like we're neighbors..

Ryan: Hi Beautiful! You mean you've been here the whole time?!?! (sweat-laugh emoji) Seeing how we're neighbors and all, it would be real easy to meat up (yep, he spelled meat like that) for a coffee or lunch. Would you care to?

Jules: That sounds great! (double hear emoji) When are you thinking? I work at the hospital and can get away for coffee or lunch anytime or on the weekends. And to answer your question, yes, I've been here the whole time. (smiley emoji) 38 years and counting. Did you grow up around here?

Ryan: Awesome!! (heart eye emoji) My work week is a little erratic... I'm free today, if that's not too short of a notice? I might have a short day on Friday? Or the weekend works for me. I am a transplant. I moved here a little over a year ago from NY. UPSTATE NY!! I'm not a citiot. (sideways laughy face emoji) (city+idiot) I always feel the need to explain that.

Jules: HeeHee! (cat laugh emoji) I don't know if I could date a Yankee, but I'd love to meet up. (double heart emoji) I went to NYC once - it was so big and busy! Today won't work but maybe Friday? Just want to be up front and say I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm just getting back in the dating game and talking to a few guys that I met recently. You're cute though and I'd like to see where it goes. Are you open to casual encounters? Who are those ladies in your profile picture? Your grandma? Is she okay? What do you do for fun? (Since your profile says you are a fun-loving guy!)

....and Ryan just popped on...at 14:40 ... online ... he's reading that message. What will he respond? He'll see that I'm on too. Ugh. This is sick. 

Why do I have such strong spirit-tingles now too? I feel very connected to Ryan in body, mind, and spirit. It's as though I'm picking up his excitement. God, what is this?

This is the test though... what does he say after we had our conversation and knows I want us to keep going... will he keep pursuing someone else? If so, I should quit. My sickness might continue to pretend and be loving and then also keep playing him with Jules.... we'll see. This DOES make me as bad. But what did he say the other day? "There's no one else out there... I looked."... he wouldn't let me see his POF account....he DID let me see his snapchat after he deleted everything... and he's still looking/checking it. SEE HIS HEART, CARISSA! You deserve better!!!!!

How many other casual encounters did he have? He has a subscription for penis medicine... maybe this is what he does at night and why he sleeps all day? Probably not... he's not much of a catch with his trailer and no job and his prized possession is an 8, almost 9 year old car. I need to leave him to his mess and get myself together for myself and my real partner and lover. Someone who doesn't just want to beat me up because they feel bad about themselves. Hurt people hurt people. 

___

On a good note, I've lost 13 pounds and I'm feeling much better!

What did I see today? 12:13, 13:12, 14:14, 15:15, 3:33, 16:16, 19:19

____

Ryan gives me an opportunity to practice!

____

So interesting. So... we talked enough to establish that we are officially back together. He was pretty adamant about us NOT being together yesterday as we hadn't talked about it. He was saying that I was the one touching his "dick", not taking responsibility for rubbing me. Saying that he just offered to sit like that since he only had one chair... but it felt like he liked me sitting with him and he WAS rubbing me. 

Anyway... we'll see what he does with Plenty of Fish now. The app shows that he was on there an hour ago (which is weird because he was here at my house... but he could have when he went out to check on the heat light. Looking for a new message, I guess.) We'll see if he responds. It's been 7hours since I sent it. I'll find out tonight. But as of tonight we are definitely together so if he makes arrangements with her, this will be no-doubt cheating with eyes-wide-open. (I should make a date with him and then blow him off. Let him lose his income and take a half day for that.) But I'm hoping he'll take the high road. I gave him some outs with the "dating a few guys" and "casual encounters", not to mention the uncomfortability of having to explain why there is a picture that includes ME and Mama Bear! This is fascinating to me. Thank you God!

Sooooo... yeah. He said there are things he wants to talk about - porn and sex and confirm established cabash on the power struggle. 

What will win? With Michael, he chose Ammi and it let me off the hook. If Ryan chooses Jules, maybe that will let me off the hook. 

What was weird was that he was angling toward being friends as long as I opted not to date...but if I was going to date, he said he only had two choices then and chose to be back together with me. 

He's said so many times, "if it's not you, it's no body"...but then he jumped on Jules. So.... yeah. We'll see. 

Dumping

Happy birthday Davin!

Whyyyyy did I just have a snuggly, genital-rubby, super-wet-turned-on football watching (Bills vs. Eagles) evening with Ryan. (After eating cheeseburgers.) ??? I broke up with him this morning after him breaking my heart again last night and he accepted my breakup. We talked decided to be friends. Today he came over and helped me with my hay and hung out while I cooked - we didn't talk further about US, but I saw him flipping through his phone windows and one of them appeared to have what looked like the snapchat private message window open. If it wasn't snapchat, it was something like that. Could have been his "Plenty of Fish" account. He wouldn't let me see that one. And he deleted all the messages in the Snapchat one before showing me. It's just so sad. And that's not even the "heartbreak" from last night. That was sexual... I think we had a misunderstanding and he explained it this morning....but he is obviously ready to be broken up. He has been ready for a while. He's rejecting me. And I have to let him. I put the note on my fridge that he suggested - "Be humble, submissive, gentle, curious, respectful, and present". He didn't like the curious or present for some reason. He just rejects anything that makes me better. Jannelle sent me a photo tonight of myself pre-Ryan... or around that time... and I'm radiant. "The bad rubs off on the good ...always" is what Ryan says and his bad is rubbing... his anger, his swearing, his laziness, etc. He's got me NOT hanging out with friends... (though that's more me because all I want to do is be with Ryan). In some ways I'm better...maybe. I was thinking I might be more grounded...maybe focused more on the "earth experience" vs. the "starseed experience". Witnessing the addiction program in myself and Ryan and others. But... I could be with someone who treats me like a lady (which would go a long way in helping me to act like one... Ryan just ridicules me and tells me I am like a man. I tell him I struggle with it and he uses it against me.)... he's not kind. I AM working through childhood wounds - waiting for the breadcrumbs of affection. But he's not trustworthy - my trust is broken. He doesn't lead. We don't have love and prayer and growth and God and good things... I'm being taken to the dark side and it's not good. Poverty and lonliness and porn and ... but he loves animals and he helps me and we laugh together and have a great time and the best conversations and we help each other to grow...  I don't know what's right. But cheating on me with snapchat women and looking for other women when we are in a relationship is not okay. (Please note, when we broke up before, and partially after we got together again, I talked to a few men in the Pattern App briefly. I told them I was in a relationship, but I was divided and secretly looking for someone better. I don't know if there is anyone better for me. I mean... maybe someone easier, but Ryan is helping me to grow and experience things that my soul wants to experience (including loving someone like this and perhaps unrequited love... though I think he does actually love me, he just doesn't want to. His ego is in charge in that guy.) I am only in charge of myself. It's up to ME to be faithful, patient, kind, and do what's right. Stop swearing. Be thoughtful. Don't procrastinate. Care about others... and especially do what I say I will do (stop putting off Janice's website - THIRD rendition - gah!)! Back to work because I have to get to bed. Long day tomorrow again. ps. Le'Anna is such a loving and great friend to me.

__

He doesn't care about his own health or mine (... just being thin... but he scoffs at my desire not to have terrible EMF poisoning... he put his phone under our pillow to sleep... he does that to himself every night. No wonder his brain is scrambled. And look at what's happening to me. I've let my spirituality and search for truth go. I'm not doing clearings or using the ES membership or the Ayla membership which I pay for... I'm just getting lost in the black hole with him. No. Ophicus is upon us. It's time for me to come back to myself. Love myself. Pleasure myself. Enjoy learning and communicating and dancing and other people. Ryan can ridicule all he wants. God bless him. God bless me. Carissa, come home to yourself. You are beautiful!

__

Also, let's not forget the drug addict experience... coming home worried and checking on him after his surgery and finding him robbing me.

And now the cheating experience. Maybe not with a real person (yet), but shopping for people and interacting with many many many women. Having his sexual needs met with them and leaving me high and dry. This is the reason we don't have sex often...he doesn't need it with me.

It's just broken. I need an open-hearted and kind man to love and experience life with. That likes family and people and animals *(Ryan likes animals) and that wants to be better... who sees that ego and porn and addiction (and stinkin' cigarettes) and swearing is bad. I want a beautiful simple life. 

BE

I don't want to look outside of myself for answers.
I dont want to give my power away.
I want to meditate.
I want to love myself sufficiently.

I want to take care of myself sufficiently so that I have bandwidth to try to be lovely... to be pretty... to be charming...to call and check on others... to love on others... to do the things that I do do well....to take care of my home and animals... to be a good girlfriend... to be patient and loving and pray for Ryan (even though he doesn't want me to... but to be solid and loving and faithful and unwavering.
I want to be genuinely grateful instead of playing it on TV (faking it).
I want to BE.

Where is the Love

Not sure if Ryan loves me. I think he likes me as a friend and in his life. Today he helped me move 10 hay bales and move the burn piles (together so we can burn them at once). I spent all day with him hoping for his help there... but we also were just together, which was nice. We spent time with his family, he got to ride in Big Red on his maiden journey, we had 2 meals together, we talked, went to Walmart and got gas and cig, watched a Bills Game. It was a good day. He slept here last night. Yeah, it was a good day. Lots of give-and-take. He fed the animals tonight while I made dinner and we did his laundry. It was cozy. So what's my problem? No sex. No desire. He did have a hard on and we flirted when we were watching the game at his Dad's. But I feel like he's not attracted to ME. I think he likes that I like him and he thinks that he's handsome (which he is)... but he wants me to change. 

Two hard things. One, he said he still wasn't sure which way he's leaning - whether to be in a relationship with me or to be friends. He has no inclination. (I was trying to get a percentage to decide whether it's worth it to beg him to go with me to Thanksgiving. If he isn't going to be long-term, then I don't need to beg him... drag him to show him the places and people that are important to me. It's throwing my pearls to swine. But it sounds like we are still at 50%/50%. 

I mean, I don't even know what's right for ME. I'm waiting for God to sort it out. Because in many ways, Ryan is great... I am attracted to him, I like to be with him, and I like to do things with him and I like the challenge of trying to help him embrace his life. But that's also a sickness... I am trying to change him. I don't like (and HE says he doesn't like) that he sleeps all day... and we know I don't like his cigarettes. He says he wants nothing to do with my woo-woo or worldviews or thoughts on health, but when he gets a taste or when he's in a soft spot, he says that some parts of him agree.... so it gives me false hope, I guess. I also find it fascinating. I'm watching and learning about him, myself, and the world. So... we'll see what God says.

I guess I'll know when it's time to make a move. But in the meantime, SEE how I've painted a brush of disappointment over today thinking that Ryan didn't love me... but we ACTUALLY had a nice day together. So focus on that. Be GRATEFUL. Yes. It's time for gratitude journalling. 

I'm grateful for the beautiful day - the sun and leaves and crisp air.
I'm grateful that I got to spend so much time with Ryan today. And the dogs yesterday. 
I'm grateful for my warm and lovely home.
I'm grateful for my conscience and God and ALL the help my teams and guidance and friends provide.

I've got lots to do. I'm sorry! I've got to get back to work. I'm grateful for my jobs!

The Truth Will Set Me Free

Oh but where's the line between my responsibility to drive and my responsibility to ride? Ryan is awfully mean. He is still so stuck on looking for deficiencies in everyone else to make himself RIGHT... to feed his ego. His stories are always about how dumb and stupid and bad and wrong everyone else is.... his boss, Mr. Grey, who pays him generously and puts up with his attitude... and all he has to say is that he's "Mr. Magoo". Me, who loves him and tries to support and build him up, and all he has to say is how bad and wrong I am. He just wants to fight. This bipolar energy... he's in a down now... feeling anger or anxiety...some pinch that is making him mean and lash out. He's got different personalities... and this one isn't clear or kind. 

I don't know if it's my responsibility to cut ties and take care of myself or to wait for God to lead so God can do what God wants to do in both our lives? I think that Ryan has a lot of extra help from the Universe right now if he chooses to make some changes for himself/by himself... not me changing him, but me patiently loving him while he changes himself IF HE CHOOSES. But I fear that he's not choosing to change...he's nailing in the old ways... ego, substance abuse (I shouldn't have given him the whipped cream - he's still doing whippits), seclusion, and tearing others down. He's lazy and selfish (... I mean, he gets work done when he starts it, but he puts it off for as long as he can... just like he puts off going anywhere and being on time as long as he can... he doesn't take commitments seriously... and he won't wake up at a reasonable time unless he has to. He's just self-centered.) Tonight he said he's snuggling with his cat and he's going home to snuggle with his cat, knowing that I want to snuggle...that I was longing to see him. He's pushing the line to see how far he can go before he loses me. And I keep moving it back and back. It's not healthy.

Today I saw an IG about waiting for breadcrumbs from emotionally unavailable people and I am doing that and I need to stop.

I need to just own my own life, home, everything. Let him go. I WILL mess things up, but it will be okay, because that's how we learn...and that's what I came to do. Can I find the strength within myself to go through my own miasma. I watch the sludge he's moving through to accomplish stuff, but look at me... same sludge. God, help me. You are. Thank you.

I want to be with someone who loves and likes me and wants to spend time with me and build a life with me and do projects with me. Not one who is offended when I try to help because he feels like I second guess him... I understand that I have that energy that I need to clear....I don't need to "help"... but I want someone compassionate who sees my heart.

He's not the guy for me. He could have been if he chose me. But he's not choosing this path... and that's okay. And I don't want to choose the path of someone who isn't choosing me/us...so... it's just time to go our separate directions... I'll let God lead. There have been so many lessons.

Today I cried when I drove around picking up door prizes...went to 5 farms and it was incredible and beautiful and I felt so grateful! I also apologized to Crystal for speaking to her with the tone that I did. I want to be kind and to be forgiving and authentic and I want people to know that I care about them. I want to call people out on their strengths, especially to other people. I want to be LIGHTHEARTED.

Thank you, God, for my friends. Help me to be more present, loving, patient, and a better person. I want to be graceful and faithful and kind. Amen.

Fear

Watch this fear...the trickster trying to lure you in to panic. Watch this liar. Did you hear it whispering about killing myself... no point in living, etc? Lies. Did you hear it setting you up for fear of heart attack when you are making choices to heal? When things are good with Ryan and I'm home... telling me to panic that I might be dying? Lies. My soul says I'm fine. I'm always fine. Maybe I'm having integrations and upgrades to my system to help me on my journey here? Maybe I'm given the opportunity to face shadows? Either way, I'm fine. Thank you God! Listen Carissa. I love you.

Magnetism

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Yep. It passed after an hour or two. Talked to Ryan about it. He did pretty well... we had a pretty good conversation. He's getting better about talking about things like this. And he brought up good points. We shared ideas and conversation and it was lovely. He's hard. But I love him and he seems to be growing and I hope one day he'll choose to step into BEING the man that I know he is. Right now he resists (bucks) at most calls to be better... healthier, more loving, more responsible, etc. 

I want to wait on him... wait until 12/23/23 anyway and see where his head is at. I would like it if he would move in/share bills and responsibility for this home. Right now he's paying $250 a month to live and then paying his dad off $500 a month toward his trailer. That's it. And he brings home more money than me. And I have this whole house and animals and responsibility and I don't want to do it alone. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I feel Ryan's love and our compatibility and today he invited me on a double-date in March. He's also said he wants to go to Ireland in April together. So it seems like he's thinking long term, but it feels selfish for him to leave all this responsibility on me. He likes the "dominant", "I take what I want" thing, but doesn't see how a true dom takes care of his sub... and how will he learn? A real man takes care of his family....provides for their needs in love. 

We'll see how it all shakes out. God is in control and I am along for the ride... learning so much. 

Be single

Ryan isn't the one. He doesn't adore me. He takes every chance we get (even after a couple hours of fun sex) to lash out. I can't remember what he said yesterday.. something about me being crazy, I'm sure. 

Why am I moving toward moving in with him? He will always be challenging, reserved (*reserving his love ...not for me... maybe for animals.... maybe reserving his affection for his chair or television)... I am trading myself for him ...to help him recognize his beauty. He really IS beautiful too. He has been so generous with me and others. He's funny and sweet inside and sometimes he lets it out and sometimes his demons snap it up. 

He's been selfish from the beginning though... self-centered actually. He doesn't know any better. I'm too open and the opposite... giving and giving and giving.... I need to BE more self-centered. Work on my own boundaries and choices. Look at this beautiful world I'm living in and creating. Look at all my animal friends that I'm surrounded by. 

My focus should be on my heart and my nest and embodiment and joy in all that I have. Look at my wonderful job, co-workers, friends! I'm blessed!

Choose my own path and if Ryan doesn't fit in it - if he wants to be a curmudgeon - so be it. He can be my friend and boyfriend...but he doesn't have to be my husband. I can enjoy him and all the lessons and distractions and all that it brings while I heal and love myself and wait for God to send me someone who will love me. 

Also, big one, I need to take ownership of MYSELF. I keep waiting for someone to take ownership and responsibility FOR me. That's my job. I need to own my own diet, my own exercise, my own fun, my own orgasms, my own home and projects and future. Am I ready to OWN MYSELF???

Maybe I should try reading Dr. Kelly Brogan's book again now. This is where I'm at. 

I just re-read where I said that I'm trading myself for Ryan... to help HIM see HIS beauty... but why am I doing that when I SHOULD be doing the same for ME!! THAT's MY job!!! Not him. Me.

Also, I want to note what a miracle and testament to God's hearing me that last night at 3am (or 2:22) I journaled about God stepping in to make sure it wouldn't happen that we/Ryan would get that puppy if it weren't in our best interests. I don't feel that now is the time considering Ryan doesn't have a steady job, he's non-committal on living with me so he'd have a rottweiler in that camper with his cats... it could be okay, they have all that room and the O'Malley's dogs...but she'd be in with that pack. He wants the puppy to himself.... was weird about me being her mommy... it would just be another variable in the dysfunctional relationship we are already experiencing that would ultimately probably 

____

I got distracted... maybe with car sales... I'm proud of myself and had fun making an offer on a car that I wanted. They didn't take it, but it was fun!

Anyway... I wanted to say that it's AWFUL that I got a message from Nora this morning that the puppy we were going to get died. ("lost"... we lost a puppy last night they said)... so... that is so sad and I'm sorry that puppy had to take off the puppy suit.

____

Well, my new Chrystic Magic 8 Ball (who I specifically asked to ONLY give me Krystic guidance) said that it's in my best interest to remain Ryan's girlfriend. "Signs point to yes."

Why do I always want to run away?
Jut focus on myself and have a happy life and learn how to put up boundaries and make choices aligned with my soul and greater good.  And have fun. And love. And don't worry. Let God lead.

___

11/11 12:32 am
Ryan just left. We had a nice night... talking about spiritual, religious, and scientific matters on my porch (after he supported me taking a nice bath)...getting pizza and watching Jeopardy....talking on his porch...watching a movie "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe" in our love-nest (his bed)... walking back over here and playing... nice...it's 12:34 on 11/11 right now...but we had a nice time (deep throat and sex) but didn't finish... he was going to vomit pizza... but we had fun...but then he said he wants to finish in my mouth all the time from now on and I didn't agree... I said maybe 30/70 and he said maybe 45/55... but he's so weird... so "takey". I said I'd try anal again if he would be kind and gentle and help me ease into it and he just resists all that. It's really hard... he just pushes back on everything and challenges everything. But at the same time he's come so far and is kind in a lot of ways. We watched a movie together in fact!! That's big. I did talk to him about wanting to be more "self-centered" and put up boundaries. I also told him that I thought that if he didn't adore me he should cut me loose and he said he had a lot of feelings about that but that we were moving in the right direction and he thought he had until 12/23/23, which he does... so that's that.... I need to just keep working on myself and love him and I think he is working on himself. Look at all he does for me.... just focus on that. And relax and enjoy life!

I got Janice's job done ... or mostly... today... and now just checked email and Ayla popped in with her new book files so I need to do that. Maybe Sunday? Anyway... everything is as it's supposed to be.

I come to build a bridge

I come to build a bridge ...that song came up yesterday...the one by nahko... and Ayla just said something like it as she is finishing up a rainbow bridge-type meditation/exercise in her first hummingbird meeting on zoom. We saw the sun in our heart and moved it up through us to the sun and then back down and through our heart down into the earth. I saw a bald eagle today.... God granted me this gift... as well as another 11:11 that I had to see which I'm seeing all the time and the call to love and the wonderful job and people I have in my life. Ryan is so big and I'm grateful and it's good right now but it's a lesson... so much to feel. I am a bridge between heaven and earth.

Listened to a Kelly Brogan podcast about master plants today too. I want to care for a tobacco and ahyuhuasca plant.... 

And this Ayla talk...lifegiving. Spending time in the presence of my sisters is so good.

___

Ryan is getting so triggered by Ayla... so interesting. This is the information his soul is asking for and he's running away. Weird. Just watching. and LOVE.

Kelsey is my teacher. 

Keep Moving

Welllll. I had some interesting dreams for sure... and some wisdom pop through as I was waking that helped me to see how when I am talking to Ryan (or anyone???), I could be in the victim/weak polarity, or the controlling/strong polarity. I need to find a way to remain in a neutral state. Those other states offer energetic pushing/pulling of some sort and Ryan bucks at them both. Humble. Gentle. Quiet. Neutral. That's the goal.

I also thought to ask my pendulum if it's in my best interest to stay with Ryan (yes) and if it's in my best interest to dream about Matt (no)... could Matt and I ever be together (no). 

Ryan is my guy. He's just so hard.

But I saw last night such big lessons for me in patience and inner strength. Plus compassion, communication, boundaries, etc. So much.

In a dream my parents were there... they were so cool... and teaching... and Dad was talking about going to prison or something, lol...like "when I was in prison..."... but he was trying to teach a lesson about not swearing. All the people (guys?) I was with were swearing and then my Mom swore too in a story she was telling "mother fucker"... and then my Dad started with his story/lecture/lesson. Ryan was hanging back. He didn't like that.

I think Ryan's soul thought he was going to blow this popsicle stand last time he died and when he came back through he was pissed. He's bitter and needs to accept where he's at, feel what he needs to feel, experience what he needs to experience, CHOOSE LOVE, and THEN he can get out of here. Learn his lesson.

Anyway, there was a part of the dream where we were in some ride ... not a ride... like an eventing station...we had to figure out how to get through it and we did together... both took different routes and ended up together and we swam together....he dove down toward me and we sunk together with the light beaming behind him/us and he was so beautiful... we loved each other so much!

Ryan helps me want to be a better person. That's something. Big. 

Insults

Ryan takes every opportunity he can get to insult me. 
Randomly "whoo.... gamey!" ... "me?" "yep"

I told him about the nice compliment Bryant gave me today and he said "What, were you whining to try to illicit that to make yourself feel better because you worked soooooo hard?" Sarcasm. Meanness. He can't help himself.

It was so helpful to have him there at the dealership to test drive cars. And I appreciated his half sarcastic and mean and half "I care about you" text message and offer to finish the window on my car.... but it's so dang bipolar. It hurts. 

Such great, honest, loving conversations with Rosemary and Corie yesterday. An hour each! And a romcom movie on the couch with the boys. It felt so nice. I want to be happy. 

____

11:03 (today I saw 11:11/4... and 222 and 444 and a 555 I believe, or maybe that was a 155 and also a 144 for sure.)

Anyway, talked to Ryan for hours tonight. Had some good/honest discussion. Takeaways for me are: Take better care of myself - self-care, and beauty regimen = important to be a girl and attractive. Be patient. Don't underestimate Ryan's (or anyone's work)... don't say, "aw don't worry about that... just do a lesser job" or whatever. And don't say it should only take 5 minutes, etc. 

Hoping he heard me ask him to build me UP instead of tear me down. 
Hoping he'll reflect on selfishness in the bedroom. He was deflecting that. 
Hoping he'll hear how I want to be in a pack and be loved the way he loves his animals.

We talked for many hours. I'm not sure what will come of it but I told him that I don't want to be stupid and I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. And lots of other things which I'm too tired to recount. 

Oop! Saw 11:11 tonight too. Foundational stuff.

Boundaries

An excellent gift from God talk with beloved Rosemary. We talked honestly and openly about Ryan and I asked for her help and input and wise council and she gave it. Helped me to recognize the importance of boundaries and self-love and helped me to see how important it is to be my own masculine container instead of being the needy sponge that I am that gives myself away, trades myself hoping that someone will cherish and love me in return. I keep doing that. What a strange pattern. 

Over and over and over. 

Ryan doesn't love or respect me. And frankly I've lost a ton of respect for him. Do I respect him? I feel bad for the depth and amount of miasma that he is swimming through in his life, but this is what he has chosen and he isn't choosing anything else. He wants to "live in his parents basement" (i.e. the trailer on their property)....he doesn't want to work, to accomplish things, to get ahead, to be motivated, to use his skills. He doesn't like people. He isn't interested in health. He smokes and wastes his life and health and money with that disgusting habit and he doesn't respect me enough not to smoke around me. Usually he will smoke outside or at the door of his house when I'm there so that's something...but it's not enough. 

He has held me hostage with my home improvement projects - telling me I'm inept and can't do them. Michael also wouldn't let me do it when we were together but that came more from a macho place, not a belittling/egoic place. 

I think about his penis and body... I'm physically attracted to him, even at 225... I felt like I loved his heart and love him, all of him. But I don't think we've had sex in a month now... I've given him a number of blowjobs but he hasn't returned the favor...and he knows I want to. Selfish. Entitled. 

The idea of Matt, even though that can't be and I can't even see or talk to him....but the idea of him can help me ... it can save me. Today I thought about him some more (when I was working at JoCo Worx)... I saw someone who reminded me of him and then later Seth said the name Matt (or maybe it was around the same time) and I daydreamed about talking to Bryant and Seth (I was standing between them at the time) about my crush on him. But anyway, the idea of a handsome man like him, who loves the things I do (plants and animals - maybe animals, I don't know) and people.... who makes me laugh... someone kind and strong that I am attracted to... THAT gives me hope and strength, I hope. 

Now I need to tuck in and lick my wounds and love on myself and figure out how to be alone. And let God lead. God, please lead. You know my heart. I don't want to experience this life alone... I want to do it with a friend and partner. A family. You know. 

When will I learn?

Just got dropped off by Ryan after going to Tandori Trail with him. (Gross. Third time there and it got worse and worse every time.) But he was a jerk. He was nice to me this afternoon and descended into jerk... worse than that... foul-mouthed, blame-shifting, entitled, bratty jerk. He isn't willing to look at himself and HE is the one with the Wonder Woman cuffs and mirror deflecting anything that is mentioned. In my case I just merely asked him if it's possible that he has any control issues as well. That really set him off. He's just not mature or honest much of the time. Sometimes he is and it's beautiful...but usually he is not. 

There are so many red flags and I keep making excuses. I just need to let this and him go. 

I can attract someone kind that wants to be with me. And I can't do that when I'm with him. 

He also put the nail in the coffin about Thanksgiving - big fat NO, and doesn't want to participate in our holiday "secret chef" gift exchange. He's not the guy for me. 

I love lots about him but there is someone who is better suited for me... with all the qualities Ryan has AND THEN SOME (the most important being WANTING to be with me, CARING about me, LIKING me.)... Ryan takes every opportunity to tear me down.

Today's "Pattern App" was so confusing because I can't tell if this is him to me or me to him (or neither). 

Either way, I've got to tap out.

____

Also, note, he doesn't take care of me either. He does in some ways but he puts it off the same way he puts stuff in his life off. He's not motivated. I want a motivated partner... at least that likes to do things with me... but Ryan's been procrastinating on all my house projects that IF I hadn't put them in his court when I was buying the house, I could have (likely) paid someone and had them done right away. It's messy business. I was (am... was) trying to support him to step up in his life. 

But that's not my job. My job is to take care of me. And I need to cut the dead weight. I've learned a ton and am grateful for it, but it's time to put myself first. And my fur and feather family.

____

I need to talk to wise council and share this situation. I need to drag it out of the dark and into the light. I called Rosemary but it's not the time and I got her voicemail. 

I did the carnivore diet for one more day (yesterday) and failed today in the face of Deirdre's apple pie. Then we went to that Indian restaurant. I feel so bad in my body when I eat carbs. I feel so good in my body when I do the carnivore diet. DO THE CARNIVORE DIET.

FOR ME. 
FOR ME.
FOR ME!

___

Had a breakthrough understanding at 4:30am... Ryan DOES do that Pattern to ME... he keeps me on the hook and dependent on him to fix stuff for me and look after me. He is super critical of the way I take care of myself. Anyway... thank you for the clarity. Also woke up at 5:55! (Saw 15:50 yesterday and thought it meant something too.)

Yesterday

Yesterday was quite the day. The day before was too. Opposite ends of the spectrum.

Monday (the day before) was the day Ryan had day surgery to have a lipoma removed from his back in the hospital. I went with him and took care of him all day and I guess because of the drugs, he was very friendly and open and we had the most honest and beautiful time and talks.  I wanted to document all the topics and lovliness... but I guess I've gone beyond that now... rolled over by a crazy yesterday.

So YESTERDAY not only did I get food poisoning (probably to punish me for my gluttony), but I found Ryan essentially robbing me of my klonopin. It was shocking (in a relaxed, super-neutral way). 

The doctor gave him oxycodone for his pain after surgery on Monday and I didn't realize how quick it worked to bring him right back to his old drug addict days. You should have seen the way he was when I caught him taking pills... moving big heavy boxes which he shouldn't have lifted just to get down to the box with it in there... and he was so slippery and shiny and manipulative, trying all the tactic to get me to give it to him. (When I caught him, he handed them back to me.) When he first found out about them he begged me for one and I gave it to him but thought that it wasn't a good idea and I think he knew it so he handed it back to me and walked away. Amazing! But he kept it in mind, apparently. And yesterday, after being on those oxys, he remembered them.

What's nuts (a miracle), the way God just guides me in these things... God guided me to be at just the right place and time to catch Tyrone and Joe in lies too. It's wild. So yesterday I was worried about Ryan. I had slept at his house and had to get up early to go to work. At 12 or 12:30 when I still hadn't heard from him (I wrote him a message in the 10am hour), I called. He didn't answer and I got worried so I immediately left to come home home. I felt like I was just in a supernatural zoom... like in a flow... relaxed but on a mission. I can't explain it, but ... it's 11/1 11:11 right now!... but in hindsight it was fascinatingly magical. 

So as I was turning into his driveway I saw his car at my house so I came over and I walked in and was looking all over for him. Somehow he didn't hear me and when I looked in the guest room (a strange place to look), he was in there. He said he didn't hear me... but how! Anyway, he had taken at least 8 and he handed them back to me. Then he asked me for them and I said no and he left and then he came back and he asked me again and we had a whole talk about it and it was interesting how he would waffle between angling at being nice and then firing off insults... trying to find the button. 11/1 11:14.

In the end I didn't give them to him. (He only wanted one, so he could have a "head change" because it was so good the day before and he likes how the drugs do that. This is addiction. And sad. Because he has such a great head but he's locked in there.)  He sent me a message on Telegram but deleted it... 

The other screenshot was from my SirusJoy notifications that day.... NO COINCIDENCES. It was a miracle that I came home at all and especially at that time to catch him red handed. And it was a miracle that I was able to maintain neutrality and love and sanity. 

So then was I dealing with upgrades, black magic (it was Halloween too!!), or what? To get food poisoning (or whatever) yesterday afternoon around 3pm. About an hour after eating that Jersey Mike's sub. Not long after finishing it... maybe 20 min? But it was bad. I vomited and peed and pooped and was sooooo sick... until about 7pm. And then I was empty. 

I love Ryan. I hope that he has the ability to see himself and choose to overcome. This is his time. 

And it's mine too. Is this what I want? I want our love. I want to walk with him as we both heal and find the best versions of ourselves. I am on this planet to evolve and living a cake-walk isn't the way to get there. I would love to be comfortable and happy, but I'm not sure that's what my soul wants. I mean... happy, yes...but I like the challenge and the growth opportunity. I think I can have other experiences too. 

I have been feeling a lot of depression and sadness coming up lately. Hopelessness. Restless-but-want-to-curl-up.  

11/1 11:23

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11/1 1:11 (I also see 144 a lot and have been seeing 911 and some reversals of that 119.
Went to see Ryan who was weird and cold ... things left unsaid. Is it worth it.
I think I could invite Paul to be my roommate but why would I be a dog returning to her vomit. He is a user and stuck in his own world... wait. God will show me the Way.

Why won't Ryan hurry up?
Why won't I be patient?

Learn my lessons. Strength and self-sufficiency. Be my own masculine container. Thank you.